Mar 25

The Grossest Idea I’ve Ever Had (On Here Anyhow)

 

You should seriously turn away here if you don’t enjoy funny stories about a man’s intimacies with [easyazon_link identifier=”B002YQR2Y0″ locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]farm animals[/easyazon_link], or if reading isn’t your strong suit, because there are no photos. Oh, okay, I’ll put photos in too, what the hell. Anyhow, this is Gadget’s prize for cheating and becoming the 50th subscriber. It will be a masterpiece as soon as I research some romance novel [easyazon_link identifier=”B0186KV112″ locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]sex scenes[/easyazon_link] and the physical possibilities of pigs and humans having relations with each other.

The Dark Night in the Barn

“Why did I decide this would be a good day to try selling [easyazon_link identifier=”B00AZBIZTW” locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]vacuums[/easyazon_link] to [easyazon_link identifier=”B00T1ZNY7Q” locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]farmer’s wives[/easyazon_link]?” Gadget asked himself as he limped his shiny Ford van down the gravel road. “And why didn’t I put the spare back, after we took it out to smuggle booze into the drive-in?”

He was angry with himself. He was an idiot.

As he crested the knoll, he saw a lone farm in the distance.

‘They would have a [easyazon_link identifier=”B000ET525K” locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]plug kit[/easyazon_link] or something there, I’m sure.’  He thought

As he pulled into the drive, he saw a man in the yard, and he was talking to a beautiful young lady in tight beige [easyazon_link identifier=”B00DLVB4CS” locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]riding pants[/easyazon_link], and an equally tight [easyazon_link identifier=”B00EFCBL0M” locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]long sleeved t-shirt[/easyazon_link].

He stopped to stare. He didn’t even notice the farmer watching him as he started to rub his modest erection, while drool dripped onto his shirt. He had never seen such a perfect, tight body on a human. He wanted to have her. Had to have her.

By then the farmer had walked up to the window and asked, “What the fuck is wrong with you, son? That’s my daughter, and she’s only eighteen years old.”

Gadget shook his head and cleared the fog. Had her father seen him rubbing his crotch? He sure hoped he hadn’t.

“I uh, don’t, ummm, she’s so beautiful. I’m sorry, it’s just that I’ve been married for most of my life, and well…”

“Son, you don’t have to tell me. Her Mama is inside, and when you meet her, you’ll see why I go and park across from the high school every Thursday at lunch time. The thing is, that that’s my daughter, and it’s different when it’s the fruit of your loins.”

Gadget understood. He wanted to “high five” the old guy, but that seemed like the wrong thing to do, so he just mentioned that he needed to get his tire fixed and that he wouldn’t mind using the facilities. Continue reading

Mar 15

Therapy Thursday

Dear Birdman: I’ve been married for 12 years, and I came home the other day to find some pornography on the computer screen, and my husband frantically trying to shut down different tabs and windows. The image that I saw was a little person and a man with what had to be a 14″ long penis penetrating her from a distance. The poor girl looked like a Haagen-Dazs bar with the chocolate licked off. As I winced in pain, the final window was closed and then he denied that there was any pornography on his computer at all. 

Birdman, I know what I saw, and I can’t say that I wasn’t turned on a little, but we haven’t had sex in months, and I think this is why. What can I do to make him want me again? Is there a shortening operation that I can get? I just want to be wanted, so please help.

Too Tall in Toronto Continue reading

Mar 07

Kirk Fucking Cameron

It’s true, I’m a bit of an asshole

Jesus H Christ, where the hell did he come from all of a sudden. My friend Emmy posted a video on Facebook that I just couldn’t watch all at once. I made it to the part where he said that marriage was defined by God as “One man, one woman for life till death do you part.” He went on to finish with “So do I support the idea of gay marriage? No, I don’t.”

Holy fuck. Where do I even begin with that?

I’m not even talking about what he does or doesn’t support. I don’t give two shits what Kirk Cameron supports. I didn’t even know he was “a thing” anymore. What pissed me off the most was when he said that marriage was defined by God as one man and one woman.

So what’s the deal then, God gets to just change the rules, but no one else can? All of the chosen people had several wives, and they were fully endorsed by God. So what is it Kirk? Are we going to literally translate the bible now? If we are, then you need to explain a few things to everyone. First of all, how did we all get here from one man(Adam) and his wife(Eve)? We know that they had a couple of kids, and one killed the other, so that leaves two dudes and a chick. Hey, that’s a good way to start out a porno, but that’s her son. Gross. So where did all of the people come from? It says that Cain all of a sudden acquired himself a wife, but from where? I have read the old testament, but don’t remember that being explained to me.

Fucking hillbillies. This isn’t Kentucky you know?

There are a few other things that I’m wondering about, that I hope you can help me with.

19: And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even.
20: And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean.
21: And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.
22: And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.
23: And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even.
24: And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean.

I want to make sure you haven’t came in contact with your wife while she was menstruating, because if you have, you had better get to repenting, you unclean prick.

27:Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

I noticed that you are clean shaven. I’m going to overlook it this time, but if I find out you’ve shaved again, I will smite you down with my rod.

The list goes on and on, and while I want to go toe to toe with you on this bullshit, I am afraid it will turn me more like you. You know, closed minded, obtuse, assholish. I have been trying for years to improve myself, and when people like you speak, it sets me back months. All I feel is rage and anger towards people who feel so self righteous that they will tell others that they aren’t living their lives properly or justly.

So fuck you, you judgy cunt. Go back under your rock, and see if you can pick up some more prehistoric views on the world. You should also try to diminish some more people for their views and actions, especially seeing as they aren’t hurting anyone with all of their love and peace.

Where’s all of your love? In your big church? I prefer for real people to see mine, not some fictitious character from a fable written before Christ was a cowboy. I want to know why you would have a problem with two people who love each other getting married, and who gave you an opinion on who is right and who is wrong anyhow? I thought that was for your God to decide. If he does exist, and he has a problem with it, then he and his cronies can dole out the punishment on their own time. You can use your time on earth to relax and enjoy some of the money that your ministry is making. With all of the different cash generators that you have under your umbrella, you and Ray must have it made in the shade.

Oh right, I forgot that you spent a shitload of money republishing The Origin Of Species in an abridged format, and distributed them to schools. Real classy. Go after the children and mouldable teenagers. Nice that you left out four chapters and added an introduction slamming Darwin’s life and work as well. Hey, why argue with fact, when you can just erase it and not have to deal with all of those “questions” that keep coming up.

To my Christian friends, this is not a slight towards you, because you have never gotten publicly cunty about how awesome Jesus and the bible are. Not in front of me anyhow. I just get angry sometimes, and then I rant. I’m sorry if I offended you by mocking your beliefs openly, and not showing you the respect you deserve.

Who am I kidding? Why would any of my Christian friends be reading this?

Michael row the boat ashore, Hallelujah,

Birdman

Feb 06

Tabarnak!

Well, it’s time to show a few of the photos from my meeting with Sebastard. He gets to be a bit of an asshole after a few beer, and I guess I might get a little yappy as well, so our little get togethers sometimes end up in a bit of a set-to. This night was no different, but because we are grown men, we let bygones be bygones, and are quite amicable by morning. They say that a picture is worth a thousand words, so I guess that this will be sufficient for today.

(Hmmmm, I wonder where my good friend is?)

(Do I have time to order pizza? I shouldn’t drink on an empty stomach)

Continue reading

Jan 29

Mama I’m coming home

Yes, I am on a flight from Edmonton to Toronto as we speak. I guess we aren’t speaking. What I mean to say is that I’m on a flight as I write this. I’ve practically given up now; Lannie would be horrified. I’m wearing a pair of [easyazon_link identifier=”B016N6KVCG” locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]black track pants[/easyazon_link], [easyazon_link identifier=”B00IYBC7C6″ locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]sneakers[/easyazon_link], and [easyazon_link identifier=”B00W37E0XG” locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]wrinkly red shirt[/easyazon_link]. I truly look like a bag of smashed assholes, but I’ve got a big silly smile on my face, and a song in my heart. I tried making fun of the cheap looking tape job on the wing, but Nervous Nellie beside me didn’t enjoy those types of jokes. Ah well, I need to get this post written, so I can do some proper cocooning when I get home.

If you need to know what the song in my heart is, it’s [easyazon_link identifier=”B0051YDUHU” locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]Mr. Crowley[/easyazon_link], and not [easyazon_link identifier=”B00137MH00″ locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]Mama I’m coming home[/easyazon_link]. I’ve had Mr. Crowley in my head for days now. As I sit here crammed into this tin can with all of the other sheep, writing a blog post on my phone, I want to yell out “MR. CROWLEY, (dun dun dun)”, in my best possible Ozzy voice. Oh, I have one pal. I’ve been practicing it’s sweet enchantment for damn near a week. I’d like to say I’m ready to front [easyazon_link identifier=”B018VEE4HQ” locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]Black Sabbath[/easyazon_link] now, but all I’ve practiced is the opening line. Start imagining me singing that loudly over and over again in the cab of a [easyazon_link identifier=”B00ONMY7KU” locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]Kenworth[/easyazon_link]. I know, you’re pretty jealous, and who could blame you, really?

I just watched the Air Canada flight safety video, and I gotta admit that I built a small pup tent when the seatbelt part came on. There’s a cougar in [easyazon_link identifier=”B00JVWPALW” locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]tight brown slacks[/easyazon_link], and it gives a close up of her fastening the seatbelt. Mmmmmm, tight brown slacks. Then they go to another coug helping her daughter do some shit or something, and she’s got a damn fine rack on her. I would have went and rubbed one out, but the seatbelt sign was on, and I didn’t want to poke anyone’s eye out.

Now I remember the angst of track pants.

Yeah, I wish that was mine.

“Chris, can you please come to the front of the class, and write your answer on the board?”

“Ummm, no, I’m okay thanks.”

” I didn’t ask you how you were, I asked you to write your answer on the board.”

“Listen bitch, I just thought of squeezing Jen’s boobs, and I’m wearing [easyazon_link identifier=”B00QJEYMB4″ locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]light gray track pants[/easyazon_link]. You think you could cut me a bit of slack today?”

You are probably guessing that I didn’t say those exact words to the teacher. Well, you would be right. It went more like this: I jumped up with my hand over my pecker, kind of hunched myself over, and ran out of the room yelling “I need to use the washroom.”
I then went to the can and whipped that thing like a [easyazon_link identifier=”1477808604″ locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]rented mule[/easyazon_link] for embarrassing me. I then started thinking up my excuse to give the biggest ball busting teacher in the school.

I guess I could just tell the truth. She’s probably got kids, and it’s not like I pulled it out in class and had a go at it. It’s perfectly natural to get these feelings as a preteen boy, right? Yeah, that’s right, I’m going to wait for the bell and tell her what really happened.

So I waited, and about fifteen long minutes later, I walked to her classroom to explain myself.

“Ummm, Mrs. M——? I’m sorry for running out of your class.”

“Yes, I was waiting for you to explain yourself. Well, go ahead.”

“Well, I ahhh, sort of had an accident, and peed my pants a little bit. I was trying to dry them in the washroom so the other kids wouldn’t see, and tease me.”

Come on, you didn’t really think I’d tell that old dried up piece of boot leather that I had a tiny hard on, do you?

“Oh you poor dear. Why on earth would you hold it so long? You know that you can use the washroom whenever you need to go.”

“I know, but I didn’t know I had to go right then.”

“Why not? Did you hurt your penis or something?”

There’s my out.

“Well, I fell on my crossbar, and it hurt, but I think it’s okay.”

“It mustn’t be, or else you would know when to go to the washroom. Has your mother taken you to the doctor?”

“Ummm, no, I didn’t tell her about it. I will tonight. I’m sure it will be okay.”

“You can’t tell; it could be nerve damage. You need to get it checked out.”

“I promise I will. I’ll tell my mom tonight.”

“Okay, but make sure you do. That’s not something to take lightly.”

Whew, disaster averted, and I learned her weakness. This will truly prove useful in a future post, because I don’t know if I told you this before, but I was kind of a bad kid.

[easyazon_link identifier=”B001KQGBLA” locale=”US” nw=”y” nf=”y” tag=”granligh-20″ cart=”n” cloak=”y” localize=”y” popups=”y”]Keep on chooglin[/easyazon_link]’,

Birdman