Nov 12

The Shavedown – Part 2

MOBROS

So when we left off from Part 1, I was injured, but given a handful of first aid towel from the washroom to hold on the wound.

All right, the bleeding should stop soon. Who's next?

All right, the bleeding should stop soon. Who’s next?

I'm not backing out the door. Getting shaved by a drunk guy with a rusty razor seems awesome.

I’m not backing out the door. Getting shaved by a drunk guy with a rusty razor seems awesome.

He was totally backing out the door. Tweezle called him on it and shamed him into coming back in. I finished my shave while he was lathering up for his turn. It was hard to stand beside him and pretend I had shaved people before. Truth is, this was the first time I’d ever actually held a straight razor and I didn’t want him to be nervous.

I don't do things half assed.

This is probably as awesome as he suspected it would be.

Well, here goes. You have to learn somehow, right? I figured I’d trim up around his eyes first. Why else would you have shaving cream on your forehead? Continue reading

Nov 07

Therapy Thursday

newtherapythursday

Dear Therapy Thursday:

What’s crackalackin’? Haha that’s a funny saying. Okay.

I’m not accustomed to asking for advice, but I’m in a bit of a pickle.

You see, I like to party. A lot. The problem is who I party with. Every time I am taking a haul off of a doobie, or playing vodka pong, one of my buddies is snapping a pic or shooting some video. I’m sure that they would never betray me, but it still puts me on edge. My brother is really worried about it, but I keep telling him I have it under control. I told him that my friends are real steady guys and would never say anything about me drinking and doing a bit of dope to take the edge off. I guess he just worries because I’m the baby and he’s seen me in action before.

My problem is that I have a pretty important job that requires a lot of critical thinking and the people that I rule oversee don’t really like me very much, so I’ve been really hitting it hard for the past year or so. We’ve been able to turn people’s heads by deflecting attention and the occasional white lie, but they are really starting to watch me now.

Okay, I might have smoked something a bit stronger than hash on a video, and it may or may not have been leaked and stolen. It looks like I might lose my job, but I really really don’t want to. It’s super easy and I can do it mostly from my cell phone in the car. (Don’t worry, I’m getting a bluetooth soon.) I just wish people would leave me alone for one more year. I really don’t know why, but my bro says that we need it to fulfil our agenda. Whatever the fuck that is.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah. I don’t want to quit my job or apologize for anything, but I also don’t want to get any help, because I really love getting hammered. It’s such a great feeling to be staggering along Danforth, sampling all kinds of different food. You know, those foreigners really can cook a mean souvlaki.

Oh yeah, the advice thing. I’m getting a lot of media attention now, and I’m well known for some of the most unflattering photos on the internet. What I need advice on is how to look a bit better in photographs. I’m what my doctor calls morbidly obese, but my friend “Al” says I’m cuddly. I’m pretty sure that I would trust a friend over a doctor any day, so please tell me how a cuddly guy should pose better for pictures.

Cracky McStuperton

Birdman

Dear Cracky:

I’m going to come out and address the elephant in the room.

You have a substance abuse problem. Really.

It also sounds like you should take a break from whatever it is that you do and maybe go see a doctor, yogi, or whatever other person can get you healthy. You need to get your head clear before making any decisions that could affect other people’s lives. That’s just the decent thing to do.

You want to do the right thing, don’t you?

I’m sure you do, but in your booze addled brain, you just keep digging your hole deeper. Don’t you want to be free?

If you just tell everyone the truth, with heartfelt humility, people will forgive you. They won’t probably want you in their lives, but at least they will be able to view you as more than just a lying piece of dog shit. You can rebuild from there, but only if you’re totally honest.

You will feel like two thousand pounds was lifted from your shoulders.

Anyhow, I’m going to refer you to Mrs. Birdman for the photo thing. It’s kind of what she does.

Trouble ahead, trouble behind, and you know that notion just crossed my mind,

Birdman

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Dear Cracky,

I understand your panicky interest in being photographed in an unflattering manner.  If you are like most men, you have never actually been photographed in a flattering light, so it’s curious that you care all of a sudden.  Regardless, I am going to give you a few tips.

CaptureLets start with clothing.  Avoid white shirts with belted pants if you are paunchy,  that transition never goes well. A smart jacket over everything will make you feel at least a few pounds lighter, even if it does add to your considerable (I suspect) bulk.

Another thing to remember is that you should always try to avoid being photographed from unflattering angles. The only way to play it safe is to fall to the ground every time a camera approaches.  This way you will always be ‘looking up’ into the cameras lens, offering your slimmest angle.  Unfortunately you will also seem to have some sort of problem remaining upright, which may not be as beneficial for your career or work place productivity.  It’s really your call here.

Finally, try to remain as happy and pleasant with people as possible so you are always photographed with a lovely expression.  Considering the amount of narcotics you seem to consume, this shouldn’t be very challenging.

Good luck out there.  It sounds like you will need it.  :S

Mrs. B

SmartyTalks

My friend Baby Doc texted me to bring some friends down to Haiti and he will let us stay with him if we help him with a coup. He must have a bunch of chickens running wild at his place or something. I met him in Quebec I think. I don’t know, people were smoking and talking French, but it did seem like a long plane ride. He was always surrounded by broads and he had the best blow, so I was like “Chickens and coke? I’m already there. Let’s get this party jumping”

Dude, you should totally come with.

Smarty

P.S. I know you’ve heard it before, but we are doing the Movember thing, so if you could stop by and have a look at our band of miscreants, we would love it. 🙂

Nov 06

The Year I Got Drunk On Halloween

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I know, that’s every year.

Remember how Gadget and Penny have a Halloween party every year? Remember how we always take all kinds of pictures? Not so much this year. Luckily Mrs. Stick was there to snap a few gooders so we can at least have a post. Thanks Mrs. Stick!

Apparently X marks the spot. Start digging, ladies.

She’s the one with the boobs.

You see, I got so drunk last year that I left with only one shoe and had my head hanging out the door for most of the ride home. This year I was going to be way more smarter than that. I had devised a surefire plan to not get so sick.

I would just drink shots.

Genius, right?

Sure, I would have a beer in hand to nurse on, but for the most part I would just do shots. Mostly because the people there force you to drink them, but also because I’m one of those people. The forcers.

Just during the “meetings” though. If you aren’t in a meeting nobody will force you to drink anything. Well, they might try it upstairs, but there are places for you to run. Downstairs is a different story. The bar is right beside the stairwell, so as soon as you go down there, you can’t get back up without doing a shot of everything on the bar. These rules are enforced by Tweezle, Gadget, and everyone else in the basement and there is absolutely no breaking the rules. Continue reading

Aug 26

Saturday Night’s All Right

mindofbirdman

My cousin Ryan got married on the weekend and I was invited to share in his special day. I should probably say our special day, because for a few reasons I felt really happy and uplifted there.

For one thing, one of my favourite people in the world was at the wedding, and she got to ring the final bell at her chemo clinic on Friday. When I read Steph’s post, I immediately got weepy with tears of happiness for her family. They were kind of like the tears I’m crying now, only more of them and I wasn’t lounging in my underwear.

photo credit - John Bevan

photo credit – John Bevan

Anyone who knows Judy will tell you that she is one of the brightest lights in any room. Her smile is so warm and inviting that you can’t help but want to give her a hug, and if you get the chance, I highly recommend it. She hugs from the heart, that one.

I really don’t remember her when I was a kid, but as soon as I started hanging out in town she made herself known to me. I can’t remember the exact moment, but there was probably a party going on and she most likely said something like ” Oh I know who you are, Chris Bird. I used to live down the street from your mother. I also know your father and if you’re anything like he was, you’d better stay away from my daughters.”

I instantly had a crush on her. Still do, to be quite honest, and I know I’m not the only one. She’s a beautiful soul that’s wrapped in a beautiful shell, and I’m so glad that she’s going to be making the world a better place for a while longer.

Here’s to you, Jude. Keep smiling and we’ll keep smiling with you.

Another reason I was glad to be there was because I got to sit with my Aunt Audrey. She’s my Nana’s sister, and has always been a big part of our lives. We used to go across the field from Nan’s house and through the back gate to visit and swim in their pool. This was before the strip mall and the Sir Sandford building was there, so there were no obstructions in our way. She was always home. I guess we wouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t, but Uncle Mike was usually out somewhere being busy. He was really good at finding things to do. There was the odd time that you’d catch him home at lunch or something and that was always a treat, because he was one of those really loud guys with all kinds of jokes. He would keep me laughing with all of his crazy sayings and facial expressions as he listened to the old bitties talking. He was one of those guys that had a huge heart that matched his voice, so when Ryan and Danielle lit a candle for him during their ceremony, it brought a big smile to my face.

Chips off the old block.

Chips off the old block.

I really miss seeing him around when I go over for a visit or drive by the lot where I’d sometimes find him working on something or the other.

Anyhow, let’s not think about that, because this was a night of happiness and celebration, and Uncle Mike sure wouldn’t want anybody sniffling over him. We should just be thankful that we knew him at all.

Oh, I got to also hang out with two beautiful ladies that landed me in shit with the local liquor authority when they lured me outside for some fresh air. The dude who is in charge of making sure people aren’t drinking out of the venue told us we had to take our drinks back inside. I’m glad he nailed us and not the forty other people that were scattered around the parking lot drinking beer out of their trunks. He had to have seen them, but I suppose we were the easy targets as we were standing at the door, and at least he could feel like he was doing his job.

Normally I’d be pissed at the interruption, but seeing as it didn’t seem to be going anywhere with those two ;), so I welcomed the chance to sit down again and wait for the beautiful bride and groom to return from their photos.

This is almost too cute.

This is almost too cute.

Giddy up!

Giddy up!

Here’s to you, Ryan and Danielle. Thanks for letting me share the night with you and your fine friends and family, and what I hope are many years to come. When you marry your best friend, you have already made it farther than most. Congratulations.

After the wedding, I had to skedaddle over to Mr. and Mrs. Brady’s wedding reception at Shifter’s place. Things were in full swing when I arrived, so I was able to blend seamlessly into the food table where I enjoyed the fruits of many people’s labour.

Now that's a pretty smile.

Would you look at that pretty smile.

I had a great time shooting the shit with Stella and her pole dancing friend, and by the time Dora and Swiper were having a pong off for “favours” (he won), I knew the night had better come to a close soon. I don’t know exactly how many jello shots I had for dessert, but I knew it was too many to drive, so we crashed in the trailer with Jack there to make sure nobody tried to sneak up on us. I guess someone must have tried at around 5:30, because he was sure barking and letting us know that he heard something.

They say that karma’s a bitch, but looking back at all of the friends I’ve made over the years, I’d say that that’s not always the case. Yet.

Blame it all on my roots, I showed up in boots, and ruined your black tie affair,

Birdman

 

Aug 20

Remember When We Raced Down The River?

birdmandesk

Well, I did a photo recount for Aiming Low and they published it! Yayyyyy for me.

What are you waiting for? Go click the link. Hurry. Make them glad to have hired me.

(Please don’t make me beg, because I will.)

On that note, we should have a splendid post for you later this week, because we received some Therapy Thursday questions/problems. I love it when our readers are fucked in the head. :P.

What I need from you guys is a direction to take. Who do you want to answer it? You can choose from Mrs. Birdman, with all of her common sense; Me, with a little bit of common sense; or Smarty, with almost zero common sense, and probably more vices than Nick Nolte. You can choose two, because, come on, we need some sort of balance here.

Leave a comment somewhere that I’ll find it, and I’ll see you bastards on Thursday.

Maybe. If I get chosen that is.

I want you (I want you), I need you (I need you), but there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you,

Birdman