May 01

I’ve Made The Switch

birdmandesk

I just watched the movie God’s Not Dead. It’s a Christian drama that has made me rethink my agnostic views. I know, I didn’t think it was possible for me to change my mind either, especially seeing how stubborn and strong minded I am, but it happened.

The performances of Dean Cain, Kevin Sorbo, and whoever that little puke is that portrayed Josh, along with the writing have completely swung my vote. Congratulations to all of you.

I am now a full blown, born again atheist.

That’s right, this movie was so bad that it made me sure that not only is there no God, but no omnipotent entity that is watching over us at all.

If there was, everyone involved in the making and distribution of this film would be dead1)At least maimed. right now. I question whether the Nazi propaganda was this poorly written and unbelievable during the war. I don’t think that it could be.

But Birdman, you didn’t believe in God before, why do you say “born again”?

Well, I was an atheist for probably twenty years, and then when I was about 29 I was having a discussion about religion with a very well read and well spoken fellow that posed the question, “Are you that arrogant that you can say with certainty that God doesn’t exist?”

I thought about it for a bit and decided that it was pretty shitty for me to shoot down their beliefs due to lack of proof, when I really had no proof that their god didn’t exist. I thought that being agnostic made me more tolerant to other people’s insane religions, and therefore making me a better person than the religious zealots.

Well, I am that shitty and arrogant now. Thanks, Kevin Sorbo. You fucking hack.

After watching his over the top performance as the atheist professor with the monumental slip-up, I went to the local pawn shop and bought a $4 DVD set of those low budget Hercules shows that he was in and burnt them on the front steps of the church.

Herc_Title_card

The aroma was pleasing to the lord.

The Dean Cain atheist character was probably worse, but didn’t get as much air time as fucking Herc, so I hated him a little bit less. I think that when his atheist girlfriend got cancer and he scolded, belittled, and then dumped her, that we were supposed to seethe and spit fire at how callous those atheists are.

I was too busy laughing at how preposterous the whole scene was. Luckily there was a Christian pop band there to pray for her cancer to go away, so I’m sure she’s fine now.

I guess my favourite part of the movie is at 1:392)Yes, it is that long, and yes, it feels more like seven hours. when Hercules got hit by a car in front of a couple of pastors at the end. The driver sped off and the African holy man immediately touches Herc on the stomach with four fingertips and proclaimed that his ribs were crushed and his lungs were filling with blood.

Wow. This dude is wasting his talents as a triage medic. You couldn’t even hear a gurgle when he spoke to the minister guy about not knowing Jesus, but sure enough, he died right after that guy said he didn’t have long.

Thankfully he accepted Jesus as his saviour in his final throes. Vaya con dios, young Sorbo. You died blood free and with a heart full of light. Not that it is going to help you.

You know, because he is dead. Drowned on his own blood. It silently filled his lungs, but due to Jesus or something, none of it came out his windpipe as he gasped and talked while lying on his back.  I think what made it funnier for me was when I read this on IMDB:

When commenting on the final scene with Kevin Sorbo’s character, producers of the film stated “we felt like we did a good thing. There was a sense of completion and warmth as the principle actors and extras looked over his dead, atheist body. In full Christian spirit, He did away with evil. Really a very beautiful thing. He’s not dead.”

Wow. That’s fucked up. What’s more fucked up is that the movie has a critic approval rating of about 16 at Metacritic and 17% at Rotten Tomatoes, and it still managed to gross more than 67 million. I think I’m going to write a movie about how awesome atheism is, and we’ll see what actors I can get. They will have to be better than the tripe I saw in this movie.

Now, can anyone front us a couple mill to get this show on the road?

Birdman

P.S. That douchebag from Duck Dynasty has some cameos in this too. That should keep you guessing.

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. At least maimed.
2. Yes, it is that long, and yes, it feels more like seven hours.
Apr 21

Trophy Hunters-The Game

birdmandesk

So I follow Ricky Gervais on Twitter, and he recently had a go at a trophy hunter on there.

  He posted this later. I suppose to explain his stance.

 And this one, which resonates with me.  

It’s a well documented spat, and it’s getting people pretty heated on both sides of the debate. Although I don’t agree with trophy hunting at all; I also don’t agree with shooting trophy hunters and raping their children, which is apparently what some people have threatened Rebecca Francis with since this feud began.

That’s just wrong.

It’s not her children’s fault that she’s their mother. It’s her parent’s fault. As for killing her, I think that I’ve come up with a (probably) legal solution to everybody’s dilemmas.

Wait for it………

A trophy hunter video game!

Yes, I know that there are plenty of trophy hunting video games on the market, but is there one that allows you to hunt other trophy hunters?

Picture it:

You could follow the hunter’s convoy from the guide’s place and sneak in after them. Once they stop for lunch and the trackers go on up ahead, you affix your silencer and begin your prone position crawl through the underbrush to where you can take the *fingers crossed* lethal shot and still have time to get the professional hunter and the trophies of your kill.

Oh yeah, there’s trophies.

Of course you need to mummify it. They will stink if you don't.

Of course you need to mummify it. They will stink if you don’t.

Once you get them mummified, you can add them to your collection.

If you drill out the core and add a stick of graphite, you will have a pretty unique pencil.

If you drill out the core and add a stick of graphite, you will have a pretty unique pencil.

I think that it will work out pretty good if we can get the animal rights people going on it. I’d give 90% of the yearly profits could go to VETPAW and Cruelty Free International, with the other 10% going to development of new games. What do you think about Backyard Breeder Beat Down for a title? It has a nice ring to it. Maybe the third could be called Matador Mayhem, where you get to hide outside of the bullfight ring and jump the bullfighters when they try to leave.

They sound awesome, right? I thought so too.1)Does anyone know any game developers? I have the ideas, but that’s about it.

While we’re on the subject of justice, did you hear about Ian Gibson, the professional hunter that was trampled by a bull elephant that he was tracking?

It’s true. I almost gave a shit about him when I read that it was a gruesome scene, but then I went back to eating licorice and wrestling with the dog. I think that it’s quite a fitting end. I hope that if I can’t get myself shot while jumping in front some innocent people at a drive by, that I will get gored by a moose as I’m lining up a shot on his father.

Circle of life, yo.

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. Does anyone know any game developers? I have the ideas, but that’s about it.
Sep 11

Don’t Settle!

Birdman

You know who I’m talking to. All of you people out there that are settling for less than you want or deserve in a relationship.

It seems that it’s mostly women in this predicament, but I do know a few guys that it’s happened to over the years (IT’S ME!). It sucks, but not as bad as getting a finger or toenail slowly ripped out every week on an ongoing basis. Well, I guess it also depends on your pain tolerance and how good you are at masturbating, but as a general rule, it’s a bit better than torture.

This makes me wonder why we do it. Why is my smart, funny, beautiful friend hung up on a scrawny, emotionally withdrawn dude that is most likely a 40 year old virgin? Okay, maybe not forty, but he’s well into adulthood. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

It would be one thing if they were both okay with seeing each other for five hours a week, but she is looking for something more in a man than a game of fucking Yahtzee and a back rub on Tuesdays and every other Friday. When they met, he was looking for a relationship, but apparently not one that included sleeping together or allowing visits outside of the scheduled appointments. No stopping by for a quick high five or chest bump, no nothing.

Is this good?

Is this good?

Seems like bulshit, doesn’t it? They are obviously not very compatible together if one wants something on the other end of the spectrum as the other. Right?

Right. Well, except for the fact that she really liked him and was willing to settle for the odd occasion that he would make some time for her. He kept explaining that he didn’t have time for visitors, because he was so busy all day and night, but he could maybe get away for a few hours on Wednesday, but maybe not until Thursday.

I understand long distance relationships are hard, but for the love of all things hairy, he’s only twelve miles away from her or some shit. She was willing to drive there to see him, but that was forbidden.

How sweet.

How sweet.

He’s just not that into her.

Maybe, but I doubt it. I think he just likes to keep his options open and play the field. If he wasn’t into her he would just tell her, wouldn’t he? Come on, guys wouldn’t string girls along so that they have a warm place to land when shit goes south. That’s dishonest and deceitful. It’s like when people say that you should NEVER tell your boss that you are looking for another job, because you might not get the job, and your boss will still be looking for your replacement by noon.

Fuck it. I always tell them. They always fire me, but I still tell them. It just seems right. I hate leaving people in the lurch. If I don’t like my job enough to not go looking for another one, then they are doing me a favour by cutting me loose. Sure it stings a bit, but when something isn’t working, why bother? There’s something else out there for you, and it’s probably going to be better than what you just left.

The same goes for when someone doesn’t like you as much as you like them. Cut them loose. Don’t try to change them, and for fuck’s sake, don’t try to change yourself. You’re you for a reason, and it’s a bad idea to mess with your perfect design. If you want to spend sixteen hours a day with your partner, then find a partner that wants to spend it with you. Pining away for someone surely won’t get you anywhere but crazy, so get while the getting’s good and skedaddle your sexy ass on out of there.

You see, girls. I’m a guy and I know how guys talk. Do you want to be the crazy bitch that comes up in every conversation? The one that he warns all of his buddies about? The one that he put a restraining order on?

restrainingrder

No? Then smarten the fuck up. Don’t pester him and give him any more power over you than he already has. Don’t tell him you’ll accept less than you deserve, and whatever you do, don’t ever beg him for a fucking thing. You’re perfect, and there is a guy out there that wants to cuddle up with all of that perfection at every possible chance. You won’t ever have to wonder if he’s fucking around, because he is trying to figure out how to grab an hours sleep during the day, just so he’ll have an extra hour to spend with you at night.

That’s just how shit is. If you can’t wait to see him, and he misses you so bad that he drives the half hour to your place just to kiss you and smell your hair, then you have a very good thing and it should be nurtured.

If you are driving by his house and he won’t let you stop by because it’s “his” day to do what he wants, then you have yourself a dude that is either gay or lacks a soul. His day should start with staring into your eyes and end with kissing your lips as passionately as possible, without putting your teeth through your lips.

I know that you aren’t going to listen to me anyhow, but this is my “I told you so.”

If you aren’t getting what you need from a relationship, then run. Run to the next one. You are worth so much more than settling for less than you deserve. I don’t care who you are, you’re better than that.

So what you wanna do, sheeeit I got a pocket full of rubbers and my homeboys do too,

Birdman

Sep 05

Therapy Thursday

TherapyThursdaybanner

Dear Therapy Thursday:

I’m a recently single woman, just a shade over fifty, still kinda cute and a little out of shape, but still can do a cartwheel in a skirt. I’ve been out of circulation for such a long time and I am just getting back into the dating scene.  I want to know where to go to “get my walls plastered”, so to speak.  I’m not looking for a geezer and I don’t want some guy so young I can say, “Come to Grandma”.  I want to know what it takes to catch a man’s eye, hold his interests and make him smile.

Old Bag wants a new Trick

mindofbirdman

Dear Old Bag,

Have you thought of going to the nunnery and giving your life to the lord?

No? Well you should.

Seriously though, you need to explain what it is that you want. Is it a place to get your walls plastered, or do you want to capture the attention of a certain man? If it’s the walls plastered, then you will want to talk to Smarty about that, but if you are trying to snag a lunker you can talk to me.

Now, I suppose we should find out what sort of man you are looking for. This is essential if we are to know where to find him. I will list a few types and the necessary info. What you do with it is your business.

  1. The Simple Man – You should do yourself up like Reba, incorporate Duck Dynasty and/or Larry The Cable Guy quotes into your everyday speech patterns, and do a lot of browsing around at Bass Pro Shops or TSC.
  2. The Hipster – You should steal a homeless man’s clothes, recite slam poems, and hangout at small coffee shops or organic microbreweries. Bonus points if you haven’t brushed your hair or washed your armpits for two weeks.
  3. The Douchebag – You can wear anything, say anything, and go anywhere. If you have two or more tits and a heartbeat, these pricks will find you, lie to you, and most likely fuck you up for the next guy that comes along.
  4. The Nice Guy – You can wear anything, say anything, and go anywhere. If he really likes you, he’ll make it known to you. There won’t be any cheesy pickup lines, empty promises, or lies to get you into bed. You will have sex with him because it would seem a shame not to.
  5. The Nerd – Do a little cosplay, speak in elven, Klingon, or almost any code, and hang out at hobby shops, Comicon, or his mother’s basement.

These very useless points are my advice to you. It may seem like I didn’t take your question seriously, but I did. There is no set way to capture a man’s fancy, but if you just be yourself, you will find that whatever man finds and loves you, will love you for you, and will do it unconditionally. These are things I know to be true. It doesn’t matter if you are a sneaky bitch or a pure-hearted girl next door, if you are true to yourself, you’ll find someone who loves you. You just might not like who they are.

Birdman

SmartyTalks

Dear Bag:

Holy fuck, I will plaster, prime, and sand your walls for a minimal fee. I don’t care one iota if you even shower or brush your tooth; I will ride that fat ass of yours right to the wire if the price is right.

As for doing cartwheels in a skirt, if you are doing them without panties on, I will gladly return any fees that you may have incurred from past sexual liaisons with me or my colleague Puerto Rico Paulie. The catch is that you have to let us video record the cartwheels for a minimum of eighteen minutes. Some people just love that shit.

I’m not sure where you live, but some of the best places to get laid around here are liquor serving establishments. I know, it freaked me out too, but the consensus is in and it looks like walking into a bar and announcing that you are horny is the best way for a woman to get the sexual intercourse going for herself.

Another option is a crack house, but it’s mostly the risk that gets me off there. There’s just something magical about not knowing when somebody is going to snap or the cops are going to bust through the door.

You could also just get yourself the Fist of Adonis and beat the everloving piss out of your old leather mitt every night. That’s the gift that keeps on giving in my opinion.

fist-of-adonis1

I have no idea why you’d need different colours.

Smarty

Jul 17

Someone Was Wrong On The Internet

Birdman

It’s something that Mrs Birdman dedicated to me one day. A cartoon. Apparently it’s my thing.

I can't help it. It's a sickness.

I can’t help it. It’s a sickness.

Anyhow, because it is so sweltering hot at my desk, I postponed finishing the Darien Lake post to do this, because it will be much quicker. It’s basically just a cutout of Ed’s Facebook status and the ensuing argument, but my wife thought it would make a good post, and I want to get into our air conditioned bedroom soon, so I said “What the hell? I’ll try anything twice.”

Anyhow, here it is in all of it’s glory.

Long, huh?

Long, huh?

I had to look up TLDR again, but I soon remembered someone else writing that on another argument I was in. I guess it’s a popular response to nerds. My baby sent me this excerpt from Wikipedia, when I asked her about it:

Maintain civility[edit]

Sometimes a person might feel that a reader’s decision to pointedly mention this essay during a discussion is dismissive and rude. Therefore, courteous editors might, as an alternative to citing WP:TLDR, create a section on the longwinded editor’stalk page and politely ask them to write more concisely.

A common mis-citation of this essay is to ignore the reasoned and actually quite clear arguments and requests for response presented by an unnecessarily wordy editor with a flippant “TL;DR” in an attempt to discredit and refuse to address their strongly-presented ideas and/or their criticism of one’s own position. This is a four-fold fallacyad hominemappeal to ridiculethought-terminating cliché, and simple failure to actually engage in the debate because one is supposedly too pressed for time to bother, the inverted version of proof by verbosity.

Lastly, shear laziness or excessively concise may miss an important set of details necessary to include a well branched entry despite lacking the requisite patience. [8].

Well, that’s it for tonight. I hope we get some rain soon to cool things off around here. I hear the crops could use it too. I will try to get something done around here soon.

So you think your schooling is phoney, I guess it’s hard not to agree, you say it all depends on the money and who is in your family tree,

Birdman