Feb 11

So I Was Going Through A Year Of Blog Emails

Yeah, I forgot to add the blog webmail app to my last two phones, so it’s been a while.

There were hundreds of unchecked emails, but only about twenty that I actually cared about. Those were the companies wanting me to write about their shit, or them wanting me to post something they wrote about their shit.

I responded to all of them except the eight that were absolutely a no go.

Of the twelve, one has responded back with affirmation of pure joy, but they were very good at not showing any emotion at all.

Coincidentally, they were the ones that I was most intrigued by. Mostly because of their offer. They were willing to give me a credit on their client’s website if I wrote about the product.

It is a site called Paperless Post.

They do e-cards and that sort of thing.

You can get simple.

Hey, if you’re going to drop a bomb on someone, make it a good one.

But why not go all out? They also have fancy shit.

As I looked around the site, I realised that I had absolutely no use for any of the products at the moment, but didn’t feel right about getting their hopes up and then saying I wasn’t interested.

You also can’t tell someone that you will write something for them and then take months, or most likely years, to actually get around to it. Especially when you command the attention of more than dozens of people.

So I have decided that I will let you all spend my credit frivolously.

That’s right.

Frivolously and with wanton abandon.

  1. Go to Paperless Post and pick out anything from their site, or I can pick something for you. (take a screenshot or get the name)
  2. Compose an email to birdman@changethetopic.com
  3. Send me the info and the email address you want the card sent to.
  4. Wait.
  5. Let me know what you thought of the lavish gift in a reply to the original email. Scale of 1-10 should be fine.
  6. At the end, we will tally up the site and collectively do a review.

They said the credit will be there within the next three days, so when it goes in, I will start the shitshowfestivities.

Birdman

P.S. Bonus points for creativity.

Dec 12

Dean

Chapter One – After Birth

The first thing Dean remembered was opening his eyes and feeling the sun’s warmth on his gloopy fur, while noisy things sped quickly by him and his mother. They were big things. Much bigger than him or his mom.

The second thing was his mom licking the rest of the amniotic fluid off of him. Dean didn’t know it was called amniotic fluid, I added that in there, because I do my research. There’s actually a lot of things that Dean doesn’t know, as he is a mule deer. I am just adding them in, because that’s what I do.

He tried to get up on his feet, because he felt it was expected of him. He was nervous about staggering around so close to those whizzing things, but something inside of him said that he had to learn to walk. It took him about three minutes, but he finally stood there on his shaky legs and tried a few steps.

He asked his mom what the giant things were, but she was laying back down and moving her legs around. Something was coming out of her, but it wasn’t afterbirth. Dean watched in horror for what seemed like ten minutes. It looked like a wetter, blacker version of Dean. Dean then realized that he was going to be a brother.

This was amazing news to him. He was going to have someone to learn about life with. Someone to frolic in the meadows and play little pranks on their mom with. Someone to help him track down their dad with. He must be around here somewhere, right?

As Dean watched his mom clean off his new sister, he felt at peace with the world. He couldn’t have been born on a warmer, sunnier day. Life was going to be good; he could feel it.

When his sister was all licked off, and was trying to get moving on her own, Dean watched his mom push out the placenta and then he asked her about the big whizzing things again.

“I don’t know what they are, but they mostly stay on those grey strips of land.” She explained.

“Can they hurt us?” Dean asked.

“Oh yes. I have seen them hurt many deer when they walk out on the grey strips of land. They are very hard to stop.”

“Then why would you give birth to your babies so close to the grey strip of land? That seems dangerous”

“There are many things that hurt us. Some of them, such as coyotes and bears, don’t like coming near the grey strips of land, because they get hurt too. We are very vulnerable at this time of year. I’m weak from giving birth, and you’re weak from just being born.”

Dean thought about it, and figured his mom was most likely right. She was probably two years older than him and had lived this long.

As Dean walked a little, and felt the strength coming into his legs and body, he grinned at his sister wobbling around. He went over and rubbed against her to give her a bit of support. He was glad that she had a big brother to lean on during these hard times and he wondered if he looked that funny when he was learning to walk.

He tried to communicate with her, as he did with their mother, but there wasn’t very much going on behind her glassy eyes. She just stared blankly at him.

Perhaps she just needed some time to adjust to her new life. After all, he was almost fifteen minutes older than her.

“Will she get smarter as she gets older?” Dean asked his mom.

“She might, but judging from the look in her eyes, she didn’t get enough air for her brain to fully develop. I think it happens sometimes with twins. Mine was like that too”

It was right about then that Dean noticed another fawn standing up a short distance away. Wow! there are more of us here. As his mother dozed off a bit, he tried to get the attention of the other deer, but there was a horrible noise beside them. By the time he noticed his sister it was too late. A whizzing thing smashed into her and she went sliding down the grey strip of land.

Dec 11

My Next Adventure

I’ve been thinking about writing a book for a long time now, but I’m quite lazy and become daunted by the thought of sitting down and writing a whole book at once.

So I figured that I would write it a chapter at a time on here. It would probably give me more incentive to actually do it, rather than drive around in a snowplow just thinking about for the next few months and forgetting about, like the rest of my great ideas.

Keep in mind that this will just be the rough draft, and that I am always open to constructive criticism, so if you see ways that I can improve, please let me know.

I’m on nights for the next month and a half, so this should help me use up some of my mornings that have been so far wasted on games and lounging.

If you find that you do enjoy the story, please subscribe to the blog so that you will get each chapter emailed to you. Then you don’t even have to click on the link or any other strenuous tasks.

Thanks,

Birdman

P.S. I also like to encourage sharing. It’s the selfish, narcissistic asshole in me.

Jun 19

Where Does It Go?

Birdman

No, I’m not talking about that, although I could have used some hints when I was younger.

I’m talking about time.

I was pretty sick all this week, but what about last week, and probably next week?

It can’t always be so rushed, can it?

It’s been really good to be working again, even though it’s only forty hours a week. I don’t know how I ever did it when I was doing eighty plus. I hope I never have to find out again.

I am quite liking this new job. I’ve never had an actual union job before, so I wasn’t sure what to expect, but so far it’s pretty sweet. I like the scheduled shifts, because knowing when I work all week is a pretty foreign concept to me. The fact that I get a long weekend every weekend in the summer is the icing on the cake though. I am able to get things done on Fridays that would normally take up part of our weekend.

Normally that would leave more time for soaping, but we haven’t really done much of that lately. I guess it’s because we have been busy doing other things like gardening, building the chicken coop, and sleeping. We also helped at the 17th Annual Fishing Derby at Dinosaur Lake today, but that was just a day, so we can’t really blame it for using up all of our precious time.

It was a pretty cool fishing derby though. I think. It’s actually the first one I’ve been to in any capacity, so it seemed good to me, even though there were only four fish caught out of probably a hundred people.

dinosaur lake

Dinosaur Lake

Apparently fish don’t bite when the water is so muddy, but this derby doesn’t care if you catch fish, so the juniors were just drawn from all of the kids who entered. I also like that everyone gets a prize, so even if you don’t fish, you are still going to get something. I got a good length of rope and a credit card knife, along with a bunch of freebies that the conservation officers dropped off for everyone. Lanyard and floaty keychains, travel mugs, stickers, spinner lures, and some cool tape measures were given out to everyone that wanted them.

It was a really fun day, with all kinds of community spirit and a lot of smiling faces. I can’t wait for next year. 🙂

Birdman

P.S. I only wrote one thing this week over at Granola Light. It isn’t really exciting for anyone who doesn’t share my passion for the care and breeding of composting worms and the evil forces that attack them.

Jun 11

I Got A New Phone

wpid-mindofbirdman.jpg

As four of you know from my review, my everything proof phone got all busted up a while back. It dropped from a couple of feet onto the ground and broke. It got me thinking about how fragile phones are nowadays, and how durable they used to be.

So I went old school and picked up this baby.

They don't make them like this anymore

They don’t make them like this anymore

You might think I’m joking, but you always think that. This phone is the real deal, and probably tougher than anything on the market now. The battery life is off the hizzy, but even if it does start to get low while I’m out keeping the roads clean, I have this.

Hard to get a new phone with a removable battery now.

Hard to get a new phone with a removable battery now.

Not only did it come with a spare battery, but it’s just one button to push to change them out.

Notice the screen now? Fully charged, bitches. I’m good for a week on standby now.

But Birdman, the plastic is pretty soft on those old phones. They may not crack, but they get dented up pretty easy.

Oh yeah?

It's Body Glove. I can probably go scuba diving with it.

It’s Body Glove. I can probably go scuba diving with it.

Try denting my new phone through it’s neoprene Body Glove protective phone case. Yeah, I didn’t think so. Backtracking now, aren’t you?

Well that’s all good, but what about when you need to charge it up in a week, or when you need to punch in one of the complex codes to see how many minutes you’ve used?

Oh, I see you think it’s my first rodeo.

Booyah! Bases are officially covered.

Booyah! Bases are officially covered.

That’s correct, naysayers. This came with a manual, a wall charger, and a car charger. Any other negativity you want to spread around? This thing has lasted since the 90s, and my S5 Active with it’s milspec casing and Gorilla Glass 3 didn’t make it two months.

Also, I don’t need to worry about getting caught texting and driving, playing Ingress at work, or even talking on hands-free, because there are no capabilities for any of that. That’s a win for me, my employer, and the people on the roads.

So while you sit there and try to figure out how to get a phone like this for yourself, I’ll be happily not looking at my eBay app and safely driving myself up to The Share Shed to see what other sweet goodies are around.

Birdman

P.S. If you were wondering what I did this week, I wrote a post about the new chicken tractor, reviews here and here at Profane Reviews, and I updated a bunch of products at Dirty Bird Soap. You should go check them out and let me know what you think. We always like to know where we can make things a bit better. Not too much, just a bit.

P.S.S. The Father’s Day Fishing Derby is next Sunday, so we will probably be busy helping with that. If you are in the area, come down. Tons of prizes, and you might get to see us hiding somewhere.