Dec 12

Dean

Chapter One – After Birth

The first thing Dean remembered was opening his eyes and feeling the sun’s warmth on his gloopy fur, while noisy things sped quickly by him and his mother. They were big things. Much bigger than him or his mom.

The second thing was his mom licking the rest of the amniotic fluid off of him. Dean didn’t know it was called amniotic fluid, I added that in there, because I do my research. There’s actually a lot of things that Dean doesn’t know, as he is a mule deer. I am just adding them in, because that’s what I do.

He tried to get up on his feet, because he felt it was expected of him. He was nervous about staggering around so close to those whizzing things, but something inside of him said that he had to learn to walk. It took him about three minutes, but he finally stood there on his shaky legs and tried a few steps.

He asked his mom what the giant things were, but she was laying back down and moving her legs around. Something was coming out of her, but it wasn’t afterbirth. Dean watched in horror for what seemed like ten minutes. It looked like a wetter, blacker version of Dean. Dean then realized that he was going to be a brother.

This was amazing news to him. He was going to have someone to learn about life with. Someone to frolic in the meadows and play little pranks on their mom with. Someone to help him track down their dad with. He must be around here somewhere, right?

As Dean watched his mom clean off his new sister, he felt at peace with the world. He couldn’t have been born on a warmer, sunnier day. Life was going to be good; he could feel it.

When his sister was all licked off, and was trying to get moving on her own, Dean watched his mom push out the placenta and then he asked her about the big whizzing things again.

“I don’t know what they are, but they mostly stay on those grey strips of land.” She explained.

“Can they hurt us?” Dean asked.

“Oh yes. I have seen them hurt many deer when they walk out on the grey strips of land. They are very hard to stop.”

“Then why would you give birth to your babies so close to the grey strip of land? That seems dangerous”

“There are many things that hurt us. Some of them, such as coyotes and bears, don’t like coming near the grey strips of land, because they get hurt too. We are very vulnerable at this time of year. I’m weak from giving birth, and you’re weak from just being born.”

Dean thought about it, and figured his mom was most likely right. She was probably two years older than him and had lived this long.

As Dean walked a little, and felt the strength coming into his legs and body, he grinned at his sister wobbling around. He went over and rubbed against her to give her a bit of support. He was glad that she had a big brother to lean on during these hard times and he wondered if he looked that funny when he was learning to walk.

He tried to communicate with her, as he did with their mother, but there wasn’t very much going on behind her glassy eyes. She just stared blankly at him.

Perhaps she just needed some time to adjust to her new life. After all, he was almost fifteen minutes older than her.

“Will she get smarter as she gets older?” Dean asked his mom.

“She might, but judging from the look in her eyes, she didn’t get enough air for her brain to fully develop. I think it happens sometimes with twins. Mine was like that too”

It was right about then that Dean noticed another fawn standing up a short distance away. Wow! there are more of us here. As his mother dozed off a bit, he tried to get the attention of the other deer, but there was a horrible noise beside them. By the time he noticed his sister it was too late. A whizzing thing smashed into her and she went sliding down the grey strip of land.

Jun 21

2.5 Days

birdmandesk

It’s been a long time since I’ve woke up this happy.

Well, except for almost pissing the bed and then smacking my head on the door jamb as I stumbleran to the toilet.1)No more drinking two cans of club soda at 2 AM and “stumbleran” can be a word, you just need to use it enough.

Perhaps I should say that it’s been a long time since I was this happy, a few minutes after I’ve woke up. That’s a little more accurate.

On my way back to bed, I noticed the light blinking on my phone. I checked, and there were three text messages on there. One from each of my girls. The first one was exciting, because it contained this.

mufgI got one last night during a hardcore hacking session, and was very pleased to see that my sweet baby got one too. It won’t mean much to most of you, but any Ingress players should be a little envious of us right now.

Imagine my joy at this, and then reading the texts from the girls wishing me a happy Father’s Day and telling me that they love me and miss me.

I’m still crying.

I really had no idea that being a stepfather could be so fulfilling, emotionally.

In a few days, I will be flying home for Liv’s graduation, and to pack my family up for what is to be the greatest adventure of our lives, thus far. It will be filled with every kind of feeling that you can imagine, and I look forward to most of them, but especially the ones like I’m having now.

Those are the ones where I feel truly loved. I really don’t think that there could ever be a more complete feeling of worth as when you are really loved. I’ve had it all of my life, from my mom, and I’m pretty sure from my sisters ūüėČ , but I think that finding and marrying my one true love solidified it for me.

She didn’t have to love me.

Neither did her daughters.

12530_838564082821563_5212102655223067119_n

Courtesy of the fantastic Erin Campbell Photography (905) 372-7435

But they did, and I am forever grateful for that.

Happy Father’s Day to me, and to all of the other dads out there that get an immense feeling of pride and satisfaction when they think of their family. It’s probably the only reason that I’m not a crazy, eight dog owning hermit in central New Brunswick right now.2)Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. No more drinking two cans of club soda at 2 AM and “stumbleran” can be a word, you just need to use it enough.
2. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
May 07

Therapy Thursday

therapythursday2

Dear Birdman

I see that you got a couple of kids. Me too, and we live in a small apartment.

Ever since my old lady fucked off on me, I have had my kids every other week in my apartment. I think the bitch just figured that I was going to pay money and never see them again, but the courts said I could have them every other week and I don’t gotta pay her anything. Like I am going to give her a grand a month for fucking around on me with her boss.

So the problem I have is that I don’t want the kids eating crap when they’re at my house, because she tried to tell the court that I was going to malnourish them or something. Like ya, I love to eat junk food and I drink a lot of soda, but she makes it sound like it’s all I feed them.¬†

My problem is that I woke them up tonight when I opened a bag of doritos, then when I opened my soda can they opened the door and asked if they could have some. I was all the way across the apartment and it still woke them up. How do I open cans and bags of snacks without making any noise. I hate not being able to let them have some treats before bed.

Studebaker

Dear Studebaker?

Is that your name, or a lame attempt at a nickname?

Anyhow, I really don’t care about your shitty relationship woes. He said, she said and so on, and so forth. Tell it to your therapist, or send a question in for next week. I’m just taking them one at a time right now.

Your chips and pop problem I can help you with, as I have had that problem in the past. I will tell you that it’s almost impossible to snack quietly, so instead we will be doing more of a conditioning sort of thing and there are two ways that you can go about it, depending on how old the kids are.

The first way works best if your kids are under about eight years old. They are way easier to manipulate when they are younger.

1. Get yourself a terrifying costume like this one. If your kids like clowns, go with something else.

photo from The Daily Hiit

photo from The Daily Hiit

2. Put some fake blood on your hands and mouth.

3. Stand about six feet away, facing their bedroom door and loudly open your pop can and your bag of salty goodness. Get some fake blood on both.

4. When they open the door, laugh maniacally and extend a bloody hand, with a chip in it, toward them and offer them a drink from your bloody pop can.

5. Repeat if necessary, but in my experience after two times, you will never see them out of their beds again.1)Keep something on hand to clean up urine with. That was a hard lesson learned.

6. Sign them up for therapy when they become trained, because it will be weird when you see¬†them in social situations. It’s hard to explain why your kid has a seizure or something,¬†every time someone opens a drink¬†at a party.

The second way will actually help your kids to never want to eat your chips or drink your pop ever again.

1. When your kids aren’t home, open a bag of your favourite snacks and sprinkle some Borax or other powdered cleanser into the bag. Not enough to kill them, but enough to make it blister their lips.

2. Now open a can of pop and dump half of it out. Mix in the cheapest fish oil that your pharmacy has and let it fester.

3. Sit as you normally would, open a new can and bag, then quickly hide them while crinkling the chip bag. When they come out and ask you for some, offer it freely.

4. Even the most stubborn teenagers won’t ask after the third time

I hope that this helped you out. If you have any blow outs because of any advice I’ve given, I am not responsible. Remember that. I don’t need the cops here because you put too much cleanser in the chips. Consider this my disclaimer.

Birdman

P.S. You can send your questions for the Birdman, or possibly Mrs. Birdman, if the question piques her interest, to birdman at changethetopic.com or if you like anonymity, just go to the Harass Us page and put in a fake name and email.

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. Keep something on hand to clean up urine with. That was a hard lesson learned.
May 04

Reprieve

wpid-mindofbirdman.jpg

I postponed my trip west for another a week. It may seem slight, but it feels pretty good to have another week to finalise Family Game Night festivities. TT and I smoked through a game of Cranium to win the right to choose Family Date Night.

The restaurant and the movie.

Yeah. It’s a pretty huge win.

We were supposed to do best out of five in a run of different games, but the losers seemed to not want to play against us any more, so I guess it’s now best out of one, unless by some miracle we get challenged.

That should work out in my favour, but to tell you the truth I was really looking forward to spending a bunch of nights as a family and doing family things. I think it’s because I missed so many of them over the winter, while they were all still being a family. I was just the guy who called every night and asked how everything was going.

Before you tell me that they’re just kids, I will just say it… I know. I get it. I was one¬†once too. I probably hurt my family’s feeling by wanting to go out drinking1)We didn’t have texting and game consoles. with my friends, instead of hanging out with my parents.

It doesn’t change the fact that they are growing up and I have been missing it. It hurts to come home one day and see a thirteen year old girl that’s as tall as you are, when the last time you saw her she was a good inch or so shorter. Especially when you always think of them like this.

From the wedding

The happiest day of my life

Remember that day?

I do. That will be three years ago in about a month. How did they get so old all of a sudden, and where the hell have I been?

I just keep repeating “June” in my head. It keeps me grounded. We’ll all be out there in a couple of months. Together, on a new adventure as a family.

In a school bus.

Thanks for the inspiration, Chin.

Chin gets to be Reuben Kincaid. He already called it.

Anyhow, I hope that some better movies come out this week, but if they don’t, I’m fully prepared to drag everyone to see Do You Believe?, by the makers of God’s Not Dead. I want to see if it’s horrible as well.

I will have my Family Date Night. No matter what.

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. We didn’t have texting and game consoles.
Mar 19

So You Want To Be Popular?

Birdman Living with a couple of pre-teen girls makes me privy to a lot of topics that I had completely forgotten about.

One of these things is the desire of young people to be popular.

Now, we all know that this isn’t a new thing*, but it does seem to be happening at a much younger age now. I would estimate a full two grades younger around here; maybe more in an urban setting.

* Remember these two?
Listen, I've got this whole high school thing psyched out.

Listen, I’ve got this whole high school thing psyched out.

¬†Needless to say, I have watched the whole series. Add that to my experience of wanting to be popular myself, and you get a chance to learn from my, and other’s, mistakes.
School is a tough racket, but I think I have a few tidbits of advice to help you kids make it to adulthood with your sense of self intact.

1. Be nice to people.

That’s it. Just be nice to people. Whether they can help you in any way or not, treat them with kindness and respect, until a time comes that they don’t deserve it. Don’t assume that because someone doesn’t “fit in” with the people that you consider cool, that those people aren’t worth your friendship. They usually are.

I say “usually”, because some people are mean, and it doesn’t matter what you do. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be kind to them too, I’m just saying that I don’t expect you to go out of your way. That doesn’t mean you can treat them poorly though. There is a reason that they are angry, and it’s probably because their life isn’t as charmed as yours is.

While you think you have it tough when you don’t get all of the things that your friends have, some kids only get to look forward to abuse and cruelty when they get home. Consider that before you take any actions toward them. They probably have enough crap to deal with after school.

2. Always stand up for what you think is right.

Throughout your life you will see injustice firsthand. Don’t be party to it, and don’t ignore it, just because it “isn’t your problem”. Remember: a fat lip or a bloody nose only hurts for a short while, but your memories can haunt you for a lifetime. If you see something that needs to be stopped; stop it. You will feel proud of yourself, and you might even get a cool scar to show your kids when they ask about the time you saved Suzanne’s* mom from a bunch of bullies.

* It will probably be something like Trinzy’s mom, but I keep dreaming of names staying quasi-normal for a few years.

3. Conduct yourself with honour and integrity.

‚ÄúIf you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.‚ÄĚ

‚Äē¬†Mark Twain

I bet Mark Twain would have been a great friend to have.

I bet Mark Twain would have been a great friend to have.

Take it from me, lying and being sneaky will bring you nothing but grief and poor sleep. When I was young, I used to lie all the time. I thought it worked out well for me.

It didn’t.

Sure, you might get away with it for a while, but in the end you’ll be in a confession booth or therapist’s chair, and you’ll probably melt someone’s mind with the fury in which you unleash your guilt. This isn’t healthy for anyone, so if you feel like being dishonest about something; choose your words wisely. They can come back to bite you twice as hard if they aren’t true.

4. Listen to others, but think for yourself.

Some of this stuff I practiced from an early age, but most of it I have adopted after seeing that it was much better than the way I was doing it. I really wish I had listened to my folks and my heart instead of people who weren’t going to matter in the end. Always consider the source when getting advice on anything. Your heart will tell you what to do, and as long as you aren’t evil, it is probably pretty close to correct.

I guess that’s about it for now. If you follow these, and a whole bunch of other rules, you will find that as you get older, you will never be without friends that are as true to as you are to them.

No matter where you go.

Someone I’ll always laugh with, even at my worst I’m best with you,

Birdman