Jun 19

What Your Kids Are Sharing On Facebook; or, Zuckerberg, You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself!

mindofbirdman

Now, I don’t allow anyone that’s under seventeen on my real Facebook profile. Those of you that are on it will understand why. Now I do have a family-friendly account that I made for the kids, because they kept trying to add me, but I always refused their friend requests. It turned out that a lot of adults couldn’t get enough of the Birdman either, because people there was friends on my real account that started adding my kids profile when they saw it. Maybe they were looking for a toned down version of me that rarely posts and never changes his photos. Whatever the reason, that account now has way more adults than kids.

Adults that sometimes have risque status updates. As long as I don’t like or comment on them, then no children on my Facebook should be able to see them, right? Right.

My feed is usually blocked up with stupid shit like this:

Yeah, I don't know why kidsadults feel the need to constantly answer these.

Yeah, I don’t know why kidsadults feel the need to constantly answer these. I love that handsome devil.

Stupid? Yes, but in their defence, they are kids. They don’t want their friends to think that they like the devil, no matter how cool he looks. I really don’t blame them for that, but they need to understand that these pages are pointless, but not always harmless. They could be data, like, or share mining and selling the page to a business when they get the like count up to a certain number. I see these every damn day, and I’d never given them much more than an eye roll with an occasional muttering of “idiots”, under my breath.

That was until today. Continue reading

May 23

Therapy Thursday

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Dear therapy thursday: I need help with my non-understanding wife, I am a stay at home dad with 2 wonderful children who are 7 and 13. I work very hard every day for my family. I volunteer at both of my kids schools and take great pride in the work that I do at the schools and at the house. Well at the end of the day I am tired, she thinks I sit around watching Soap Operas all day and should be well rested when she gets in at 5:30. She expects dinner on the table and for me to make sure the kids are behaving, I think by the time she gets home it is her turn to look after the kids and let me rest. What do you think?

Wore out in ft nelson

SmartyTalks

Hey Paco,

Jesus, man, get ahold of yourself and let’s think about this. We need to look at it from all sides. Did you tell the guy that you wanted heroin or black tar heroin?I ask, because there is a huge difference. Don’t pay nearly as much for that tar shit. Wait up, where the fuck am I? Oh shit, wrong WWW. thing, but still good advice if anyone needs it.

Dear Wore out:

That wife of yours sounds like a Betty Buzzkill. I’d be volunteering every day too. I volunteer at several local high schools around here, but I’m not allowed on the actual property. It’s cool though, because the girls I’m looking for usually cross the street for a smoke whenever they get a chance. It’s never too early to recruit.

As for your wife, I would start drinking and being belligerent as soon as she gets home. That way, when you go for a nap, she will be glad for you to go. On the other hand, you could get a job if you wanted one. I’ve spent some time in Fort Nelly, and you could get hired on by pretty well anyone there. Even if you were a one-armed crackhead, you could easily make a decent living.

Glad I could help,

Smarty

birdmandesk

Dear Wore out:

This is a tough one for me, because I’m lazy and get depressed. I was off work for a year, and was not a model husband at all. I didn’t really do much around the house, and I sure didn’t do any volunteering at the school.

Well there was that one time, but I forgot about it and thoroughly disappointed our oldest.

Anyhow, I think that cohabitation means a lot of give and take, and you probably aren’t putting in full days at the schools, even if you did go every day. I’m not saying you should cook dinner every night, but you should be sharing in the responsibility for sure.

Another thing I would recommend is getting as much sun on your skin as you can, and doing a bit of exercise. Even if it’s just going for a walk with the kids/dog/lady from the A&W. You might not feel like it, but you could have a bit of depression too. I’m not saying you do, but you might, and it’s best to nip it in the bud. Don’t be like me and sit at a computer feeling sorry for yourself all day. It will suck the fucking joy out through your eyes.

I’m sorry that I don’t have anything better, but if you two just share the responsibilities fairly, things should work themselves out fine.

I went to a shrink, to analyze my dreams, she says it’s lack of sex that’s bringing me down,

Birdman

 

Dear Therapy Thursday

My boyfriend wants to get me pregnant, but I’m only 22 and not ready for a baby. We’ve only been dating for 5 weeks. He is talking about getting married and I’m okay with that part of it but not pushing a baby out of my coocoo.

Am I being unreasonable? I think I really love him and he calls me every day.

Janine

mindofbirdman

Dear Janine:

Don’t be such a silly Billy. Back in the old days, 22 year old girls would have had four of their seven kids, a herniated disc, and something that looked like a goiter, but smelled like fermented beans. It’s the way it was meant to be.

Now I’m not saying you should have seven kids, but you spread those legs and give that boy at least three. He deserves it. He’s waited patiently for the last five weeks to slip you the unprotected bone, and you dare even question whether or not you should do it?

Hurry up and marry that dude. Have his kids, and have them fast. Who knows how soon he’ll be gone? He could be banging your sister by Saturday, and have forgotten all about you. You need to trap him, and trap him good.

If you even paid attention to what I wrote, you need help. You also need to punch yourself repeatedly in the ovaries so that you never breed.

Idiot.

Let me tell you all a story about a Harper Valley widowed wife,

Birdman

 

May 09

Some Things Make The Day Worthwhile

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Saturday was a long day for me. I started at the crack of dawn and worked until late at night. Things kept going wrong, but everything was pretty great, considering.

I had to start early to get to a farm north of Napanee at a decent time. Things are really busy for us right now, so we are doing what we can to get everyone there fertilizer on time.

As soon as I got out of the truck at the farm, I was swarmed by black flies, but they weren’t really biting yet. This is good. I don’t mind them crawling around in my hair, as long as they aren’t chewing anything. I was greeted by an older guy and his son. I would estimate the son’s age at about 30-35, but I’ve been known to suck at guessing age before.

I was having some pretty good conversations with the dad about hunting, farming in the Canadian Shield, hunting, and the price of old cedar swamps, while we were putting the tote bags on the tines of the tractor loader, when I saw a car pull up with what I assumed was his wife in it.

“You’ve got company.” I said

“That’s the boss. Look busy.” He replied.

As she got out of the car, I noticed that she had a tiny little guest in there with her. Out of the car scrambled a little boy of about five years old. They stood on the far side, staying away from the tractor with a huge bag dangling from it’s forks. When we got half a ton loaded in it, he dropped the bucket and headed over to set it on a skid. That’s when they made their move.

As the little fella was getting hoisted into the cab by his dad, I noticed the little seat that looked like it was custom made for a tiny rider.

“Look at that.” I stated to the grandpa. “That’s every little boy’s dream, and he gets to do that whenever he wants.”

“He’d stay in there all day if you’d let him. His dad was the same way. I used to babysit him when he was a little boy, and he would spend the whole day in the fields with me. Just loves it.” Continue reading

May 06

I Hate Pop Culture, Unless It’s Awesome

mindofbirdman

I wrote this post over at Aiming Low and I guess they published it last week. It’s about fucking Slenderman. He’s bigger than Jesus among the young folk. I’ll never understand some of the things that make the kid’s lists, but I guess I’m not supposed to.

I’m old. I’m irrelevant to marketers and children.

I don’t like trends.

I never wore Converse track suits with the huge “CONVERSE★” down the leg, and I never had Tommy Hilfiger clothes. Partly because I wouldn’t spend that kind of money on it, but also because everyone else was already wearing it. I didn’t want to blend in then, and I still don’t.

I do love the nerd pop culture though.

Harry Potter, Star Wars, and anything Tolkien. That shit is awesome.

Anyhow, go read my post if you’d like to, and leave a comment if you feel inclined. I’m going to bed, because I have to get up for my awesome job in the morning.

Love you,

Birdman

Apr 08

We Floated Our Fannies

mindofbirdman

Yep, we surely did. It was the maiden voyage for all of us, and it was awesome. Out of 56 crazy crafts, we came in 17th. Not too shabby, right?

See? I'm not lying. We're fucking prodigies. Top 10 next year, baby.

See? I’m not lying. We’re fucking prodigies. Top 10 next year, baby.

We had a pretty amazing raft built for Float Your Fanny Down The Ganny 2013 at Northumberland Repair & Refinish, but Michael and the guys there explained that it was too big and heavy, so we ended up scrapping the idea and building it a bit smaller and lighter because of their advice.

Good thing too, because we were scraping bottom with the new one and it is hundreds of pounds lighter than the first raft. I am very glad that Michael and Amy let us use the shop, because if they hadn’t, we would have showed up and been marooned almost instantly. I also wouldn’t have known where I was going to take The Goblin for work when I eventually hit something hard. Amy was telling me that I don’t have to take my vehicle to wherever the insurance company wants me to, and that they will work with people to make it easier on them if they do have an accident. This was all news, because every time I had an accident in my younger days, they would give me three or four places to get estimates from, and I never questioned them. I will now though.

Anyhow, if you’re looking for a decent guy to deal with, call them at 289-251-2660. Tell them I sent you, and they will probably make you haul that monster raft away. (I’ll try to get over this week.)

Here's what we did the night before the race. Gadget is probably the handiest guy I know, and I'd be lost without him.

Here’s what we did the night before the race. Yes, it’s four pics in one.

Continue reading