Nov 13

Lighten Up, Dude.

You ever play a game with someone who took it way too seriously? Me too. Lots of them, actually. I start to laugh when they freak out on me for sucking so bad, but it’s even better when I luck out and maybe do okay. That drives them over the deep end. One guy did it when we were out golfing, and I had already told him I was no good before we even went.

I guess he thought I was bluffing.

I wasn’t.

He ended up wrapping an expensive pitching wedge around a tree when I beat him on a hole, even though he was winning the game. I apologized for getting lucky, but it didn’t matter. He was mad, and now he was out $110 on top of the cost of the game. I laughed a lot at that one. We haven’t spoken since.

I think the best one was when I was playing in a little Texas Hold”em game over the holidays last year. We were all drinking beer except for Drew. He was a serious poker player. He played in all kinds of online poker tournaments for real money. He used a lot of lingo that I didn’t understand. Words like “turn” and “bad-beat”. He read books on poker all the time, and apparently won a bit of money at it. He was talking about going pro, but I don’t know if he ever did.

My definition of a bad beat.

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Nov 09

Movember 9th, 2012

That’s right, it’s Movember 9th and that can mean only one thing.

We are getting desperate.

As of last night, I have resorted to whoring myself out for donations. For $5 I will put whatever you want me to on my status. It can be on either Facebook, Google+, or Twitter, or all of them if the price is right.. I will leave it there for at least an hour, and if you put it in quotes, I will do it word for word, or maybe you just want me to write down how I feel about you, like Sandra did this morning. Last night, Nancy had me write a post in Shakespearean English, but I’m afraid it fell short. It’s been 20 years since I have actually read The Merchant of Venice, and it was hard remembering the precise words that he used. Irania and Kathy came in late, so I’ll accomodate them later today, I promised Sandra until noon, and then it’s game on.

I’m telling you, folks, it’s warmed my heart with the response we’ve gotten so far, and I want to thank you for that. The people who have donated, the people who will donate, and the people who want to donate, but just can’t for whatever reason. You are all important, and without you reading this, and any other cancer awareness articles, the word doesn’t spread. Sure funds are great, but awareness is key. When you’re aware, you can be proactive.

Gently grab hold of your nuts and give them a good, thorough grope. Get some good lube, and an even better friend, and have yourself an amateur prostate exam/milking. Come on, it can’t be that hard. I went to a little lecture at Sexapalooza last year, and she said that if you have your prostate milked on a regular basis, you will never have to worry about prostate cancer. I’m still a little sheepish, but at least I know I should be doing it. Continue reading

Nov 08

Therapy Thursday

Dear Therapy Thursday,

Recently a friend of mine posted a questionable sign/photo/thing on her facebook wall. Some of her family went crazy on her for posting it. They were basically calling her a bad mother and telling her how to raise her kids. I didn’t really think to much of it at the time but when I saw all those people complaining about her daughters and other young people seeing it I wondered if maybe I was a bad mom for not thinking about that. Heres a copy of it.

What I want to know is does this picture pose a threat to my 11 and 14 year old daughters? What about my 9 year old son? I just thought they were being really hard on her for what this is, but I might be wrong.

Confused In Cobourg Continue reading

Oct 18

Therapy Thursday

Before we get to today’s problem, I just want to say that I was taken aback the other day when I clicked onto one of my favourite blogs and saw my name there. If you look directly above this, you will see a makeshift drawing in rudimentary colours. Bryan did that up for me when they were doing their Kickstarter for their newest book: Dead and Moaning in Las Vegas. I’m sure most of the regulars here have checked them out, but for any of you that haven’t, you should go and do that right now. Don’t worry, Smarty will be here when you get back. He might not have as many brain cells, but luckily he doesn’t need them to be an asshole.

It was really a surprise and an honour to be mentioned on their hallowed walls, and I hope that some day I can repay the favour to them. It’ll probably be bailing them out of a TJ jail after a donkey show gone bad, but whatever it is, I hope I can put a smile on their faces like they put on mine.

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Dear Birdman,

I’ve been sort of dating this guy for a few years now, but I have always been suspicious that he’s sleeping around on me. We rarely go out in public, he’s always playing jai alai with his buddies, or going out drinking and golfing. I see him once a week if I’m lucky, but it’s always at his place or mine.

My friends all think I’m nuts, but I can see that he’s opening up a little to me each year. He’s been caught on a few occasions lying, or not showing up when he is supposed to. When I confront him about it, he always has an excuse for why he lied or didn’t make it. I guess it’s my fault for wanting more out of the relationship than a quick lay almost every week, when I know he has trust issues. Once I thought I caught him fucking around, and he turned it around on me, saying that I was suspicious because I probably am having an affair. I’m not! I wouldn’t do that.

Anyhow, I want to know what you think I should do. Should I wait it out and see if he comes around? He says that I’m important to him and he’s really fond of me. That’s good, for him to be fond of me. Right? I think he needs a little space to hang out and see if he’s ready to commit to a few days a week. We have really good sex, and I’d hate to lose that.

Confused in Connecticut

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Oct 11

Therapy Thursday

Dear Birdman and the Missus,
One of my buddies recently proposed to his girlfriend.  They have been dating for just under 2 years, and I was actually the one to introduce the two of them (I had a girlfriend at the time, saw her, and basically threw the two of them together).  But after they started dating, I realized that I strongly disliked her for her immature demeanor and manipulative ways.  My buddy moved in with her, and I never really expressed my dislike for her, as it didn’t really seem my place.  He asked me to be his best man, and it is at this point that I feel a strong impulse to say something to him.  Because if I was really his best man, shouldn’t I have said something two years ago?  And if I let him go through with it, what the hell am I supposed to say for my speech?
Sincerely,
Worst Best Man

Dear Worst,

You seem like a very nice guy, so I am going to give you the benefit of my own mistakes.  You have to look at this from your buddy’s point of view.  He’s found a woman who he loves, and who lets him have sex with her on an at least semi-regular schedule.  This is choice, and if it is to be the mother of all mistakes, he’ll figure that out soon enough.  Unfortunately for you, you are going to have to sit this one out in the sidelines until it all goes down eventually.  You can take your friend aside and finally come clean that you think his lady is manipulative and immature, but you aren’t going to get a friendly pat on the back for it.  In fact, you may very well alienate him and cause him to feel like he has to choose between your friendship and his fiancé.  I don’t think I have to tell you which way he’s likely to go on that choice. Continue reading