Nov 14

Whatcha Got In That Box, Pandora?

fromthedesk

 

I have wanted to write this post for awhile, but I am always afraid of how some things will be perceived, even though what I have been thinking about is a legitimate concept from the perspective of any relationship.

I like to mouth off to others about ‘leaning into the discomfort’ of things, so here I go.

I have these friends who have a more alternative lifestyle. They are hands down some of the coolest people I know.  They have very different ideas about what constitutes love and marriage.   They are not monogamous, nor do they encourage the other to be.  In fact, they encourage each other to explore all sexual interests without prejudice.  It is an interesting idea from a theoretical viewpoint.  How can people learn to love freely and openly without jealousy or anger?  If we take out the part about not being monogamous, this is still a very legitimate question for monogamous couples.   As a theory, not as an argument for polyamory and its derivatives, the ability to love unconditionally is something that we should want to seek, regardless of our sexual choices.

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See? People have been getting their freak on since before Christ was a cowboy.

I understand that living as a non-monogamous couple does apparently have some boundaries.  From what I gather, if any person in the arrangement starts to have feelings, the arrangement is redefined.  Feelings always indicate that someone is personally interested in the outcome of something.  If any either of my friends become uncomfortable, with any part of the situation, the situation is removed.  This conceivably lowers the possibility of deceit between partners.  Some will argue that they could end up falling in love with someone else.  I would reply that that could happen regardless.  It’s a matter of personal choice as to whether or not you enter into a deceptive relationship with  another person.  I don’t accept the argument that things just happen.  Things happen because we ignore growing feelings and allow ourselves to be in vulnerable situations, not because you have sex with people other than your spouse.  This happens in marriages all the time, and the blame always falls to the outside relationship.  It is more accurate to say that people will sleep with other peoples spouses without permission, far more than they will with permission, so let’s not get too judge-y here.

tiger-woods-cheating-meme

What a cheeky monkey…

I imagine the technicalities of a non-monogamous relationship would bring up some interesting conversations.  I love that they can honestly and openly negotiate such a difficult arrangement.  I have so much respect for the amount of trust and love needed to understand the real nature of unconditional love. The closest most of us come is the way we feel about our children.  We love them like an extension of our own body, one that we would die to protect.  The love flows freely from one to the other with the perfect understanding of trust and love.  That is the ideal, of course, and some days we only get a moment of the ideal, and the remainder a fraction of what we glimpsed.  However, we do feel it most for our children.  Why is it so unnatural for some of us to be unguarded enough to be able to love and be loved, so freely?

When we have been hurt sufficiently and learn to rebound back with our self esteem intact, and our understanding has improved, we are able to open ourselves raw to another.  We commit fully to the experience of loving and being loved, and take the chance of unexpected suffering later on, in order to take fullest advantage of our good fortune now.  The emotional and spiritual gains we earn are worth the pain we undergo.  When we look at each other with nothing but love and acceptance, we will begin to create the best partner we would ever want, and in turn create a beautiful process of self-fulfillment that will continue every day after.

"I love you unconditionally. And is that a train?"

“I love you unconditionally. And is that a train?”

There are many variables that have to be in place before a relationship like this can occur: complete trust, self-acceptance, emotional maturity, courage, physical attractiveness, mutual respect, agreement on fundamental belief systems and finally a desire for both to WANT something different.  If ALL of those variables are not met, the theory falls apart in lots of ways, and an alternative relationship will not be successful.  At any point, if one partner wants it more than the other, renegotiation is required.

Non-monogamous relationships are a hard-sell for most couples because of all of the variables that aren’t being addressed in our monogamous relationships.

Perhaps people think it’s more polite to say what someone else wants to hear, rather than risk offending.  Ultimately, we can’t possibly know someone who pretends to like the things we like so we don’t get mad at them.   If we aren’t being truthful with our partners in every way, then we are denying our mates the opportunity to know us intimately as people.   Being honest takes out the guess work in relationships.  You have to agree to be kind and fair, of course, but there is no reason anyone should be angry at anyone else for being honest about something they were asked.

Awkward-couple

I have to be honest. I’ve always hated that hat. And you.

One of the first times The Birdman asked me out, he offered to take me ***bowling.  I almost said I would go, but I remembered that I didn’t want to go bowling.  I would have normally said I would love to go, and just lied about hating bowling.  Instead, I said I just didn’t like bowling.   I took the chance that he was grown up enough not to be angry that I didn’t like something he liked.  Guess what?  I WAS RIGHT.  The thing is, most of the time, it is okay to be honest.  If it’s not okay, that is a great thing to find out early in a relationship, so you can get the hell out when you see the crazy coming at you.   We have to have the emotional maturity, personal security and self-acceptance that we are not reduced to shreds every time someone doesn’t agree with us.  It’s a small example, but it’s not a small idea.  If you are not telling the truth about the things you love, and don’t love, you are only hurting yourself.  Also, pretending to love camping might cause you to be spending 3 weeks camping every summer for the next 25 years.  See if that makes you change your mind about transparency in relationships.

Some people might be angry that I blew open Pandora’s box, but I don’t really think that’s fair.  I am talking about real relationship issues that just happen to deal with friends who like to go to sex clubs.  If we remove the sexual deviation from the equation, it is a completely valid argument that you could have at a crowded party.  I’m not saying I agree with them.  It’s not an endorsement of any lifestyle over any other.  However it is a fascinating study of how people relate to each other in a very grown up way.  I am not afraid to talk about ideas, even if they make people uncomfortable.  I’m not sorry if my ideas sometimes upset people.  My ideas are for people who sometimes have ideas of their own.  Why don’t you leave YOUR ideas in the comments?

Mrs. B

***I have just been informed that I remember the bowling incident as I WISH it had happened, and not as it ACTUALLY happened.  Apparently, I DID make a half-assed agreement to bowl at some point in the future.  I remember not wanting to bowl, and that we didn’t go bowling, so I assumed I had told him I didn’t want to. Now that I think about it, I wasn’t very much into being truthful when I met him, so I can see the irony of the bowling ‘life lesson’.  Well played, Karma.  Well played.

Aug 29

Therapy Thursday

newtherapythursday

Dear Therapy Thursday,

I am a magnet for the wrong type of guy!  I want to break free from the string of losers that I’ve dated and slept with. Are all men looking for the same thing?  Is it really about having a great body, big boobs, a fat ass and pretty face?  Doesn’t it matter that I have a name?  An opinion?  I think therefore I am?  I want someone who listens!  I want someone to hold me! I want someone to tell me I am pretty!  I want someone to notice when I change my hair color or nail polish! I want someone to LOVE ME!!  What is wrong with all the men??

 Loser Magnet

wpid-fromthedesk.jpeg

Dear Loser Magnet,

I have to take issue with your last sentence.

“What is wrong with all the men??”

I would like to pose the question to you: What is wrong with all the women? Why do they keep signing up for relationships with men who fall far short of the goal? At what point in a new relationship do you decide that you have hooked a loser?

I have a theory. If a woman knows her worth, she no longer puts up with less than she desires. If she DOES put up with less, she does it with the full understanding that this new relationship does not meet the acceptable standards, and she can no longer complain about the man OR the relationship. I believe people show us exactly who they are early on in a relationship. I remember the man who let me know he wasn’t into being very demonstrative with his feelings (dated him anyway), and the one afraid of commitment (dated him anyway), and the one who seemed to like men better than women (didn’t date him very long at all!). In hindsight, I can clearly see that there were problems almost from the very start that I ignored or minimized in the hope that this fresh candidate was THE ONE.

That brings us to the crux of the issue, in my humble opinion. Women (and men too for that matter) must really like, and feel confident about who THEY are, to be able to find and BE the kind of mate they are looking for. If you find yourself in one unsatisfactory relationship after another, the problem might not be the man. I don’t say this to be hurtful, or to cast blame, but to give you a point of view that you may not have considered. It’s easy to pay lip service to the idea that you like who you are, but do you really? Are you strong enough to do and say what you really want to? Do you feel certain enough about your ideas and desires that you are willing to hold on to them, even if they do not mesh with those of your partners?

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” I recently read that in a great book called “The Perks of Being A Wallflower” and I believe it speaks to the heart of the issue. Until we are strong enough to insist on what we want, we will not likely get it. Sometimes we get lucky and get it by accident. Life becomes simpler when we are allowed to be exactly who we are, and we allow our partners the same luxury. This comes with practise, but it starts with understanding that people need to be accepted for exactly who they are, with no expectation to change for someone else.

It’s a slippery slope trying to merge your life with someone else’s. There will always be things that don’t completely match up. You have to quickly know what you can, and CANNOT live with in another person. Since you are currently single, I am going to make a suggestion. I want you to write a list of ‘must haves’ for your future mate. These are non-negotiables for you. Then, create a list of ‘NO WAY’s’, which are things you cannot accept about someone. A third list of qualities which would be desirable, but not essential would round out the lists. When you meet someone, start looking at your list and assess the qualities this person has with whatever information you have. You are searching for someone who will complement your life, not turn you into a maid, a trophy or a carbon-copy of someone he used to know. Because you will be 100% Team You, you can start looking at the behaviour you see with a realistic eye, and not a hopeful heart.

One final thought: Is it essential that he notice your hair colour? Nail polish? Remember that some things only seem like a deal breaker. If a man loves you and treats you beautifully, the fact that he misses your new haircut may not be grounds for immediate dismissal. Let’s be flexible here… )

Mrs. Birdman

mindofbirdman
Dear Loser:
I think we need to look at this in a broken down format, because it will make it easier for my man brain to handle.
  1. I am a magnet for the wrong type of guy! That’s great! It takes all kinds of people to make this crazy world go around, and if it weren’t for girls like you, I would never have gotten laid in high school.
  2.  I want to break free from the string of losers that I’ve dated and slept with. Why? That is very selfish of you to exclude such a huge group of people from your breeding pool.
  3. Are all men looking for the same thing? You mean the blow job while you whistle Roger Whittaker through the dried boogers in your nose thing? Yep.
  4. Is it really about having a great body, big boobs, a fat ass and pretty face? No, sometimes we like to bang scrawny, homely women to remind us of that time we went to Burma.
  5. Doesn’t it matter that I have a name?  An opinion?  I think therefore I am? Not really. I’m probably just going to call you Babe or Pickletits. God I love pickles.
  6. I want someone who listens!  I want someone to hold me! I want someone to tell me I am pretty!  I want someone to notice when I change my hair color or nail polish! I want someone to LOVE ME!! Holy shit, you are one needy motherfucker. Get yourself a dog and a male prostitute. I hear The Six-Fingered Monkey is cheap.
  7. What is wrong with all the men?? Same thing that’s wrong with all of the women. We don’t get enough fibre in our diet.

The world don’t move to the beat of just one drum, what might be right for you, might not be right for some,

Birdman
P.S. I rarely notice hair and/or nails. That shit doesn’t matter to me.
Sep 12

An In-Depth View Of The Male Orgasm

I got a request the other day to put into words the feeling of the male orgasm. While I can’t speak for every man, I can describe what’s going through my tiny man-brain, and also what’s going through my regular man brain.

I’ve decided to add photographs of myself in different levels of orgasm, and while you might be telling yourself (and others) that sex with me must be pretty boring if my beautiful wife is able to take photographs whilst in the throes of passion. Well, I’d like to point out that she’s a fucking professional (Notice the play on words?). She is able to take herself out of the scene, and focus on the task at hand. Sure the task at hand is sometimes reading, taking her contacts out, or sleeping, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that she is always eager to help me to put out the most professionalinane blog posts known to humans.

Whatever it takes. Right, Baby?

I’ve also decided to describe the facial expressions from my soul mate, life partner, and voice of reason, but only because I kept dropping the camera while trying to get the pictures I needed. After I dropped the 5D on her forehead, and then my Android in her eye (She made me use the lightest camera we have after I put the dent in her melon), she decided that I wasn’t strong enough to carry out this manoeuvre, and I would have to “suck it up” and quit wasting her time. Hey, I have a bad shoulder, and it’s really hard to hold myself up with my left. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE!

Okay, I’m sorry. Let’s get back on topic. I’m going to describe a non-Cialis, above-average orgasm. I would love to tell you about average orgasms, but I just don’t have them anymore.

First off, there is the cocooning that prequels the actual act, and then there is “The Mount”

Oh my god. I’m really going to have some sex. Oh wow, it’s really happening…

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Aug 30

Therapy Thursday

Dear Therapy Thursday:

So here’s my problem: my girlfriend has a big crush on Judge Judy and I just don’t get it. Can you help me understand?

Wishing It Was Oprah

Dear Wishing: I really struggled with this one. Part of me wants to tell you to run away, but then I realized that you might be lesbians, and I never want to see lesbians break up.

If you are a man, run for the hills, unless that’s where you already are, because, let’s face it, this is a pretty hillbilly dilemma, if I ever did see one.

If you are a lady, then I suggest a few different things, so read them all and choose whichever one makes you hornyhappy. Continue reading

Jul 19

Therapy Thursday

Dear Therapy Thursday,

Today I was at the gym, and saw a “girl” whom I believe is a professional body builder. Though she was my height, bigger than me and stronger than me, and she had (pretty much) all the characteristics of a man, I found her quite attractive. (Despite knowing that she could probably crush my head like a grape with her powerful thighs, and would likely insist on being on top.)

I’ve been looking for a way to get my wife into 3-ways, and this seems like a perfect opportunity! (Something for everyone – all that muscle, and boobs, too!) How would you suggest I approach the topic with my wife?

Sincerely,

Hoping Our Marriage Opens

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