Aug 02

Therapy Thursday

Therapy Thursday People,

I have a problem, as most of us do, and my problem I need help with from You, Smarty and the Mrs, is this. Why can’t people keep their mouths shut about private matters when it is disclosed to them in the friendship confidentiality code? I’m not talking about whispering a few things to your significant other, keeping them in the loop about certain things that happen in a healthy friend loop. I’m talking about when you tell a friend, in confidence, an embarrassing thing that is going on in your life, and they just tell anyone that will listen. I just don’t get it and I’m almost to the point where I don’t need people like that as friends anymore! Please help me understand why these fuckers do this, because it’s accumulating into HUGE snowballs of grief and heartache for me! It’s hard when you can’t trust your friends.

Companion Catharsis

Dear Companion,

I feel your pain. We have all been the subject of unwelcome scrutiny in our public (or private) lives, and no one likes to feel the tractor beam of interest fall on them when it’s a matter we’d rather leave private. Continue reading

Jul 31

Rambling Man

So I may be doing a review on a website that I probably shouldn’t name right now. I’m not sure, but I think it’s supposed to help you keep track of your social media and everything. I’m waiting to hear back about it, but I think that they may just be trying to get me curious to make me want to buy it. The sad thing is that it’s working. As I sit here waiting to hear my email go off, I’m eagerly awaiting some correspondence with the company. I gave them a price, but really, I’d probably do it for the free membership. I hope they are hagglers, and didn’t discount me for the high quote, because if it works well, and helps me better manage my blog, I’ll pimp the shit out of their product.

Oh the sadness of it all. The reason I asked for the cash is because it’s a product to up your SEO, and as much as I’d like more clicks, I would rather not be labelled as a douche because of it. That’s why it would be cool to get paid to use their product. Then I wouldn’t have to feel like such a piece of shit for going against my morals. I wouldn’t look like a huge asshole if it was a review of a product, would I?

I love trying to manipulate people into believing what I want them to believe. It’s kind of amazing how it works. Unfortunately my readers ( you), are too smart for that bullshit. I wish I was a redneck comedian or something like that, because they can tell their audience pretty much anything, and they believe it. I mean seriously, people are driving around with “Git-R-Done!” written all over their fucking vehicles, and they are yelling out, “Here’s your sign” whenever someone makes a mistake.

Sometimes people drink Lysol and Coke.

Continue reading

Jul 26

Therapy Thursday

Dear Therapy Thursday:

I married a Republican.

I know, I know!! But I swear to god, it sounded like a good idea at the time! He was really smart, hysterically funny, super hot, AND my family loved him. (Oddly, since they are all RABID Democrats.) And I thought, “Hey, I’m undeclared anyway, since I’m both ultra liberal (socially), and ultra conservative (fiscally). It’ll be OK.”

And it mostly has been.  But here we are, a period of time later (yes, *I* know how long we’ve been married. That was a direct quote.) And he still does not know that starting a discussion about how awful it was for Obama to declare his support of birth control to a high school auditorium is probably not a good idea 5 minutes before bedtime. Of course, it degenerated into a big argument (which, I suspect, consisted of both of us arguing completely different issues from each other).  And, since I am now WIDE awake, and you’re desperate for Therapy Thursday victims, I thought I’d help you out. ‘Cause that’s how I roll.

So, I need suggestions on how to communicate better with someone when you’re on completely opposite ends of the spectrum (clearly, my policy of avoidance is not working out well).

Ready To Murder Mitt Continue reading

Jul 24

Out Of Focus

That’s a double entendre.

I’ve been trying to come up with a decent post about my beautiful new bride, and how much I admire her. The thoughts were there, but the catalyst was missing. Well, I guess catalyst isn’t exactly the right word, but I thought it would make me sound a little bit smarter. Good luck with that, right? Maybe vehicle would be the proper term I should use, but no, that’s probably not right either. Oh bother , let’s just never mind and get on with the story.

Okay, I got to be the assistant for a wedding this weekend. This was my first time ever being a real assistant for a real wedding, so it was pretty exciting. The other cool thing was that I knew a few people there, and I got to use a camera. Seriously.

After a crash course in using a pro camera, I was sent forth to catch the “B” game. I believe that just means snapping all kinds of pictures behind the scenes, and hoping you get one that is usable. I only say that because Mrs. B said to me as I was looking woefully inadequate with my new tool, “You can’t screw anything up. It doesn’t matter if you even get one photo, you’re just there as the “B” game so don’t worry about it.” Continue reading

Jul 17

When You Wish Upon A Star

This is a flash fiction story that I wrote for Dude Write and their contest Flashier Than You. This is my first foray into flash fiction. I really don’t do much fiction writing at all, unless you count the bestiality story for Gadget.

Anyhow, this is the story. Hopefully I will get better at writing these things with practice.

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If you told me two weeks ago that I’d be lying here, staring at the stars on this cool March night, I’d have said you were loopy. Our yard is nothing but a slushy mess this time of year, and it’s supposed to go down to -9C tonight, or so the weatherman says.

Man, that was some dance.

I have never been so taken with a girl, ever. She is the definition of grace, with just enough fun and self loathing to make her like me for who I am. I didn’t have to pretend with her, like I do with other girls, which was refreshing. I don’t know why we always have to put on a different face when we meet new people, but after tonight I’m not doing that again.

She was so pretty. I’m sorry, but I can’t quit thinking of how her smile brightened her eyes, which gave her an ethereal glow. Kind of like when you go by someone’s house late at night and you can see that they have the TV on. There is just a glow around, and in front of it, but the rest of the room is dark and shadowy. It’s not that I’m looking in windows all the time, but sometimes you just notice things when you are walking at night.

Tonight when I was walking home, I felt completely happy. All of my loneliness was gone and I was smiling the whole way. Even when I got here and realized that I didn’t have my house key. It’s amazing how talking to a really sweet girl for a couple of hours can take you from cutting yourself and wishing you would just die, to not being able to wait to get a haircut, find a job, and ask her out on a date.

I find it hard to believe I had ever had those thoughts before. What could have been so bad? My parents were good people. They never beat me or treated me unkind. I just don’t understand how I could have ever thought about suicide or even the cutting.

Cutting is so stupid. It had almost become a habit instead of a necessity. I thought I was just supposed to do it. She didn’t care though. She saw the scars. Touched the scars. She looked sad that I was hurting. I never want to make her feel sad again. Ever.

I probably will though. The ice is starting to crust around me, and I think my back is broken. All I can seem to do is blink… and think. Think about her.

I’ve climbed through this window a hundred times before, but I guess I won’t be climbing through it again.