Nov 06

The Year I Got Drunk On Halloween

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I know, that’s every year.

Remember how Gadget and Penny have a Halloween party every year? Remember how we always take all kinds of pictures? Not so much this year. Luckily Mrs. Stick was there to snap a few gooders so we can at least have a post. Thanks Mrs. Stick!

Apparently X marks the spot. Start digging, ladies.

She’s the one with the boobs.

You see, I got so drunk last year that I left with only one shoe and had my head hanging out the door for most of the ride home. This year I was going to be way more smarter than that. I had devised a surefire plan to not get so sick.

I would just drink shots.

Genius, right?

Sure, I would have a beer in hand to nurse on, but for the most part I would just do shots. Mostly because the people there force you to drink them, but also because I’m one of those people. The forcers.

Just during the “meetings” though. If you aren’t in a meeting nobody will force you to drink anything. Well, they might try it upstairs, but there are places for you to run. Downstairs is a different story. The bar is right beside the stairwell, so as soon as you go down there, you can’t get back up without doing a shot of everything on the bar. These rules are enforced by Tweezle, Gadget, and everyone else in the basement and there is absolutely no breaking the rules. Continue reading

Nov 04

The Shavedown – Part 1

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So we had our little party at Kelly’s Homelike Inn in Cobourg Ontario. Kelly’s is my favourite bar, probably because it’s the first place that my Dad ever took me for a beer. It was the bar that he went to to drink with his buddies, and it turned into the bar that I drank at with my buddies. If you get a chance to get in there for a drink you should go, just to say you were there. You would then be in the company of some pretty great people. Look around the walls at some of the legends, sporting and non, and you will get a feel of the rich history of the place. It is probably the oldest liquor serving establishment in town, but I could be wrong about that. Sometimes I talk out of my ass.

Kellys

Anyhow, enough about Kelly’s for this installment, we’re here to talk about real men, in a real man’s bar, shaving like real men do.

(drunken real men with emotional problems)

It was a rainy Halloween night, so there wasn’t a lot of action happening downstairs where the band was setting up.

Savvy and the Hairdo Band were opening for GNR, but Axel got trashed and ended up puking off the patio all night.

Savvy and the Hairdo Band were opening for GNR, but Axel got trashed and ended up puking off the patio all night.

Luckily Savvy is a professional and was able to finish out the night with some inspiration from Slash and this other guy.

Luckily Savvy is a professional and was able to finish out the night with some inspiration from Slash and this other guy.

Continue reading

Sep 05

Therapy Thursday

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Dear Therapy Thursday:

I’m a recently single woman, just a shade over fifty, still kinda cute and a little out of shape, but still can do a cartwheel in a skirt. I’ve been out of circulation for such a long time and I am just getting back into the dating scene.  I want to know where to go to “get my walls plastered”, so to speak.  I’m not looking for a geezer and I don’t want some guy so young I can say, “Come to Grandma”.  I want to know what it takes to catch a man’s eye, hold his interests and make him smile.

Old Bag wants a new Trick

mindofbirdman

Dear Old Bag,

Have you thought of going to the nunnery and giving your life to the lord?

No? Well you should.

Seriously though, you need to explain what it is that you want. Is it a place to get your walls plastered, or do you want to capture the attention of a certain man? If it’s the walls plastered, then you will want to talk to Smarty about that, but if you are trying to snag a lunker you can talk to me.

Now, I suppose we should find out what sort of man you are looking for. This is essential if we are to know where to find him. I will list a few types and the necessary info. What you do with it is your business.

  1. The Simple Man – You should do yourself up like Reba, incorporate Duck Dynasty and/or Larry The Cable Guy quotes into your everyday speech patterns, and do a lot of browsing around at Bass Pro Shops or TSC.
  2. The Hipster – You should steal a homeless man’s clothes, recite slam poems, and hangout at small coffee shops or organic microbreweries. Bonus points if you haven’t brushed your hair or washed your armpits for two weeks.
  3. The Douchebag – You can wear anything, say anything, and go anywhere. If you have two or more tits and a heartbeat, these pricks will find you, lie to you, and most likely fuck you up for the next guy that comes along.
  4. The Nice Guy – You can wear anything, say anything, and go anywhere. If he really likes you, he’ll make it known to you. There won’t be any cheesy pickup lines, empty promises, or lies to get you into bed. You will have sex with him because it would seem a shame not to.
  5. The Nerd – Do a little cosplay, speak in elven, Klingon, or almost any code, and hang out at hobby shops, Comicon, or his mother’s basement.

These very useless points are my advice to you. It may seem like I didn’t take your question seriously, but I did. There is no set way to capture a man’s fancy, but if you just be yourself, you will find that whatever man finds and loves you, will love you for you, and will do it unconditionally. These are things I know to be true. It doesn’t matter if you are a sneaky bitch or a pure-hearted girl next door, if you are true to yourself, you’ll find someone who loves you. You just might not like who they are.

Birdman

SmartyTalks

Dear Bag:

Holy fuck, I will plaster, prime, and sand your walls for a minimal fee. I don’t care one iota if you even shower or brush your tooth; I will ride that fat ass of yours right to the wire if the price is right.

As for doing cartwheels in a skirt, if you are doing them without panties on, I will gladly return any fees that you may have incurred from past sexual liaisons with me or my colleague Puerto Rico Paulie. The catch is that you have to let us video record the cartwheels for a minimum of eighteen minutes. Some people just love that shit.

I’m not sure where you live, but some of the best places to get laid around here are liquor serving establishments. I know, it freaked me out too, but the consensus is in and it looks like walking into a bar and announcing that you are horny is the best way for a woman to get the sexual intercourse going for herself.

Another option is a crack house, but it’s mostly the risk that gets me off there. There’s just something magical about not knowing when somebody is going to snap or the cops are going to bust through the door.

You could also just get yourself the Fist of Adonis and beat the everloving piss out of your old leather mitt every night. That’s the gift that keeps on giving in my opinion.

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I have no idea why you’d need different colours.

Smarty

Aug 20

Remember When We Raced Down The River?

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Well, I did a photo recount for Aiming Low and they published it! Yayyyyy for me.

What are you waiting for? Go click the link. Hurry. Make them glad to have hired me.

(Please don’t make me beg, because I will.)

On that note, we should have a splendid post for you later this week, because we received some Therapy Thursday questions/problems. I love it when our readers are fucked in the head. :P.

What I need from you guys is a direction to take. Who do you want to answer it? You can choose from Mrs. Birdman, with all of her common sense; Me, with a little bit of common sense; or Smarty, with almost zero common sense, and probably more vices than Nick Nolte. You can choose two, because, come on, we need some sort of balance here.

Leave a comment somewhere that I’ll find it, and I’ll see you bastards on Thursday.

Maybe. If I get chosen that is.

I want you (I want you), I need you (I need you), but there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you,

Birdman

Aug 19

Road Rash

Birdman

Alright, so after my parents divorced, we moved with my mom to a house that was two doors north of my Uncle Larry’s place. He was my dad’s brother, and it wasn’t uncommon to see Dad’s pickup parked there on a Saturday or Sunday morning.

It also wasn’t uncommon for me to have stupid ideas.

This is one of those times that the two landed on the same day.

Now this was a weekend that we were at Mom’s and my brother Larry and I were playing in the yard. We just happened to be looking for something fun to do, when Dad’s truck pulled into Uncle Larry’s driveway.

Don't you dare make fun of my Paint skills; my wife was sleeping, and I don't know how to use Photoshop.

Don’t you dare make fun of my Paint skills; my wife was sleeping, and I don’t know how to use Photoshop.

“Hey, we should go and crawl under Dad’s truck.” said I, in my infinite wisdom.

“What for?”

“We’ll drag underneath it when he backs up, then we’ll climb into the box and scare the shit out of him. He won’t be able to see us in his mirror,  then…BANG! We are yelling at him in the back of his truck. It’s going to be so funny.”

“Haha, that’ll be so awesome. Let’s sneak through the ditch, so he doesn’t see us. We’ll be like ninjas.”

I thought that was a great idea, so I answered with a silent nod and point towards my uncle’s place.

Back in the early 80’s, people weren’t as flippant with the word “ninja” as they are today. Back then it meant something; especially to a young boy who had just watched this.

So we stealthily crept through the ditch and crawled under the truck, hanging on to the rear bumper so he couldn’t take off without us, and we waited. After a short while that seemed like two days, we heard the screen door open and heard him say goodbye to Uncle Larry.

This was it, our time to shine.

He fired up the beast and started backing out onto the road. Everything was going according to plan. We smiled at each other and laughed inwardly. As the truck came to a stop we spun around and grabbed the bumper while moving into a crouch position behind the truck. YES! It was totally working. As he started going forward, Larry lost his grip on the bumper and was left behind as I “land skated” behind the old girl.

Shit. I was going to have to go this one alone.

As he picked up speed, I reached up to grab the top of the tailgate and pull myself into the back of the truck. This was going to be so cool. I secretly wished I would be able to record the the manoeuvre and the look on his face as I leapt into the box and started yelling at him.

That was when the tailgate popped open from not being shut all the way and smashed me in the face. That sent me skittering onto the road at about twenty miles an hour. I’m not going to tell you that I wasn’t concerned, because I was, but when I finally stopped and realized that I was okay, I began to grin. Partially because I was glad to not be mortally wounded, but also because I knew I would have made it had the gate stayed shut. A few scraped up limbs was worth knowing that.

Seriously, stop laughing at me. It's not my fault.

Seriously, stop laughing at me. It’s not my fault.

The truck slid to a stop and Dad came running back toward me, as my brother was yelling and making his way toward me too. He was laughing and grinning when he got to me, and had a look of incredulity at what had just happened.

Then there was Dad. I’ll never forget the look on his face through the stars and my pulsing, bloodshot eyes. It was an expression of shock that turned to horror. Oh, and then the fear, that I might have mistaken for rage.

Can you imagine being a parent and seeing your kid in the middle of the road with blood all over his smiling face? I couldn’t then, but I sure can now. He had no clue what had happened, just as I suspected, but instead of that being funnier, it was just a lot scarier. I think about the myriad of emotions that would course through me if it was one of the girls that this happened to. It’s really hard to fathom.

Not that I will ever have to worry about that though, because they are far too smart to pull that kind of stunt, and they rarely go outside. This is good, because that means that most of the things I expected to die from as a young man are off the table, and there’s a way less chance of them developing harmful sunspots.

I can’t say I’m proud of all of the things that I’ve done, but I can say I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone,

Birdman