Jun 17

Dicks (They Come In Different Shapes And Sizes) – Comedy Open Mic Round 18

Well, if no one else is going to do it, then I will. I’ve had enough of people telling me how big their dick is. Yeah, yeah, I know your dick is bigger than mine, but I don’t need to keep hearing about it.

It’s even harder(no pun intended) now that I have joined the COM Discord server. It’s an international pissing contest over there, and photos are freely shared, especially in @carlgnash’s special room. I get to hear about @amirtheawesome1’s big Iraqi dick, which is oddly a lot paler than I expected, seeing as he’s Iraqi and I generally stereotype everything. @holybranches and @belemo are always going off about how Nigerians have huge black dicks, which I believe because as I’ve previously stated, stereotypes.

Everyone is always playing the dick card in there and I started feeling bad about myself. My dick just doesn’t measure up to the others. While not as short and powerful as Amir’s or as stretched and sinewy as Holy and Belemo’s, the upside is aesthetics. My wife says that mine’s attractive and tells me that size doesn’t matter as much as being non-threatening and safe. (She also says that same-sex friendly is important, but she has this thing where she figures that everyone has a gay streak in them.) Anyhow, that isn’t helpful when I’m already sullen and worried that my dick doesn’t measure up. I do love her for trying though.

So I was kind of getting over the initial shock of seeing their dicks when I see a photo of @doomsdaychassis’s dick. He honestly has the biggest prick I’ve ever seen. The thing is a fucking monster that looks like it eats a pound of bacon every morning and farts out the grease.

That’s flaccid.

I’d hate to see that sucker after a few months of actually getting some exercise.

He says that after however many years of marriage you just give up on sex, so that kind of explains the muscular atrophy and the pastiness, but still, the sheer mass is impressive.

Anyhow, like I said, there is photographic evidence. I should just post it and let you judge for yourself who has the better dick. Not the bigger dick, because I have no shot at that. I know what battles to pick.

 

Here is my dick

Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau looking like a dapper temp in the office. (image source)

and Amir’s dick

Iraq President Fuad Masim
Tasnim News Agency [CC BY 4.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

And here is Holy and Belemo’s dick juxtaposed with Doomsday’s

President Donald Trump and Nigerian President Muhammadu during a news conference in the Rose Garden of the White House in Washington, Monday, April 30, 2018. (image source)

I am posting this as my second entry for Comedy Open Mic Round 18, because I’m a bandwagon jumper from way back and I saw an opening in the sexy body part post trend that has jumped from @beeyou to @abh12345 to @davemccoy.

Why shouldn’t I cash in on this lucrative series as well?

Anyhow, I am going to nominate @deliberator and @bashadow to write some funny for the contest. You can check out this round here and the rules are in that post as well.

Now check out this flashy banner that I hired @kayyam09 to create for me.

He’s working pretty cheap to start out so he can get his name out there, but I imagine it’ll go up pretty quick as the orders pile up. Check out his free stuff too. Recently he made a bunch of dividers like the ones I used in this post.