Sep 05

Therapy Thursday

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Dear Therapy Thursday:

I’m a recently single woman, just a shade over fifty, still kinda cute and a little out of shape, but still can do a cartwheel in a skirt. I’ve been out of circulation for such a long time and I am just getting back into the dating scene.  I want to know where to go to “get my walls plastered”, so to speak.  I’m not looking for a geezer and I don’t want some guy so young I can say, “Come to Grandma”.  I want to know what it takes to catch a man’s eye, hold his interests and make him smile.

Old Bag wants a new Trick

mindofbirdman

Dear Old Bag,

Have you thought of going to the nunnery and giving your life to the lord?

No? Well you should.

Seriously though, you need to explain what it is that you want. Is it a place to get your walls plastered, or do you want to capture the attention of a certain man? If it’s the walls plastered, then you will want to talk to Smarty about that, but if you are trying to snag a lunker you can talk to me.

Now, I suppose we should find out what sort of man you are looking for. This is essential if we are to know where to find him. I will list a few types and the necessary info. What you do with it is your business.

  1. The Simple Man – You should do yourself up like Reba, incorporate Duck Dynasty and/or Larry The Cable Guy quotes into your everyday speech patterns, and do a lot of browsing around at Bass Pro Shops or TSC.
  2. The Hipster – You should steal a homeless man’s clothes, recite slam poems, and hangout at small coffee shops or organic microbreweries. Bonus points if you haven’t brushed your hair or washed your armpits for two weeks.
  3. The Douchebag – You can wear anything, say anything, and go anywhere. If you have two or more tits and a heartbeat, these pricks will find you, lie to you, and most likely fuck you up for the next guy that comes along.
  4. The Nice Guy – You can wear anything, say anything, and go anywhere. If he really likes you, he’ll make it known to you. There won’t be any cheesy pickup lines, empty promises, or lies to get you into bed. You will have sex with him because it would seem a shame not to.
  5. The Nerd – Do a little cosplay, speak in elven, Klingon, or almost any code, and hang out at hobby shops, Comicon, or his mother’s basement.

These very useless points are my advice to you. It may seem like I didn’t take your question seriously, but I did. There is no set way to capture a man’s fancy, but if you just be yourself, you will find that whatever man finds and loves you, will love you for you, and will do it unconditionally. These are things I know to be true. It doesn’t matter if you are a sneaky bitch or a pure-hearted girl next door, if you are true to yourself, you’ll find someone who loves you. You just might not like who they are.

Birdman

SmartyTalks

Dear Bag:

Holy fuck, I will plaster, prime, and sand your walls for a minimal fee. I don’t care one iota if you even shower or brush your tooth; I will ride that fat ass of yours right to the wire if the price is right.

As for doing cartwheels in a skirt, if you are doing them without panties on, I will gladly return any fees that you may have incurred from past sexual liaisons with me or my colleague Puerto Rico Paulie. The catch is that you have to let us video record the cartwheels for a minimum of eighteen minutes. Some people just love that shit.

I’m not sure where you live, but some of the best places to get laid around here are liquor serving establishments. I know, it freaked me out too, but the consensus is in and it looks like walking into a bar and announcing that you are horny is the best way for a woman to get the sexual intercourse going for herself.

Another option is a crack house, but it’s mostly the risk that gets me off there. There’s just something magical about not knowing when somebody is going to snap or the cops are going to bust through the door.

You could also just get yourself the Fist of Adonis and beat the everloving piss out of your old leather mitt every night. That’s the gift that keeps on giving in my opinion.

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I have no idea why you’d need different colours.

Smarty

Aug 06

Who’s A Hep Cat?

mindofbirdman

Last week I got a message from the World Hepatitis Alliance on a thing called Blogdash. I forgot I had ever signed up for it, but here it was doing the job I had expected it to do a long time ago. Getting me advertisers and people to sponsor posts and all that other sellout shit.

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I normally charge $100 for writing a post to hawk someone’s wares, but with these people I couldn’t figure out what it was that they were selling. They wanted me to share a video about hepatitis, so I figured it must be pills or vaccines or something like that. I watched the video and it was strange, but memorable. There was talk about the blue and red pill, so I figured it was a lead in to the site that you could buy them and either prevent or cure that case of Hep B that you caught from a wild weekend at that festival with the Chili Peppers. I see these scare tactics all the time. They show you a bunch of dangers that are unlikely to happen, then BAM, “Here’s how we can help.”

But there was no site. No mention of where you could buy these pills. I asked Kelly what they were selling as I gave my prices.

“There is no product. This is a campaign to raise awareness about Hepatitis. This video was created for this purpose. All information is at the end of the video.”

Know_It

Huh. I guess I had better rethink my prices. We settled on a greatly reduced rate that would be payable to either our Movember campaign or our Float Your Fanny fund. I don’t like taking money from charities that I believe in, but I figured that it was okay if it went to another good cause. Right?

Then I started to think about how I know nothing, or next to nothing, about hepatitis. I know Pamela Anderson has it, and that’s about it. I asked Kelly for some material to put in, because I wasn’t what you would call “knowledgeable” on the subject. She sent me the info, but because their focus is on the video, it didn’t make a blog post.

This is a tweaked version of what was sent:

The World Hepatitis Alliance is calling for urgent action to address this disease that’s killing as many as HIV/AIDS. They are NOT looking for a donation, it’s just a polite request that you share an important video to help raise awareness of the disease. These are a few facts about hepatitis that.

  • The Global Burden of Disease study showed that viral hepatitis was responsible for almost 1.45 million deaths in 2010, the same as HIV/AIDS and significantly more than TB or Malaria.

  • 500 million people are living with chronic viral hepatitis. Hepatitis B and C are ‘silent’ viruses, because people may experience no symptoms.

  • In 2010 the World Health Organisation openly recognised that viral hepatitis is a major cause for concern by making World Hepatitis Day one of only 7 world health days officially recognised by WHO and all Member States.

 

 

I got thinking about how lucky I am that I don’t have to know about this disease, but also how naive I am to think I don’t need to find out.

I started with my trusty Wikipedia and found out how you can get hepatitis.

Almost any way you can think of. I had always thought you had to get a tattoo from that shady guy working out of a rubbermaid tote behind the old tannery, but that’s not the case at all. You can get it from eating, drinking, breathing, or thinking about sharing needles with someone who masturbated to the Pam Anderson/Tommy Lee video.

That doesn’t mean that you will get it, but you can, so it’s best to be careful. Go to http://www.worldhepatitisalliance.org/ and read up on this filthy disease. What’s it going to hurt?

I caught you knockin’ at my cellar door, I love you, baby, can I have some more,

Birdman

Aug 02

I Solicited A Company For Free Product And I Feel Great About It

birdmandesk

You guys know that I love the Google+ right?

Well, I do. It’s like Facebook’s non-idiot brother that everybody likes because he’s just so fucking nice. He’s positive, smart, funny, and pretty damn handsome. He maybe isn’t as popular as Facebook, because he isn’t on the rep hockey team, or he isn’t out throwing his dick around when he gets hammered on homemade Kahlua and milk, but he makes up for that by not giving viruses to everyone he knows and only ever going to third base with girls that he isn’t going to marry.

You get my point, right?

So a few months ago I was on G+ (that’s what his friends call him), and I see a video get shared about unclogging drains without chemicals. We go through a lot of Drano with three long haired girls in the house, so I checked out The Drain Claw.

I immediately offered to accept a free sample to see if I liked it. They were only $6.99, but I’m super cheap and wanted it for free. I sent an email telling about how awesome my blog is, and how everybody and their brother reads it. Not so much the G+ brother, but lots of Facebook brothers do. They love my silly stories and pictures.

Anyhow, I guess they bought it, because look:

Can you believe that those saps fell for my ruse?

Can you believe that those saps fell for my ruse? I can’t.

I know it doesn’t look like much in the package, but check this shit out: Continue reading

Jul 19

Fox Friday: Wilfred Season 2

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When I was asked if I wanted a copy of Wilfred to review, I thought that it might be that movie that was based on a David Mamet play that I watched a whole bunch of years ago. I was appalled that they would want me to review such a racially charged movie and then write about it on my blog. That’s lunacy.

Then I remembered Scooter speaking of some hilarious show about a guy in a dog suit.

I looked it up.

The movie was called Edmond, and it was actually really good. I can handle a whole bunch of racial slurs as long as someone gets prison raped in the end. Pun intended.

So back to Wilfred. I went back and watched some shows from season 1, and then I fell in love.

Then I did a giveaway and watched the second season, and it was fan-fucking-tastic.

Oh good, I really did love it. Sometimes I love the first part of something, but grow bored after a while, but not this time. This time it was like Breaking Bad, just as good, and with some new characters. I have found my new favourite show. My replacement for John From Cincinnati.

Look at the gaiety of it all.

Look at the gaiety of it all.

Now don’t go run out and buy it, because I say it’s good. It’s probably not for everyone. There are no laugh tracks or gratuitous pauses to let you know when something funny is said. Not one redneck hooks up a conveyor belt to their vehicle to step up production, and nobody enters their kid in a pageant while they siphon go go juice down the little bastard’s throat. It’s dark, subtle, intelligent, and fucking funny.

There is the obligatory drug, poop, and sexual humour, but it’s totally in line with Wilfred’s character. He is a dog after all, and really enjoys everything in excess. Do you know many pooches that practice moderation in anything? I sure don’t. (I’m looking at you, Blue.)

Now we have a smart, well written, hilarious show, but that’s not all. It will also make you think. A lot.

Doesn't everyone's dog read the paper?

Doesn’t everyone’s dog read the paper?

It’s also a psychological show, and there are lessons learned each week. One lesson is that you can’t always trust Wilfred. Another is that some girls have squishy tits. You’ll have to check it out to find out what the others are.

I don’t want to give anything away, but I do want to say that you should watch season 1 first, then go get season 2. It’s not something to jump right in the middle, because there is a story behind it all.

You say that it’s over baby, you say that it’s over now,

Birdman

Jul 05

Fox Friday – Kung Fu Panda: Legends Of Awesomeness

Fox sent me this dvd to review and I finally got a chance to watch it the other day. I thought that it was the second movie, but it turned out to be a disc with a bunch of episodes from a Kung Fu Panda TV show.

At first I was a bit disappointed.

Then I started watching it.

It was actually quite good. The voices, the CGI work, and the music in each episode are really well done. There is tons of silly humour and all-around goofiness for the kids. Add to that a whole bunch of ass kicking by animals, and you have a pretty entertaining couple of hours.

Is it the same as the movies? No.

I have only seen the first one, but the show is a bit different in that it probably appeals more to kids than adults. It also has different bad guys and scenarios as Po studies in and protects the Valley Of Peace with the rest of the Furious Five and Master Shifu. There’s a lot of the same elements, but these shows are pretty “lesson” driven, with less adult oriented humour.

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Unless of course you are me. I get chuckles out of some of the corny jokes on here. I also loved Bugs Bunny though, so take that as you will. They had some pretty corny one-liners on that show.

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Oh, and did anyone else get a chub from Tigress? No? Me neither. She’s too intense for me, but I bet she’s a wildcat in the sack. So much precision and accuracy. Rawr.

You creeped out yet? Cool, you might as well check out the trailer for this then.

So, in a nutshell we have a pretty entertaining show, but more so for children than adults. If you’re looking for extensions of the movie, don’t bother, because these aren’t them. They are good, just different, so don’t go watch them and tear them down because they aren’t the same; you should tear them down because they are only two hours long, and it takes you three hours to get the full benefit of the magnum of Baby Duck you just drank in the laundry room.

This means that mommy is going to have to switch DVDs with a big dent in the motor skills section of her brain, and that someone is probably going to get a time out when mommy can’t get the upside down Harry Connick Jr. CD to play Backyardigans in the BluRay player. You should never snicker at mommy when her lips are pink and she’s burping a lot.

There was funky Billy Chin and little Sammy Chung, he said here comes the big boss, lets get it on,

Birdman

P.S. Comment on here if you want this copy. I’m not putting g i v e a w a y in the posts anymore because there are a bunch of people that just Google that and other keywords and go around trying to win shit. If one of our readers doesn’t want our schtuff, then one of our friends will. Cheers.