Jan 16

Remember The Good Old Days?

mindofbirdman

When I would do stream of consciousness posts all the time? I was writing every day, and seemingly had enough to say that I could keep on going forever. I probably should keep on doing that, because now that I’ve slowed down to a few times a week, I’ve gotten lazy. Not the good lazy, where you lay on the couch and eat Munchos while scratching your crotch lovingly with your whole hand, but the kind where you rack your brain for shit to write about while playing Pirates on G+ and look for funny shit to put on the FB page. Which, by the way has almost 900 peeps now. (Thanks, Mo)

Yeah, I know it's not much to most people, but I'm pretty proud of it.

Yeah, I know it’s not much to most people, but I’m pretty proud of it.

I need to get back to the way shit was. I’ve become complacent in my belief that blogging is exhausting. It’s maybe exhausting when you can’t think of something to write about, but when you just write, things just seem to end up on the page. Crazy, huh?

One thing that’s been bugging me lately is the Sun Media posts that keep ending up in my feed. Canada’s answer to Fox News, is all it is. I’m so sick of partisan news media that it makes me want to stand on my own nuts. Why does there have to be a spin on everything? Continue reading

Jan 03

Can You Vote For My Dog/Baby/Story?

mindofbirdman

Nope. I sure won’t.

Come on, you all get the messages, don’t you?

“I really want to win this free photoshoot from PetPhotoPro, but I need 45 more votes to get past the current leader. Please go and vote for Sparky. Here’s the link http://??????????????????????????”

or

“I entered myself in a funny picture contest on so and so’s FB page to win a year’s supply of candles. WHO DOESN’T LOVE CANDLES? Please go and vote for ME so I can get all of those CANDLES!!!!!”

As far as I know, Kokimo has never done a stupid Facebook contest, but I thought I'd take the time to promote a local business that's had great success because of superior products.

As far as I know, Kokimo has never done a stupid Facebook contest, but I thought I’d take the time to promote a local business that’s had great success because of superior products.                             Image source: www.kokimo.com

Continue reading

Dec 10

How To Properly Shag A Sheep

(editor’s note – This is a fun post, and by no means should it be taken seriously. Click Here if you don’t have a sense of humour about zoophilia. Okay then, no complaining.)

I remember talking to someone over the weekend, and whatever we were talking about made me want to write a post about it. I said as much, and stored it away for Sunday night, but when the time came to type it out, I couldn’t remember what I was going to write about.

Luckily I have Facebook and was able to ask if anyone there remembered what I was going to blog about. No sooner than I asked, I got a response from Brad. He said it was either about how people can defeat the plutocracy, or how to sneak up on a sheep when you’re drunk and horny.

Thanks, Brad!

Seeing as I don’t even know what a plutocracy is, I guess you are going to learn about raping farm animals and how to properly tamp down your shame with morbid poetry and self-inflicted glass cuts.

Yes it is, and no they don’t. They don’t even like getting laid by other sheep, as if your tiny pecker is going to do it for them. If you are human, and you fuck an animal, you are a rapist in every sense of the word.

Yeah, but what about if she fucks me? Then it’s okay, right?

You deserve to be thunderfucked by the ram for being so stupid. No means no, and because you don’t understand sheep language, you can’t know for sure that it’s consensual. That would be like me forcing myself on random Taiwanese women, and because I don’t speak their language, using the defence that I thought they were saying yes. They weren’t.

No one, except sometimes my wife, willingly has sex with me. Continue reading

Dec 05

Is This It?

Is this what we’ve been living for? Money, power, to have the most shit?

I look around me and I am truly frightened by what I see. Maybe I’m wrong, but it’s as if no one cares anymore. I think it has been coming since the 50’s, kind of when people started forgetting about The Great Depression. I guess I shouldn’t say that no one cares, but no one listens to the people who do. Some of the greatest minds of our time have been pointing and saying “This needs to be fixed.”, but everyone just shrugs and thinks that those people are radicals, and they go back to doing whatever they were told to do, by their friends, boss, parents, the media, etc…

I’m sure it does have a nice ride. Hopefully it tosses your salad on the way home as well.

No one wants to listen to the people who say that things need to change. They like how things are going. They like to have such a huge debt load that they feel like hanging themselves when a stack of bills comes in all at once. It’s alright, because in three years the Range Rover will be paid for and then they’ll have an extra $1100 a month, so they should be okay. Well, as long as no one loses their job, the now un-warrantied Range Rover doesn’t break down, or some other hardship befalls them. Then they’re screwed.

Well, I wonder if anyone is paying attention now? George Carlin doesn’t look like such a troublemaker anymore, does he? Frank Zappa’s insane ramblings are maybe not as crazy as you once thought. Most people have been prioritizing things all of their life, but where do you even start nowadays? Continue reading

Nov 30

I Saw The Sign, And It Opened Up My Eyes (and a whole other kettle of fish)

If I remember correctly it was around the summer of 1993 when Bugsy asked me if I wanted to go to a keg party with these chicks he had met at Trudeau Park. He’ll recall the story better, but I’m telling it, so you get my version.

I said that I’d go with him on the four hour drive to Ottawa, where we would meet up with these sisters that he was all googly-eyed over. What the fuck? I didn’t have anything better to do A trip to Ottawa, a keg, sisters. What could go wrong?

I think his was fancier than this, like maybe it had a hood scoop and some ground effects.

He picked me up in what I assume was his Turbo Sprint,(He now tells me it was the Prelude) but please don’t quote me on that. Whichever vehicle it was, it got us there safely, but four hours of Ace of Base was a little much.

Anyhow, we arrived in Ottawa around 1PM or so I think, and I was happy to have some reprieve from that son of a bitching tape. We went into the backyard and this family was sitting there drinking a nice, warm keg of beer. I looked around for the party that was to be attached to the keg and thought we must be at the wrong house, because this was literally a family sitting there and getting hammered. There may have been two brothers and a sister; I don’t remember, but the point I’m trying to make is that it was not what most people would call a keg party. It was more like a family of alcoholics having a backyard cookout with no food. Continue reading