Aug 29

Therapy Thursday

newtherapythursday

Dear Therapy Thursday,

I am a magnet for the wrong type of guy!  I want to break free from the string of losers that I’ve dated and slept with. Are all men looking for the same thing?  Is it really about having a great body, big boobs, a fat ass and pretty face?  Doesn’t it matter that I have a name?  An opinion?  I think therefore I am?  I want someone who listens!  I want someone to hold me! I want someone to tell me I am pretty!  I want someone to notice when I change my hair color or nail polish! I want someone to LOVE ME!!  What is wrong with all the men??

 Loser Magnet

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Dear Loser Magnet,

I have to take issue with your last sentence.

“What is wrong with all the men??”

I would like to pose the question to you: What is wrong with all the women? Why do they keep signing up for relationships with men who fall far short of the goal? At what point in a new relationship do you decide that you have hooked a loser?

I have a theory. If a woman knows her worth, she no longer puts up with less than she desires. If she DOES put up with less, she does it with the full understanding that this new relationship does not meet the acceptable standards, and she can no longer complain about the man OR the relationship. I believe people show us exactly who they are early on in a relationship. I remember the man who let me know he wasn’t into being very demonstrative with his feelings (dated him anyway), and the one afraid of commitment (dated him anyway), and the one who seemed to like men better than women (didn’t date him very long at all!). In hindsight, I can clearly see that there were problems almost from the very start that I ignored or minimized in the hope that this fresh candidate was THE ONE.

That brings us to the crux of the issue, in my humble opinion. Women (and men too for that matter) must really like, and feel confident about who THEY are, to be able to find and BE the kind of mate they are looking for. If you find yourself in one unsatisfactory relationship after another, the problem might not be the man. I don’t say this to be hurtful, or to cast blame, but to give you a point of view that you may not have considered. It’s easy to pay lip service to the idea that you like who you are, but do you really? Are you strong enough to do and say what you really want to? Do you feel certain enough about your ideas and desires that you are willing to hold on to them, even if they do not mesh with those of your partners?

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” I recently read that in a great book called “The Perks of Being A Wallflower” and I believe it speaks to the heart of the issue. Until we are strong enough to insist on what we want, we will not likely get it. Sometimes we get lucky and get it by accident. Life becomes simpler when we are allowed to be exactly who we are, and we allow our partners the same luxury. This comes with practise, but it starts with understanding that people need to be accepted for exactly who they are, with no expectation to change for someone else.

It’s a slippery slope trying to merge your life with someone else’s. There will always be things that don’t completely match up. You have to quickly know what you can, and CANNOT live with in another person. Since you are currently single, I am going to make a suggestion. I want you to write a list of ‘must haves’ for your future mate. These are non-negotiables for you. Then, create a list of ‘NO WAY’s’, which are things you cannot accept about someone. A third list of qualities which would be desirable, but not essential would round out the lists. When you meet someone, start looking at your list and assess the qualities this person has with whatever information you have. You are searching for someone who will complement your life, not turn you into a maid, a trophy or a carbon-copy of someone he used to know. Because you will be 100% Team You, you can start looking at the behaviour you see with a realistic eye, and not a hopeful heart.

One final thought: Is it essential that he notice your hair colour? Nail polish? Remember that some things only seem like a deal breaker. If a man loves you and treats you beautifully, the fact that he misses your new haircut may not be grounds for immediate dismissal. Let’s be flexible here… )

Mrs. Birdman

mindofbirdman
Dear Loser:
I think we need to look at this in a broken down format, because it will make it easier for my man brain to handle.
  1. I am a magnet for the wrong type of guy! That’s great! It takes all kinds of people to make this crazy world go around, and if it weren’t for girls like you, I would never have gotten laid in high school.
  2.  I want to break free from the string of losers that I’ve dated and slept with. Why? That is very selfish of you to exclude such a huge group of people from your breeding pool.
  3. Are all men looking for the same thing? You mean the blow job while you whistle Roger Whittaker through the dried boogers in your nose thing? Yep.
  4. Is it really about having a great body, big boobs, a fat ass and pretty face? No, sometimes we like to bang scrawny, homely women to remind us of that time we went to Burma.
  5. Doesn’t it matter that I have a name?  An opinion?  I think therefore I am? Not really. I’m probably just going to call you Babe or Pickletits. God I love pickles.
  6. I want someone who listens!  I want someone to hold me! I want someone to tell me I am pretty!  I want someone to notice when I change my hair color or nail polish! I want someone to LOVE ME!! Holy shit, you are one needy motherfucker. Get yourself a dog and a male prostitute. I hear The Six-Fingered Monkey is cheap.
  7. What is wrong with all the men?? Same thing that’s wrong with all of the women. We don’t get enough fibre in our diet.

The world don’t move to the beat of just one drum, what might be right for you, might not be right for some,

Birdman
P.S. I rarely notice hair and/or nails. That shit doesn’t matter to me.
Aug 16

What The Fuck Is Wrong With People?

mindofbirdman

Check out this very short news story and get back to me.

You back? Okay, now tell me exactly what our world is coming to. I’m quite curious.

THEY HAD THEIR MONEY STOLEN AFTER THEY HAD BEEN HIT BY A CAR!

From the CBC.ca version of the story. Try clicking it. I’m trying something new.

Really? The one guy gets caught and charged with theft. Yep, just a theft charge. I guess they don’t have a charge for being a deplorable human being. They should.

I suppose that if they did, three quarters of our government would be in various stages of our penal system. Crooked fucks.

Could you imagine seeing someone hurt and bloody in the street, but the only thing you think about is stealing the money that they’ve dropped? I sure hope you can’t, because that’s disgusting.

As I was sitting here thinking that these people need to be hit in the face with a tack hammer, I started to question what is wrong with our society when these things happen within a year, let alone a week of each other. Then I wonder how bad these people’s lives must be to get to the point that a bit of money is worth more than a person’s well being.

Is it our fault that people are stooping this low?

Are we teaching this sort of indifference to our children? We might be. We might be doing it and we don’t even realise it.

“Don’t look at that man. He’s dirty.”

He’s not as dirty as Margot Kidder circa 1996, but pretty close.

“Stay out of that fight, it’s none of your business.”

Even bear’s will go for a nut punch when they have a chance.

A month ago I had taken the girls to Vanilla Thunder’s house, because I needed to talk to him for a bit. They opted to stay in the van and play on their ipods. Fair enough; there were only gross boys in the house.

After we were gone, there was a girl walking down the street. The girls commented that she was the girl that went by them crying earlier.

“Why was she crying?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” Was the reply from the back seat.

“Didn’t you ask if she was okay?”

“No. We don’t even know her.”

I might have mumbled something like “Well, you should still help people.”, and left it at that, but it was only because I didn’t know what I was supposed to tell them.

That they should start talking to strangers when the person seems distressed?

How should they know who to trust? Hell, I can barely tell anymore. I know that if I saw a kid crying in the street, I’d ask if they were okay, but I’m a grown (if not fully) man. I can discern what to do based on what the kid tells me.

Sure, it may be that they’re crying because their dad took away their laptop until they finished the dishes, but who knows? It also might be that some kids just beat them up and stole the money that they got from their nana.

I don’t know, but if they need help, I’m going to help them.

I just can’t explain that to the girls. Yet.

So maybe we are teaching them that it’s okay to disregard people that we don’t know when they are in trouble. I don’t know. If we are, I hope we are doing it out of concern for our children’s safety, and not because we think that they shouldn’t care about strangers, because they should. They need to have compassion and empathy, as well as caution and vigilance to keep themselves safe. We should always be guiding them to be better people and to aid people who need it.

Sure, we might be teaching our children that they needn’t concern themselves with the plight of others, but do you know what we aren’t teaching them?

To fucking rob people when they’ve been hit by a car.

Or even just to rob people, period.

No, that’s something that you must learn on your own, because I’ve known a lot of parents over the years, and not one of them told their kids that robbing people in a time of need was okay. If they did, I’d like to know about it, so I can tack hammer the shit out of their face.

Just in case you were thinking a tack hammer wouldn't hurt.

Just in case you were thinking a tack hammer wouldn’t hurt.

One day it could be us that’s lying in the street with our wits and belongings strewn about the intersection. What would you want to happen in that situation?

Just think about it, then talk to your kids. Tell them what to do if they see some poor bastard get run down in the street. Tell them that no matter what they decide to do, to make sure that they don’t fucking steal the person’s shit. While you’re teaching them things, watch this video with them.

I saw this the other day and it really got me thinking. Get your kids social media networks locked down. There’s no need for them to have anything public. This can happen anywhere, at any time, so put down whatever you’re doing tonight and talk to your children. Talk to them about safety and doing the right thing when it counts. When they grow up, they might thank you for it. If you’re lucky.

Voices are calling from inside my head, I can hear them, I can hear them,

Birdman

Aug 14

I’m Sort Of Lucky

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I say “sort of lucky”, instead of “sort of unlucky”, because I’m a “glass is half full” kind of guy and I’m lucky in the things that matter.

Take for instance, my marriage. It’s pretty fucking superb. Sure, I got laid off today, but I came home to a big hug and a firm “Don’t worry, it will be fine.”

It’s pretty hard to top that in my book. She’s the best partner in life that anyone could ever want. When I’m feeling down, she’s there. When I’m feeling up, she’s there too. She’s my balance, my light, and my safe harbour. I never have to worry about shit when I’m with her.

In my past I’ve been with people who would automatically freak out if my hours got cut in a slow period. I mean lose it to the point of crying and not being able to sleep, even though I was still working fifty plus hours a week. It was just a bad reaction to change.

crying

How are we supposed to live on full time hours? We’re going to starve to death.

It gave me pretty bad anxiety, but I’m all good now. 🙂

Oh yeah, I got laid off. Kind of sucky, but I knew it was coming eventually, and it lasted longer than it was supposed to, so I’m pretty happy about that. I really enjoyed that job, even though I had to physically work harder than I have in twenty years or so. I was learning new things every day, and I got to meet a shitwhack of excellent people. The salt of the earth, if you will. I also have a recall date for next spring if I don’t have a job by then.

I fucking well better have a job by then.

Even if I have to work odd jobs all summer, and head back to the patch for a few rounds this winter, I’m pretty sure that I’ll be doing something.

I was sort of contemplating doing snow removal this winter*, because I have a plow for the four wheeler and I’m picking up a snowblower for the tractor.They both have cabs for them, so it seems like the biggest part of the company is already started. I suppose I’ll have to register something and do a bit of door knocking to get the word out, but hey, I’ve got nothing but time now.

Totally not me.

Totally not me.

Whether I’ll have any time in the winter is another story.

* Give me a dingle if you’re in the Colborne area and need your driveway done this year.

These are just things I keep mulling over. Lucky for me, I have choices and possibilities. A lot of folks don’t get that luxury. I couldn’t imagine being stuck in a life that I loathe, just so I can exist on a molecular level. I know that there is always the hope that things will get better, but man, if I had lived my 42 years simply to keep breathing and working a job I hate, I don’t think I would have bothered.

Another way that I’m extremely lucky is my friends and family. They’re top notch, AAA people that I sincerely love to be around. I wish I had my own company with a big enough payroll to hire them all, but that’s a bit crazy. I mean, think about it. Who the fuck is going to pay us all to hang around the board room, playing absinthe pong, shuffleboard, and seeing who is the best at axe throwing? (I bet it’s Stanley)

You will never live a boring life, that's for sure.

You will never live a boring life, that’s for sure.

Nobody. That’s who. Unless there was some rich moron that just wanted to laugh all the time and go to fun parties, but didn’t want to take the time and effort that you would need to make your own friends to party with. I suppose that if such a person existed, they would gladly pay us our fee, because we are the funniest, most fun loving bunch that you shall ever cross paths with. It’s pretty nice that I can sit with any random assortment of my pals, and have an absolutely great time. I think that’s pretty rare. I feel like I won a life lottery or something.

Could you imagine being miserable all the time. How draining is that? I remember when I was younger, I thought that good things should just fall into my lap. When they didn’t, I was visibly upset. I couldn’t understand why people didn’t see how great I was, and why they weren’t just offering me a fabulous life. To counter-attack, I would do a minimal amount of work, because in my opinion, I was getting a minimal amount of money. I kept asking myself: Why did they all have to be such assholes? Don’t they know that I am destined for greatness?

Apparently they didn’t.

That was when I decided that I needed to change my work ethic. I noticed that when I was doing something I enjoyed, I would try harder to do a good job, to get better at it. This in turn, rewarded me by getting me raises, bonuses, and other fringe benefits. That made me want to work harder,.

You see the cycle here?

It took me a long time, but I figured out that you need to do jobs that interest you. If you don’t, you’ll be hating it within a month, and sabotaging yourself within six. That’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to whoever hired you.

I’m not saying you have to absolutely love your job, but you need to be interested in it.

Anyhow, enough droning from me. Sorry that all of this didn’t end up with a point, but what can you do?

She’s got an alligator bag, top hat to match, dressed in black on black,

Birdman

Aug 08

You May Notice A Change

Birdman

Yep, I finally changed themes.

It was long overdue, but because it was daunting, I had a hard time committing to it. My old theme was great, but there was a few problems in the code that prevented me from getting my Google authorship, and that’s sort of a big deal for me.

This page doesn't give me anxiety anymore. No more patches of red code errors.

This page doesn’t give me anxiety anymore. No more patches of red code errors.

I had contacted the old theme’s developer and asked him if he could fix it last year, but he never followed up on his promise to look into it for me. I quit giving money and poked around for a new one, but nothing seemed to migrate very fluidly, so I panicked and gave up. I hoped that the guy would just miraculously fix it for me, so I could live my change-free online life.

He didn’t, and now I’m here. One thing’s for sure; I won’t donate any more dinero to a theme developer until I know that it’s going to work for me, and there is a good support system if I have a problem. Sure I only kick in about $5 every few months, but I think that’s pretty decent for a free theme.

Isn’t it? I could have given nothing and still enjoyed the use of it. A lot of people do, and that’s okay, because it’s a free theme. It’s not like you are stealing from anyone. I just like to show a bit of appreciation for someone’s hard work that makes my life easier. That’s all.

Oh wait. Speaking of appreciation, I want to thank Mark Traphagen at Virante for all of his helpful articles and coaching. For any of you that are wondering why I love spending time on Google+, it’s because of folks like him, Ed Hong, and about a hundred other people in my circles that share freely with their knowledge, art, and love of life. Why the fuck would you want to hang around a social media site that’s full of scams, drama, and other negativity, when you could be getting a handful of Nader Madakto’s photo posts?

I digress.

I haven’t finished tweaking everything, but I really like the feel of my new theme. I’ve added some new sidebar widgets, so you guys can see things like where the people are from that are Googling “How to fuck a sheep” * and other tawdry subjects. You can also see some of the blogs I like, but I took a bunch out from who was on there last time. Anyone who hasn’t posted in months or their site was taken down got deleted. I have to add a few more, but these things take time. Do you know a blog that should be up here? Let me know about it.

* Shout out to the UK and Australia for keeping my numbers up on that post.

A selection from Barking Dog Salvage and Parkadilly

A selection from Barking Dog Salvage and Parkadilly

You may also notice that there are ads on the sidebars now. I wanted to showcase my talented friends that make things, because I think you bastards should start shopping for your ChristmasHanukkahHoliday presents at their stores. Buy a gift certificate for a wedding present. Pick out a nice, outdoor cooktop, family tree, or a distinctly refinished set of shutters for your parents to enjoy. They’ll like it better than a George Foreman grill or a collage of selfies in a cheap frame.

Check out Outside the BOX for tons of unique gift ideas. Or you could buy it for yourself I guess. Rob won't care.

Check out Outside the BOX for tons of unique gift ideas. Or you could buy it for yourself I guess. Rob  probably won’t care.

So tell Walmart to go pound sand, and support a local artist, entrepreneur, or inventor. You will put a bit of food on their table and feel really good about yourself forever. Well, at least until you eat an entire bag of of semi-sweet chocolate chips after your girlfriend leaves you for a pair of dirty carnies that she met at the waterfront festival.

Another new development is that I joined the Tumblr. I don’t know exactly how it works, but Amber says I need to be on it, because it’s where the pretty people hang out. Not that she thinks I’m pretty, but she knows I like to dress up real pretty and dance around in my jeggings and a jaunty cap, so she told me about it. I’m sort of glad she did. I’ll be way more gladder when I figure out how to utilise it for world domination.

Let me see. What else is new? Oh, things slowed down at work, so I’ve had the time to work on the blog. I’m trying to get some creative juices flowing for Movember this year, and so far have only come up with a Tombstone theme and a kick ass Shavedown and after party. I haven’t talked to everyone, but I know Scooter’s in this year, and I hope my guys from last year are going to do it again. We did amazing, and had a great time. Well, I know I did, and really, that’s all that matters.

Remember the nip slip seen ’round the world?

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Well, I’m hoping to do the follow up to it this week. I just need to get the photographers and my co-model on board.

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I know that there is other shit to tell you, but I can’t think of it right now. It’s summer time for fuck’s sake.

I guess I’ll go and get the trailer ready to pick up the Hedgehodge’s garbage. Maybe someone I know would want a couple of small dressers and a little desk to paint up or something. I would do it on Saturday, but I don’t want to be late for the swanky shindig we got invited to. Mrs. B is shooting a wedding that day, so by the time she finds me I should be in fine form. Well, finer than usual, I guess.

Oh wait! Here’s something cool that Mike Stenger just showed me on G+. I’m going to install it as soon as I’m done here. If it’s free. If not, then I guess the hackers can have at me. GoDaddy backs me up for a month anyhow.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends, mmm I get high with a little help from my friends,

Birdman

Aug 06

Who’s A Hep Cat?

mindofbirdman

Last week I got a message from the World Hepatitis Alliance on a thing called Blogdash. I forgot I had ever signed up for it, but here it was doing the job I had expected it to do a long time ago. Getting me advertisers and people to sponsor posts and all that other sellout shit.

world_hepatitis_day copy

I normally charge $100 for writing a post to hawk someone’s wares, but with these people I couldn’t figure out what it was that they were selling. They wanted me to share a video about hepatitis, so I figured it must be pills or vaccines or something like that. I watched the video and it was strange, but memorable. There was talk about the blue and red pill, so I figured it was a lead in to the site that you could buy them and either prevent or cure that case of Hep B that you caught from a wild weekend at that festival with the Chili Peppers. I see these scare tactics all the time. They show you a bunch of dangers that are unlikely to happen, then BAM, “Here’s how we can help.”

But there was no site. No mention of where you could buy these pills. I asked Kelly what they were selling as I gave my prices.

“There is no product. This is a campaign to raise awareness about Hepatitis. This video was created for this purpose. All information is at the end of the video.”

Know_It

Huh. I guess I had better rethink my prices. We settled on a greatly reduced rate that would be payable to either our Movember campaign or our Float Your Fanny fund. I don’t like taking money from charities that I believe in, but I figured that it was okay if it went to another good cause. Right?

Then I started to think about how I know nothing, or next to nothing, about hepatitis. I know Pamela Anderson has it, and that’s about it. I asked Kelly for some material to put in, because I wasn’t what you would call “knowledgeable” on the subject. She sent me the info, but because their focus is on the video, it didn’t make a blog post.

This is a tweaked version of what was sent:

The World Hepatitis Alliance is calling for urgent action to address this disease that’s killing as many as HIV/AIDS. They are NOT looking for a donation, it’s just a polite request that you share an important video to help raise awareness of the disease. These are a few facts about hepatitis that.

  • The Global Burden of Disease study showed that viral hepatitis was responsible for almost 1.45 million deaths in 2010, the same as HIV/AIDS and significantly more than TB or Malaria.

  • 500 million people are living with chronic viral hepatitis. Hepatitis B and C are ‘silent’ viruses, because people may experience no symptoms.

  • In 2010 the World Health Organisation openly recognised that viral hepatitis is a major cause for concern by making World Hepatitis Day one of only 7 world health days officially recognised by WHO and all Member States.

 

 

I got thinking about how lucky I am that I don’t have to know about this disease, but also how naive I am to think I don’t need to find out.

I started with my trusty Wikipedia and found out how you can get hepatitis.

Almost any way you can think of. I had always thought you had to get a tattoo from that shady guy working out of a rubbermaid tote behind the old tannery, but that’s not the case at all. You can get it from eating, drinking, breathing, or thinking about sharing needles with someone who masturbated to the Pam Anderson/Tommy Lee video.

That doesn’t mean that you will get it, but you can, so it’s best to be careful. Go to http://www.worldhepatitisalliance.org/ and read up on this filthy disease. What’s it going to hurt?

I caught you knockin’ at my cellar door, I love you, baby, can I have some more,

Birdman