Aug 06

Who’s A Hep Cat?

mindofbirdman

Last week I got a message from the World Hepatitis Alliance on a thing called Blogdash. I forgot I had ever signed up for it, but here it was doing the job I had expected it to do a long time ago. Getting me advertisers and people to sponsor posts and all that other sellout shit.

world_hepatitis_day copy

I normally charge $100 for writing a post to hawk someone’s wares, but with these people I couldn’t figure out what it was that they were selling. They wanted me to share a video about hepatitis, so I figured it must be pills or vaccines or something like that. I watched the video and it was strange, but memorable. There was talk about the blue and red pill, so I figured it was a lead in to the site that you could buy them and either prevent or cure that case of Hep B that you caught from a wild weekend at that festival with the Chili Peppers. I see these scare tactics all the time. They show you a bunch of dangers that are unlikely to happen, then BAM, “Here’s how we can help.”

But there was no site. No mention of where you could buy these pills. I asked Kelly what they were selling as I gave my prices.

“There is no product. This is a campaign to raise awareness about Hepatitis. This video was created for this purpose. All information is at the end of the video.”

Know_It

Huh. I guess I had better rethink my prices. We settled on a greatly reduced rate that would be payable to either our Movember campaign or our Float Your Fanny fund. I don’t like taking money from charities that I believe in, but I figured that it was okay if it went to another good cause. Right?

Then I started to think about how I know nothing, or next to nothing, about hepatitis. I know Pamela Anderson has it, and that’s about it. I asked Kelly for some material to put in, because I wasn’t what you would call “knowledgeable” on the subject. She sent me the info, but because their focus is on the video, it didn’t make a blog post.

This is a tweaked version of what was sent:

The World Hepatitis Alliance is calling for urgent action to address this disease that’s killing as many as HIV/AIDS. They are NOT looking for a donation, it’s just a polite request that you share an important video to help raise awareness of the disease. These are a few facts about hepatitis that.

  • The Global Burden of Disease study showed that viral hepatitis was responsible for almost 1.45 million deaths in 2010, the same as HIV/AIDS and significantly more than TB or Malaria.

  • 500 million people are living with chronic viral hepatitis. Hepatitis B and C are ‘silent’ viruses, because people may experience no symptoms.

  • In 2010 the World Health Organisation openly recognised that viral hepatitis is a major cause for concern by making World Hepatitis Day one of only 7 world health days officially recognised by WHO and all Member States.

 

 

I got thinking about how lucky I am that I don’t have to know about this disease, but also how naive I am to think I don’t need to find out.

I started with my trusty Wikipedia and found out how you can get hepatitis.

Almost any way you can think of. I had always thought you had to get a tattoo from that shady guy working out of a rubbermaid tote behind the old tannery, but that’s not the case at all. You can get it from eating, drinking, breathing, or thinking about sharing needles with someone who masturbated to the Pam Anderson/Tommy Lee video.

That doesn’t mean that you will get it, but you can, so it’s best to be careful. Go to http://www.worldhepatitisalliance.org/ and read up on this filthy disease. What’s it going to hurt?

I caught you knockin’ at my cellar door, I love you, baby, can I have some more,

Birdman

Aug 02

I Solicited A Company For Free Product And I Feel Great About It

birdmandesk

You guys know that I love the Google+ right?

Well, I do. It’s like Facebook’s non-idiot brother that everybody likes because he’s just so fucking nice. He’s positive, smart, funny, and pretty damn handsome. He maybe isn’t as popular as Facebook, because he isn’t on the rep hockey team, or he isn’t out throwing his dick around when he gets hammered on homemade Kahlua and milk, but he makes up for that by not giving viruses to everyone he knows and only ever going to third base with girls that he isn’t going to marry.

You get my point, right?

So a few months ago I was on G+ (that’s what his friends call him), and I see a video get shared about unclogging drains without chemicals. We go through a lot of Drano with three long haired girls in the house, so I checked out The Drain Claw.

I immediately offered to accept a free sample to see if I liked it. They were only $6.99, but I’m super cheap and wanted it for free. I sent an email telling about how awesome my blog is, and how everybody and their brother reads it. Not so much the G+ brother, but lots of Facebook brothers do. They love my silly stories and pictures.

Anyhow, I guess they bought it, because look:

Can you believe that those saps fell for my ruse?

Can you believe that those saps fell for my ruse? I can’t.

I know it doesn’t look like much in the package, but check this shit out: Continue reading

Jul 17

Someone Was Wrong On The Internet

Birdman

It’s something that Mrs Birdman dedicated to me one day. A cartoon. Apparently it’s my thing.

I can't help it. It's a sickness.

I can’t help it. It’s a sickness.

Anyhow, because it is so sweltering hot at my desk, I postponed finishing the Darien Lake post to do this, because it will be much quicker. It’s basically just a cutout of Ed’s Facebook status and the ensuing argument, but my wife thought it would make a good post, and I want to get into our air conditioned bedroom soon, so I said “What the hell? I’ll try anything twice.”

Anyhow, here it is in all of it’s glory.

Long, huh?

Long, huh?

I had to look up TLDR again, but I soon remembered someone else writing that on another argument I was in. I guess it’s a popular response to nerds. My baby sent me this excerpt from Wikipedia, when I asked her about it:

Maintain civility[edit]

Sometimes a person might feel that a reader’s decision to pointedly mention this essay during a discussion is dismissive and rude. Therefore, courteous editors might, as an alternative to citing WP:TLDR, create a section on the longwinded editor’stalk page and politely ask them to write more concisely.

A common mis-citation of this essay is to ignore the reasoned and actually quite clear arguments and requests for response presented by an unnecessarily wordy editor with a flippant “TL;DR” in an attempt to discredit and refuse to address their strongly-presented ideas and/or their criticism of one’s own position. This is a four-fold fallacyad hominemappeal to ridiculethought-terminating cliché, and simple failure to actually engage in the debate because one is supposedly too pressed for time to bother, the inverted version of proof by verbosity.

Lastly, shear laziness or excessively concise may miss an important set of details necessary to include a well branched entry despite lacking the requisite patience. [8].

Well, that’s it for tonight. I hope we get some rain soon to cool things off around here. I hear the crops could use it too. I will try to get something done around here soon.

So you think your schooling is phoney, I guess it’s hard not to agree, you say it all depends on the money and who is in your family tree,

Birdman

 

Jul 04

Therapy Thursday

Hey! I forgot to do the Guardian Bell giveaway on the first post, so we are doing it now. You might as well go to www.guardianbell.com and pick out the bell you want, then put the name of your bell in a comment on this post.

 

newtherapythursday

 

Dear Therapy Thursday:

First wasband* down. Separated over a year with a child whose loving and caring for is a hands on job. I currently share expenses and custody. Did I mention that we still share a house? We are actually friends. Communal hippie living without the sex. For reals. It isn’t viable financially for me to afford my own space. I work full time, am edumacated  but underemployed living in a location that offers little opportunity and high cost of living. Yes, one of those beautiful places.

*

It's from urbandictionary.com, so you know it's true.

It’s from urbandictionary.com, so you know it’s true.

As it stands, I’m not down with being judged as a narcissistic parent looking to alienate a father and make everyone adhere to my agenda but I am aiming for more lucrative jobs in more affordable cities. An offer would include a long distance relocation with my son as I deserve the opportunity for equal earning power as opposed to battling for a settlement from a smaller pie to establish a second residence and merely exist.

As such, I have been pondering a potential journey back to my roots. Been far away from the homeland for half of my life. I’m applying where opportunities exist in the nearby urban centres. It would also present an opportunity for my son to get to know my family.

Did I mention this locale also affords me fantastic sex and love, love, love and shit, in what could only be dubbed as the high school bro-mance that never happened?

I know what you’re thinking. What a selfish bitch. Of course my son’s feelings are valid and consequential. As are his father’s. I take none of this lightly but I am not willing to stifle opportunity to keep peace in the house nonetheless.

Yes, after hanging out, rubbing uglies and plenty of lurid texting, I have a desire to be a part of the moment with a homeboy, not just remember, how he looks when he crinkles his nose at me or arches an eyebrow. That kind of shit takes a lifetime. And if you find someone who’s willing to invest that time, it’s a lifetime well spent.

The delusional cougar in me wonders why I’m a fool if I just do it for love but if I get the dream job then it’s okay because it’s about the money. Thoughts?

Betty

mindofbirdman

Hey Betty:

Wow, it sounds like you’re in a pickle. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I guess you just have to look deeper into your choices to be able to figure out your best move. I assume that this move will be in the vicinity of an airport, so maybe there is a possibility of your child flying to visit their father. I’m not sure of age limits, but I know people that put their kids on Air Canada with special provisions. The flight attendants sort of look after them for a nominal fee. You could look into that as a viable alternative, if your “dream job” affords you that sort of opportunity.

I know that I once dated a woman that couldn’t leave the province we were in, because the father of her child wouldn’t allow his son to be that far away. I suppose she could have went to court and fought it, but in reality, we weren’t going to last that long, so I discouraged the shit out of that idea.

As for the love thing, I think that you need to pursue the things in life that make you happy. I would, and have, travelled across the country for the possibility of finding true happiness.

Twice they were failed attempts, but the last one wasn’t, so if there is a chance for you to get even a slice of the love, happiness, and sheer bliss that I got on this last go-round, I would say that you should pack that kid up and head back home. Take a month or so this summer to at least try it. Your ex can live that long without his kid, and maybe would finally have time to bang all of those college girls he’s been dreaming about since school’s been done. (we all have) Fuck legality, and take the plunge, because you never know when a chance like this will come along again.

Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again,

Birdman

fromthedesk

That's my advice.

That’s my advice.

Mrs. B

SmartyTalks

Have you ever thought about getting your ex arrested for heroin trafficking or sex slave trading? It’s actually real easy and it pretty much allows you to do what you want with the kid for at least until he’s out of prison. Send me his address and I’ll get to work on making it happen.

Smarty

P.S. I’m also gonna need about $4000 and a gun.

 

Jun 27

Therapy Thursday

therapythursday2

Hey Birdman,
So here’s a problem. I’m in my forties (yes you’d never tell by my profile pic) and feel I have not yet found that one person who really understands me and what I’m really about. And by that, I don’t necessarily mean a man.

Yummy Mommy

wpid-fromthedesk.jpeg

Dear Yummy,

I am not sure if you are lamenting your lack of partner in general, or contemplating a change in sexual orientation to find that perfect someone.  Either way, you find yourself lacking in the one part of life that we all assume will be sorted out by now.  The funny thing is, there are lots and lots of people in the exact same situation.  Many people marry in their 20’s or 30’s thinking they have it all figured out, only to grow and change in a direction opposite of their spouse.  It soon becomes apparent that we are going to have to make major changes in our lives if we are hoping to get what we want and need. Continue reading