Jun 16

This Is F*ck*ng Exciting! For Me – Comedy Open Mic Round 18

For Change The Topic followers:

So as most of you know I have switched over to writing on https://www.steemit.com.

It’s a blogging platform on the Steem blockchain, and while I can’t get into the whole cryptocurrency discussion of it all, I can speak to the blogging aspect.

The main thing I like about it is that it has me creating again. Both Mrs. Birdman and I. We’re back to doing Therapy Thursdays again as well, and we are going to be doing them via video if anyone ever sends us their problems again.

Now, I know that not really writing anything for years has led to a complete lack of engagement on here, so I don’t expect that many are still following, but I do enjoy having things I write on here and have really enjoyed going back through old posts and reliving my not so distant youth.

There are some things I don’t even remember writing.

There are a lot of other great things about it, but getting rich is not one of them. I was under the impression that money flowed like wine from a soccer mom’s juice bottle, but I was misinformed.

It’s actually a cryptocurrency called Steem, and it flows more like me trying to poop after eating the whole cheese ball at Nana’s. Fuck off, it was full of Old Nippy and it was delicious.

Like I said, I don’t know anything about crypto. (That’s what we call cryptocurrency on Steemit. We’re all hip to the terms and shit.) I know that the price of crypto has been going down, so the value of my account has been going down as well. It was worth about $300 and it’s now worth about $150. I have also given a lot of my SBD away for contest prizes and stuff like that because I’m in this more for the long haul and I feel that positively impacting the platform where most of the creators are struggling to be seen, will help with longevity.

I’m not doing this to make a quick buck. I could throw a few handies out behind a gym if I was looking for that.

Hold on a sec. Did you catch that I implied that there were gays hanging out at gyms? That was just me throwing shade because I’m fat and pretending that I’m above going to a gym because of the gay guys that may or may not be there.

I’m not. It’s actually laziness that keeps me away from the gym. If we could guarantee to run into some decent gay guys, I’m sure Mrs. Birdman and I would both be there trying to lure them into our web. I mostly just want someone to explain some of the jokes on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

I get a kick out of that show, but there are some jokes where everyone is laughing, but I’m just sitting there, smiling, and waiting for the punchline.

Anyhow, the reason I’m so excited now is that there is a new plugin for my WordPress blog that will publish the post to Steemit without having @cheetahbot and @steemcleaners coming at you for plagiarising your own content. This is awesome because the interface in WordPress is way easier to use than writing code into Steemit.

It’s called SteemPress

This means I can publish on Change The Topic and simultaneously to my Steemit account. Apparently without a hitch. This post is a test, plus I figured I could use it as an entry for Comedy Open Mic as well.

So here are my nominations and a banner that was made by @matytan

I am nominating @kayyam09 and @cryptkeeper17 to join in the fun.

You can find out what you need to know about the contest here

They are a great bunch of fucking degenerates, and I know that they partly feel the same about me. (If you didn’t pick up on my subtlety, I was saying they think I’m a fucking degenerate.)

Anyhow, hope to see more of you around and check things out. You might just find a reason to get out of bed in the afternoon.

Jun 02

Calling All Canadians

Do you know what I love?

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Yep, that’s right. I fucking love @comedyopenmic, (from here on in called COM) and I am proud to say it. It’s a fantastic community full of funny, helpful people, that really love to laugh and to make others laugh.

Do you know what I hate?

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(image source)

When my forehead tattoo becomes obsolete, and every kid that pulls up to the drive-thru when I’m on shift asks me what it means.

It means get some fucking culture. You’ve really never heard of Larry The Cable Guy?

Another thing I love is the COM Discord channel. When you’re in there you can shoot the shit, lounge around Carl’s cock room, or get some comedic troubleshooting done.

Speaking of comedic lessons, you can check out one of Amir’s Comedy School posts to get some tips on how to tickle the funny bone of a potential mate, or in @belemo‘s case, how to tickle your own funny bone. (I think he calls it that because of its unnatural downward curve when erect.)
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(possibly a touch of jaundice as well.)(image source)

Something I don’t love is that I seem to be the only Canadian that is active in the COM Discord channel, so when I’m at the computer, all of the others are asleep. When I get up at 5 AM, I am just in time to say goodnight to everyone and then scroll through to see all the fun they had without me there.

I sense a lot of people thinking, ‘We always have more fun when you aren’t around.’ and to them, I say…

…nothing because it’s hard to talk through a veil of tears and dashed hopes of friendship.

So I’m calling on all Canucks to rally with me to defend this great injustice against our people. Everyone knows that we produce some of the finest comedy faces known to man.
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(Only a few, if any, will understand this.)(image source)

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(I fucking hope these aren’t in order of importance, or someone’s got some splainin’ to do.)(image source)

Do any of you know the feeling of sending a bunch of inane messages into all the channels, only to be awakened by a series of dings at 9:30 PM?

What? I go to bed at 9. Fuck off, I’m old and have to get up at 5. I also forget to turn my ringer off most nights.

It’s not like the old days when I could party until 4 AM because I just got fired and my girlfriend wasn’t home. I really didn’t have to get up for anything. Also, I think I invented the girlfriend because I lived in a 1987 Dodge Caravan and liked to snort oven cleaner. Even if she was real, you know you couldn’t trust her.

Anyhow, I’m calling on all of you Canadians to rise to the occasion and submit an original entry to #comedyopenmic and show these fucking Aussies, Brits, Nigerians, Indonesians, Phlips, and Indians that we hosers know how to gut punch. I can feel their taunts.

Mostly because they actually type them out.
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(I thought they were giving me my own room, but it turns out they just really like Game Of Thrones.)

I know it’s mostly in jest, but it still hurts that I don’t have anyone here to mourn the loss of The Rick Mercer Report and Gord Downie with. There’s nobody here to lament about the constant rise of maple syrup prices or the collateral damage of beavers damming up the roadsides.

It’s a harsh reality and it’s mine.

Laugh if you will, because that is the ultimate goal of COM, but know this: winter is coming and we are going to be prepared for that motherfucker. We’ve got our cold weather gear at the ready and the kids(in the hall) are out there stacking firewood as we speak.

All we need now are your funnies to join the fight. If you don’t have a Steemit account, they’re free, so go get one HERE and while you’re waiting to get approved, start writing, singing or videoing??? your best comedy jabs. I don’t know about next week, but the grand prize this week is 55 SBD, which is close to $100 USD and I’m not good with math but that must be about $3700 CDN, right? You can buy a fleet of canoes, a large poutine, and a two-four with that.

You can find out more about it in this post right here

Comedy Open Mic Comedy Contest – Round 16

It’s a lot of fun and it makes Jerry fucking Banfield easier to take when you have comedy (and flaming red lips) to soften the blowjob.If you are on Steemit, what the hell are you waiting for? Get in here and rock out with your proverbial cock out. Also, get your ass in to vote @comedyopenmic as witness. It will make you feel good about yourself. Probably even negate that thing you did that’s been keeping you up at night.

Alright, I see @idikuci coming with the hook, so I guess that’s my time. Please help me, before they start throwing darts at pictures of Anne Murray and Gordon Lightfoot again. I can’t take any more of that blaspheme.

Keep rockin’, Gordie

 

Apr 07

Is My Brain Showing? Part 2

(from Steemit)
As you may remember, when we left our hero, he was signing some waivers saying that he refused ambulatory care because there was no fucking way he was going to spend the weekend in Youngstown.

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(How I picture a weekend in Youngstown)

Actually, it was Hubbard, but who ever heard of Hubbard, Ohio, except people from near Hubbard, Ohio.

Anyhow, it didn’t have anything to do with the town, as a long-haul trucker I didn’t get paid if the wheels aren’t turning. Also, there was the newly acquired head wound that I needed to get stitched up, but as any Canadian can tell you, you don’t go to a hospital in the US if you don’t have health insurance.

So my dilemma was that I had to get the load secured and back to Canada, where I wouldn’t have to pay to go to emergency. I figured that St. Catherines would be easier to get to with the truck than Niagara Falls, so this was my plan.

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The warehouse guy came out and helped me chain down the rest of the load and I whipped over to the truck stop to weigh my axles.

They were out by a bit.

So I had to go back and get the load shifted ahead. By the time I got back to the truck stop, it was late afternoon and my head was pounding pretty bad. I also had to change my dressing and I was feeling really tired, so I thought I might grab a nap before heading north.

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(I thought they just left their dead and wounded.)

I should back up a bit and mention that throughout this time I was in contact with my boss who was urging me to go to the hospital and use his credit card. While I was screwing around he sent another driver that was passing through near me to stop in and see how bad I was.

He showed up in the truck stop washroom while I was trying to change my bandages.

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(It wasn’t this bloody, but close)

He said that Rudy was worried about me and asked if I needed help with the dressing. I said that I would really appreciate that as it is hard to work in the mirror.

He said that Rudy thought he could take me to the hospital and that he understood why after seeing my head. I guess the flap had crusted up pretty badly. He had the credit card and had already unhooked his trailer, so off we went to the hospital.

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(It wasn’t quite this dramatic.)

When we got there we had to cross a picket line because the hospital was on strike. I wasn’t too worried about it until I saw the sign that said something about scab labor and my wound festering or something like that. Thanks, that’s fucking helpful.

When we got inside there was a lady doing the admitting, a pretty nurse, and a doctor from England. I guess they were the scabs. Oh well, lucky for me they were there.

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(I sure do love pixabay.com)

When the doctor saw me, he was a little perturbed that I had waited ten hours to come in. I guess there was a bit of rust or dirt still in there and he had to cut away some of the edges that were no good, but he got it stitched up. While he was stitching me up he asked where I was from.

I told him and he stopped what he was doing and asked me what the hell was with people in Canada. I said I didn’t know what he meant and he explained that since he had been there he had met three Canadians before me. One was the nurse, one was an elderly man that had been in a car accident and broke his leg and just wanted a splint put on it. Then there was a teenaged boy that was in a hockey tournament that had his eye socket fractured in the game that just wanted to get back to the arena for the last game. He said, “What do you guys think, you’re made of steel or something?”

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(Come on, these pictures are cute.)

I said, “No, what we’re not made of is money, and if we can make it four more hours we won’t be spending thousands of dollars here.”

He said that he thought I did this at work and when I replied that I had, he told me that it was all covered by worker’s compensation. I asked how much it would have cost and he figured about US$1200. Just to keep this face pretty.

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(Like how I used red to give it that real wound look?)

All in all, it was an above average run. Oddly not the worst one I had ever been on, but definitely not the best. The way I look at it is that I saved the company $1200 by getting hurt on the job and I didn’t even get a raise.

P.S. While I was looking around I found this at http://fox8.com/2017/07/29/hubbard-ohio-factory-owner-says-she-has-jobs-but-few-sober-applicants/

hubbard.JPG

If he’s going to MAGA, he should get the fuck to work.

Apr 04

Is My Brain Showing? Part 1

(This was previously posted on Steemit, but I figured I could start posting things from there on here. I own it, right?)

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(I don’t know where she plans on injecting that love.)

I had to spend eight hours in a fucking first aid course today. It was torturous. This is the ninth time I’ve taken level one first aid and that makes me sad, but you need to have it if you want to work. As far as first aid courses go, this one wasn’t too bad, and I met a cool, old feller in there and he only lives a few minutes from me, so hopefully I get a chance to hang out with him sometime. He’s over 70 and still working full-time, but thinks he might retire and work closer to home. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it’s not called retiring when you just switch employers.

While I was on https://pixabay.com/ looking for free first aid photos, I noticed some that seemed oddly out of place or just funny. Like this one and basically the rest of the ones I will post here.
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(I wonder if this one shows up under WWE as well.)

Back to the story.

When the instructor told us about how you were supposed to act in a calm, reassuring manner when someone comes to you with a first aid emergency, I was reminded of a story from when I was in/near Youngstown Ohio in the late 90s.

You see, I was a long-haul trucker and was sent to this steel mill to pick up these huge rings that were going to some sort of wood product mill in Quebec to replace some roller type thing. They loaded them on me and I had to chain it down and go to a nearby truck stop to make sure the load was positioned properly, weight-wise.

I had a snipe that was bent a bit and I was having a hard time getting the boomer(bear trap) to snap, so I got the bent snipe out and did something I knew better than to do, but it was Friday and if I didn’t get the load weighed and positioned properly I would be sitting there until Monday.

For those of you that don’t know what I’m talking about with the securement, watch this video for the first couple of minutes. A snipe is a cheater bar and the thing he’s putting it on is a bear trap/boomer/binder.

When I decided to get on top of the snipe and put my entire weight on it, it spun and snapped back into my face.

Pretty hard.
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( I knew Miss Piggy was going snap one day.)

When I woke up, I was laying on the concrete floor of the warehouse beside my glasses and ball cap with the newly dented peak.

I scrambled to get up and when I bent over to pick up my stuff, blood started drippingpouring out onto the floor. I took notice and, with my body hunched a bit to keep from bleeding on myself, slowly made my way towards the part of the building that people were in.

When I got a bit closer to the main door, an employee saw me and started walking towards me. I asked him where the first aid was and he said he was a first aider and started stepping up his pace. I lifted my head up and when he looked at my head he got this freaked out look on his face and he started to turn away while yelling something like, but not limited to, “Oh my God, holy fuck. Your fucking head, man. Oh shit. Fuck.”
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(This must be the Playboy mansion first aid attendant)

And then he was gone

Now I was getting scared. I picked up my pace and started to worry about when my adrenaline ran out and I succumbed to my severe head trauma. Very soon a heavier set man was running toward me and pulling on some rubber gloves. The shithead first aider was in tow with a first aid bag in his hands.

I started screaming as soon as I saw the gloves. It went something like this: “I’M AFRAID TO TOUCH MY HEAD! PLEASE HELP ME. I THINK MY BRAINS ARE COMING OUT OF MY SKULL.”
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(Doubles as an ice dance pic as well.)

He was trying to get me into a chair against a wall full of papers tacked to corkboard, but I wanted nothing to do with slowing down. I knew that was when you were fucked. The way buddy screamed and ran away from me told me that I was running on nothing but instinct and luck. If I stopped, I would bleed out and slowly fade away. Or something like that. I was in fucking shock, how do I know what things mean?

He said that he was a first aid attendant and he needed me to calm down, but his tweaker looking sidekick was just staring at me with this horrified look and cringing, so I did what any person would do.

I looked him right in the eye and yelled in my deepest, gravelly baritone voice, “IS MY BRAIN SHOWING?”
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(That’s what happens when you flip my Nana the bird.)

He said he couldn’t see it, but he would like to have a better look, so I sat down and he used his flashlight to look around. He said it looked like my skull had a fracture, but there was no brain showing.

While he was explaining things to me, I looked right at the other first aider and started yelling something about him being the worst medical person in the world and saying that if my head wasn’t split open I would beat him until he shit himself. He started to cry and then I stopped to collect myself and apologize, but he took off. Now the real first aid guy was looking at me disapprovingly and I apologized and told him what happened as he walked me to the first aid room to wash my wound out.
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(How would this even happen?)

I told him to relay my sorrow to the other guy, but to understand that he is not someone who should be in that role. He agreed and started to call an ambulance, but I stopped him in his tracks. I explained that I needed to get my load secured and weighed before I did anything, so he handed me some waivers to sign, bandaged the flap of skin up off of my right eyebrow, and gave me a bag full of gauze pads and tape.

I was free!
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There is a whole nother part of this, but I’m tired. I’ll get it up here soon.

Feb 17

Steemit

I don’t know if you’ve heard of it or not. I just heard about it a couple of weeks ago and joined up. It took a week to get my account approved, but it finally did and I started blogging there. My account is @profanereviews, but as I get rewards on there I plan on doing one up for Change The Topic as well.

It’s a pretty cool concept, as it’s a social media network built on a blockchain, so you get rewarded with Steem for posting and for curating content. It’s pretty complex, and I don’t know all the ins and outs, but basically you just find posts that you like and upvote them. Don’t waste your votes on shit though, because you only have a limited amount of voting power.

It’s been pretty good so far, and I’ve made about $20 in the last few days, which isn’t much for the work I’ve put in, but I’m just learning. Apparently if you can create consistent, original content that people like, you will gradually get more and more value out of the platform.

It’s really got me interested in writing again, so I’m posting some old reviews on there, but putting up a new story for every regurgitated one that I post. That was when I figured I would let you folks know about it. I think you can go on there and read any posts that you want, but if you want to upvote and comment, you need an account.

The accounts are free with a valid email and phone number, but just one per phone. After the first you have to either pay or use some of your rewards. I’m looking into just paying, but I know fuck all about cryptocurrency, so I will probably just build up and delegate. If it doesn’t take too long.

This was my introduce myself post, And I plan to write a bunch more, but they will probably mostly be on there, to try to build up my reputation and voting power. If you read this post, you will see that better curation is needed there and it’s up to the users to weed out the bad while upvoting the good. It’s just a side bonus that you can trade your Steem in for Bitcoin or other cryptocurrency, which you can then trade for cash, or apparently buy stuff with it. Like I said, I’m pretty ignorant about crypto, but I’m learning more every day.

Anyhow, if anyone is interested, check it out. It’s kind of neat, because everything is recorded and public, so if you make an account it’s there forever, along with anything you use the account for. Other than your email and phone number, you don’t have to use any personal information, so you can be pretty anonymous if you want to. I’ve never been the anonymous type, so I let it hang.

If you do join, let me know your username and I’ll follow you and help get you started.

Later, gators,

Birdman