Apr 23

Prayer is Actually Very Useful

 So I woke up this morning and there was a crazy message on my computer. I saw that a whole lot of people had left the chat and as I scrolled through, I read that an old friend from high school was in trouble and needed help. I also saw that in between leaving the conversation there were a lot of these before the person left the group.

At first I was pissed off, but then I realised how brilliant that is. I should never have denounced religion when I was old enough to think for myself, because…

It can get you out of social responsibilities!

I mean seriously, check it out:

“Hey man, we lost our jobs and got kicked out of our apartment. Is there anything you can do to help? I’ll pay you back as soon as we get back on our feet.”

I’ll pray that God finds someone else to help you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or:

“Hey, it’s actually been really hard this winter. I could sure use a friend right now. It’s to the point where I can hardly get out of bed in the morning, and I think my wife is going to leave me. Maybe we could grab a coffee and talk?”

I can’t because I have a thing, but I’ll pray that God gives you strength.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another one might go like:

I heard about your son’s accident. I’ll pray that God spares him any pain. Except for the pain he has already caused him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know that I’m being petty, and most people don’t know how to help, so they say that they will pray for the afflicted. That’s a nice sentiment, but how the fuck is it going to help?

Going by percentages, how many of your prayers get answered? If it’s more than 30% you aren’t praying for hard things like curing cancer or the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup.

Prayer is merely wishing, and if you actually believe that God has a plan for everything, then what are you praying for? If you don’t know how to help, ask. If they need money and you don’t have it, see if there is anything else you can do.I’m sure they understand being broke, because they are there as well.

Maybe you could pray that God gives you a shitload of money so you could lend them some, or you could go to your church and see if they can help out in any way. They probably won’t, because unless it’s a tithing member of said church, they usually don’t have a lot of use for poor people.

Relax!

I said “probably” and “usually”. I know that your church isn’t like the other churches. It stands for everything that Jesus stood for, and that is nothing but peace and love. Your church doesn’t even follow the Old Testament, that’s how progressive they are.

My point here isn’t that you should feel obligated to help. What I’m trying to get across is that instead of clicking the emoji for prayer, try typing  the words out and use the person’s name before leaving the conversation for greener pastures. Maybe that’s what they need is to know that you actually care. You could also just leave and get on with your life. You can’t help everyone, and maybe you just exhausted your resources. Whatever.

Better yet, start a conversation. That’s been a great help to a lot of people. Just knowing that you aren’t alone is sometimes enough to make something horrible seem a little more bearable. You’ll probably feel a lot better yourself.

Birdman

P.S.

You’ll get a lot more production out of this emoji

Aug 22

Is Everybody Fucked?

wpid-mindofbirdman.jpg

You can take that question in a few different directions.

I look at the American elections, cringe, and ask myself if everybody is fucked in the head.

On one hand, you have a lying, orange, narcissist who absolutely cannot be trusted with the future of the country, but possibly will be, because of the other hand.

Over there sits a corrupt, lying, deceiver who also cannot be trusted with the future of the country.

I wish you had a third hand, America. You could put Jill Stein in it. I think Bernie Sanders would have been better, but he sold out and backed his party’s shitheel candidate. I think that Jill Stein is a better choice than either of the other two, but we all know that she hasn’t got a hope in hell of becoming the Chief Cook and Bottle Washer of that once great, and hopefully great once again, nation.

She just doesn’t have the backing of big business, or really anybody, other than some regular people who are fed up with all of the shit going on down there.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just the States that are dealing with this shit, it’s just that they are in the limelight at the moment. We have our own highly corrupt bunch of talking suits here, as does almost every other “civilised” country on this once great planet, but right now, this buffonery is taking centre stage.

I really hope that something happens with the collective consciousness down there, and that somehow you can turn this shitshow around, because as your most Anglicized neighbours, we really want to be able to look to you for hope.

Hope to destroy the TPP, race wars, religious control of politicians, and all other forms of greed and corruption at all levels of government.

We would also like to see what freedom looks like again. We hope you can show us.

Which brings up another possible interpretation of the question:

Are we all fucked now? Is there any hope that the world will ever know peace? Is there a chance that we will ever be able to rid ourselves of the holier than thou image that most religions put in our heads?

I’m better than you, because my Bible tells me that I’m going to heaven. (Unless my god really can see inside my head, or what I did in Vegas last year.) All Muslims are filthy terrorists. Jews are trying to take over the world’s finances, and don’t even get me started on the gays. Why can’t they just go live on an island or stay in their closets? They’re an abomination in the eyes of the Lord.

To get the Muslim point of view, replace Bible with Quran, Muslims with Christians, terrorists with infidels, and the Lord with Allah.

You get the point.

Anyhow, I’m going to just keep building the chicken coop, tending to the worm farms and gardens, cuddling in with my baby at night, and hoping we wake up on Lasqueti Island.

It’s harder for The Man to find you there.

Peace

Jun 11

I Got A New Phone

wpid-mindofbirdman.jpg

As four of you know from my review, my everything proof phone got all busted up a while back. It dropped from a couple of feet onto the ground and broke. It got me thinking about how fragile phones are nowadays, and how durable they used to be.

So I went old school and picked up this baby.

They don't make them like this anymore

They don’t make them like this anymore

You might think I’m joking, but you always think that. This phone is the real deal, and probably tougher than anything on the market now. The battery life is off the hizzy, but even if it does start to get low while I’m out keeping the roads clean, I have this.

Hard to get a new phone with a removable battery now.

Hard to get a new phone with a removable battery now.

Not only did it come with a spare battery, but it’s just one button to push to change them out.

Notice the screen now? Fully charged, bitches. I’m good for a week on standby now.

But Birdman, the plastic is pretty soft on those old phones. They may not crack, but they get dented up pretty easy.

Oh yeah?

It's Body Glove. I can probably go scuba diving with it.

It’s Body Glove. I can probably go scuba diving with it.

Try denting my new phone through it’s neoprene Body Glove protective phone case. Yeah, I didn’t think so. Backtracking now, aren’t you?

Well that’s all good, but what about when you need to charge it up in a week, or when you need to punch in one of the complex codes to see how many minutes you’ve used?

Oh, I see you think it’s my first rodeo.

Booyah! Bases are officially covered.

Booyah! Bases are officially covered.

That’s correct, naysayers. This came with a manual, a wall charger, and a car charger. Any other negativity you want to spread around? This thing has lasted since the 90s, and my S5 Active with it’s milspec casing and Gorilla Glass 3 didn’t make it two months.

Also, I don’t need to worry about getting caught texting and driving, playing Ingress at work, or even talking on hands-free, because there are no capabilities for any of that. That’s a win for me, my employer, and the people on the roads.

So while you sit there and try to figure out how to get a phone like this for yourself, I’ll be happily not looking at my eBay app and safely driving myself up to The Share Shed to see what other sweet goodies are around.

Birdman

P.S. If you were wondering what I did this week, I wrote a post about the new chicken tractor, reviews here and here at Profane Reviews, and I updated a bunch of products at Dirty Bird Soap. You should go check them out and let me know what you think. We always like to know where we can make things a bit better. Not too much, just a bit.

P.S.S. The Father’s Day Fishing Derby is next Sunday, so we will probably be busy helping with that. If you are in the area, come down. Tons of prizes, and you might get to see us hiding somewhere.

May 13

Gene Simmons, Prince, And Media Bullshit

Birdman

First off, I understand that I am media. I just don’t really count my thirty eight subscribers as a media audience to be reckoned with. For the record, you could be number thirty nine if you click the subscribe button in the top left sidebar. It’s just a thought. A really good thought.

Don’t get me wrong, you are all awesome, even if some of you have died and others have been incarcerated, but I just don’t think that what I do here counts for much out there in the real world of media.

So now onto the horrible Gene Simmons and the saintly Prince, whom Gene has so wrongfully smote1)smitten? with his words.

Now I have never been a soldier in the KISS Army, but I have owned several of their cassettes, CDs, and their Oscar worthy KISS eXposed.

I always found them entertaining and intelligent, but never really cared too much about what they had to say concerning anything. They are rock stars and smart businessmen. End of story.

Well, until I saw all kinds of headlines about Gene Simmons and his comments about Prince and drugs. Shit like, but not limited to:

GENE SIMMONS: DAVID BOWIE’S DEATH WAS TRAGIC, PRINCE’S WAS PATHETIC

newsweek.com

Gene Simmons calls Prince’s death ‘pathetic’

ew.com

Gene Simmons on Prince: ‘How Pathetic That He Killed Himself’

rollingstone.com

That’s just three of them, but you get the picture. This all comes from the newsweek.com interview with Gene Simmons where he said things like, but not limited to:

“I think Prince was heads, hands and feet above all the rest of them. I thought he left [Michael] Jackson in the dust. Prince was way beyond that. But how pathetic that he killed himself. Don’t kid yourself, that’s what he did. Slowly, I’ll grant you… but that’s what drugs and alcohol is: a slow death.”

and

“Bowie was the most tragic of all because it was real sickness,” Simmons tells Newsweek. “All the other ones were a choice.” Even Prince? “His drugs killed him. What do you think, he died from a cold?”

and

The one question I have is: When we all start out and we have these big dreams and you finally get your wish—you have more money than God and fame—what is that insane gene in us, well, a lot of us, that makes us want to succumb to the cliché of clichés: drugs and alcohol?

You get the picture, right? I want to throw this in for you to ruminate on.

gene04

I have no idea if this is how he meant it, but he’s a smart guy. I would imagine he understands pathos.

Now, I don’t think that he’s 100% correct in most of this, but come on. It’s Gene Simmons’ fucking opinion. He’s allowed to have one, and so are you, but nobody should give a shit about either of them. Who cares what anybody thinks about Prince’s death? He’s gone, and left a shitload of great music for us to enjoy until we succumb to whatever the fuck kills us too.

(In my opinion, this is his greatest hits CD)

The thing that bothered me the most about all of this shit was the headlines. They were only made to get a rise out of everyone. Just to get clicks. Plain and simple.

Now, I am not above trying to sneak a link in here and hope someone buys something from Amazon through the site, but I have never been able to skew things to try and get people to click on my posts because I am playing with their emotions. I could have named this post something like “Gene Simmons Is Celebrating. Prince Is Dead”

Probably would have got a lot of folks in here with something like that, but I couldn’t do it with a clear conscience. How can reputable media outlets like Newsweek and Rolling Stone do it? They know the context in which it was said, so why would they try and trap a bunch of idiots with a misleading headline?

I have an idea.

Guess where these came from?

I'll give you a hint. It isn't from Google+

I’ll give you a hint. It isn’t from Google+.

Or Twitter, but those fuckers are just as bad now.

Or Twitter, but those fuckers are just as bad now. P.S. Fuck Nikki Sixx

Definitely not LinkedIn.

Definitely not LinkedIn.

If you guessed Facebook, you are the wiener.

This shit is just perfect for the clicky, emotional hordes on the old FB.

Gene Simmons said what? Fuck him and his stupid pornstar wife. Who made him God? I hope he ODs on valiums. Fucking asshole.2)Tidbits of things I saw when I looked at FB

BTW, nobody made him God. If they did there would be proof that he exists, and we know that ain’t happening yet. 😉

Anyhow, quit clicking on things that make you mad, unless you are going to actually read everything before you share it and comment. You will save yourself a lot of people calling you an idiot under their breath. Unless your friends are just as dumb. If that’s the case, click and share as much as possible. You’ll be the most smartest one on the block, and everyone will follow your lead.

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. smitten?
2. Tidbits of things I saw when I looked at FB
Mar 12

Sumofus.org And All The Rapist Pilots At WestJet

Birdman

You can install the sarcasm font on that title and most of my words in this post.

Maybe.

I recently received an email from Emma Pullman at SumOfUs.org. This is how it started:

sumofus01

Holy shit! That’s horrible. Up to dozens of women? This guy sounds like a monster.

It’s no secret that WestJet is my favourite airline, so this was especially troubling to me.

It continued:

sumofus02

Good for her. Those bastards need to pay. Wait a second. They are literally in the business of safety? I think we need to define what the word “literally” means. I think that they are literally in the business of transportation and serving deliciouscookie tubes with my club soda. I know safety is a part of their business, but it is also a part of every business. A construction company can safely build twelve skyscrapers, but I don’t think you’d say they were in the safety business. Anyhow, I’m nitpicking. Let’s continue with the persecution of the dirty rapists and their protectors.

sumofus03

Cough* Jian Ghomeshi* Cough

That’s right, they are a public company, and they do care what people think. I know from all of the times they responded to my tweets. Maybe that Saretsky guy should step down if he is just allowing up to dozens of women to get raped by this pilot. That’s a horrible person to protect, even if it’s his brother.1)I highly doubt it’s his brother I don’t understand why he’s doing this dastardly deed, because he seems like a great guy, judging from his blurbs in the in-flight magazine.

sumofus04

OMG, they’re celebrating their 20th anniversary already. They are definitely more vulnerable because of that. My friend was celebrating his 20th anniversary and while he was at dinner he caught his wife behind a dumpster with the waiter and a pastry chef that had a neck tattoo. We should attack WestJet now, while they are feeling all emotional and shit.

There is a whole other part of the email containing news and links to external news sources like The Globe and Mail and please send us $3, but that doesn’t matter, does it? I mean that we are thirsty for blood, after reading about this rapey pilot. Right?

Well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to have a skim through the Globe And Mail story.

Here’s a part that I found interesting:

sumofus05

First of all, NO means NO!

Period.

I am not by any means condoning the pilot’s alleged behaviour, but she should also know to leave a party when the party is over. Especially when the pilot is drunk. Drunk people have poor judgement as a rule, but especially if they are of poor character as well.

Second of all, why only report it to a coworker the following day? Why not call the police, or at least a manager right after it happened? That had to be traumatizing, and would keep you up all night, I’m sure. Wouldn’t you want to immediately have this documented as a criminal act? I know I would, but I’m not a 24 year old woman in a foreign country, so I may be out to lunch on the subject.

sumofus06

Wait a minute. That says “None of the allegations has been proven in court.”

But SumOfUs.org emailed me and said that it did happen. Why would a so called “international consumer watchdog” send out a petition to force the resignation of a company CEO over unproven allegations? That seems completely slanderous and illegal, because there hasn’t even been a court hearing yet.

Don’t get me wrong. If he did these things, I hope he gets to spend a few years with a horny roommate named Big Jim, but whether he did or didn’t do it is not for Emma Pullman at SumOfUs to decide. It is for WestJet, and ultimately, a court of law to exact the judgement and punishment in this case.

As for the CEO of WestJet, I would hope that if it’s true that he knew an employee was raping and assaulting coworkers and then helped to cover it up so that said employee could go on raping and pillaging staff, he will discover a fate that is far worse than losing his cushy job. I’m thinking that maybe Big Jim would have enough love in his heart for two roommates.

Of course, if it turns out that it isn’t true, maybe I’ll start a petition company to force Emma Pullman to resign from SumOfUs.org.

What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander, right?

Birdman

P.S. You guys know that this is in no way a question of the accuser’s honesty, right? I’m not trying to make light of sexual assault in any way. I’m just trying to get the point across that until you know something is a fact, that you shouldn’t claim it’s so. Kind of like deities.

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. I highly doubt it’s his brother