Oct 29

Halloween Shavedown Spectacular

movemberfont

If you are wondering where the post is from Gadget and Penny’s Annual Halloween Party, you can rest easy knowing that it will be coming one of these days. I may have gotten a little tipsy, so I may have forgotten to take as much photographic evidence as previous years, but there are a few, and perhaps anyone else that had a camera could send along any that they have to kind of fill in the rather sizeable gaps.

The reason that I don’t have a post done is because of The Halloween Shavedown Spectacular. I, with the help of Mrs. Birdman, Emma at Movember Canada, Kelly’s Homelike Inn, Rob Hood and Shaun Savoy (aka The Savvy), and anyone else that would like to help out, are throwing a Mo Party to get everyone ready for the greatest facial hair growing event of the year.

That’s right. We are all trying to raise awareness  for men’s cancer and the effect it has on everyone. From researching new ways to battle the disease itself, to helping with the mental struggles that a lot of men have when it comes to dealing with and talking about their ass and balls and the cancers that affect them.

MG587-InvolvedFA1_34

I’m a one man wolf pack .

Continue reading

Sep 11

Don’t Settle!

Birdman

You know who I’m talking to. All of you people out there that are settling for less than you want or deserve in a relationship.

It seems that it’s mostly women in this predicament, but I do know a few guys that it’s happened to over the years (IT’S ME!). It sucks, but not as bad as getting a finger or toenail slowly ripped out every week on an ongoing basis. Well, I guess it also depends on your pain tolerance and how good you are at masturbating, but as a general rule, it’s a bit better than torture.

This makes me wonder why we do it. Why is my smart, funny, beautiful friend hung up on a scrawny, emotionally withdrawn dude that is most likely a 40 year old virgin? Okay, maybe not forty, but he’s well into adulthood. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

It would be one thing if they were both okay with seeing each other for five hours a week, but she is looking for something more in a man than a game of fucking Yahtzee and a back rub on Tuesdays and every other Friday. When they met, he was looking for a relationship, but apparently not one that included sleeping together or allowing visits outside of the scheduled appointments. No stopping by for a quick high five or chest bump, no nothing.

Is this good?

Is this good?

Seems like bulshit, doesn’t it? They are obviously not very compatible together if one wants something on the other end of the spectrum as the other. Right?

Right. Well, except for the fact that she really liked him and was willing to settle for the odd occasion that he would make some time for her. He kept explaining that he didn’t have time for visitors, because he was so busy all day and night, but he could maybe get away for a few hours on Wednesday, but maybe not until Thursday.

I understand long distance relationships are hard, but for the love of all things hairy, he’s only twelve miles away from her or some shit. She was willing to drive there to see him, but that was forbidden.

How sweet.

How sweet.

He’s just not that into her.

Maybe, but I doubt it. I think he just likes to keep his options open and play the field. If he wasn’t into her he would just tell her, wouldn’t he? Come on, guys wouldn’t string girls along so that they have a warm place to land when shit goes south. That’s dishonest and deceitful. It’s like when people say that you should NEVER tell your boss that you are looking for another job, because you might not get the job, and your boss will still be looking for your replacement by noon.

Fuck it. I always tell them. They always fire me, but I still tell them. It just seems right. I hate leaving people in the lurch. If I don’t like my job enough to not go looking for another one, then they are doing me a favour by cutting me loose. Sure it stings a bit, but when something isn’t working, why bother? There’s something else out there for you, and it’s probably going to be better than what you just left.

The same goes for when someone doesn’t like you as much as you like them. Cut them loose. Don’t try to change them, and for fuck’s sake, don’t try to change yourself. You’re you for a reason, and it’s a bad idea to mess with your perfect design. If you want to spend sixteen hours a day with your partner, then find a partner that wants to spend it with you. Pining away for someone surely won’t get you anywhere but crazy, so get while the getting’s good and skedaddle your sexy ass on out of there.

You see, girls. I’m a guy and I know how guys talk. Do you want to be the crazy bitch that comes up in every conversation? The one that he warns all of his buddies about? The one that he put a restraining order on?

restrainingrder

No? Then smarten the fuck up. Don’t pester him and give him any more power over you than he already has. Don’t tell him you’ll accept less than you deserve, and whatever you do, don’t ever beg him for a fucking thing. You’re perfect, and there is a guy out there that wants to cuddle up with all of that perfection at every possible chance. You won’t ever have to wonder if he’s fucking around, because he is trying to figure out how to grab an hours sleep during the day, just so he’ll have an extra hour to spend with you at night.

That’s just how shit is. If you can’t wait to see him, and he misses you so bad that he drives the half hour to your place just to kiss you and smell your hair, then you have a very good thing and it should be nurtured.

If you are driving by his house and he won’t let you stop by because it’s “his” day to do what he wants, then you have yourself a dude that is either gay or lacks a soul. His day should start with staring into your eyes and end with kissing your lips as passionately as possible, without putting your teeth through your lips.

I know that you aren’t going to listen to me anyhow, but this is my “I told you so.”

If you aren’t getting what you need from a relationship, then run. Run to the next one. You are worth so much more than settling for less than you deserve. I don’t care who you are, you’re better than that.

So what you wanna do, sheeeit I got a pocket full of rubbers and my homeboys do too,

Birdman

Aug 26

Saturday Night’s All Right

mindofbirdman

My cousin Ryan got married on the weekend and I was invited to share in his special day. I should probably say our special day, because for a few reasons I felt really happy and uplifted there.

For one thing, one of my favourite people in the world was at the wedding, and she got to ring the final bell at her chemo clinic on Friday. When I read Steph’s post, I immediately got weepy with tears of happiness for her family. They were kind of like the tears I’m crying now, only more of them and I wasn’t lounging in my underwear.

photo credit - John Bevan

photo credit – John Bevan

Anyone who knows Judy will tell you that she is one of the brightest lights in any room. Her smile is so warm and inviting that you can’t help but want to give her a hug, and if you get the chance, I highly recommend it. She hugs from the heart, that one.

I really don’t remember her when I was a kid, but as soon as I started hanging out in town she made herself known to me. I can’t remember the exact moment, but there was probably a party going on and she most likely said something like ” Oh I know who you are, Chris Bird. I used to live down the street from your mother. I also know your father and if you’re anything like he was, you’d better stay away from my daughters.”

I instantly had a crush on her. Still do, to be quite honest, and I know I’m not the only one. She’s a beautiful soul that’s wrapped in a beautiful shell, and I’m so glad that she’s going to be making the world a better place for a while longer.

Here’s to you, Jude. Keep smiling and we’ll keep smiling with you.

Another reason I was glad to be there was because I got to sit with my Aunt Audrey. She’s my Nana’s sister, and has always been a big part of our lives. We used to go across the field from Nan’s house and through the back gate to visit and swim in their pool. This was before the strip mall and the Sir Sandford building was there, so there were no obstructions in our way. She was always home. I guess we wouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t, but Uncle Mike was usually out somewhere being busy. He was really good at finding things to do. There was the odd time that you’d catch him home at lunch or something and that was always a treat, because he was one of those really loud guys with all kinds of jokes. He would keep me laughing with all of his crazy sayings and facial expressions as he listened to the old bitties talking. He was one of those guys that had a huge heart that matched his voice, so when Ryan and Danielle lit a candle for him during their ceremony, it brought a big smile to my face.

Chips off the old block.

Chips off the old block.

I really miss seeing him around when I go over for a visit or drive by the lot where I’d sometimes find him working on something or the other.

Anyhow, let’s not think about that, because this was a night of happiness and celebration, and Uncle Mike sure wouldn’t want anybody sniffling over him. We should just be thankful that we knew him at all.

Oh, I got to also hang out with two beautiful ladies that landed me in shit with the local liquor authority when they lured me outside for some fresh air. The dude who is in charge of making sure people aren’t drinking out of the venue told us we had to take our drinks back inside. I’m glad he nailed us and not the forty other people that were scattered around the parking lot drinking beer out of their trunks. He had to have seen them, but I suppose we were the easy targets as we were standing at the door, and at least he could feel like he was doing his job.

Normally I’d be pissed at the interruption, but seeing as it didn’t seem to be going anywhere with those two ;), so I welcomed the chance to sit down again and wait for the beautiful bride and groom to return from their photos.

This is almost too cute.

This is almost too cute.

Giddy up!

Giddy up!

Here’s to you, Ryan and Danielle. Thanks for letting me share the night with you and your fine friends and family, and what I hope are many years to come. When you marry your best friend, you have already made it farther than most. Congratulations.

After the wedding, I had to skedaddle over to Mr. and Mrs. Brady’s wedding reception at Shifter’s place. Things were in full swing when I arrived, so I was able to blend seamlessly into the food table where I enjoyed the fruits of many people’s labour.

Now that's a pretty smile.

Would you look at that pretty smile.

I had a great time shooting the shit with Stella and her pole dancing friend, and by the time Dora and Swiper were having a pong off for “favours” (he won), I knew the night had better come to a close soon. I don’t know exactly how many jello shots I had for dessert, but I knew it was too many to drive, so we crashed in the trailer with Jack there to make sure nobody tried to sneak up on us. I guess someone must have tried at around 5:30, because he was sure barking and letting us know that he heard something.

They say that karma’s a bitch, but looking back at all of the friends I’ve made over the years, I’d say that that’s not always the case. Yet.

Blame it all on my roots, I showed up in boots, and ruined your black tie affair,

Birdman

 

Aug 19

Road Rash

Birdman

Alright, so after my parents divorced, we moved with my mom to a house that was two doors north of my Uncle Larry’s place. He was my dad’s brother, and it wasn’t uncommon to see Dad’s pickup parked there on a Saturday or Sunday morning.

It also wasn’t uncommon for me to have stupid ideas.

This is one of those times that the two landed on the same day.

Now this was a weekend that we were at Mom’s and my brother Larry and I were playing in the yard. We just happened to be looking for something fun to do, when Dad’s truck pulled into Uncle Larry’s driveway.

Don't you dare make fun of my Paint skills; my wife was sleeping, and I don't know how to use Photoshop.

Don’t you dare make fun of my Paint skills; my wife was sleeping, and I don’t know how to use Photoshop.

“Hey, we should go and crawl under Dad’s truck.” said I, in my infinite wisdom.

“What for?”

“We’ll drag underneath it when he backs up, then we’ll climb into the box and scare the shit out of him. He won’t be able to see us in his mirror,  then…BANG! We are yelling at him in the back of his truck. It’s going to be so funny.”

“Haha, that’ll be so awesome. Let’s sneak through the ditch, so he doesn’t see us. We’ll be like ninjas.”

I thought that was a great idea, so I answered with a silent nod and point towards my uncle’s place.

Back in the early 80’s, people weren’t as flippant with the word “ninja” as they are today. Back then it meant something; especially to a young boy who had just watched this.

So we stealthily crept through the ditch and crawled under the truck, hanging on to the rear bumper so he couldn’t take off without us, and we waited. After a short while that seemed like two days, we heard the screen door open and heard him say goodbye to Uncle Larry.

This was it, our time to shine.

He fired up the beast and started backing out onto the road. Everything was going according to plan. We smiled at each other and laughed inwardly. As the truck came to a stop we spun around and grabbed the bumper while moving into a crouch position behind the truck. YES! It was totally working. As he started going forward, Larry lost his grip on the bumper and was left behind as I “land skated” behind the old girl.

Shit. I was going to have to go this one alone.

As he picked up speed, I reached up to grab the top of the tailgate and pull myself into the back of the truck. This was going to be so cool. I secretly wished I would be able to record the the manoeuvre and the look on his face as I leapt into the box and started yelling at him.

That was when the tailgate popped open from not being shut all the way and smashed me in the face. That sent me skittering onto the road at about twenty miles an hour. I’m not going to tell you that I wasn’t concerned, because I was, but when I finally stopped and realized that I was okay, I began to grin. Partially because I was glad to not be mortally wounded, but also because I knew I would have made it had the gate stayed shut. A few scraped up limbs was worth knowing that.

Seriously, stop laughing at me. It's not my fault.

Seriously, stop laughing at me. It’s not my fault.

The truck slid to a stop and Dad came running back toward me, as my brother was yelling and making his way toward me too. He was laughing and grinning when he got to me, and had a look of incredulity at what had just happened.

Then there was Dad. I’ll never forget the look on his face through the stars and my pulsing, bloodshot eyes. It was an expression of shock that turned to horror. Oh, and then the fear, that I might have mistaken for rage.

Can you imagine being a parent and seeing your kid in the middle of the road with blood all over his smiling face? I couldn’t then, but I sure can now. He had no clue what had happened, just as I suspected, but instead of that being funnier, it was just a lot scarier. I think about the myriad of emotions that would course through me if it was one of the girls that this happened to. It’s really hard to fathom.

Not that I will ever have to worry about that though, because they are far too smart to pull that kind of stunt, and they rarely go outside. This is good, because that means that most of the things I expected to die from as a young man are off the table, and there’s a way less chance of them developing harmful sunspots.

I can’t say I’m proud of all of the things that I’ve done, but I can say I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone,

Birdman

Aug 16

What The Fuck Is Wrong With People?

mindofbirdman

Check out this very short news story and get back to me.

You back? Okay, now tell me exactly what our world is coming to. I’m quite curious.

THEY HAD THEIR MONEY STOLEN AFTER THEY HAD BEEN HIT BY A CAR!

From the CBC.ca version of the story. Try clicking it. I’m trying something new.

Really? The one guy gets caught and charged with theft. Yep, just a theft charge. I guess they don’t have a charge for being a deplorable human being. They should.

I suppose that if they did, three quarters of our government would be in various stages of our penal system. Crooked fucks.

Could you imagine seeing someone hurt and bloody in the street, but the only thing you think about is stealing the money that they’ve dropped? I sure hope you can’t, because that’s disgusting.

As I was sitting here thinking that these people need to be hit in the face with a tack hammer, I started to question what is wrong with our society when these things happen within a year, let alone a week of each other. Then I wonder how bad these people’s lives must be to get to the point that a bit of money is worth more than a person’s well being.

Is it our fault that people are stooping this low?

Are we teaching this sort of indifference to our children? We might be. We might be doing it and we don’t even realise it.

“Don’t look at that man. He’s dirty.”

He’s not as dirty as Margot Kidder circa 1996, but pretty close.

“Stay out of that fight, it’s none of your business.”

Even bear’s will go for a nut punch when they have a chance.

A month ago I had taken the girls to Vanilla Thunder’s house, because I needed to talk to him for a bit. They opted to stay in the van and play on their ipods. Fair enough; there were only gross boys in the house.

After we were gone, there was a girl walking down the street. The girls commented that she was the girl that went by them crying earlier.

“Why was she crying?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” Was the reply from the back seat.

“Didn’t you ask if she was okay?”

“No. We don’t even know her.”

I might have mumbled something like “Well, you should still help people.”, and left it at that, but it was only because I didn’t know what I was supposed to tell them.

That they should start talking to strangers when the person seems distressed?

How should they know who to trust? Hell, I can barely tell anymore. I know that if I saw a kid crying in the street, I’d ask if they were okay, but I’m a grown (if not fully) man. I can discern what to do based on what the kid tells me.

Sure, it may be that they’re crying because their dad took away their laptop until they finished the dishes, but who knows? It also might be that some kids just beat them up and stole the money that they got from their nana.

I don’t know, but if they need help, I’m going to help them.

I just can’t explain that to the girls. Yet.

So maybe we are teaching them that it’s okay to disregard people that we don’t know when they are in trouble. I don’t know. If we are, I hope we are doing it out of concern for our children’s safety, and not because we think that they shouldn’t care about strangers, because they should. They need to have compassion and empathy, as well as caution and vigilance to keep themselves safe. We should always be guiding them to be better people and to aid people who need it.

Sure, we might be teaching our children that they needn’t concern themselves with the plight of others, but do you know what we aren’t teaching them?

To fucking rob people when they’ve been hit by a car.

Or even just to rob people, period.

No, that’s something that you must learn on your own, because I’ve known a lot of parents over the years, and not one of them told their kids that robbing people in a time of need was okay. If they did, I’d like to know about it, so I can tack hammer the shit out of their face.

Just in case you were thinking a tack hammer wouldn't hurt.

Just in case you were thinking a tack hammer wouldn’t hurt.

One day it could be us that’s lying in the street with our wits and belongings strewn about the intersection. What would you want to happen in that situation?

Just think about it, then talk to your kids. Tell them what to do if they see some poor bastard get run down in the street. Tell them that no matter what they decide to do, to make sure that they don’t fucking steal the person’s shit. While you’re teaching them things, watch this video with them.

I saw this the other day and it really got me thinking. Get your kids social media networks locked down. There’s no need for them to have anything public. This can happen anywhere, at any time, so put down whatever you’re doing tonight and talk to your children. Talk to them about safety and doing the right thing when it counts. When they grow up, they might thank you for it. If you’re lucky.

Voices are calling from inside my head, I can hear them, I can hear them,

Birdman