Feb 14

Who’s The Lucky Boy?

mindofbirdman

I have, for the most part, been with women that have great senses of humour. Generally speaking, they are the only ones who know how to take me. You see, I am a bit of a smart-ass and I don’t usually care what people think, so that sometimes makes for unpredictable dinner conversations. If you are stuffy and are worried about what your date will say, in front of people, I’m probably not your guy. I’ve been with a few ladies that thought they could clean me up and change me into some sort of man that suited their lives, but they couldn’t. I told them that from the start, they just didn’t believe me.

“Why did you have to make that joke about my parents having sex… right to them?”

“I’m betting they still have sex. Look at the way he looks at her. He’s totally diggin’ that ass. When did you become such a prude, anyhow?”

“Ugh, when are you going to quit saying shit like that?”

“I’m not. Why would you think I would stop it? I told you, I’m not going to change.”

And I’m not going to change. Not like that, anyways.

There was a quote by Albert Einstein that goes like this:

You're spot on, Al... Kinda.

You’re spot on, Al… Kinda.

That is true in a sense, except for the disappointed part. Continue reading

Nov 22

Therapy Thursday

Dear TT
I left my ex husband two years after being together for 10 years, and married for 5. There are lots of reasons as to why things fell apart. We both worked a lot, never spent any time together as a couple, it was always about the kids. I didn’t work near as much as he did, so it was every day that i would be the one to grab the kids, come home, cook dinner, do laundry, and yada yada whatever else needed to be done. I wouldn’t have changed anything for the world, but it was the lack of gratitude on his end that left me very self-conscious, depressed and discouraged. Not to mention exhausted, and in need of “companionship.” I understand there are two sides to every story, but after 2 years of living in a sexless marriage, I had enough. I needed out, so I left. Continue reading
Sep 12

An In-Depth View Of The Male Orgasm

I got a request the other day to put into words the feeling of the male orgasm. While I can’t speak for every man, I can describe what’s going through my tiny man-brain, and also what’s going through my regular man brain.

I’ve decided to add photographs of myself in different levels of orgasm, and while you might be telling yourself (and others) that sex with me must be pretty boring if my beautiful wife is able to take photographs whilst in the throes of passion. Well, I’d like to point out that she’s a fucking professional (Notice the play on words?). She is able to take herself out of the scene, and focus on the task at hand. Sure the task at hand is sometimes reading, taking her contacts out, or sleeping, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that she is always eager to help me to put out the most professionalinane blog posts known to humans.

Whatever it takes. Right, Baby?

I’ve also decided to describe the facial expressions from my soul mate, life partner, and voice of reason, but only because I kept dropping the camera while trying to get the pictures I needed. After I dropped the 5D on her forehead, and then my Android in her eye (She made me use the lightest camera we have after I put the dent in her melon), she decided that I wasn’t strong enough to carry out this manoeuvre, and I would have to “suck it up” and quit wasting her time. Hey, I have a bad shoulder, and it’s really hard to hold myself up with my left. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE!

Okay, I’m sorry. Let’s get back on topic. I’m going to describe a non-Cialis, above-average orgasm. I would love to tell you about average orgasms, but I just don’t have them anymore.

First off, there is the cocooning that prequels the actual act, and then there is “The Mount”

Oh my god. I’m really going to have some sex. Oh wow, it’s really happening…

Continue reading

Sep 06

Therapy Thursday

For this Therapy Thursday we have the lovely Lady E from the blog: Adventures in Estrogen. If you haven’t checked out her blog, you should do that now. I’m hoping that she will make a regular stop here, because I think that her style and sense of humour fit well with the general feeling of chaos that we have around here on a regular basis. I want to welcome her with open arms, and an outstretched penis, and I hope you will do the same. Well, if you have a penis. If not, maybe let her rub a tit or something. Oh, and GET PICTURES.

I recently become a father for the first time 2 months ago. Around a month before this, the mother of my child ended our relationship. This came completely out of the blue to me as there were no signs that anything was wrong. I attributed it to depression etc. Anything to rationalise it and convince myself it was temporary. I’ve since realised that, although she has told me I did nothing wrong and she acted solely on her feelings about the future, it was not a temporary thing and there genuinely is nothing more for us.

I’ve not had any sexual contact with anyone since this happened. The thought of it does not appeal to me, I feel incapable of differentiating between sex and making love and I don’t see myself ever loving anyone ever again the way I loved her. I don’t honestly see myself ever being able to be happy again.

I realise it’s early days but, how do you recommend I move my life forward when at the moment the idea of sex really does not appeal?

Dejected Daddy

I was a little speechless when I first got your letter, mostly because I can relate perhaps a little too well. It was going to be impossible to avoid all the reassuring clichés of encouragement with this situation, since it’s our initial go-to in our best attempt at being genuinely sympathetic. Let’s get them out of the way, shall we?

It gets better with time.”

Time heals all wounds.”

There’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

There’s light at the end of the tunnel.”

Blah, blah, motherfucking blah. Continue reading

Aug 14

Royal Flush

Hey you guys. I have a special guest poster on the blog today, and when I say special I mean special in the non-motherly way. He’s an award winning author, an environmental activist, and a really cool guy (aren’t all Newfies cool?). I have read his new book, and asked him to do a guest post on the blog for his blog tour to promote his new novel, Royal Flush.

The book is hilarious, by the way, and I have to admit that it was completely unexpected. Only because he is a Canadian writer, and us Canadians know disappointment when it comes to our writers, and our film industry. I’m not saying they’re all duds, but the vast majority of the government funded shit, is just that, SHIT. Continue reading