Jun 21

2.5 Days

birdmandesk

It’s been a long time since I’ve woke up this happy.

Well, except for almost pissing the bed and then smacking my head on the door jamb as I stumbleran to the toilet.1)No more drinking two cans of club soda at 2 AM and “stumbleran” can be a word, you just need to use it enough.

Perhaps I should say that it’s been a long time since I was this happy, a few minutes after I’ve woke up. That’s a little more accurate.

On my way back to bed, I noticed the light blinking on my phone. I checked, and there were three text messages on there. One from each of my girls. The first one was exciting, because it contained this.

mufgI got one last night during a hardcore hacking session, and was very pleased to see that my sweet baby got one too. It won’t mean much to most of you, but any Ingress players should be a little envious of us right now.

Imagine my joy at this, and then reading the texts from the girls wishing me a happy Father’s Day and telling me that they love me and miss me.

I’m still crying.

I really had no idea that being a stepfather could be so fulfilling, emotionally.

In a few days, I will be flying home for Liv’s graduation, and to pack my family up for what is to be the greatest adventure of our lives, thus far. It will be filled with every kind of feeling that you can imagine, and I look forward to most of them, but especially the ones like I’m having now.

Those are the ones where I feel truly loved. I really don’t think that there could ever be a more complete feeling of worth as when you are really loved. I’ve had it all of my life, from my mom, and I’m pretty sure from my sisters ūüėČ , but I think that finding and marrying my one true love solidified it for me.

She didn’t have to love me.

Neither did her daughters.

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Courtesy of the fantastic Erin Campbell Photography (905) 372-7435

But they did, and I am forever grateful for that.

Happy Father’s Day to me, and to all of the other dads out there that get an immense feeling of pride and satisfaction when they think of their family. It’s probably the only reason that I’m not a crazy, eight dog owning hermit in central New Brunswick right now.2)Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. No more drinking two cans of club soda at 2 AM and “stumbleran” can be a word, you just need to use it enough.
2. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Apr 15

Well, I Guess I Need Therapy

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Yeah, I know it’s been a while.

More than a year, I think.

I have been very busy with work, and when I did get some time off the last thing I was going to do was write. I had all of the best intentions, but you know how it is. I would rather power watch movies and stuff myself with junk food than actually do something productive.

I digress.

Last night I came to the¬†conclusion¬†that¬†I’m going to need help to deal with my mental issues.

The first of my help was to delete Facebook, yet again, then after I get back out west, I am going to go to the mental health place and see about some form of counselling for depression/rage issues. There is really no need for me to get so angry with people that post shit on Facebook, whether I find it mildly annoying or completely abhorrent.

Last night someone on my Facebook feed posted a political post that I agreed with in principal, but when I started reading the comments, I was filled with this seething anger that is completely inexplicable. I mean, yeah, I know why it makes me angry, but not to that extent. When they responded to my childish, and condescending comment, I quite literally felt like inflicting physical and emotional pain on them.

What the fuck?

It’s not like me to not be able to debate in a cordial manner, but there I was with so many things to say, and¬†only enough control to lash out, because I just realised that some people will never see my point.

Like I said, I can’t explain it, but it was there. I immediately unfriended them and started looking through my phone to figure out how to deactivate Facebook from it. I decided to go upstairs and use the computer to do it, when I¬†saw a message asking about the defriending. I was trying to explain that I was going through some mental troubles and saying that it was a problem that I was going to get help for, but the political debate started again, and¬†I just deactivated. It was seriously the only way that I could keep from exploding.

I tried to calm down and rationalize what was going through my head, but it was just so strong that I couldn’t focus on anything but the negative. That started to get me very frightened. I went to bed and Mrs. Birdman woke up and talked me through it, but it took a while. I could barely get words out of my mouth as fast as my mind was thinking them up, so it must have sounded like I had a speech impediment.

Luckily I have the best possible choice for my wife, and she was able to love me to a place where I could sort out my thoughts and get back to logically assessing the situation. I really am so fortunate to have her, and the rest of my family for support. They make it so easy to keep putting one foot ahead of the other.

So that’s where I am now. If you were going to get a hold of me on Facebook for anything, don’t bother. I’m not there, and if you ever see me back there for anything other than trying to swindle some Movember dollars from you, please kick my ass.

Birdman

P.S. I shut down the Reboot site, so I’m back to swearing on here.

Feb 07

Ponytails Turn Me On

birdmandesk

Today we went to the Cobourg Community Centre and walked around the track. We tried to walk Blue around Colborne, to get some fresh air and beat the winter blues, but the boy can be a bit of an asshat when he gets rambunctious, so we ended up turning around and taking him home. The drifted in sidewalks also helped with our decision to go to the heated, indoor track.

Now I will admit that I have always thought walking around anything just to walk was pointless, but today we couldn’t go for a walk around town very safely, so it was decided that we would go to the track and then out for lunch with Gadget.

When we got there, I queued up my newest love; Slacker radio, and hit the track. If you haven’t tried Slacker, you should. Aaron turned me on to it during a rum soaked game of darts, and I liked it so much that I got the paid version.

Photo by Pete Fisher – Northumberland Today (Click photo for original article.)

I turned on a cool eclectic rock station and held hands with my one true love.

Well, until the first old doll came trucking up the left with her arms just a swinging. That was when we figured that we should keep the left lane open for the old folks that were passing us incessantly. No one wants to get hit with a stray dumbbell.

On our second lap, my sweet baby decided she was going to run. She looked back at me with a smile and a wave, and off she went. That brought a grin to my face as I watched her bounce away.

She has the best smile I’ve ever seen.

Seriously. I melt every time.

Seriously. I melt every time.

Sure, the swinging ponytail gets my motor going, but the way she smiles at me stirs my soul in ways that I didn’t know existed. It’s a look that made me want to yell to the old guy that was wheezing on by me, just how much I loved her.

It’s an immeasurable amount.

I hope I can keep her smiling forever. I know I will be.

One minute you’re waiting for the sky to fall, the next you’re dazzled by the beauty of it all,

Birdman

P.S. Do you utilize any of the amenities offered by the CCC? Which ones?

Consider a donation to the cause. They are still trying to meet their original fundraising goal, and every little bit helps.

P.S.S. The new blog should be up and running by Monday. I’m pretty excited.

Nov 14

Whatcha Got In That Box, Pandora?

fromthedesk

 

I have wanted to write this post for awhile, but I am always afraid of how some things will be perceived, even though what I have been thinking about is a legitimate concept from the perspective of any relationship.

I like to mouth off to others about ‘leaning into the discomfort’ of things, so here I go.

I have these friends who have a more alternative lifestyle. They are hands down some of the coolest people I know.  They have very different ideas about what constitutes love and marriage.   They are not monogamous, nor do they encourage the other to be.  In fact, they encourage each other to explore all sexual interests without prejudice.  It is an interesting idea from a theoretical viewpoint.  How can people learn to love freely and openly without jealousy or anger?  If we take out the part about not being monogamous, this is still a very legitimate question for monogamous couples.   As a theory, not as an argument for polyamory and its derivatives, the ability to love unconditionally is something that we should want to seek, regardless of our sexual choices.

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See? People have been getting their freak on since before Christ was a cowboy.

I understand that living as a non-monogamous couple does apparently have some boundaries.¬† From what I gather, if any person in the arrangement starts to have feelings, the arrangement is redefined. ¬†Feelings always indicate that someone is personally interested in the outcome of something. ¬†If any either of my friends become uncomfortable, with any part of the situation, the situation is removed. ¬†This conceivably lowers the possibility of deceit between partners. ¬†Some will argue that they could end up falling in love with someone else. ¬†I would reply that that could happen regardless. ¬†It’s a matter of personal choice as to whether or not you enter into a deceptive relationship with ¬†another person. ¬†I don’t accept the argument that things just happen. ¬†Things happen because we ignore growing feelings and allow ourselves to be in vulnerable situations, not because you have sex with people other than your spouse. ¬†This happens in marriages all the time, and the blame always falls to the outside relationship. ¬†It is more accurate to say that people will sleep with other peoples spouses without permission, far more than they will with permission, so let’s not get too judge-y here.

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What a cheeky monkey…

I imagine the technicalities of a non-monogamous relationship would bring up some interesting conversations.  I love that they can honestly and openly negotiate such a difficult arrangement.  I have so much respect for the amount of trust and love needed to understand the real nature of unconditional love. The closest most of us come is the way we feel about our children.  We love them like an extension of our own body, one that we would die to protect.  The love flows freely from one to the other with the perfect understanding of trust and love.  That is the ideal, of course, and some days we only get a moment of the ideal, and the remainder a fraction of what we glimpsed.  However, we do feel it most for our children.  Why is it so unnatural for some of us to be unguarded enough to be able to love and be loved, so freely?

When we have been hurt sufficiently and learn to rebound back with our self esteem intact, and our understanding has improved, we are able to open ourselves raw to another.  We commit fully to the experience of loving and being loved, and take the chance of unexpected suffering later on, in order to take fullest advantage of our good fortune now.  The emotional and spiritual gains we earn are worth the pain we undergo.  When we look at each other with nothing but love and acceptance, we will begin to create the best partner we would ever want, and in turn create a beautiful process of self-fulfillment that will continue every day after.

"I love you unconditionally. And is that a train?"

“I love you unconditionally. And is that a train?”

There are many variables that have to be in place before a relationship like this can occur: complete trust, self-acceptance, emotional maturity, courage, physical attractiveness, mutual respect, agreement on fundamental belief systems and finally a desire for both to WANT something different.  If ALL of those variables are not met, the theory falls apart in lots of ways, and an alternative relationship will not be successful.  At any point, if one partner wants it more than the other, renegotiation is required.

Non-monogamous relationships are a hard-sell for most couples because of all of the variables that aren’t being addressed in our monogamous relationships.

Perhaps people think it’s more polite to say what someone else wants to hear, rather than risk offending. ¬†Ultimately, we can’t possibly know someone who pretends to like the things we like so we don’t get mad at them. ¬† If we aren’t being truthful with our partners in every way, then we are denying our mates the opportunity to know us intimately as people. ¬† Being honest takes out the guess work in relationships. ¬†You have to agree to be kind and fair, of course, but there is no reason anyone should be angry at anyone else for being honest about something they were asked.

Awkward-couple

I have to be honest. I’ve always hated that hat. And you.

One of the first times The Birdman asked me out, he offered to take me ***bowling. ¬†I almost said I would go, but I remembered that I didn’t want to go bowling. ¬†I would have normally said I would love to go, and just lied about hating bowling. ¬†Instead, I said I just didn’t like bowling. ¬† I took the chance that he was grown up enough not to be angry that I didn’t like something he liked. ¬†Guess what? ¬†I WAS RIGHT. ¬†The thing is, most of the time, it is okay to be honest. ¬†If it’s not okay, that is a great thing to find out early in a relationship, so you can get the hell out when you see the crazy coming at you. ¬† We have to have the emotional maturity, personal security and self-acceptance that we are not reduced to shreds every time someone doesn’t agree with us. ¬†It’s a small example, but it’s not a small idea. ¬†If you are not telling the truth about the things you love, and don’t love, you are only hurting yourself. ¬†Also, pretending to love camping might cause you to be spending 3 weeks camping every summer for the next 25 years. ¬†See if that makes you change your mind about transparency in relationships.

Some people might be angry that I blew open Pandora’s box, but I don’t really think that’s fair. ¬†I am talking about real relationship issues that just happen to deal with friends who like to go to sex clubs. ¬†If we remove the sexual deviation from the equation, it is a completely valid argument that you could have at a crowded party. ¬†I’m not saying I agree with them. ¬†It’s not an endorsement of any lifestyle over any other. ¬†However it is a fascinating study of how people relate to each other in a very grown up way. ¬†I am not afraid to talk about ideas, even if they make people uncomfortable. ¬†I’m not sorry if my ideas sometimes upset people. ¬†My ideas are for people who sometimes have ideas of their own. ¬†Why don’t you leave YOUR ideas in the comments?

Mrs. B

***I have just been informed that I remember the bowling incident as I WISH it had happened, and not as it ACTUALLY happened. ¬†Apparently, I DID make a half-assed agreement to bowl at some point in the future. ¬†I remember not wanting to bowl, and that we didn’t go bowling, so I assumed I had told him I didn’t want to. Now that I think about it, I wasn’t very much into being truthful when I met him, so I can see the irony of the bowling ‘life lesson’. ¬†Well played, Karma. ¬†Well played.

Sep 11

Don’t Settle!

Birdman

You know who I’m talking to. All of you people out there that are settling for less than you want or deserve in a relationship.

It seems that it’s mostly women in this predicament, but I do know a few guys that it’s happened to over the years (IT’S ME!). It sucks, but not as bad as getting a finger or toenail slowly ripped out every week on an ongoing basis. Well, I guess it also depends on your pain tolerance and how good you are at masturbating, but as a general rule, it’s a bit better than torture.

This makes me wonder why we do it. Why is my smart, funny, beautiful friend hung up on a scrawny, emotionally withdrawn dude that is most likely a 40 year old virgin? Okay, maybe not forty, but he’s well into adulthood. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

It would be one thing if they were both okay with seeing each other for five hours a week, but she is looking for something more in a man than a game of fucking Yahtzee and a back rub on Tuesdays and every other Friday. When they met, he was looking for a relationship, but apparently not one that included sleeping together or allowing visits outside of the scheduled appointments. No stopping by for a quick high five or chest bump, no nothing.

Is this good?

Is this good?

Seems like bulshit, doesn’t it? They are obviously not very compatible together if one wants something on the other end of the spectrum as the other. Right?

Right. Well, except for the fact that she really liked him and was willing to settle for the odd occasion that he would make some time for her. He kept explaining that he didn’t have time for visitors, because he was so busy all day and night, but he could maybe get away for a few hours on Wednesday, but maybe not until Thursday.

I understand long distance relationships are hard, but for the love of all things hairy, he’s only twelve miles away from her or some shit. She was willing to drive there to see him, but that was forbidden.

How sweet.

How sweet.

He’s just not that into her.

Maybe, but I doubt it. I think he just likes to keep his options open and play the field. If he wasn’t into her he would just tell her, wouldn’t he? Come on, guys wouldn’t string girls along so that they have a warm place to land when shit goes south. That’s dishonest and deceitful. It’s like when people say that you should NEVER tell your boss that you are looking for another job, because you might not get the job, and your boss will still be looking for your replacement by noon.

Fuck it. I always tell them.¬†They always fire me, but I still tell them. It just seems right. I hate leaving people in the lurch. If I don’t like my job enough to not go looking for another one, then they are doing me a favour by cutting me loose. Sure it stings a bit, but when something isn’t working, why bother? There’s something else out there for you, and it’s probably going to be better than what you just left.

The same goes for when someone doesn’t like you as much as you like them. Cut them loose. Don’t try to change them, and for fuck’s sake, don’t try to change yourself. You’re you for a reason, and it’s a bad idea to mess with your perfect design. If you want to spend sixteen hours a day with your partner, then find a partner that wants to spend it with you. Pining away for someone surely won’t get you anywhere but crazy, so get while the getting’s good and skedaddle your sexy ass on out of there.

You see, girls. I’m a guy and I know how guys talk. Do you want to be the crazy bitch that comes up in every conversation? The one that he warns all of his buddies about? The one that he put a restraining order on?

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No? Then smarten the fuck up. Don’t pester him and give him any more power over you than he already has. Don’t tell him you’ll accept less than you deserve, and whatever you do, don’t ever beg him for a fucking thing. You’re perfect, and there is a guy out there that wants to cuddle up with all of that perfection at every possible chance. You won’t ever have to wonder if he’s fucking around, because he is trying to figure out how to grab an hours sleep during the day, just so he’ll have an extra hour to spend with you at night.

That’s just how shit is. If you can’t wait to see him, and he misses you so bad that he drives the half hour to your place just to kiss you and smell your hair, then you have a very good thing and it should be nurtured.

If you are driving by his house and he won’t let you stop by because it’s “his” day to do what he wants, then you have yourself a dude that is either gay or lacks a soul. His day should start with staring into your eyes and end with kissing your lips as passionately as possible, without putting your teeth through your lips.

I know that you aren’t going to listen to me anyhow, but this is my “I told you so.”

If you aren’t getting what you need from a relationship, then run. Run to the next one. You are worth so much more than settling for less than you deserve. I don’t care who you are, you’re better than that.

So what you wanna do, sheeeit I got a pocket full of rubbers and my homeboys do too,

Birdman