Aug 22

Is Everybody Fucked?

wpid-mindofbirdman.jpg

You can take that question in a few different directions.

I look at the American elections, cringe, and ask myself if everybody is fucked in the head.

On one hand, you have a lying, orange, narcissist who absolutely cannot be trusted with the future of the country, but possibly will be, because of the other hand.

Over there sits a corrupt, lying, deceiver who also cannot be trusted with the future of the country.

I wish you had a third hand, America. You could put Jill Stein in it. I think Bernie Sanders would have been better, but he sold out and backed his party’s shitheel candidate. I think that Jill Stein is a better choice than either of the other two, but we all know that she hasn’t got a hope in hell of becoming the Chief Cook and Bottle Washer of that once great, and hopefully great once again, nation.

She just doesn’t have the backing of big business, or really anybody, other than some regular people who are fed up with all of the shit going on down there.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just the States that are dealing with this shit, it’s just that they are in the limelight at the moment. We have our own highly corrupt bunch of talking suits here, as does almost every other “civilised” country on this once great planet, but right now, this buffonery is taking centre stage.

I really hope that something happens with the collective consciousness down there, and that somehow you can turn this shitshow around, because as your most Anglicized neighbours, we really want to be able to look to you for hope.

Hope to destroy the TPP, race wars, religious control of politicians, and all other forms of greed and corruption at all levels of government.

We would also like to see what freedom looks like again. We hope you can show us.

Which brings up another possible interpretation of the question:

Are we all fucked now? Is there any hope that the world will ever know peace? Is there a chance that we will ever be able to rid ourselves of the holier than thou image that most religions put in our heads?

I’m better than you, because my Bible tells me that I’m going to heaven. (Unless my god really can see inside my head, or what I did in Vegas last year.) All Muslims are filthy terrorists. Jews are trying to take over the world’s finances, and don’t even get me started on the gays. Why can’t they just go live on an island or stay in their closets? They’re an abomination in the eyes of the Lord.

To get the Muslim point of view, replace Bible with Quran, Muslims with Christians, terrorists with infidels, and the Lord with Allah.

You get the point.

Anyhow, I’m going to just keep building the chicken coop, tending to the worm farms and gardens, cuddling in with my baby at night, and hoping we wake up on Lasqueti Island.

It’s harder for The Man to find you there.

Peace

Feb 29

God Is Great, Grief Is Good, And Injuns Are Crazy

Originally published December 17th, 2012

mindofbirdman

I’ve had a lot of things on my mind since last week. Newtown was one of them.

Yep, I’m taking the cheap post. I told myself that I wasn’t going to glorify it by even mentioning the occurrence, but it won’t leave me alone, so here we are.

The day after the killing, a friend of mine put this photo up on Facebook with the note: “Well said.”

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This was all it took. Hey, I’m not saying I don’t have issues.

Yep, that was all it was. I really like the guy, too, but at that moment I was just sickened by this shitty message. I didn’t even think about it. I copied it, then pasted it into the blog’s page with a caption about how disgusted I was with it. I then went and deleted him as a friend, because I couldn’t believe he would be so callous as to put this up after such a horrible tragedy. I’m a huge advocate of “If you don’t like me, delete me”, as opposed to I’m going to tell you how wrong you are, because you don’t share my views. Continue reading

Feb 27

It’s Not All About Religion (But It Kind Of Is)

Birdman

As I was scrolling through Google+ this morning I saw some posts by women that are supporting Donald Trump.

That’s the punchline, folks

I can understand the ignorant, white trash, racist males, and possibly the mentally challenged, but I just thought that ladies were brighter than that.

I really wish that everyone was smarter than guacamole, but if we were, people like that would never have had the opportunity to make it into a political party, let alone lead the polls. I am not sure what led to the overall dumbing down of our society, but whatever it is, it needs to change.

I look at people like Sarah and Bristol Palin, who a lot of women seem to genuinely look up to, and I wonder how that came about. It truly shocks me when I think about it.

Take Bristol, for instance. She had a baby out of wedlock, while the whole Palin clan preached family values and the Bible. After the baby was born, she split up with Levi Johnson and became a spokesperson for abstinence. Now she has had another baby out of wedlock and split up with the father of that one as well.

Two babies with two different daddies while preaching the bible and abstinence to the masses should not be a catalyst to fame and fortune via book deals, movie deals, and speaking engagements. She is getting between $15000-$30000 per speaking engagement and I believe $262000 for her work at Candie’s Foundation. None of this is counting her blogging, TV and movie earnings, book deals, or the $380 she made from selling weed behind the Qwikee Mart.1)That last part is a joke that started as her giving handjobs, but I figured I should change it to something that is less likely, in case of a lawsuit, you see.

I guess I am getting off topic.

What it is that women are looking for in their life?

It seems possible that they like oppression, misogyny, and lower wages. At least some of them do. How else can you explain women that vote Republican, and moreover, women who vote Trump?

I’m not saying that men should vote for him either, but at least men have a bit more to gain in the end. Not that I think any actual people would benefit from Trump being the President, but if anyone will, the large majority of them will be men.

Which brings me to religion and how it is still brainwashing women into believing that men are the stronger, smarter, more dominant sex.

2)I know that this book is written from a Christian standpoint, but I think that the fact he condemns the horrible treatment of women in the name of any religion a giant leap, plus he left the Southern Baptist Convention because they outlawed any women holding title in the organisation. His wife and himself had been members since their birth, I believe.

You can’t tell me that the societal norms of today aren’t directly affected by the Bible. I believe that given an equal playing field, women would dominate men in almost every aspect of life. I know that we will still take the blue ribbon in pissing contests (distance only) and maybe any food eating contest, because who would think that eating 69 hot dogs is a good idea, other than a man?

No, I am quite certain that the Bible was written to keep certain demographics in a desired place in the hierarchy, and unless you were one of god’s chosen men, or the mother of little baby Jesus, you were destined to be ruled by another.

What kind of god would want only some of his children to profit off the backs of the others?

Women, get your heads out of your asses and live up to your potential.

Anyhow, that’s how I feel about that.

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. That last part is a joke that started as her giving handjobs, but I figured I should change it to something that is less likely, in case of a lawsuit, you see.
2. I know that this book is written from a Christian standpoint, but I think that the fact he condemns the horrible treatment of women in the name of any religion a giant leap, plus he left the Southern Baptist Convention because they outlawed any women holding title in the organisation. His wife and himself had been members since their birth, I believe.
May 05

Furry Fandom?

birdmandesk

So I went back and read the old post, How To Properly Shag A Sheep today. I still get a kick out of it, and the fact that roughly thirty people a day, every day read that post.

It’s the sole reason that some ad companies keep sending me emails. I hadn’t written in a year, but still consistently got over a thousand hits a month from all sorts of people.

Sadly, a lot of them got there by searching for phrases like, but not limited to:

  • how to fuck sheep
  • can man fuck sheep
  • sheep vagina
  • sex with sheep

When I got to the end of the post, I noticed a bunch of comments that I hadn’t seen before. One of them, I found kind of odd and disturbing.

kobidobi

Needless to say, I responded in anger at someone who is into zoophilia calling me wicked for being froward.1)adjective 1. (of a person) difficult to deal with; contrary. *I had to look it up.* I’m still trying to figure out what any of this has to do with the Lannisters.

So anyhow, I was on this pinhead’s profile and saw a bunch of posts and videos about people dressed as stuffed animals, and while I stared at the sheer volume of them, Mrs. B came to kiss me good night. I asked her to look at it and she said, “Yeah, they’re furries. It’s a real thing.”

I, of course, had to look into it. It’s real, with conventions and everything else. People have costumes that can cost more than $10000 and some of them have sex with the costumes on. Crazy, huh? I mean, I could understand it if they were Wookies or Storm Troopers, because everybody does that. Right?

Of course I’m kidding. I don’t care who you choose to have sex with, as long as they are into it too. Dress up as Toto, and have your partner be Dorothy for all I care. Hump the living shit out of her leg and leave a stain on the ruby slippers. Fly your freak flag high and proud, I say.

Do not have sex with real animals.

I know, I shouldn’t have to tell you that, but obviously it needs to be said. Go and look at the thread with the idiot and I. He seems to think that it’s okay to have sex with whatever you want, which brings me back to the furries.

the survey was replicated in 2008, and it found 17% of respondents reported zoophilia. The older lower results, which are even lower than estimated in the general population, were due to the methodology of questioning respondents face-to-face which led to social desirability bias.

That’s from the Furry Fandom Wikipedia page.

What the fuck is wrong with people? I know that Blue loves me more than probably anything2)with the exception of eating garbage and smelling things, but I’m certain that he does not want me to fuck him.

I’m absolutely sure of it.

I’ve had lots of female dogs over the years, and many had been in heat, but not once did any of them lift her tail and puff up her vagina to lure me in. Not one time.

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t fuck her even if she was asking for it in concise English. I am not into it, but that’s just me. Call me a prude.

This kobidobidog seems to be okay with it though. Unless he’s a troll, but I don’t think so. There’s too much evidence of him being really into it.

So there it is. I’m going to let the dog out for a pee, and go curl up with my sweet mama. She’s been waiting for several hours.

Word to your moms,

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. adjective 1. (of a person) difficult to deal with; contrary. *I had to look it up.*
2. with the exception of eating garbage and smelling things
May 01

I’ve Made The Switch

birdmandesk

I just watched the movie God’s Not Dead. It’s a Christian drama that has made me rethink my agnostic views. I know, I didn’t think it was possible for me to change my mind either, especially seeing how stubborn and strong minded I am, but it happened.

The performances of Dean Cain, Kevin Sorbo, and whoever that little puke is that portrayed Josh, along with the writing have completely swung my vote. Congratulations to all of you.

I am now a full blown, born again atheist.

That’s right, this movie was so bad that it made me sure that not only is there no God, but no omnipotent entity that is watching over us at all.

If there was, everyone involved in the making and distribution of this film would be dead1)At least maimed. right now. I question whether the Nazi propaganda was this poorly written and unbelievable during the war. I don’t think that it could be.

But Birdman, you didn’t believe in God before, why do you say “born again”?

Well, I was an atheist for probably twenty years, and then when I was about 29 I was having a discussion about religion with a very well read and well spoken fellow that posed the question, “Are you that arrogant that you can say with certainty that God doesn’t exist?”

I thought about it for a bit and decided that it was pretty shitty for me to shoot down their beliefs due to lack of proof, when I really had no proof that their god didn’t exist. I thought that being agnostic made me more tolerant to other people’s insane religions, and therefore making me a better person than the religious zealots.

Well, I am that shitty and arrogant now. Thanks, Kevin Sorbo. You fucking hack.

After watching his over the top performance as the atheist professor with the monumental slip-up, I went to the local pawn shop and bought a $4 DVD set of those low budget Hercules shows that he was in and burnt them on the front steps of the church.

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The aroma was pleasing to the lord.

The Dean Cain atheist character was probably worse, but didn’t get as much air time as fucking Herc, so I hated him a little bit less. I think that when his atheist girlfriend got cancer and he scolded, belittled, and then dumped her, that we were supposed to seethe and spit fire at how callous those atheists are.

I was too busy laughing at how preposterous the whole scene was. Luckily there was a Christian pop band there to pray for her cancer to go away, so I’m sure she’s fine now.

I guess my favourite part of the movie is at 1:392)Yes, it is that long, and yes, it feels more like seven hours. when Hercules got hit by a car in front of a couple of pastors at the end. The driver sped off and the African holy man immediately touches Herc on the stomach with four fingertips and proclaimed that his ribs were crushed and his lungs were filling with blood.

Wow. This dude is wasting his talents as a triage medic. You couldn’t even hear a gurgle when he spoke to the minister guy about not knowing Jesus, but sure enough, he died right after that guy said he didn’t have long.

Thankfully he accepted Jesus as his saviour in his final throes. Vaya con dios, young Sorbo. You died blood free and with a heart full of light. Not that it is going to help you.

You know, because he is dead. Drowned on his own blood. It silently filled his lungs, but due to Jesus or something, none of it came out his windpipe as he gasped and talked while lying on his back.  I think what made it funnier for me was when I read this on IMDB:

When commenting on the final scene with Kevin Sorbo’s character, producers of the film stated “we felt like we did a good thing. There was a sense of completion and warmth as the principle actors and extras looked over his dead, atheist body. In full Christian spirit, He did away with evil. Really a very beautiful thing. He’s not dead.”

Wow. That’s fucked up. What’s more fucked up is that the movie has a critic approval rating of about 16 at Metacritic and 17% at Rotten Tomatoes, and it still managed to gross more than 67 million. I think I’m going to write a movie about how awesome atheism is, and we’ll see what actors I can get. They will have to be better than the tripe I saw in this movie.

Now, can anyone front us a couple mill to get this show on the road?

Birdman

P.S. That douchebag from Duck Dynasty has some cameos in this too. That should keep you guessing.

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. At least maimed.
2. Yes, it is that long, and yes, it feels more like seven hours.