Aug 23

Therapy Thursday

Dear TT: How do you tell someone nicely that they are being a whiny ass? I really couldn’t give a shit if this person remains in my life, but because of mutual friends, that they are family with, I feel like I need to keep the peace. However, for this to happen, I would like to address the fact that they are a huge douchecanoe, and hopefully help them become tolerable.
Sincerely, 
Not perfect – But close!

Dear Not Perfect: I would just let them have it. They really do need to know. It’s better if you can push them down on the ground first, just for intimidation sake. You then stand over them and kick them while you yell completely insane shit that no one else can understand. It can’t make any sense at all, kind of like religion, and then when you feel redeemed and that they have taken enough abuse, you pretend to snap out of it and come to your senses. You say that the Lord just came into your heart,and told you to quit hurting that person. You then reach down to help them up and whisper to them “If you ever whine again, I will cut your fucking heart out and eat it.” Continue reading

Aug 22

Old Tweeters From Smarty

You realize that this means there will be some offensive shit in here, right? Just making sure you know.

I was looking at the Twitter today, and noticed that the old Smarty account had been hacked. Then I realized that I don’t even remember what email or password I used back then. I guess huffing all of that WD-40 wasn’t as good of an idea as I had thought.
You can say what you want about huffing, but it led to the invention of these tweets, so take that with a grain of salt, you can also take a shot of tequila with a grain of salt, but I recommend that you don’t snort it.
Now, here we go with the first batch of twits, tweeters, or tweets (whatever you call them)
  • I like the term “disturbing sex assault”. What’s a non disturbing sex assault like? Does it involve kissing and foreplay?
  • I wonder if Tim Hortons formulates their breakfast sandwiches to produce explosive farts, or if they just lucked out on it.
  • Sometimes when I’m tired, I seem very angry. It’s because I am.
  • Some days, I wish Chad Kroeger would soothe his raspy throat with a load of semen. Then choke on it. Soulless bastard.
  • Is Patio Lanterns a slow song, or a fast song? Damn you Kim Mitchell, for adding to my teen angst.
  • How many people have had sex with a bag lady in a fridge box? Really? Just me? Wow, I would have thought Ferg had for sure.
  • They’re coming home as you are waking up, easier for them to make you breakfast and chop you up a line#reasonslotlizardsmakegoodgirlfriends

Just why the fuck not? How else are you going to get a $20 blow job in a truckstop?

 

Aug 01

Okay, I’ll Bite. (Into A Juicy Chick-fil-A Sandwich)

There, I said it. I would eat a Chick-fil-A sandwich, just on principle.Wait, let me state my case before you get all crazy on me, you buncha homo lovers.

From the info I’ve pulled off of Wikipedia, Chick-fil-A started a charity in 1984 called the WinShape Foundation, which has a sister foundation called Lifeshape. Now the WinShape Foundation, from what I can tell, gives money to Eagle Forum, Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Marriage and Family Legacy Fund, Family Research Council, Exodus International, and Focus On The Family. They also have some sort of affiliation with the Pennsylvania Family Institute.

Now most of you know my feelings about religion and the folks who spout it, so you would think that I would be all over these people, but how is that any different than them trying to silence me? The thing is that my stance on freedom of speech overrules that. Just like I’m free to say what I want about religion, sex, and whatever other bullshit that I’m spewing, they are free to believe what they want and say it as loud as they want. Well, as long as there’s not a curfew where they are. No one is allowed to just be screaming their head off all night. Lights out at eleven, peeps.

Yes, even for them.

Continue reading

Jul 26

Therapy Thursday

Dear Therapy Thursday:

I married a Republican.

I know, I know!! But I swear to god, it sounded like a good idea at the time! He was really smart, hysterically funny, super hot, AND my family loved him. (Oddly, since they are all RABID Democrats.) And I thought, “Hey, I’m undeclared anyway, since I’m both ultra liberal (socially), and ultra conservative (fiscally). It’ll be OK.”

And it mostly has been.  But here we are, a period of time later (yes, *I* know how long we’ve been married. That was a direct quote.) And he still does not know that starting a discussion about how awful it was for Obama to declare his support of birth control to a high school auditorium is probably not a good idea 5 minutes before bedtime. Of course, it degenerated into a big argument (which, I suspect, consisted of both of us arguing completely different issues from each other).  And, since I am now WIDE awake, and you’re desperate for Therapy Thursday victims, I thought I’d help you out. ‘Cause that’s how I roll.

So, I need suggestions on how to communicate better with someone when you’re on completely opposite ends of the spectrum (clearly, my policy of avoidance is not working out well).

Ready To Murder Mitt Continue reading

May 28

Praise Jesus

Quite a bit of cursing in this one. Just saying. Or is it jus’ sayin’? Oh fuck, who really cares, anyhow?

So, for those of you that don’t follow comic books, let me fill you in on something…

I don’t follow comic books either.

I do follow stupid shit though, so when I saw this on a friend’s Facebook wall, I had to investigate.

Tabar-fucking-nak

Yes, I was informed that the white dude in the left-hand picture is an openly gay, Quebecois superhero from the X-Men comic books. What in the fuck is this world coming to? Do you seriously think that children need to be exposed to this sort of abomination? It’s bad enough that they have to see these freaks on television, in our hockey games, or in our makeshift military, but now we have to see them in our comic books as well. They have even taken over Las Vegas, mincing about in their colourful costumes, and their tight leotards. I remember when Vegas was reserved for real men, like Old Blue Eyes, Sammy Davis Jr. and Deano. Jesus Christ, they’d be rolling in their graves right now if they could see the shit that’s going on in the world. Continue reading