Sep 11

Don’t Settle!

Birdman

You know who I’m talking to. All of you people out there that are settling for less than you want or deserve in a relationship.

It seems that it’s mostly women in this predicament, but I do know a few guys that it’s happened to over the years (IT’S ME!). It sucks, but not as bad as getting a finger or toenail slowly ripped out every week on an ongoing basis. Well, I guess it also depends on your pain tolerance and how good you are at masturbating, but as a general rule, it’s a bit better than torture.

This makes me wonder why we do it. Why is my smart, funny, beautiful friend hung up on a scrawny, emotionally withdrawn dude that is most likely a 40 year old virgin? Okay, maybe not forty, but he’s well into adulthood. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

It would be one thing if they were both okay with seeing each other for five hours a week, but she is looking for something more in a man than a game of fucking Yahtzee and a back rub on Tuesdays and every other Friday. When they met, he was looking for a relationship, but apparently not one that included sleeping together or allowing visits outside of the scheduled appointments. No stopping by for a quick high five or chest bump, no nothing.

Is this good?

Is this good?

Seems like bulshit, doesn’t it? They are obviously not very compatible together if one wants something on the other end of the spectrum as the other. Right?

Right. Well, except for the fact that she really liked him and was willing to settle for the odd occasion that he would make some time for her. He kept explaining that he didn’t have time for visitors, because he was so busy all day and night, but he could maybe get away for a few hours on Wednesday, but maybe not until Thursday.

I understand long distance relationships are hard, but for the love of all things hairy, he’s only twelve miles away from her or some shit. She was willing to drive there to see him, but that was forbidden.

How sweet.

How sweet.

He’s just not that into her.

Maybe, but I doubt it. I think he just likes to keep his options open and play the field. If he wasn’t into her he would just tell her, wouldn’t he? Come on, guys wouldn’t string girls along so that they have a warm place to land when shit goes south. That’s dishonest and deceitful. It’s like when people say that you should NEVER tell your boss that you are looking for another job, because you might not get the job, and your boss will still be looking for your replacement by noon.

Fuck it. I always tell them. They always fire me, but I still tell them. It just seems right. I hate leaving people in the lurch. If I don’t like my job enough to not go looking for another one, then they are doing me a favour by cutting me loose. Sure it stings a bit, but when something isn’t working, why bother? There’s something else out there for you, and it’s probably going to be better than what you just left.

The same goes for when someone doesn’t like you as much as you like them. Cut them loose. Don’t try to change them, and for fuck’s sake, don’t try to change yourself. You’re you for a reason, and it’s a bad idea to mess with your perfect design. If you want to spend sixteen hours a day with your partner, then find a partner that wants to spend it with you. Pining away for someone surely won’t get you anywhere but crazy, so get while the getting’s good and skedaddle your sexy ass on out of there.

You see, girls. I’m a guy and I know how guys talk. Do you want to be the crazy bitch that comes up in every conversation? The one that he warns all of his buddies about? The one that he put a restraining order on?

restrainingrder

No? Then smarten the fuck up. Don’t pester him and give him any more power over you than he already has. Don’t tell him you’ll accept less than you deserve, and whatever you do, don’t ever beg him for a fucking thing. You’re perfect, and there is a guy out there that wants to cuddle up with all of that perfection at every possible chance. You won’t ever have to wonder if he’s fucking around, because he is trying to figure out how to grab an hours sleep during the day, just so he’ll have an extra hour to spend with you at night.

That’s just how shit is. If you can’t wait to see him, and he misses you so bad that he drives the half hour to your place just to kiss you and smell your hair, then you have a very good thing and it should be nurtured.

If you are driving by his house and he won’t let you stop by because it’s “his” day to do what he wants, then you have yourself a dude that is either gay or lacks a soul. His day should start with staring into your eyes and end with kissing your lips as passionately as possible, without putting your teeth through your lips.

I know that you aren’t going to listen to me anyhow, but this is my “I told you so.”

If you aren’t getting what you need from a relationship, then run. Run to the next one. You are worth so much more than settling for less than you deserve. I don’t care who you are, you’re better than that.

So what you wanna do, sheeeit I got a pocket full of rubbers and my homeboys do too,

Birdman

Sep 05

Therapy Thursday

TherapyThursdaybanner

Dear Therapy Thursday:

I’m a recently single woman, just a shade over fifty, still kinda cute and a little out of shape, but still can do a cartwheel in a skirt. I’ve been out of circulation for such a long time and I am just getting back into the dating scene.  I want to know where to go to “get my walls plastered”, so to speak.  I’m not looking for a geezer and I don’t want some guy so young I can say, “Come to Grandma”.  I want to know what it takes to catch a man’s eye, hold his interests and make him smile.

Old Bag wants a new Trick

mindofbirdman

Dear Old Bag,

Have you thought of going to the nunnery and giving your life to the lord?

No? Well you should.

Seriously though, you need to explain what it is that you want. Is it a place to get your walls plastered, or do you want to capture the attention of a certain man? If it’s the walls plastered, then you will want to talk to Smarty about that, but if you are trying to snag a lunker you can talk to me.

Now, I suppose we should find out what sort of man you are looking for. This is essential if we are to know where to find him. I will list a few types and the necessary info. What you do with it is your business.

  1. The Simple Man – You should do yourself up like Reba, incorporate Duck Dynasty and/or Larry The Cable Guy quotes into your everyday speech patterns, and do a lot of browsing around at Bass Pro Shops or TSC.
  2. The Hipster – You should steal a homeless man’s clothes, recite slam poems, and hangout at small coffee shops or organic microbreweries. Bonus points if you haven’t brushed your hair or washed your armpits for two weeks.
  3. The Douchebag – You can wear anything, say anything, and go anywhere. If you have two or more tits and a heartbeat, these pricks will find you, lie to you, and most likely fuck you up for the next guy that comes along.
  4. The Nice Guy – You can wear anything, say anything, and go anywhere. If he really likes you, he’ll make it known to you. There won’t be any cheesy pickup lines, empty promises, or lies to get you into bed. You will have sex with him because it would seem a shame not to.
  5. The Nerd – Do a little cosplay, speak in elven, Klingon, or almost any code, and hang out at hobby shops, Comicon, or his mother’s basement.

These very useless points are my advice to you. It may seem like I didn’t take your question seriously, but I did. There is no set way to capture a man’s fancy, but if you just be yourself, you will find that whatever man finds and loves you, will love you for you, and will do it unconditionally. These are things I know to be true. It doesn’t matter if you are a sneaky bitch or a pure-hearted girl next door, if you are true to yourself, you’ll find someone who loves you. You just might not like who they are.

Birdman

SmartyTalks

Dear Bag:

Holy fuck, I will plaster, prime, and sand your walls for a minimal fee. I don’t care one iota if you even shower or brush your tooth; I will ride that fat ass of yours right to the wire if the price is right.

As for doing cartwheels in a skirt, if you are doing them without panties on, I will gladly return any fees that you may have incurred from past sexual liaisons with me or my colleague Puerto Rico Paulie. The catch is that you have to let us video record the cartwheels for a minimum of eighteen minutes. Some people just love that shit.

I’m not sure where you live, but some of the best places to get laid around here are liquor serving establishments. I know, it freaked me out too, but the consensus is in and it looks like walking into a bar and announcing that you are horny is the best way for a woman to get the sexual intercourse going for herself.

Another option is a crack house, but it’s mostly the risk that gets me off there. There’s just something magical about not knowing when somebody is going to snap or the cops are going to bust through the door.

You could also just get yourself the Fist of Adonis and beat the everloving piss out of your old leather mitt every night. That’s the gift that keeps on giving in my opinion.

fist-of-adonis1

I have no idea why you’d need different colours.

Smarty

Jul 17

Someone Was Wrong On The Internet

Birdman

It’s something that Mrs Birdman dedicated to me one day. A cartoon. Apparently it’s my thing.

I can't help it. It's a sickness.

I can’t help it. It’s a sickness.

Anyhow, because it is so sweltering hot at my desk, I postponed finishing the Darien Lake post to do this, because it will be much quicker. It’s basically just a cutout of Ed’s Facebook status and the ensuing argument, but my wife thought it would make a good post, and I want to get into our air conditioned bedroom soon, so I said “What the hell? I’ll try anything twice.”

Anyhow, here it is in all of it’s glory.

Long, huh?

Long, huh?

I had to look up TLDR again, but I soon remembered someone else writing that on another argument I was in. I guess it’s a popular response to nerds. My baby sent me this excerpt from Wikipedia, when I asked her about it:

Maintain civility[edit]

Sometimes a person might feel that a reader’s decision to pointedly mention this essay during a discussion is dismissive and rude. Therefore, courteous editors might, as an alternative to citing WP:TLDR, create a section on the longwinded editor’stalk page and politely ask them to write more concisely.

A common mis-citation of this essay is to ignore the reasoned and actually quite clear arguments and requests for response presented by an unnecessarily wordy editor with a flippant “TL;DR” in an attempt to discredit and refuse to address their strongly-presented ideas and/or their criticism of one’s own position. This is a four-fold fallacyad hominemappeal to ridiculethought-terminating cliché, and simple failure to actually engage in the debate because one is supposedly too pressed for time to bother, the inverted version of proof by verbosity.

Lastly, shear laziness or excessively concise may miss an important set of details necessary to include a well branched entry despite lacking the requisite patience. [8].

Well, that’s it for tonight. I hope we get some rain soon to cool things off around here. I hear the crops could use it too. I will try to get something done around here soon.

So you think your schooling is phoney, I guess it’s hard not to agree, you say it all depends on the money and who is in your family tree,

Birdman

 

Jun 19

What Your Kids Are Sharing On Facebook; or, Zuckerberg, You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself!

mindofbirdman

Now, I don’t allow anyone that’s under seventeen on my real Facebook profile. Those of you that are on it will understand why. Now I do have a family-friendly account that I made for the kids, because they kept trying to add me, but I always refused their friend requests. It turned out that a lot of adults couldn’t get enough of the Birdman either, because people there was friends on my real account that started adding my kids profile when they saw it. Maybe they were looking for a toned down version of me that rarely posts and never changes his photos. Whatever the reason, that account now has way more adults than kids.

Adults that sometimes have risque status updates. As long as I don’t like or comment on them, then no children on my Facebook should be able to see them, right? Right.

My feed is usually blocked up with stupid shit like this:

Yeah, I don't know why kidsadults feel the need to constantly answer these.

Yeah, I don’t know why kidsadults feel the need to constantly answer these. I love that handsome devil.

Stupid? Yes, but in their defence, they are kids. They don’t want their friends to think that they like the devil, no matter how cool he looks. I really don’t blame them for that, but they need to understand that these pages are pointless, but not always harmless. They could be data, like, or share mining and selling the page to a business when they get the like count up to a certain number. I see these every damn day, and I’d never given them much more than an eye roll with an occasional muttering of “idiots”, under my breath.

That was until today. Continue reading

May 30

Therapy Thursday

newtherapythursday

I am contemplating going to a new job. More money. Bonuses. Overtime. Same hours. Not as mentally challenging but much more physical. Problem is, I am scared to death about being discriminated against because I am transgender. I don’t plan on announcing it to everyone, but I can’t quite “pass” as a male yet. I know there are laws to protect me. As the old saying goes “Sticks and stones.”, but words can still hurt. Got any good advice for me?

Dustin

(Editor’s note: Dustin blogs at Becoming Oliver, so go check it out. He talks about a lot of shit there. Well, a few weeks ago he was. Sometimes he’s lazy, like me.)

birdmandesk

Dear Dustin:

Do I? Fuck yeah, I have all kinds of advice, but first tell me if you have one of these?

logoshot

They're sippy cups for people who enjoy giving people heart attacks.

They’re sippy cups for people who enjoy giving other people heart attacks.

(photos from http://www.theselfmademen.com/ )

It would sure make me think you were a dude if I was standing next to you at a urinal. Well, unless you used the really dark one. That might give it away.

Anyhow, I don’t have any advice, other than to tell you that money doesn’t matter. If you love your job, and you were doing okay there, I personally wouldn’t take a job that you aren’t sure about just because it’s paying a bit better.

Now, that being said, if you don’t love the job you’re at right now, then what the fuck? You might as well try the new one. It may be your dream job, but even if it’s not, you have some added security until you do find what you’re looking for. The benefits might even cover some of the incidentals when you have your surgery. They sure can’t hurt, right?

Do what you feel is right. You still have that shithead supervisor? That’s something to take into account. I’m sure there will be a shithead at your new job, should you take it, but you are going to find them at every job you go to. I think that your gut will lead you in the right direction. Mine’s leading me to the bottom of this bag of Crispers.

Whatever you do will be an adventure, and we wish you the best.

Plays for keeps and try to never lose, live it fast but live the life you choose,

Birdman

SmartyTalks

Dear Duster,

Fuck that shit. Jobs are for suckers. You sure as fuck won’t catch me doing one, because I live the dream.

That’s right, I’m my own boss, and last year my company did better than General Motors. I work when I want, party all fucking day, and still have time left in my schedule to meet friends for coffee at night.

It’s such a great gig, but it’s hard to do it by myself, so I’ve been thinking I could really use another key person in my organisation. Someone who is smart.

There are lots of smart people looking for work, right? The problem is that I also need someone I can trust. Someone who isn’t going to piss away what I’ve worked so hard for.

I could use someone like you, but you probably aren’t interested.

You might be? Well don’t worry. It isn’t something shady like Amway or Primerica. This is a good, respectable job that could turn a tidy profit for the right person.

I think that person is you. You have what it takes.

You get to be your own boss, make your own hours, and you get to bang all sorts of hotties.

M

Maybe hotties was a poor choice of words.

Plus you get to stay in motels a lot.

It's great, because you don't have to pay for a whole night if you're just going to be there for a few hours.

It’s great, because you don’t have to pay for a whole night if you’re just going to be there for an hour.

I’m telling you, once you get some decent clients that pay upfront, you’ll be living the life of Riley. Not from the old radio show, but Riley, the guy who sometimes has to do collections for me. He drives a Lincoln. Yep, a real Lincoln.

Anyhow, if you like a bit of adventure in your career, give me a call and I’ll get your cubicle all set up for you.

If this is too cramped, there is a bigger one coming available in a few days.

If this is too cramped, there is a bigger one coming available in a few days.

Well the Dealer was a killer; he was evil and mean and he was jealous of the fire in her eye,

Smarty