Mar 20

Dean – Chapter Two

Dean let out a sickening noise as he watched his sister come to a bloody stop on the ground in front of the whizzing thing.

Who am I kidding? I can’t keep this up for much longer. Let’s just pretend that the deer was tapped in the head with the gift of knowledge, so he now knows all of the basic information that an adolescent human would know. It would take several years to explain how a deer learns each new thing, and we don’t have that kind of time.

A woman got out of the driver’s seat of the car and started to cry. She was also hyperventilating.

“Jesus Christ, Sarah. Would you fucking breathe? It’s just a fucking deer.” Came a voice from the car.

“IT’S DEAD! IT’S JUST A BABY AND IT’S FUCKING DEAD!” She screamed into the car.

“Yeah, I know. Calm down and get in the car. There’s nothing you can do about it now. Fuck, listen to that other one wailing. Let’s go, I can’t take much more of that.”

Dean’s mother looked up from her stupor and then put her head back down and closed her eyes. “It figures.” was all she said.

The car drove off with Sarah freaking out about taking a life that never got to be lived, and Dean stopped his screaming. He didn’t fully understand what all of this meant, but he knew that it didn’t feel right. He felt someone move up beside him.

“She’s with the Lord now. He had a special purpose for her innocent, little soul. She’s in a better place.”

Dean looked over and saw this deer that looked a lot like his mother. She had a glassy sort of look to her, but she seemed sort of kind looking, so he asked her why this “Lord” would want a new-born fawn.

“Who knows?” was her reply. “He doesn’t need to tell us why he does things. If he does it, it was the right thing.”

As he stared at her, trying to comprehend what all of that meant, he heard his mother yell “Don’t you fill his head with your ideas. You let him have a mind of his own.”

“We’re all a part of God’s plan. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.” She replied. “You know what Mama always told us.” She looked at Dean. “Honey, you just need to follow the path to the light. God’s love will be waiting there to bathe you. All you have to do is…”

Her eyes bulged out as she lost her wind and crumpled. Dean looked over and saw his mother’s back feet sinking into her side. “Don’t you listen to her. You need to learn things for yourself. Praying to something that probably doesn’t exist isn’t going to help you at all. Now come over here and get some milk. I need to lay down, and you need your strength.”

He latched on to a nipple and went to town. While he was nursing, he saw the other deer limping away. His mom noticed him looking.

“That’s my twin.” She said “I love her, but I can’t handle her shit.”

Dean thought he understood. He loved his sister, but she never even talked to him. It’s not like he was going to miss her. He would just have to try and keep himself alive, and hopefully his mom too.

May 13

Gene Simmons, Prince, And Media Bullshit

Birdman

First off, I understand that I am media. I just don’t really count my thirty eight subscribers as a media audience to be reckoned with. For the record, you could be number thirty nine if you click the subscribe button in the top left sidebar. It’s just a thought. A really good thought.

Don’t get me wrong, you are all awesome, even if some of you have died and others have been incarcerated, but I just don’t think that what I do here counts for much out there in the real world of media.

So now onto the horrible Gene Simmons and the saintly Prince, whom Gene has so wrongfully smote1)smitten? with his words.

Now I have never been a soldier in the KISS Army, but I have owned several of their cassettes, CDs, and their Oscar worthy KISS eXposed.

I always found them entertaining and intelligent, but never really cared too much about what they had to say concerning anything. They are rock stars and smart businessmen. End of story.

Well, until I saw all kinds of headlines about Gene Simmons and his comments about Prince and drugs. Shit like, but not limited to:

GENE SIMMONS: DAVID BOWIE’S DEATH WAS TRAGIC, PRINCE’S WAS PATHETIC

newsweek.com

Gene Simmons calls Prince’s death ‘pathetic’

ew.com

Gene Simmons on Prince: ‘How Pathetic That He Killed Himself’

rollingstone.com

That’s just three of them, but you get the picture. This all comes from the newsweek.com interview with Gene Simmons where he said things like, but not limited to:

“I think Prince was heads, hands and feet above all the rest of them. I thought he left [Michael] Jackson in the dust. Prince was way beyond that. But how pathetic that he killed himself. Don’t kid yourself, that’s what he did. Slowly, I’ll grant you… but that’s what drugs and alcohol is: a slow death.”

and

“Bowie was the most tragic of all because it was real sickness,” Simmons tells Newsweek. “All the other ones were a choice.” Even Prince? “His drugs killed him. What do you think, he died from a cold?”

and

The one question I have is: When we all start out and we have these big dreams and you finally get your wish—you have more money than God and fame—what is that insane gene in us, well, a lot of us, that makes us want to succumb to the cliché of clichés: drugs and alcohol?

You get the picture, right? I want to throw this in for you to ruminate on.

gene04

I have no idea if this is how he meant it, but he’s a smart guy. I would imagine he understands pathos.

Now, I don’t think that he’s 100% correct in most of this, but come on. It’s Gene Simmons’ fucking opinion. He’s allowed to have one, and so are you, but nobody should give a shit about either of them. Who cares what anybody thinks about Prince’s death? He’s gone, and left a shitload of great music for us to enjoy until we succumb to whatever the fuck kills us too.

(In my opinion, this is his greatest hits CD)

The thing that bothered me the most about all of this shit was the headlines. They were only made to get a rise out of everyone. Just to get clicks. Plain and simple.

Now, I am not above trying to sneak a link in here and hope someone buys something from Amazon through the site, but I have never been able to skew things to try and get people to click on my posts because I am playing with their emotions. I could have named this post something like “Gene Simmons Is Celebrating. Prince Is Dead”

Probably would have got a lot of folks in here with something like that, but I couldn’t do it with a clear conscience. How can reputable media outlets like Newsweek and Rolling Stone do it? They know the context in which it was said, so why would they try and trap a bunch of idiots with a misleading headline?

I have an idea.

Guess where these came from?

I'll give you a hint. It isn't from Google+

I’ll give you a hint. It isn’t from Google+.

Or Twitter, but those fuckers are just as bad now.

Or Twitter, but those fuckers are just as bad now. P.S. Fuck Nikki Sixx

Definitely not LinkedIn.

Definitely not LinkedIn.

If you guessed Facebook, you are the wiener.

This shit is just perfect for the clicky, emotional hordes on the old FB.

Gene Simmons said what? Fuck him and his stupid pornstar wife. Who made him God? I hope he ODs on valiums. Fucking asshole.2)Tidbits of things I saw when I looked at FB

BTW, nobody made him God. If they did there would be proof that he exists, and we know that ain’t happening yet. 😉

Anyhow, quit clicking on things that make you mad, unless you are going to actually read everything before you share it and comment. You will save yourself a lot of people calling you an idiot under their breath. Unless your friends are just as dumb. If that’s the case, click and share as much as possible. You’ll be the most smartest one on the block, and everyone will follow your lead.

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. smitten?
2. Tidbits of things I saw when I looked at FB
Jun 14

When Is It Okay?

Birdman

Last night I finished my long day of Ingress and met some of the players for a bite to eat and a drink. While I was there, I heard a guy allude to wanting a certain sex act with our server.

Loud, and to the server. It made me feel a bit shocked and embarrassed.

That’s not cool, right? I mean flirting is one thing, but to loudly exclaim about what you would like them to do with their genitals is completely inappropriate.

Hint: These were mentioned.

Hint: These were mentioned.

I’m right, aren’t I? I like to always be right. It gives me a holier than thou feeling.

Now, does it make a difference if it’s two gay men?

I am legitimately asking a question, because I have seen it on several occasions, and I wonder if it’s a different protocol when it’s guy on guy.

Do you remember the time I shamelessly plugged an old post about flirting that reminded me of this?1)That’s right now.

There was another time that I was driving taxi, and a man with two drunk, middle aged women got in the cab. He started talking about getting me out of my shirt, and then reached up over the seat and started rubbing my chest. I grabbed his hand, twisting his wrist back and maybe making him squeal a bit. Partly because he startled me, but mostly because he was wildly inappropriate and invading my space.

Him and his cackling hens started calling me a hillbilly gay basher, and a piece of shit homophobe, and when I tried to explain that it would be no different than if they were driving and some dude that they don’t find attractive did that to them, there would be charges laid, but the one chick said that there was no way she would ever stoop so low as to be a cab driver. Anyhow, they wouldn’t shut up or listen, so I kicked their drunk asses out on the curb.

Luckily for them, it was pretty close to a bar, so it was kind of a bonus. Free cab ride, and they got their excitement for the night. I should have had my wits about me and drove them to Precious Corners or something.  At least then I would have got a little satisfaction from the deal.

I’m not painting gay men with the same brush2)unless they’re into it and there’s a cool sawbuck in it for me, because the overbearing, lecherous ones are a very small percentage. I just find it odd that people don’t seem to be as offended when a man openly does something to another man that may or may not be welcome. For all I know, it’s a globally accepted practice, and I’m crazy to think that the same courtesies should be offered to everyone, no matter who they are.3)Excluding the Welsh, of course

So what are your thoughts on it? If you are gay, would this offend you, or would it be a thing where it depends on the circumstances? If you are straight, please go out and do some field research for me. Remember to take precautions for your safety.4)mainly condoms, a panic button, and some lube

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. That’s right now.
2. unless they’re into it and there’s a cool sawbuck in it for me
3. Excluding the Welsh, of course
4. mainly condoms, a panic button, and some lube
May 07

Therapy Thursday

therapythursday2

Dear Birdman

I see that you got a couple of kids. Me too, and we live in a small apartment.

Ever since my old lady fucked off on me, I have had my kids every other week in my apartment. I think the bitch just figured that I was going to pay money and never see them again, but the courts said I could have them every other week and I don’t gotta pay her anything. Like I am going to give her a grand a month for fucking around on me with her boss.

So the problem I have is that I don’t want the kids eating crap when they’re at my house, because she tried to tell the court that I was going to malnourish them or something. Like ya, I love to eat junk food and I drink a lot of soda, but she makes it sound like it’s all I feed them. 

My problem is that I woke them up tonight when I opened a bag of doritos, then when I opened my soda can they opened the door and asked if they could have some. I was all the way across the apartment and it still woke them up. How do I open cans and bags of snacks without making any noise. I hate not being able to let them have some treats before bed.

Studebaker

Dear Studebaker?

Is that your name, or a lame attempt at a nickname?

Anyhow, I really don’t care about your shitty relationship woes. He said, she said and so on, and so forth. Tell it to your therapist, or send a question in for next week. I’m just taking them one at a time right now.

Your chips and pop problem I can help you with, as I have had that problem in the past. I will tell you that it’s almost impossible to snack quietly, so instead we will be doing more of a conditioning sort of thing and there are two ways that you can go about it, depending on how old the kids are.

The first way works best if your kids are under about eight years old. They are way easier to manipulate when they are younger.

1. Get yourself a terrifying costume like this one. If your kids like clowns, go with something else.

photo from The Daily Hiit

photo from The Daily Hiit

2. Put some fake blood on your hands and mouth.

3. Stand about six feet away, facing their bedroom door and loudly open your pop can and your bag of salty goodness. Get some fake blood on both.

4. When they open the door, laugh maniacally and extend a bloody hand, with a chip in it, toward them and offer them a drink from your bloody pop can.

5. Repeat if necessary, but in my experience after two times, you will never see them out of their beds again.1)Keep something on hand to clean up urine with. That was a hard lesson learned.

6. Sign them up for therapy when they become trained, because it will be weird when you see them in social situations. It’s hard to explain why your kid has a seizure or something, every time someone opens a drink at a party.

The second way will actually help your kids to never want to eat your chips or drink your pop ever again.

1. When your kids aren’t home, open a bag of your favourite snacks and sprinkle some Borax or other powdered cleanser into the bag. Not enough to kill them, but enough to make it blister their lips.

2. Now open a can of pop and dump half of it out. Mix in the cheapest fish oil that your pharmacy has and let it fester.

3. Sit as you normally would, open a new can and bag, then quickly hide them while crinkling the chip bag. When they come out and ask you for some, offer it freely.

4. Even the most stubborn teenagers won’t ask after the third time

I hope that this helped you out. If you have any blow outs because of any advice I’ve given, I am not responsible. Remember that. I don’t need the cops here because you put too much cleanser in the chips. Consider this my disclaimer.

Birdman

P.S. You can send your questions for the Birdman, or possibly Mrs. Birdman, if the question piques her interest, to birdman at changethetopic.com or if you like anonymity, just go to the Harass Us page and put in a fake name and email.

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. Keep something on hand to clean up urine with. That was a hard lesson learned.
May 05

Furry Fandom?

birdmandesk

So I went back and read the old post, How To Properly Shag A Sheep today. I still get a kick out of it, and the fact that roughly thirty people a day, every day read that post.

It’s the sole reason that some ad companies keep sending me emails. I hadn’t written in a year, but still consistently got over a thousand hits a month from all sorts of people.

Sadly, a lot of them got there by searching for phrases like, but not limited to:

  • how to fuck sheep
  • can man fuck sheep
  • sheep vagina
  • sex with sheep

When I got to the end of the post, I noticed a bunch of comments that I hadn’t seen before. One of them, I found kind of odd and disturbing.

kobidobi

Needless to say, I responded in anger at someone who is into zoophilia calling me wicked for being froward.1)adjective 1. (of a person) difficult to deal with; contrary. *I had to look it up.* I’m still trying to figure out what any of this has to do with the Lannisters.

So anyhow, I was on this pinhead’s profile and saw a bunch of posts and videos about people dressed as stuffed animals, and while I stared at the sheer volume of them, Mrs. B came to kiss me good night. I asked her to look at it and she said, “Yeah, they’re furries. It’s a real thing.”

I, of course, had to look into it. It’s real, with conventions and everything else. People have costumes that can cost more than $10000 and some of them have sex with the costumes on. Crazy, huh? I mean, I could understand it if they were Wookies or Storm Troopers, because everybody does that. Right?

Of course I’m kidding. I don’t care who you choose to have sex with, as long as they are into it too. Dress up as Toto, and have your partner be Dorothy for all I care. Hump the living shit out of her leg and leave a stain on the ruby slippers. Fly your freak flag high and proud, I say.

Do not have sex with real animals.

I know, I shouldn’t have to tell you that, but obviously it needs to be said. Go and look at the thread with the idiot and I. He seems to think that it’s okay to have sex with whatever you want, which brings me back to the furries.

the survey was replicated in 2008, and it found 17% of respondents reported zoophilia. The older lower results, which are even lower than estimated in the general population, were due to the methodology of questioning respondents face-to-face which led to social desirability bias.

That’s from the Furry Fandom Wikipedia page.

What the fuck is wrong with people? I know that Blue loves me more than probably anything2)with the exception of eating garbage and smelling things, but I’m certain that he does not want me to fuck him.

I’m absolutely sure of it.

I’ve had lots of female dogs over the years, and many had been in heat, but not once did any of them lift her tail and puff up her vagina to lure me in. Not one time.

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t fuck her even if she was asking for it in concise English. I am not into it, but that’s just me. Call me a prude.

This kobidobidog seems to be okay with it though. Unless he’s a troll, but I don’t think so. There’s too much evidence of him being really into it.

So there it is. I’m going to let the dog out for a pee, and go curl up with my sweet mama. She’s been waiting for several hours.

Word to your moms,

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. adjective 1. (of a person) difficult to deal with; contrary. *I had to look it up.*
2. with the exception of eating garbage and smelling things