Listen here, folks, I have something to say about the recent hateful comments that have been made against facial hair.
I am no stranger to beard hate, in fact, you might say that I thrive on it. You see, when I was in high school, I grew two, dime-sized tufts of beard, one on each side of my chin. I thought it was pretty cool that at the age of 14, I was finally becoming a man. Sadly, the rest of the school, and my family, was not as receptive to my new found manliness as I was, so I underwent a good deal of taunting. I’m sure a lesser man would have been crippled by the sheer brutality of the jeers and lambasting that I had to endure, but I just kept my cool, vowing to emerge a bearded wonder of the world.
Fast forward several years, to when I could finally grow a thicket on my leathery face, but the women were always using it as an excuse to not have sex with me. I decided to shave it off in the interest of casual sex, or even a kiss, but lo and behold, it turns out that smoking cigarettes was also a turn off. I quit smoking, tried again, and was thwarted for what would be the third of several attempts to have the intercourse. When I had finally quit every bad habit I had, I was presented with the option to bump uglies with a lovely lass from a place that shall not be named. I was told that we should go out for drinks, and then to my place, so I cleaned the joint up and got the dead groundhog smell out of the bedroom, (don’t ask) to impress this grey eyed beauty. We went out and she drank several double Grand Marniers (at $11 a pop), before making out and leaving with… A BEARDED FUCKING MAN. So to all of you naysayers and beard sceptics who say that I shouldn’t grow a beard, I say: “Ok Baby, I won’t grow one when I’m near you, but any time I get a chance to show off my lumberjack look, I’m taking it”
Ladies, love yourselves a moustachioud man this Movember, and let him tickle your fancy with it. When he’s done, slip a sawbuck into his pocket, and donate a couple more to his Mo space. He’ll thank you, men’s cancer research will thank you, but most of all, that itch will be scratched and you can put those fantasies about Magnum to rest.
Don’t tell your old man that I told you to do that,