Jun 19

What Your Kids Are Sharing On Facebook; or, Zuckerberg, You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself!

mindofbirdman

Now, I don’t allow anyone that’s under seventeen on my real Facebook profile. Those of you that are on it will understand why. Now I do have a family-friendly account that I made for the kids, because they kept trying to add me, but I always refused their friend requests. It turned out that a lot of adults couldn’t get enough of the Birdman either, because people there was friends on my real account that started adding my kids profile when they saw it. Maybe they were looking for a toned down version of me that rarely posts and never changes his photos. Whatever the reason, that account now has way more adults than kids.

Adults that sometimes have risque status updates. As long as I don’t like or comment on them, then no children on my Facebook should be able to see them, right? Right.

My feed is usually blocked up with stupid shit like this:

Yeah, I don't know why kidsadults feel the need to constantly answer these.

Yeah, I don’t know why kidsadults feel the need to constantly answer these. I love that handsome devil.

Stupid? Yes, but in their defence, they are kids. They don’t want their friends to think that they like the devil, no matter how cool he looks. I really don’t blame them for that, but they need to understand that these pages are pointless, but not always harmless. They could be data, like, or share mining and selling the page to a business when they get the like count up to a certain number. I see these every damn day, and I’d never given them much more than an eye roll with an occasional muttering of “idiots”, under my breath.

That was until today. Continue reading

May 30

Therapy Thursday

newtherapythursday

I am contemplating going to a new job. More money. Bonuses. Overtime. Same hours. Not as mentally challenging but much more physical. Problem is, I am scared to death about being discriminated against because I am transgender. I don’t plan on announcing it to everyone, but I can’t quite “pass” as a male yet. I know there are laws to protect me. As the old saying goes “Sticks and stones.”, but words can still hurt. Got any good advice for me?

Dustin

(Editor’s note: Dustin blogs at Becoming Oliver, so go check it out. He talks about a lot of shit there. Well, a few weeks ago he was. Sometimes he’s lazy, like me.)

birdmandesk

Dear Dustin:

Do I? Fuck yeah, I have all kinds of advice, but first tell me if you have one of these?

logoshot

They're sippy cups for people who enjoy giving people heart attacks.

They’re sippy cups for people who enjoy giving other people heart attacks.

(photos from http://www.theselfmademen.com/ )

It would sure make me think you were a dude if I was standing next to you at a urinal. Well, unless you used the really dark one. That might give it away.

Anyhow, I don’t have any advice, other than to tell you that money doesn’t matter. If you love your job, and you were doing okay there, I personally wouldn’t take a job that you aren’t sure about just because it’s paying a bit better.

Now, that being said, if you don’t love the job you’re at right now, then what the fuck? You might as well try the new one. It may be your dream job, but even if it’s not, you have some added security until you do find what you’re looking for. The benefits might even cover some of the incidentals when you have your surgery. They sure can’t hurt, right?

Do what you feel is right. You still have that shithead supervisor? That’s something to take into account. I’m sure there will be a shithead at your new job, should you take it, but you are going to find them at every job you go to. I think that your gut will lead you in the right direction. Mine’s leading me to the bottom of this bag of Crispers.

Whatever you do will be an adventure, and we wish you the best.

Plays for keeps and try to never lose, live it fast but live the life you choose,

Birdman

SmartyTalks

Dear Duster,

Fuck that shit. Jobs are for suckers. You sure as fuck won’t catch me doing one, because I live the dream.

That’s right, I’m my own boss, and last year my company did better than General Motors. I work when I want, party all fucking day, and still have time left in my schedule to meet friends for coffee at night.

It’s such a great gig, but it’s hard to do it by myself, so I’ve been thinking I could really use another key person in my organisation. Someone who is smart.

There are lots of smart people looking for work, right? The problem is that I also need someone I can trust. Someone who isn’t going to piss away what I’ve worked so hard for.

I could use someone like you, but you probably aren’t interested.

You might be? Well don’t worry. It isn’t something shady like Amway or Primerica. This is a good, respectable job that could turn a tidy profit for the right person.

I think that person is you. You have what it takes.

You get to be your own boss, make your own hours, and you get to bang all sorts of hotties.

M

Maybe hotties was a poor choice of words.

Plus you get to stay in motels a lot.

It's great, because you don't have to pay for a whole night if you're just going to be there for a few hours.

It’s great, because you don’t have to pay for a whole night if you’re just going to be there for an hour.

I’m telling you, once you get some decent clients that pay upfront, you’ll be living the life of Riley. Not from the old radio show, but Riley, the guy who sometimes has to do collections for me. He drives a Lincoln. Yep, a real Lincoln.

Anyhow, if you like a bit of adventure in your career, give me a call and I’ll get your cubicle all set up for you.

If this is too cramped, there is a bigger one coming available in a few days.

If this is too cramped, there is a bigger one coming available in a few days.

Well the Dealer was a killer; he was evil and mean and he was jealous of the fire in her eye,

Smarty

Apr 10

Well, I Guess It’s Time For A Refresher

mindofbirdman

STOP FUCKING CLICKING SHIT IN FACEBOOK!

For fuck sake, start using your brain for more than watching Duck Dynasty and Honey Boo Boo. There is a steady stream of articles on how stupid we are becoming, and you lazy bastards aren’t even trying to prove them wrong. Way to go, Evolution.

Where are we going to go, Stephanie? You are taking me, right?

Where are we going, Stephanie? You are taking me, right?

1. Southwest Airlines is not giving you any fucking free tickets on Facebook. End of story. They probably will give you some free tickets if you miss a flight or something because of their screw up, or because your dad is a pilot with them and his family flies everywhere for free, but not because your asshole friend clicked on an asshole link on an asshole social media site and sent an asshole message to everyone on his friends list. Delete those friends.

Now! Continue reading

Feb 22

I’m Getting All Mouthy Again

mindofbirdman

Yep. Brandon from My Own Private Idaho was looking for guest posters, because he finds that he is getting a little swamped right now.

Hey Brandon, if you’d just hire a driver, you could write and post while in between cities. Problem solved, bitch, and you’re welcome. I’m a time manager. It’s what I do.

Well, until he gets his shit together, we shall continue on. If you remember, a few weeks ago, Brandon helped me out while Mrs. B and I were on vacation. He submitted a funny little piece on strengthening the bond between our countries and it was well received.

I wasn’t quite as kind to him. I chose to voice my opinion on religion!

I know, but when someone says that there are no rules except for no nudity or porn, I tend to do whatever the hell I want. Now, without further ado, here’s the post that you’ve heard so much about from me.

 

Feb 05

Leave It To Cleaver

mindofbirdman

I don’t even know how to start this, but it needs to be told, so I’m just going to go from the beginning.

I was on Facebook when I saw something come up from Armchair Patriots page in my little right sidebar thing that tells all of your secret conversations with fake Justing Bieber accounts. Don’t worry, I’m sure you weren’t the first to tell him you want to milk his prostate, and you surely won’t be the last. Because they always have funny and thought provoking content on there, and it said “This is fucking nuts” or something to that effect, I just clicked on it without actually looking to see what it was.

What they had shared was an article from The Blaze, and it was a story that was so fucked up, I couldn’t recite it to Mrs. B with a straight face. It’s really whacked out.

As wild as the story is, the news interview with Kai was the piece de resistance. It was so out there that I copied it from Youtube, so in case they took it down, I’d still have a copy to show you.

Here’s the full, uncensored interview in case you don’t want to read the article, but you do want to hear a fucking bizarre story and lots of swearing. There were a lot of people in the comments talking about how foul mouthed he is, and how he’s a piece of shit loser, but I thought the guy was fan-fucking-tabulous. I guess I’m partial to real people, be they flawed or not. I say the guy should get a free bag of weed, an old jeep, and some surfing gear for being awesome.

Right? He cleaved his motherfucking head right open, yo. That shit is fucked up. If Jesus was real, he certainly wouldn’t rape 14 year olds or masturbate in front of schools. He probably wouldn’t want to rid the world of all black people either. What would his reasoning be? They work too hard? He’s fucking Jesus, he don’t care about colour and shit. He’s the Prince of Peace. He wouldn’t snap a woman’s neck like a pencil stick.

I’m glad Kai was there to stop this whack job, and I’m glad he was using the sharp side of the hatchet. I would have brained him with the back or the flat side, but the blade works too, it’s actually the most effective.

Now, at the bottom of the article was a comment section, and it’s way better than mine. I think I need more Republican commenters or something. I took a couple of screen shots for your perusal, and also for some merriment.

Seriously. Pat Alexander is bananas. You know, because  "The Shit is bananas".

Seriously. Pat Alexander is bananas. You know, because the shit is bananas, or the bananas are the shit. Whatever.

 

Searching For The Truth? Not as much "The Shit\', as he is just plain shit.

Searching For The Truth? Not as much “The Shit’, as he is just plain shit.

That’s it for today, kids. If you have any Therapy Thursday stuff for us to figure out, please let us know. We want to help you so bad that it hurts.

We bury the hatchet, but leave the handle stickin’ out,

Birdman