Nov 27

Old Buddies

MOBROS

Since I’ve been back I’ve had the chance to spend a bit of time with some good friends. A couple of them are guys that I haven’t seen in a long time, or so it feels anyhow.

When Brad messaged me to say he had an extra ticket for an Argos game, I didn’t question what the girl’s name was that had to cancel at the last minute. I just figured that it would be a great night out with an old friend after a very long month of work.

I was right.

First we hit up Wayne Gretzky’s for a few pints and a couple of damn fine burgers.

They didn't have Export. He wasn't happy about that.

They didn’t have Export. He wasn’t happy about that.

We also tried to make friends with the bartender that wasn’t a bald dude.

This kept him from complaining about no Ex.

This kept him from complaining about no Ex.

After we had our fill, we headed for the SkydomeRoger’s Centre and met this guy.

The customer is always right.

The customer is always right.

I told him that I’d buy a foam finger from him if he would Miley Cyrus it for the camera. He must work on commission, because he only complained a bit before giving us the goods.

Brad figured that he could have done a better job and showed him how someone who really wanted to make a sale would do it.

Wait for it...

Wait for it…

I would say that he watched the Grammies, or whatever show she did that on.

Not a money shot, but close enough for me.

Then we went inside and had an $11 beer. I thought that it would taste like the love of a good woman at that price, but it didn’t, it just tasted like regular beer. Live and learn, I guess.

I was told that there was a football game going on, but I couldn’t see past this.

He shoots, he scores!

He shoots, he scores!

Before you think that I’m just there perving out on the cheerleaders, you should probably judge this guy first.

Ooooh yeah. Mama's been doing her crunches.

Ooooh yeah. Mama’s been doing her crunches.

He recorded so much tits and ass that the battery died on his tablet and he had to start using his phone. It’s lucky that he didn’t wear it out, because I’d hate for him to have to borrow one of his kids ipods to finish up with.

There was a British boy band there. I think they were called One Direction, but I may be mistaken.

Which one is Niall?

Which one is Niall?

I don’t remember who won, because we fucked off before the game ended, but I hope it was whoever you like. We decided that the best thing about the night was getting pissy (it’s not misspelled) in a bar, eating street meat, and calling Shauna from the bus station to find out what Bessy’s name was.

Next time I hope we will meet up and head to the Cameron House to check out some bands and support some locals, but until then I will just remember having a great night with a good friend.

Not a real smiley prick, is he?

Not a real smiley prick, is he? It might be because he just had to buy the $22 round.

I need to spend more time with my pals. It makes me happy.

It sometimes makes me drunk too.

Like this past weekend, when Chin Daddy and I went to the camp. It was so good to catch up with him, even if he didn’t agree with my method of getting the torch working better.

I tried to explain to him that I was a professional.

I tried to explain to him that I was a professional.

There wasn’t as much photographic evidence, but it was fun and relaxing. I think it was the first time I’ve ever drank beer with Chin and it was glorious. It was also the first time I have drank a bottle of Bailey’s with him. It’s not because we wanted to. We were starting to nod off, so out came the coffee and we didn’t have any cream so…

There's a guy who is no stranger to late night caffeine.

There’s a guy who is no stranger to late night caffeine.

You know the feeling you get when a really good friend is truly happy? That smile that comes from just above your belly button and works its way up through your body? Well I had it that night. I love to see people who deserve something great finally get it.

The pink brings out the red in his eyes.

The pink brings out the red in his eyes.

For those of you that are relatively new here and didn’t think that my writing was worth digging around, Chin and I went on a great adventure together. It was one of the best trips of my life, and really showed me what a stand up guy that my new friend was. I learned quickly that if Chin said he was going to do something, he did it. Another thing I learned was that if you thanked him for anything, he would say “That’s what I’m here for.” With a straight face.

Seriously. Maybe I’m easily amused, but it made me laugh every time.

“Thanks for holding the door.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

“Thanks for not warning me about that fart. I like it when my nostrils and mouth are full of that burnt hair odor. It tastes like sheep shit smells.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

You get the picture. It was a trip I would do again in a heartbeat. He’s one of those guys that you know you can count on, and it doesn’t hurt that he can keep me laughing all the time.

He’s a good friend, just like Brad, but Brad and I didn’t talk about going to the doctor at all for check ups and shit, like Chin and I did. We agreed that it was stupid for guys to not go get checked out, especially when there is something wrong.

Like another good friend of mine did. He knew there was a problem and for whatever reason decided to wait it out and hope for the best. I’m happy to say that he was okay, but it still scared me.

The thing is that I fucking love my friends. I really don’t want them to die.

Capture

So please get yourselves checked when something isn’t right. Like the blood in my urine. I know that I have a few symptoms of prostate cancer, but I kept forgetting to call back for an appointment.

Until yesterday. I went in and booked my ultrasound after all of that preaching I have done to everyone.

Sometimes it takes a bit of harping, but I’d rather be known as a nag with healthy friends and family than an agreeable bastard that’s always putting people in the ground. This is why Movember is so important to me. I would love it if you could donate a little bit to the cause at Chris Bird’s Mo Space, but I understand if you can’t, because times are tough for a lot of folks. The nice thing about this is that even if you are short on funds, you can go here and get some fantastic info to help you properly nag at the fellas in your life.

You never know; it could save their life.

Thank you for being a friend, travelled down the road and back again,

Birdman

Nov 20

The Shavedown – Part 3

MOBROS

Darrin too, but he was a late bloomer.

That’s right, if you are new here, then you should step back a bit and check out Part 1 and work your way through. If you refuse, then I will give you a quick rundown of what has happened so far.

We went to Kelly’s Homelike Inn for a shavedown party. There was a jam band and they were awesome. There were photos of drunk shaving with a straight razor and blood.

You’re all caught up.

Kelly's Homelike InnJust going to have a pint at Kelly’s is worth the trip. It’s a sports bar for manly men and the women who love them.

Well, now it is. It didn’t used to be boob friendly.

When I was a wee lad, no women were allowed in there, but around 1976 or 77, they changed that rule. I’m sure the guys taking off early to chase some tail every night was hard to watch as a business owner. Kind of like when they finally got their liquor licence. Gord told me that when they just sold beer, guys would come in for a few, then bugger off to somewhere that they could fill their bellies with whiskey. They were losing out on some business that they were already set up for, I guess.

Chalk it up to changing times.

You know what isn’t changing? How sexy and talented The Savvy is. Ask Jay Sharp of Big Breakfast Blog and Eggs fame about The Savvy’s animal magnetism. He’s renowned for it. I think it’s the yoga pants he wears.

Anyhow, enough about that beast. We’re here to finish off the Shavedown Spectacular, once and for all. I think when we left off, it was Scooter’s turn to be shorn. I won the draw and got to lather him up.

So nice.

I wonder if you you have to go to school for barbering people?

I wonder if you you have to go to school for barbering people?

It was weird, but as I was applying the lather, Mr. Brady came back from the can with his eye crusted shut and a sinister look on his face. He exclaimed that he was shaving the next face and nobody was going to stop him. His one good eye was flicking around the room, maniacally.

Hey, who am I to argue?

I don't know what he whispered, but I'd say it wasn't very encouraging.

Scooter thought that maybe a righty shouldn’t be going southpaw on something like this.

"Oh, no problem," said Mr. Brady. "I'll switch it up right now.

“Oh, no problem,” said Mr. Brady. “I’ll switch it up right now.

"How about if I come up under here? Is that better, Scooter?"

“How about if I come up under here? Is that better, Scooter?”

I don’t think that Scooter figured it was better, but I guess you don’t argue with the crazy guy.

That feels like it's maybe too close. Way too close.

That feels like it’s maybe too close. Way too close.

The crackle in Scooter’s voice made me start paying attention. He’s usually pretty easy going and hard to rattle. Look at the size of him for crissakes.

"Whoa, Mr. B. What the hell are you doing? You're cutting him."

“Whoa, Mr. B. What the hell are you doing? You’re cutting him.”

Luckily he snapped out of it before the blade went deep.

Luckily he snapped out of it before the blade went deep.

I don’t know what got into Mr. Brady, but he got really weird until I said something to him. Scooter still won’t tell me what he was whispering in his ear. He just gets a twitch in his eye and his lip trembles.

It was lucky that I was there and had been nicked by a real barber before, because I knew that you have to stop the bleeding with powder. You see, while I was looking for something to clean up the blood with, I came across a can of Ajax. It’s probably not the same powder as the barber uses, but it might be. Either way, it should coagulate the blood, right?

"Dude, I'm almost 75% positive that it's what my barber uses. It is antiseptic too, and that kills the tetanus."

“Dude, I’m almost 75% positive that it’s what my barber uses. It is antiseptic too, and that kills the tetanus.”

(I don’t know if that’s true, but I think there’s bleach in it so it should kill some shit. Right?)

He wasn’t too keen on the idea. He kept yammering on about “Blah blah, gonna really sting, blah, might poison me, yadda yadda, I’m a whiny baby.”

You don't know until you try.

You don’t know until you try.

Well, I gotta say that he didn’t seem to enjoy that at all.

Hey, at least it worked. It would have sucked to have that kind of pain AND the bleeding.

Hey, at least it worked. It would have sucked to have that kind of pain AND the bleeding.

Click1

While the big fella cleaned up, we went to work on Tweezle. The poor bastard has a bit of a baby face, and said he can’t grow real hair, but we still let Gadget have his turn at the blade for posterity’s sake.

They figured that he needed to at least look like he could grow a 'stache. Apparently a monacle too.

They figured that he needed to at least look like he could grow a some hair. Apparently a monocle too.

He really seemed proud of his moustache and goatee. Like he believed it was real and shit.

Look at me, I’m a dandy.

He actually seemed quite proud of his new moustache and goatee. It was like he believed it was real and shit. THEY JUST DREW IT ON YOU, TWEEZLE!

I want to shave his fancy little nose off.

I want to shave his fancy little nose right off.

It turned out that he’s a bit sensitive about his boyish growth of facial hair. I guess the guys at his work have teased him mercilessly and it gave him a complex. Now I feel bad for wanting to cut his nose off when he was so proud of his tiny lip weasel.

"Awwww, here. I'll shave ya, little fella."

“Awwww, here. I’ll shave ya, little fella.”

Look at the poor bastard. He probably needs to see a therapist because of us.

"Never mind. I'll do it myself. Just leave me alone."

“Never mind. I’ll do it myself. Just leave me alone.”

You know what? That’s bullshit. He knew he was coming to a shavedown. What did he think, that we were shaving each other’s fuzzy nutsacks? I don’t think so. It’s not even close to Scrotember yet.

"Haha, I'm the only one that isn't leaving here wounded. I can't believe they fell for that sappy BS. Suckers."

“Haha, I’m the only one that isn’t leaving here wounded. I can’t believe they fell for that sappy BS. Suckers.”

Yeah, I thought so. Look at that gloating peacock. Well, it looks like we might have a fight on our hands, because ALL MUST BLEED!!!

ALL MUST BLEED!!!

That’s some serious Matrix shit right there.

Facts

  1. No Mo Bros were hurt in this blog post. Yet.
  2. There’s a good chance that two of the five friends in this post will get cancer. It’s more than a 40% probability for Canadian men on average. That’s pretty scary.
  3. The incidences of prostate cancer in Canadian men have slightly declined since 2007.
  4. Movember Canada launched in 2007
  5. I’m trying to play off a coincidence as a correlation, but I have no proof.
  6. About twice a week I worry about getting cancer. Any cancer.
  7. I have a lot of guy friends. Some of them are going to die of prostate cancer, because they won’t catch it in time.
  8. I’m sick of people dying from this fucking disease, and while I realise that us raising some awareness and a few hundredthousand dollars (yay!) to put towards research isn’t going to solve the problem; it will help. It all helps.
  9. Me not raising any awareness or money doesn’t help anyone.

We will cure this dirty old disease, well if you’ve gots the poison I’ve gots the remedy,

Birdman

Nov 14

Whatcha Got In That Box, Pandora?

fromthedesk

 

I have wanted to write this post for awhile, but I am always afraid of how some things will be perceived, even though what I have been thinking about is a legitimate concept from the perspective of any relationship.

I like to mouth off to others about ‘leaning into the discomfort’ of things, so here I go.

I have these friends who have a more alternative lifestyle. They are hands down some of the coolest people I know.  They have very different ideas about what constitutes love and marriage.   They are not monogamous, nor do they encourage the other to be.  In fact, they encourage each other to explore all sexual interests without prejudice.  It is an interesting idea from a theoretical viewpoint.  How can people learn to love freely and openly without jealousy or anger?  If we take out the part about not being monogamous, this is still a very legitimate question for monogamous couples.   As a theory, not as an argument for polyamory and its derivatives, the ability to love unconditionally is something that we should want to seek, regardless of our sexual choices.

2285660013_f9667ee1cb

See? People have been getting their freak on since before Christ was a cowboy.

I understand that living as a non-monogamous couple does apparently have some boundaries.  From what I gather, if any person in the arrangement starts to have feelings, the arrangement is redefined.  Feelings always indicate that someone is personally interested in the outcome of something.  If any either of my friends become uncomfortable, with any part of the situation, the situation is removed.  This conceivably lowers the possibility of deceit between partners.  Some will argue that they could end up falling in love with someone else.  I would reply that that could happen regardless.  It’s a matter of personal choice as to whether or not you enter into a deceptive relationship with  another person.  I don’t accept the argument that things just happen.  Things happen because we ignore growing feelings and allow ourselves to be in vulnerable situations, not because you have sex with people other than your spouse.  This happens in marriages all the time, and the blame always falls to the outside relationship.  It is more accurate to say that people will sleep with other peoples spouses without permission, far more than they will with permission, so let’s not get too judge-y here.

tiger-woods-cheating-meme

What a cheeky monkey…

I imagine the technicalities of a non-monogamous relationship would bring up some interesting conversations.  I love that they can honestly and openly negotiate such a difficult arrangement.  I have so much respect for the amount of trust and love needed to understand the real nature of unconditional love. The closest most of us come is the way we feel about our children.  We love them like an extension of our own body, one that we would die to protect.  The love flows freely from one to the other with the perfect understanding of trust and love.  That is the ideal, of course, and some days we only get a moment of the ideal, and the remainder a fraction of what we glimpsed.  However, we do feel it most for our children.  Why is it so unnatural for some of us to be unguarded enough to be able to love and be loved, so freely?

When we have been hurt sufficiently and learn to rebound back with our self esteem intact, and our understanding has improved, we are able to open ourselves raw to another.  We commit fully to the experience of loving and being loved, and take the chance of unexpected suffering later on, in order to take fullest advantage of our good fortune now.  The emotional and spiritual gains we earn are worth the pain we undergo.  When we look at each other with nothing but love and acceptance, we will begin to create the best partner we would ever want, and in turn create a beautiful process of self-fulfillment that will continue every day after.

"I love you unconditionally. And is that a train?"

“I love you unconditionally. And is that a train?”

There are many variables that have to be in place before a relationship like this can occur: complete trust, self-acceptance, emotional maturity, courage, physical attractiveness, mutual respect, agreement on fundamental belief systems and finally a desire for both to WANT something different.  If ALL of those variables are not met, the theory falls apart in lots of ways, and an alternative relationship will not be successful.  At any point, if one partner wants it more than the other, renegotiation is required.

Non-monogamous relationships are a hard-sell for most couples because of all of the variables that aren’t being addressed in our monogamous relationships.

Perhaps people think it’s more polite to say what someone else wants to hear, rather than risk offending.  Ultimately, we can’t possibly know someone who pretends to like the things we like so we don’t get mad at them.   If we aren’t being truthful with our partners in every way, then we are denying our mates the opportunity to know us intimately as people.   Being honest takes out the guess work in relationships.  You have to agree to be kind and fair, of course, but there is no reason anyone should be angry at anyone else for being honest about something they were asked.

Awkward-couple

I have to be honest. I’ve always hated that hat. And you.

One of the first times The Birdman asked me out, he offered to take me ***bowling.  I almost said I would go, but I remembered that I didn’t want to go bowling.  I would have normally said I would love to go, and just lied about hating bowling.  Instead, I said I just didn’t like bowling.   I took the chance that he was grown up enough not to be angry that I didn’t like something he liked.  Guess what?  I WAS RIGHT.  The thing is, most of the time, it is okay to be honest.  If it’s not okay, that is a great thing to find out early in a relationship, so you can get the hell out when you see the crazy coming at you.   We have to have the emotional maturity, personal security and self-acceptance that we are not reduced to shreds every time someone doesn’t agree with us.  It’s a small example, but it’s not a small idea.  If you are not telling the truth about the things you love, and don’t love, you are only hurting yourself.  Also, pretending to love camping might cause you to be spending 3 weeks camping every summer for the next 25 years.  See if that makes you change your mind about transparency in relationships.

Some people might be angry that I blew open Pandora’s box, but I don’t really think that’s fair.  I am talking about real relationship issues that just happen to deal with friends who like to go to sex clubs.  If we remove the sexual deviation from the equation, it is a completely valid argument that you could have at a crowded party.  I’m not saying I agree with them.  It’s not an endorsement of any lifestyle over any other.  However it is a fascinating study of how people relate to each other in a very grown up way.  I am not afraid to talk about ideas, even if they make people uncomfortable.  I’m not sorry if my ideas sometimes upset people.  My ideas are for people who sometimes have ideas of their own.  Why don’t you leave YOUR ideas in the comments?

Mrs. B

***I have just been informed that I remember the bowling incident as I WISH it had happened, and not as it ACTUALLY happened.  Apparently, I DID make a half-assed agreement to bowl at some point in the future.  I remember not wanting to bowl, and that we didn’t go bowling, so I assumed I had told him I didn’t want to. Now that I think about it, I wasn’t very much into being truthful when I met him, so I can see the irony of the bowling ‘life lesson’.  Well played, Karma.  Well played.

Nov 12

The Shavedown – Part 2

MOBROS

So when we left off from Part 1, I was injured, but given a handful of first aid towel from the washroom to hold on the wound.

All right, the bleeding should stop soon. Who's next?

All right, the bleeding should stop soon. Who’s next?

I'm not backing out the door. Getting shaved by a drunk guy with a rusty razor seems awesome.

I’m not backing out the door. Getting shaved by a drunk guy with a rusty razor seems awesome.

He was totally backing out the door. Tweezle called him on it and shamed him into coming back in. I finished my shave while he was lathering up for his turn. It was hard to stand beside him and pretend I had shaved people before. Truth is, this was the first time I’d ever actually held a straight razor and I didn’t want him to be nervous.

I don't do things half assed.

This is probably as awesome as he suspected it would be.

Well, here goes. You have to learn somehow, right? I figured I’d trim up around his eyes first. Why else would you have shaving cream on your forehead? Continue reading

Nov 06

The Year I Got Drunk On Halloween

wpid-mindofbirdman.jpg

I know, that’s every year.

Remember how Gadget and Penny have a Halloween party every year? Remember how we always take all kinds of pictures? Not so much this year. Luckily Mrs. Stick was there to snap a few gooders so we can at least have a post. Thanks Mrs. Stick!

Apparently X marks the spot. Start digging, ladies.

She’s the one with the boobs.

You see, I got so drunk last year that I left with only one shoe and had my head hanging out the door for most of the ride home. This year I was going to be way more smarter than that. I had devised a surefire plan to not get so sick.

I would just drink shots.

Genius, right?

Sure, I would have a beer in hand to nurse on, but for the most part I would just do shots. Mostly because the people there force you to drink them, but also because I’m one of those people. The forcers.

Just during the “meetings” though. If you aren’t in a meeting nobody will force you to drink anything. Well, they might try it upstairs, but there are places for you to run. Downstairs is a different story. The bar is right beside the stairwell, so as soon as you go down there, you can’t get back up without doing a shot of everything on the bar. These rules are enforced by Tweezle, Gadget, and everyone else in the basement and there is absolutely no breaking the rules. Continue reading