Feb 22

I’m Getting All Mouthy Again

mindofbirdman

Yep. Brandon from My Own Private Idaho was looking for guest posters, because he finds that he is getting a little swamped right now.

Hey Brandon, if you’d just hire a driver, you could write and post while in between cities. Problem solved, bitch, and you’re welcome. I’m a time manager. It’s what I do.

Well, until he gets his shit together, we shall continue on. If you remember, a few weeks ago, Brandon helped me out while Mrs. B and I were on vacation. He submitted a funny little piece on strengthening the bond between our countries and it was well received.

I wasn’t quite as kind to him. I chose to voice my opinion on religion!

I know, but when someone says that there are no rules except for no nudity or porn, I tend to do whatever the hell I want. Now, without further ado, here’s the post that you’ve heard so much about from me.

 

Feb 05

Leave It To Cleaver

mindofbirdman

I don’t even know how to start this, but it needs to be told, so I’m just going to go from the beginning.

I was on Facebook when I saw something come up from Armchair Patriots page in my little right sidebar thing that tells all of your secret conversations with fake Justing Bieber accounts. Don’t worry, I’m sure you weren’t the first to tell him you want to milk his prostate, and you surely won’t be the last. Because they always have funny and thought provoking content on there, and it said “This is fucking nuts” or something to that effect, I just clicked on it without actually looking to see what it was.

What they had shared was an article from The Blaze, and it was a story that was so fucked up, I couldn’t recite it to Mrs. B with a straight face. It’s really whacked out.

As wild as the story is, the news interview with Kai was the piece de resistance. It was so out there that I copied it from Youtube, so in case they took it down, I’d still have a copy to show you.

Here’s the full, uncensored interview in case you don’t want to read the article, but you do want to hear a fucking bizarre story and lots of swearing. There were a lot of people in the comments talking about how foul mouthed he is, and how he’s a piece of shit loser, but I thought the guy was fan-fucking-tabulous. I guess I’m partial to real people, be they flawed or not. I say the guy should get a free bag of weed, an old jeep, and some surfing gear for being awesome.

Right? He cleaved his motherfucking head right open, yo. That shit is fucked up. If Jesus was real, he certainly wouldn’t rape 14 year olds or masturbate in front of schools. He probably wouldn’t want to rid the world of all black people either. What would his reasoning be? They work too hard? He’s fucking Jesus, he don’t care about colour and shit. He’s the Prince of Peace. He wouldn’t snap a woman’s neck like a pencil stick.

I’m glad Kai was there to stop this whack job, and I’m glad he was using the sharp side of the hatchet. I would have brained him with the back or the flat side, but the blade works too, it’s actually the most effective.

Now, at the bottom of the article was a comment section, and it’s way better than mine. I think I need more Republican commenters or something. I took a couple of screen shots for your perusal, and also for some merriment.

Seriously. Pat Alexander is bananas. You know, because  "The Shit is bananas".

Seriously. Pat Alexander is bananas. You know, because the shit is bananas, or the bananas are the shit. Whatever.

 

Searching For The Truth? Not as much "The Shit\', as he is just plain shit.

Searching For The Truth? Not as much “The Shit’, as he is just plain shit.

That’s it for today, kids. If you have any Therapy Thursday stuff for us to figure out, please let us know. We want to help you so bad that it hurts.

We bury the hatchet, but leave the handle stickin’ out,

Birdman

Jan 16

Remember The Good Old Days?

mindofbirdman

When I would do stream of consciousness posts all the time? I was writing every day, and seemingly had enough to say that I could keep on going forever. I probably should keep on doing that, because now that I’ve slowed down to a few times a week, I’ve gotten lazy. Not the good lazy, where you lay on the couch and eat Munchos while scratching your crotch lovingly with your whole hand, but the kind where you rack your brain for shit to write about while playing Pirates on G+ and look for funny shit to put on the FB page. Which, by the way has almost 900 peeps now. (Thanks, Mo)

Yeah, I know it's not much to most people, but I'm pretty proud of it.

Yeah, I know it’s not much to most people, but I’m pretty proud of it.

I need to get back to the way shit was. I’ve become complacent in my belief that blogging is exhausting. It’s maybe exhausting when you can’t think of something to write about, but when you just write, things just seem to end up on the page. Crazy, huh?

One thing that’s been bugging me lately is the Sun Media posts that keep ending up in my feed. Canada’s answer to Fox News, is all it is. I’m so sick of partisan news media that it makes me want to stand on my own nuts. Why does there have to be a spin on everything? Continue reading

Jan 03

Can You Vote For My Dog/Baby/Story?

mindofbirdman

Nope. I sure won’t.

Come on, you all get the messages, don’t you?

“I really want to win this free photoshoot from PetPhotoPro, but I need 45 more votes to get past the current leader. Please go and vote for Sparky. Here’s the link http://??????????????????????????”

or

“I entered myself in a funny picture contest on so and so’s FB page to win a year’s supply of candles. WHO DOESN’T LOVE CANDLES? Please go and vote for ME so I can get all of those CANDLES!!!!!”

As far as I know, Kokimo has never done a stupid Facebook contest, but I thought I'd take the time to promote a local business that's had great success because of superior products.

As far as I know, Kokimo has never done a stupid Facebook contest, but I thought I’d take the time to promote a local business that’s had great success because of superior products.                             Image source: www.kokimo.com

Continue reading

Dec 10

How To Properly Shag A Sheep

(editor’s note – This is a fun post, and by no means should it be taken seriously. Click Here if you don’t have a sense of humour about zoophilia. Okay then, no complaining.)

I remember talking to someone over the weekend, and whatever we were talking about made me want to write a post about it. I said as much, and stored it away for Sunday night, but when the time came to type it out, I couldn’t remember what I was going to write about.

Luckily I have Facebook and was able to ask if anyone there remembered what I was going to blog about. No sooner than I asked, I got a response from Brad. He said it was either about how people can defeat the plutocracy, or how to sneak up on a sheep when you’re drunk and horny.

Thanks, Brad!

Seeing as I don’t even know what a plutocracy is, I guess you are going to learn about raping farm animals and how to properly tamp down your shame with morbid poetry and self-inflicted glass cuts.

Yes it is, and no they don’t. They don’t even like getting laid by other sheep, as if your tiny pecker is going to do it for them. If you are human, and you fuck an animal, you are a rapist in every sense of the word.

Yeah, but what about if she fucks me? Then it’s okay, right?

You deserve to be thunderfucked by the ram for being so stupid. No means no, and because you don’t understand sheep language, you can’t know for sure that it’s consensual. That would be like me forcing myself on random Taiwanese women, and because I don’t speak their language, using the defence that I thought they were saying yes. They weren’t.

No one, except sometimes my wife, willingly has sex with me. Continue reading