May 13

Gene Simmons, Prince, And Media Bullshit

Birdman

First off, I understand that I am media. I just don’t really count my thirty eight subscribers as a media audience to be reckoned with. For the record, you could be number thirty nine if you click the subscribe button in the top left sidebar. It’s just a thought. A really good thought.

Don’t get me wrong, you are all awesome, even if some of you have died and others have been incarcerated, but I just don’t think that what I do here counts for much out there in the real world of media.

So now onto the horrible Gene Simmons and the saintly Prince, whom Gene has so wrongfully smote1)smitten? with his words.

Now I have never been a soldier in the KISS Army, but I have owned several of their cassettes, CDs, and their Oscar worthy KISS eXposed.

I always found them entertaining and intelligent, but never really cared too much about what they had to say concerning anything. They are rock stars and smart businessmen. End of story.

Well, until I saw all kinds of headlines about Gene Simmons and his comments about Prince and drugs. Shit like, but not limited to:

GENE SIMMONS: DAVID BOWIE’S DEATH WAS TRAGIC, PRINCE’S WAS PATHETIC

newsweek.com

Gene Simmons calls Prince’s death ‘pathetic’

ew.com

Gene Simmons on Prince: ‘How Pathetic That He Killed Himself’

rollingstone.com

That’s just three of them, but you get the picture. This all comes from the newsweek.com interview with Gene Simmons where he said things like, but not limited to:

“I think Prince was heads, hands and feet above all the rest of them. I thought he left [Michael] Jackson in the dust. Prince was way beyond that. But how pathetic that he killed himself. Don’t kid yourself, that’s what he did. Slowly, I’ll grant you… but that’s what drugs and alcohol is: a slow death.”

and

“Bowie was the most tragic of all because it was real sickness,” Simmons tells Newsweek. “All the other ones were a choice.” Even Prince? “His drugs killed him. What do you think, he died from a cold?”

and

The one question I have is: When we all start out and we have these big dreams and you finally get your wish—you have more money than God and fame—what is that insane gene in us, well, a lot of us, that makes us want to succumb to the cliché of clichés: drugs and alcohol?

You get the picture, right? I want to throw this in for you to ruminate on.

gene04

I have no idea if this is how he meant it, but he’s a smart guy. I would imagine he understands pathos.

Now, I don’t think that he’s 100% correct in most of this, but come on. It’s Gene Simmons’ fucking opinion. He’s allowed to have one, and so are you, but nobody should give a shit about either of them. Who cares what anybody thinks about Prince’s death? He’s gone, and left a shitload of great music for us to enjoy until we succumb to whatever the fuck kills us too.

(In my opinion, this is his greatest hits CD)

The thing that bothered me the most about all of this shit was the headlines. They were only made to get a rise out of everyone. Just to get clicks. Plain and simple.

Now, I am not above trying to sneak a link in here and hope someone buys something from Amazon through the site, but I have never been able to skew things to try and get people to click on my posts because I am playing with their emotions. I could have named this post something like “Gene Simmons Is Celebrating. Prince Is Dead”

Probably would have got a lot of folks in here with something like that, but I couldn’t do it with a clear conscience. How can reputable media outlets like Newsweek and Rolling Stone do it? They know the context in which it was said, so why would they try and trap a bunch of idiots with a misleading headline?

I have an idea.

Guess where these came from?

I'll give you a hint. It isn't from Google+

I’ll give you a hint. It isn’t from Google+.

Or Twitter, but those fuckers are just as bad now.

Or Twitter, but those fuckers are just as bad now. P.S. Fuck Nikki Sixx

Definitely not LinkedIn.

Definitely not LinkedIn.

If you guessed Facebook, you are the wiener.

This shit is just perfect for the clicky, emotional hordes on the old FB.

Gene Simmons said what? Fuck him and his stupid pornstar wife. Who made him God? I hope he ODs on valiums. Fucking asshole.2)Tidbits of things I saw when I looked at FB

BTW, nobody made him God. If they did there would be proof that he exists, and we know that ain’t happening yet. 😉

Anyhow, quit clicking on things that make you mad, unless you are going to actually read everything before you share it and comment. You will save yourself a lot of people calling you an idiot under their breath. Unless your friends are just as dumb. If that’s the case, click and share as much as possible. You’ll be the most smartest one on the block, and everyone will follow your lead.

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. smitten?
2. Tidbits of things I saw when I looked at FB
Nov 07

Therapy Thursday

newtherapythursday

Dear Therapy Thursday:

What’s crackalackin’? Haha that’s a funny saying. Okay.

I’m not accustomed to asking for advice, but I’m in a bit of a pickle.

You see, I like to party. A lot. The problem is who I party with. Every time I am taking a haul off of a doobie, or playing vodka pong, one of my buddies is snapping a pic or shooting some video. I’m sure that they would never betray me, but it still puts me on edge. My brother is really worried about it, but I keep telling him I have it under control. I told him that my friends are real steady guys and would never say anything about me drinking and doing a bit of dope to take the edge off. I guess he just worries because I’m the baby and he’s seen me in action before.

My problem is that I have a pretty important job that requires a lot of critical thinking and the people that I rule oversee don’t really like me very much, so I’ve been really hitting it hard for the past year or so. We’ve been able to turn people’s heads by deflecting attention and the occasional white lie, but they are really starting to watch me now.

Okay, I might have smoked something a bit stronger than hash on a video, and it may or may not have been leaked and stolen. It looks like I might lose my job, but I really really don’t want to. It’s super easy and I can do it mostly from my cell phone in the car. (Don’t worry, I’m getting a bluetooth soon.) I just wish people would leave me alone for one more year. I really don’t know why, but my bro says that we need it to fulfil our agenda. Whatever the fuck that is.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah. I don’t want to quit my job or apologize for anything, but I also don’t want to get any help, because I really love getting hammered. It’s such a great feeling to be staggering along Danforth, sampling all kinds of different food. You know, those foreigners really can cook a mean souvlaki.

Oh yeah, the advice thing. I’m getting a lot of media attention now, and I’m well known for some of the most unflattering photos on the internet. What I need advice on is how to look a bit better in photographs. I’m what my doctor calls morbidly obese, but my friend “Al” says I’m cuddly. I’m pretty sure that I would trust a friend over a doctor any day, so please tell me how a cuddly guy should pose better for pictures.

Cracky McStuperton

Birdman

Dear Cracky:

I’m going to come out and address the elephant in the room.

You have a substance abuse problem. Really.

It also sounds like you should take a break from whatever it is that you do and maybe go see a doctor, yogi, or whatever other person can get you healthy. You need to get your head clear before making any decisions that could affect other people’s lives. That’s just the decent thing to do.

You want to do the right thing, don’t you?

I’m sure you do, but in your booze addled brain, you just keep digging your hole deeper. Don’t you want to be free?

If you just tell everyone the truth, with heartfelt humility, people will forgive you. They won’t probably want you in their lives, but at least they will be able to view you as more than just a lying piece of dog shit. You can rebuild from there, but only if you’re totally honest.

You will feel like two thousand pounds was lifted from your shoulders.

Anyhow, I’m going to refer you to Mrs. Birdman for the photo thing. It’s kind of what she does.

Trouble ahead, trouble behind, and you know that notion just crossed my mind,

Birdman

wpid-fromthedesk.jpeg

Dear Cracky,

I understand your panicky interest in being photographed in an unflattering manner.  If you are like most men, you have never actually been photographed in a flattering light, so it’s curious that you care all of a sudden.  Regardless, I am going to give you a few tips.

CaptureLets start with clothing.  Avoid white shirts with belted pants if you are paunchy,  that transition never goes well. A smart jacket over everything will make you feel at least a few pounds lighter, even if it does add to your considerable (I suspect) bulk.

Another thing to remember is that you should always try to avoid being photographed from unflattering angles. The only way to play it safe is to fall to the ground every time a camera approaches.  This way you will always be ‘looking up’ into the cameras lens, offering your slimmest angle.  Unfortunately you will also seem to have some sort of problem remaining upright, which may not be as beneficial for your career or work place productivity.  It’s really your call here.

Finally, try to remain as happy and pleasant with people as possible so you are always photographed with a lovely expression.  Considering the amount of narcotics you seem to consume, this shouldn’t be very challenging.

Good luck out there.  It sounds like you will need it.  :S

Mrs. B

SmartyTalks

My friend Baby Doc texted me to bring some friends down to Haiti and he will let us stay with him if we help him with a coup. He must have a bunch of chickens running wild at his place or something. I met him in Quebec I think. I don’t know, people were smoking and talking French, but it did seem like a long plane ride. He was always surrounded by broads and he had the best blow, so I was like “Chickens and coke? I’m already there. Let’s get this party jumping”

Dude, you should totally come with.

Smarty

P.S. I know you’ve heard it before, but we are doing the Movember thing, so if you could stop by and have a look at our band of miscreants, we would love it. 🙂

Sep 05

Therapy Thursday

TherapyThursdaybanner

Dear Therapy Thursday:

I’m a recently single woman, just a shade over fifty, still kinda cute and a little out of shape, but still can do a cartwheel in a skirt. I’ve been out of circulation for such a long time and I am just getting back into the dating scene.  I want to know where to go to “get my walls plastered”, so to speak.  I’m not looking for a geezer and I don’t want some guy so young I can say, “Come to Grandma”.  I want to know what it takes to catch a man’s eye, hold his interests and make him smile.

Old Bag wants a new Trick

mindofbirdman

Dear Old Bag,

Have you thought of going to the nunnery and giving your life to the lord?

No? Well you should.

Seriously though, you need to explain what it is that you want. Is it a place to get your walls plastered, or do you want to capture the attention of a certain man? If it’s the walls plastered, then you will want to talk to Smarty about that, but if you are trying to snag a lunker you can talk to me.

Now, I suppose we should find out what sort of man you are looking for. This is essential if we are to know where to find him. I will list a few types and the necessary info. What you do with it is your business.

  1. The Simple Man – You should do yourself up like Reba, incorporate Duck Dynasty and/or Larry The Cable Guy quotes into your everyday speech patterns, and do a lot of browsing around at Bass Pro Shops or TSC.
  2. The Hipster – You should steal a homeless man’s clothes, recite slam poems, and hangout at small coffee shops or organic microbreweries. Bonus points if you haven’t brushed your hair or washed your armpits for two weeks.
  3. The Douchebag – You can wear anything, say anything, and go anywhere. If you have two or more tits and a heartbeat, these pricks will find you, lie to you, and most likely fuck you up for the next guy that comes along.
  4. The Nice Guy – You can wear anything, say anything, and go anywhere. If he really likes you, he’ll make it known to you. There won’t be any cheesy pickup lines, empty promises, or lies to get you into bed. You will have sex with him because it would seem a shame not to.
  5. The Nerd – Do a little cosplay, speak in elven, Klingon, or almost any code, and hang out at hobby shops, Comicon, or his mother’s basement.

These very useless points are my advice to you. It may seem like I didn’t take your question seriously, but I did. There is no set way to capture a man’s fancy, but if you just be yourself, you will find that whatever man finds and loves you, will love you for you, and will do it unconditionally. These are things I know to be true. It doesn’t matter if you are a sneaky bitch or a pure-hearted girl next door, if you are true to yourself, you’ll find someone who loves you. You just might not like who they are.

Birdman

SmartyTalks

Dear Bag:

Holy fuck, I will plaster, prime, and sand your walls for a minimal fee. I don’t care one iota if you even shower or brush your tooth; I will ride that fat ass of yours right to the wire if the price is right.

As for doing cartwheels in a skirt, if you are doing them without panties on, I will gladly return any fees that you may have incurred from past sexual liaisons with me or my colleague Puerto Rico Paulie. The catch is that you have to let us video record the cartwheels for a minimum of eighteen minutes. Some people just love that shit.

I’m not sure where you live, but some of the best places to get laid around here are liquor serving establishments. I know, it freaked me out too, but the consensus is in and it looks like walking into a bar and announcing that you are horny is the best way for a woman to get the sexual intercourse going for herself.

Another option is a crack house, but it’s mostly the risk that gets me off there. There’s just something magical about not knowing when somebody is going to snap or the cops are going to bust through the door.

You could also just get yourself the Fist of Adonis and beat the everloving piss out of your old leather mitt every night. That’s the gift that keeps on giving in my opinion.

fist-of-adonis1

I have no idea why you’d need different colours.

Smarty

Jul 04

Therapy Thursday

Hey! I forgot to do the Guardian Bell giveaway on the first post, so we are doing it now. You might as well go to www.guardianbell.com and pick out the bell you want, then put the name of your bell in a comment on this post.

 

newtherapythursday

 

Dear Therapy Thursday:

First wasband* down. Separated over a year with a child whose loving and caring for is a hands on job. I currently share expenses and custody. Did I mention that we still share a house? We are actually friends. Communal hippie living without the sex. For reals. It isn’t viable financially for me to afford my own space. I work full time, am edumacated  but underemployed living in a location that offers little opportunity and high cost of living. Yes, one of those beautiful places.

*

It's from urbandictionary.com, so you know it's true.

It’s from urbandictionary.com, so you know it’s true.

As it stands, I’m not down with being judged as a narcissistic parent looking to alienate a father and make everyone adhere to my agenda but I am aiming for more lucrative jobs in more affordable cities. An offer would include a long distance relocation with my son as I deserve the opportunity for equal earning power as opposed to battling for a settlement from a smaller pie to establish a second residence and merely exist.

As such, I have been pondering a potential journey back to my roots. Been far away from the homeland for half of my life. I’m applying where opportunities exist in the nearby urban centres. It would also present an opportunity for my son to get to know my family.

Did I mention this locale also affords me fantastic sex and love, love, love and shit, in what could only be dubbed as the high school bro-mance that never happened?

I know what you’re thinking. What a selfish bitch. Of course my son’s feelings are valid and consequential. As are his father’s. I take none of this lightly but I am not willing to stifle opportunity to keep peace in the house nonetheless.

Yes, after hanging out, rubbing uglies and plenty of lurid texting, I have a desire to be a part of the moment with a homeboy, not just remember, how he looks when he crinkles his nose at me or arches an eyebrow. That kind of shit takes a lifetime. And if you find someone who’s willing to invest that time, it’s a lifetime well spent.

The delusional cougar in me wonders why I’m a fool if I just do it for love but if I get the dream job then it’s okay because it’s about the money. Thoughts?

Betty

mindofbirdman

Hey Betty:

Wow, it sounds like you’re in a pickle. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I guess you just have to look deeper into your choices to be able to figure out your best move. I assume that this move will be in the vicinity of an airport, so maybe there is a possibility of your child flying to visit their father. I’m not sure of age limits, but I know people that put their kids on Air Canada with special provisions. The flight attendants sort of look after them for a nominal fee. You could look into that as a viable alternative, if your “dream job” affords you that sort of opportunity.

I know that I once dated a woman that couldn’t leave the province we were in, because the father of her child wouldn’t allow his son to be that far away. I suppose she could have went to court and fought it, but in reality, we weren’t going to last that long, so I discouraged the shit out of that idea.

As for the love thing, I think that you need to pursue the things in life that make you happy. I would, and have, travelled across the country for the possibility of finding true happiness.

Twice they were failed attempts, but the last one wasn’t, so if there is a chance for you to get even a slice of the love, happiness, and sheer bliss that I got on this last go-round, I would say that you should pack that kid up and head back home. Take a month or so this summer to at least try it. Your ex can live that long without his kid, and maybe would finally have time to bang all of those college girls he’s been dreaming about since school’s been done. (we all have) Fuck legality, and take the plunge, because you never know when a chance like this will come along again.

Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again,

Birdman

fromthedesk

That's my advice.

That’s my advice.

Mrs. B

SmartyTalks

Have you ever thought about getting your ex arrested for heroin trafficking or sex slave trading? It’s actually real easy and it pretty much allows you to do what you want with the kid for at least until he’s out of prison. Send me his address and I’ll get to work on making it happen.

Smarty

P.S. I’m also gonna need about $4000 and a gun.

 

May 30

Therapy Thursday

newtherapythursday

I am contemplating going to a new job. More money. Bonuses. Overtime. Same hours. Not as mentally challenging but much more physical. Problem is, I am scared to death about being discriminated against because I am transgender. I don’t plan on announcing it to everyone, but I can’t quite “pass” as a male yet. I know there are laws to protect me. As the old saying goes “Sticks and stones.”, but words can still hurt. Got any good advice for me?

Dustin

(Editor’s note: Dustin blogs at Becoming Oliver, so go check it out. He talks about a lot of shit there. Well, a few weeks ago he was. Sometimes he’s lazy, like me.)

birdmandesk

Dear Dustin:

Do I? Fuck yeah, I have all kinds of advice, but first tell me if you have one of these?

logoshot

They're sippy cups for people who enjoy giving people heart attacks.

They’re sippy cups for people who enjoy giving other people heart attacks.

(photos from http://www.theselfmademen.com/ )

It would sure make me think you were a dude if I was standing next to you at a urinal. Well, unless you used the really dark one. That might give it away.

Anyhow, I don’t have any advice, other than to tell you that money doesn’t matter. If you love your job, and you were doing okay there, I personally wouldn’t take a job that you aren’t sure about just because it’s paying a bit better.

Now, that being said, if you don’t love the job you’re at right now, then what the fuck? You might as well try the new one. It may be your dream job, but even if it’s not, you have some added security until you do find what you’re looking for. The benefits might even cover some of the incidentals when you have your surgery. They sure can’t hurt, right?

Do what you feel is right. You still have that shithead supervisor? That’s something to take into account. I’m sure there will be a shithead at your new job, should you take it, but you are going to find them at every job you go to. I think that your gut will lead you in the right direction. Mine’s leading me to the bottom of this bag of Crispers.

Whatever you do will be an adventure, and we wish you the best.

Plays for keeps and try to never lose, live it fast but live the life you choose,

Birdman

SmartyTalks

Dear Duster,

Fuck that shit. Jobs are for suckers. You sure as fuck won’t catch me doing one, because I live the dream.

That’s right, I’m my own boss, and last year my company did better than General Motors. I work when I want, party all fucking day, and still have time left in my schedule to meet friends for coffee at night.

It’s such a great gig, but it’s hard to do it by myself, so I’ve been thinking I could really use another key person in my organisation. Someone who is smart.

There are lots of smart people looking for work, right? The problem is that I also need someone I can trust. Someone who isn’t going to piss away what I’ve worked so hard for.

I could use someone like you, but you probably aren’t interested.

You might be? Well don’t worry. It isn’t something shady like Amway or Primerica. This is a good, respectable job that could turn a tidy profit for the right person.

I think that person is you. You have what it takes.

You get to be your own boss, make your own hours, and you get to bang all sorts of hotties.

M

Maybe hotties was a poor choice of words.

Plus you get to stay in motels a lot.

It's great, because you don't have to pay for a whole night if you're just going to be there for a few hours.

It’s great, because you don’t have to pay for a whole night if you’re just going to be there for an hour.

I’m telling you, once you get some decent clients that pay upfront, you’ll be living the life of Riley. Not from the old radio show, but Riley, the guy who sometimes has to do collections for me. He drives a Lincoln. Yep, a real Lincoln.

Anyhow, if you like a bit of adventure in your career, give me a call and I’ll get your cubicle all set up for you.

If this is too cramped, there is a bigger one coming available in a few days.

If this is too cramped, there is a bigger one coming available in a few days.

Well the Dealer was a killer; he was evil and mean and he was jealous of the fire in her eye,

Smarty