Nov 20

The Shavedown – Part 3

MOBROS

Darrin too, but he was a late bloomer.

That’s right, if you are new here, then you should step back a bit and check out Part 1 and work your way through. If you refuse, then I will give you a quick rundown of what has happened so far.

We went to Kelly’s Homelike Inn for a shavedown party. There was a jam band and they were awesome. There were photos of drunk shaving with a straight razor and blood.

You’re all caught up.

Kelly's Homelike InnJust going to have a pint at Kelly’s is worth the trip. It’s a sports bar for manly men and the women who love them.

Well, now it is. It didn’t used to be boob friendly.

When I was a wee lad, no women were allowed in there, but around 1976 or 77, they changed that rule. I’m sure the guys taking off early to chase some tail every night was hard to watch as a business owner. Kind of like when they finally got their liquor licence. Gord told me that when they just sold beer, guys would come in for a few, then bugger off to somewhere that they could fill their bellies with whiskey. They were losing out on some business that they were already set up for, I guess.

Chalk it up to changing times.

You know what isn’t changing? How sexy and talented The Savvy is. Ask Jay Sharp of Big Breakfast Blog and Eggs fame about The Savvy’s animal magnetism. He’s renowned for it. I think it’s the yoga pants he wears.

Anyhow, enough about that beast. We’re here to finish off the Shavedown Spectacular, once and for all. I think when we left off, it was Scooter’s turn to be shorn. I won the draw and got to lather him up.

So nice.

I wonder if you you have to go to school for barbering people?

I wonder if you you have to go to school for barbering people?

It was weird, but as I was applying the lather, Mr. Brady came back from the can with his eye crusted shut and a sinister look on his face. He exclaimed that he was shaving the next face and nobody was going to stop him. His one good eye was flicking around the room, maniacally.

Hey, who am I to argue?

I don't know what he whispered, but I'd say it wasn't very encouraging.

Scooter thought that maybe a righty shouldn’t be going southpaw on something like this.

"Oh, no problem," said Mr. Brady. "I'll switch it up right now.

“Oh, no problem,” said Mr. Brady. “I’ll switch it up right now.

"How about if I come up under here? Is that better, Scooter?"

“How about if I come up under here? Is that better, Scooter?”

I don’t think that Scooter figured it was better, but I guess you don’t argue with the crazy guy.

That feels like it's maybe too close. Way too close.

That feels like it’s maybe too close. Way too close.

The crackle in Scooter’s voice made me start paying attention. He’s usually pretty easy going and hard to rattle. Look at the size of him for crissakes.

"Whoa, Mr. B. What the hell are you doing? You're cutting him."

“Whoa, Mr. B. What the hell are you doing? You’re cutting him.”

Luckily he snapped out of it before the blade went deep.

Luckily he snapped out of it before the blade went deep.

I don’t know what got into Mr. Brady, but he got really weird until I said something to him. Scooter still won’t tell me what he was whispering in his ear. He just gets a twitch in his eye and his lip trembles.

It was lucky that I was there and had been nicked by a real barber before, because I knew that you have to stop the bleeding with powder. You see, while I was looking for something to clean up the blood with, I came across a can of Ajax. It’s probably not the same powder as the barber uses, but it might be. Either way, it should coagulate the blood, right?

"Dude, I'm almost 75% positive that it's what my barber uses. It is antiseptic too, and that kills the tetanus."

“Dude, I’m almost 75% positive that it’s what my barber uses. It is antiseptic too, and that kills the tetanus.”

(I don’t know if that’s true, but I think there’s bleach in it so it should kill some shit. Right?)

He wasn’t too keen on the idea. He kept yammering on about “Blah blah, gonna really sting, blah, might poison me, yadda yadda, I’m a whiny baby.”

You don't know until you try.

You don’t know until you try.

Well, I gotta say that he didn’t seem to enjoy that at all.

Hey, at least it worked. It would have sucked to have that kind of pain AND the bleeding.

Hey, at least it worked. It would have sucked to have that kind of pain AND the bleeding.

Click1

While the big fella cleaned up, we went to work on Tweezle. The poor bastard has a bit of a baby face, and said he can’t grow real hair, but we still let Gadget have his turn at the blade for posterity’s sake.

They figured that he needed to at least look like he could grow a 'stache. Apparently a monacle too.

They figured that he needed to at least look like he could grow a some hair. Apparently a monocle too.

He really seemed proud of his moustache and goatee. Like he believed it was real and shit.

Look at me, I’m a dandy.

He actually seemed quite proud of his new moustache and goatee. It was like he believed it was real and shit. THEY JUST DREW IT ON YOU, TWEEZLE!

I want to shave his fancy little nose off.

I want to shave his fancy little nose right off.

It turned out that he’s a bit sensitive about his boyish growth of facial hair. I guess the guys at his work have teased him mercilessly and it gave him a complex. Now I feel bad for wanting to cut his nose off when he was so proud of his tiny lip weasel.

"Awwww, here. I'll shave ya, little fella."

“Awwww, here. I’ll shave ya, little fella.”

Look at the poor bastard. He probably needs to see a therapist because of us.

"Never mind. I'll do it myself. Just leave me alone."

“Never mind. I’ll do it myself. Just leave me alone.”

You know what? That’s bullshit. He knew he was coming to a shavedown. What did he think, that we were shaving each other’s fuzzy nutsacks? I don’t think so. It’s not even close to Scrotember yet.

"Haha, I'm the only one that isn't leaving here wounded. I can't believe they fell for that sappy BS. Suckers."

“Haha, I’m the only one that isn’t leaving here wounded. I can’t believe they fell for that sappy BS. Suckers.”

Yeah, I thought so. Look at that gloating peacock. Well, it looks like we might have a fight on our hands, because ALL MUST BLEED!!!

ALL MUST BLEED!!!

That’s some serious Matrix shit right there.

Facts

  1. No Mo Bros were hurt in this blog post. Yet.
  2. There’s a good chance that two of the five friends in this post will get cancer. It’s more than a 40% probability for Canadian men on average. That’s pretty scary.
  3. The incidences of prostate cancer in Canadian men have slightly declined since 2007.
  4. Movember Canada launched in 2007
  5. I’m trying to play off a coincidence as a correlation, but I have no proof.
  6. About twice a week I worry about getting cancer. Any cancer.
  7. I have a lot of guy friends. Some of them are going to die of prostate cancer, because they won’t catch it in time.
  8. I’m sick of people dying from this fucking disease, and while I realise that us raising some awareness and a few hundredthousand dollars (yay!) to put towards research isn’t going to solve the problem; it will help. It all helps.
  9. Me not raising any awareness or money doesn’t help anyone.

We will cure this dirty old disease, well if you’ve gots the poison I’ve gots the remedy,

Birdman

Nov 12

The Shavedown – Part 2

MOBROS

So when we left off from Part 1, I was injured, but given a handful of first aid towel from the washroom to hold on the wound.

All right, the bleeding should stop soon. Who's next?

All right, the bleeding should stop soon. Who’s next?

I'm not backing out the door. Getting shaved by a drunk guy with a rusty razor seems awesome.

I’m not backing out the door. Getting shaved by a drunk guy with a rusty razor seems awesome.

He was totally backing out the door. Tweezle called him on it and shamed him into coming back in. I finished my shave while he was lathering up for his turn. It was hard to stand beside him and pretend I had shaved people before. Truth is, this was the first time I’d ever actually held a straight razor and I didn’t want him to be nervous.

I don't do things half assed.

This is probably as awesome as he suspected it would be.

Well, here goes. You have to learn somehow, right? I figured I’d trim up around his eyes first. Why else would you have shaving cream on your forehead? Continue reading

Nov 08

Oh Nothing, Just A Post For Friday

MOBROS

Like our banner this year? Mrs. B made it up for us. She’s peachy keen. She does a lot behind the scenes for our Movember thing, because she knows how important it is to me. We all do, really. Not that it isn’t fun, but it’s still something that takes a toll on me at least.

That’s why it bothers me when I find out that people are using the blog posts to further their own Movember campaigns. Don’t get me wrong, I know the money all ends up in the same place and it’s nice that people share the posts around, but I can see when it gets shared, and by who in a lot of cases. Sadly there are people who share it and ask their Facebook and Twitter friends to read it and then donate to their/their husband’s Mo.

I know it probably seems petty, and I was just going to leave it alone, but it really does bother me. I guess it’s because I work really hard to try and organise this, and those who know me know that I’m not an organised person, so it really is a lot of work for me and the rest of the team. There’s also the monetary investment too. Sure it’s only a few hundred dollars, and I could have just donated it and that would be that, but I feel that if we try to do something fun and fresh, we might get through to a different bunch of people than the usual couple times a week post on Facebook that people just ignore anyway. I hope that we can work it into a yearly thing, something fun that people could look forward to every year. A Mo party with some of our amazing local talent and maybe a bit of food or something. Maybe we could get some local businesses on board and actually make a difference.

I know that I am going to need to start planning before October, do the shavedown photoshoot earlier, muster up the courage to ask local merchants to help out, and have the party on a weekend night that isn’t Halloween.

You live and you learn. Hopefully.

About the sharing of the content thing; I really do appreciate it when it’s shared for the right reasons. More than you will ever know, but please give credit where credit is due. People work hard to create things every day, and most of the time they will give it away for free, but they would like a little acknowledgment for their work. That goes for sharing news stories and tweets too.

It only takes a second to add -Sarah Silverman, or whoever wrote the joke you are using, to your status, tweet, or post. Sure they are never going to see it, but shouldn’t they get the recognition for their creativity? I think they should, plus, it isn’t right to pass something off as your own, even if it only makes your two hundred friends think that you wrote something you didn’t.

I’m a big offender, or at least I used to be. I would Google search for photos and copy them onto this very blog. Then I was thinking about how that was no different than other people’s written content. Sure, it’s mostly memes and stock photos that are free to use, but I’m sure some of it is something that someone worked hard at to capture. You know, that one graphic of a male reproductive system that I needed so badly, or maybe the picture of the dog bite suit. Either way, I’m putting links in to where the image came from now, if it’s at all traceable, and I feel better about myself. Usually.

This dude is serious about moustachery.

This dude is serious about moustachery.

So there you go. My pissypants whine about people stealing my thunder, but hey, I don’t make any money off of this, so thunder is all I got. Now go and donate to http://moteam.co/change-the-topic. There are a few slackers that haven’t broke their doughnut yet, maybe you could help them feel better about themselves. They need to feel loved too. 🙁

Gotta get up, listen to me, clappa your hands, stompa your feet,

Birdman

Nov 07

Therapy Thursday

newtherapythursday

Dear Therapy Thursday:

What’s crackalackin’? Haha that’s a funny saying. Okay.

I’m not accustomed to asking for advice, but I’m in a bit of a pickle.

You see, I like to party. A lot. The problem is who I party with. Every time I am taking a haul off of a doobie, or playing vodka pong, one of my buddies is snapping a pic or shooting some video. I’m sure that they would never betray me, but it still puts me on edge. My brother is really worried about it, but I keep telling him I have it under control. I told him that my friends are real steady guys and would never say anything about me drinking and doing a bit of dope to take the edge off. I guess he just worries because I’m the baby and he’s seen me in action before.

My problem is that I have a pretty important job that requires a lot of critical thinking and the people that I rule oversee don’t really like me very much, so I’ve been really hitting it hard for the past year or so. We’ve been able to turn people’s heads by deflecting attention and the occasional white lie, but they are really starting to watch me now.

Okay, I might have smoked something a bit stronger than hash on a video, and it may or may not have been leaked and stolen. It looks like I might lose my job, but I really really don’t want to. It’s super easy and I can do it mostly from my cell phone in the car. (Don’t worry, I’m getting a bluetooth soon.) I just wish people would leave me alone for one more year. I really don’t know why, but my bro says that we need it to fulfil our agenda. Whatever the fuck that is.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah. I don’t want to quit my job or apologize for anything, but I also don’t want to get any help, because I really love getting hammered. It’s such a great feeling to be staggering along Danforth, sampling all kinds of different food. You know, those foreigners really can cook a mean souvlaki.

Oh yeah, the advice thing. I’m getting a lot of media attention now, and I’m well known for some of the most unflattering photos on the internet. What I need advice on is how to look a bit better in photographs. I’m what my doctor calls morbidly obese, but my friend “Al” says I’m cuddly. I’m pretty sure that I would trust a friend over a doctor any day, so please tell me how a cuddly guy should pose better for pictures.

Cracky McStuperton

Birdman

Dear Cracky:

I’m going to come out and address the elephant in the room.

You have a substance abuse problem. Really.

It also sounds like you should take a break from whatever it is that you do and maybe go see a doctor, yogi, or whatever other person can get you healthy. You need to get your head clear before making any decisions that could affect other people’s lives. That’s just the decent thing to do.

You want to do the right thing, don’t you?

I’m sure you do, but in your booze addled brain, you just keep digging your hole deeper. Don’t you want to be free?

If you just tell everyone the truth, with heartfelt humility, people will forgive you. They won’t probably want you in their lives, but at least they will be able to view you as more than just a lying piece of dog shit. You can rebuild from there, but only if you’re totally honest.

You will feel like two thousand pounds was lifted from your shoulders.

Anyhow, I’m going to refer you to Mrs. Birdman for the photo thing. It’s kind of what she does.

Trouble ahead, trouble behind, and you know that notion just crossed my mind,

Birdman

wpid-fromthedesk.jpeg

Dear Cracky,

I understand your panicky interest in being photographed in an unflattering manner.  If you are like most men, you have never actually been photographed in a flattering light, so it’s curious that you care all of a sudden.  Regardless, I am going to give you a few tips.

CaptureLets start with clothing.  Avoid white shirts with belted pants if you are paunchy,  that transition never goes well. A smart jacket over everything will make you feel at least a few pounds lighter, even if it does add to your considerable (I suspect) bulk.

Another thing to remember is that you should always try to avoid being photographed from unflattering angles. The only way to play it safe is to fall to the ground every time a camera approaches.  This way you will always be ‘looking up’ into the cameras lens, offering your slimmest angle.  Unfortunately you will also seem to have some sort of problem remaining upright, which may not be as beneficial for your career or work place productivity.  It’s really your call here.

Finally, try to remain as happy and pleasant with people as possible so you are always photographed with a lovely expression.  Considering the amount of narcotics you seem to consume, this shouldn’t be very challenging.

Good luck out there.  It sounds like you will need it.  :S

Mrs. B

SmartyTalks

My friend Baby Doc texted me to bring some friends down to Haiti and he will let us stay with him if we help him with a coup. He must have a bunch of chickens running wild at his place or something. I met him in Quebec I think. I don’t know, people were smoking and talking French, but it did seem like a long plane ride. He was always surrounded by broads and he had the best blow, so I was like “Chickens and coke? I’m already there. Let’s get this party jumping”

Dude, you should totally come with.

Smarty

P.S. I know you’ve heard it before, but we are doing the Movember thing, so if you could stop by and have a look at our band of miscreants, we would love it. 🙂

Nov 04

The Shavedown – Part 1

MovemberFBcover

So we had our little party at Kelly’s Homelike Inn in Cobourg Ontario. Kelly’s is my favourite bar, probably because it’s the first place that my Dad ever took me for a beer. It was the bar that he went to to drink with his buddies, and it turned into the bar that I drank at with my buddies. If you get a chance to get in there for a drink you should go, just to say you were there. You would then be in the company of some pretty great people. Look around the walls at some of the legends, sporting and non, and you will get a feel of the rich history of the place. It is probably the oldest liquor serving establishment in town, but I could be wrong about that. Sometimes I talk out of my ass.

Kellys

Anyhow, enough about Kelly’s for this installment, we’re here to talk about real men, in a real man’s bar, shaving like real men do.

(drunken real men with emotional problems)

It was a rainy Halloween night, so there wasn’t a lot of action happening downstairs where the band was setting up.

Savvy and the Hairdo Band were opening for GNR, but Axel got trashed and ended up puking off the patio all night.

Savvy and the Hairdo Band were opening for GNR, but Axel got trashed and ended up puking off the patio all night.

Luckily Savvy is a professional and was able to finish out the night with some inspiration from Slash and this other guy.

Luckily Savvy is a professional and was able to finish out the night with some inspiration from Slash and this other guy.

Continue reading