May 01

I’ve Made The Switch

birdmandesk

I just watched the movie God’s Not Dead. It’s a Christian drama that has made me rethink my agnostic views. I know, I didn’t think it was possible for me to change my mind either, especially seeing how stubborn and strong minded I am, but it happened.

The performances of Dean Cain, Kevin Sorbo, and whoever that little puke is that portrayed Josh, along with the writing have completely swung my vote. Congratulations to all of you.

I am now a full blown, born again atheist.

That’s right, this movie was so bad that it made me sure that not only is there no God, but no omnipotent entity that is watching over us at all.

If there was, everyone involved in the making and distribution of this film would be dead1)At least maimed. right now. I question whether the Nazi propaganda was this poorly written and unbelievable during the war. I don’t think that it could be.

But Birdman, you didn’t believe in God before, why do you say “born again”?

Well, I was an atheist for probably twenty years, and then when I was about 29 I was having a discussion about religion with a very well read and well spoken fellow that posed the question, “Are you that arrogant that you can say with certainty that God doesn’t exist?”

I thought about it for a bit and decided that it was pretty shitty for me to shoot down their beliefs due to lack of proof, when I really had no proof that their god didn’t exist. I thought that being agnostic made me more tolerant to other people’s insane religions, and therefore making me a better person than the religious zealots.

Well, I am that shitty and arrogant now. Thanks, Kevin Sorbo. You fucking hack.

After watching his over the top performance as the atheist professor with the monumental slip-up, I went to the local pawn shop and bought a $4 DVD set of those low budget Hercules shows that he was in and burnt them on the front steps of the church.

Herc_Title_card

The aroma was pleasing to the lord.

The Dean Cain atheist character was probably worse, but didn’t get as much air time as fucking Herc, so I hated him a little bit less. I think that when his atheist girlfriend got cancer and he scolded, belittled, and then dumped her, that we were supposed to seethe and spit fire at how callous those atheists are.

I was too busy laughing at how preposterous the whole scene was. Luckily there was a Christian pop band there to pray for her cancer to go away, so I’m sure she’s fine now.

I guess my favourite part of the movie is at 1:392)Yes, it is that long, and yes, it feels more like seven hours. when Hercules got hit by a car in front of a couple of pastors at the end. The driver sped off and the African holy man immediately touches Herc on the stomach with four fingertips and proclaimed that his ribs were crushed and his lungs were filling with blood.

Wow. This dude is wasting his talents as a triage medic. You couldn’t even hear a gurgle when he spoke to the minister guy about not knowing Jesus, but sure enough, he died right after that guy said he didn’t have long.

Thankfully he accepted Jesus as his saviour in his final throes. Vaya con dios, young Sorbo. You died blood free and with a heart full of light. Not that it is going to help you.

You know, because he is dead. Drowned on his own blood. It silently filled his lungs, but due to Jesus or something, none of it came out his windpipe as he gasped and talked while lying on his back.  I think what made it funnier for me was when I read this on IMDB:

When commenting on the final scene with Kevin Sorbo’s character, producers of the film stated “we felt like we did a good thing. There was a sense of completion and warmth as the principle actors and extras looked over his dead, atheist body. In full Christian spirit, He did away with evil. Really a very beautiful thing. He’s not dead.”

Wow. That’s fucked up. What’s more fucked up is that the movie has a critic approval rating of about 16 at Metacritic and 17% at Rotten Tomatoes, and it still managed to gross more than 67 million. I think I’m going to write a movie about how awesome atheism is, and we’ll see what actors I can get. They will have to be better than the tripe I saw in this movie.

Now, can anyone front us a couple mill to get this show on the road?

Birdman

P.S. That douchebag from Duck Dynasty has some cameos in this too. That should keep you guessing.

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. At least maimed.
2. Yes, it is that long, and yes, it feels more like seven hours.
Apr 25

I Don’t Think I Can Save Your Marriage

birdmandesk

I suppose a bunch of you saw a post shared yesterday that stated “Change The Topic saved my marriage”.

That was a screw up, and I am deeply sorry. So deeply.

I didn’t want the post to go public, but it seems like it did. People started commenting with offers of cheap Viagra, penis extensions, and romantic vacations. It amazes me how helpful strangers will be when they think that someone is having marital troubles. Bravo to canadian pharmacy, Caribbean Cheap Vacays, and super vac ENLARGER for at least trying to help before I just deleted everything on them.

What happened was that I saw this widget that would go in the footer of the new email posts (which will be starting with this one). It was going to rotate between a bunch of fake testimonials that I thought would be very funny, but in the end it turned out to be difficult and shitty, so I abandoned the quest.

I haven’t abandoned the testimonial idea, just that particular one. If any of you want to send in your bogus testimonial about how this blog has greatly improved your life, you can go to the contact page, leave a comment here, or email birdman (at) changethetopic.com.1)Apparently using the word “at” instead of @ means bots can’t find your email and abuse you. Whether it’s true or not, I don’t know.

I will be on the lookout for another way to put them on the blog, and into the subscription emails as well. Whether you care or not, I don’t know. What I do know is that I love this song.

The original by Mickey Newbury is excellent and more somber, but this is the first version I had heard, and it’s from one of my favourite albums of all time, so I put it here for your listening pleasure. It’s also a lot clearer than the original, which was recorded in the late 60s or early 70s and probably copied to Youtube directly from vinyl. I suggest that you listen to both, because there is a beauty to the rawness of music coming off of an actual old album that can’t be felt in a crisp digital remastering.

Not that I’m trying to tell you what to do.2)TAKE A LOOK AT GREEN PARTY POLICIES.

Anyhow, as I mentioned earlier, this is the first post using Postmatic, so if at least one of you could reply to this email (if you are a subscriber), I would greatly appreciate it.

Just any sort of comment is fine. You could tell me how much you like my gut, now that I’ve packed on a few more pounds, or you could give your testimonial about how we have changed your quality of life. These are just examples.

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. Apparently using the word “at” instead of @ means bots can’t find your email and abuse you. Whether it’s true or not, I don’t know.
2. TAKE A LOOK AT GREEN PARTY POLICIES.
Apr 21

Trophy Hunters-The Game

birdmandesk

So I follow Ricky Gervais on Twitter, and he recently had a go at a trophy hunter on there.

  He posted this later. I suppose to explain his stance.

 And this one, which resonates with me.  

It’s a well documented spat, and it’s getting people pretty heated on both sides of the debate. Although I don’t agree with trophy hunting at all; I also don’t agree with shooting trophy hunters and raping their children, which is apparently what some people have threatened Rebecca Francis with since this feud began.

That’s just wrong.

It’s not her children’s fault that she’s their mother. It’s her parent’s fault. As for killing her, I think that I’ve come up with a (probably) legal solution to everybody’s dilemmas.

Wait for it………

A trophy hunter video game!

Yes, I know that there are plenty of trophy hunting video games on the market, but is there one that allows you to hunt other trophy hunters?

Picture it:

You could follow the hunter’s convoy from the guide’s place and sneak in after them. Once they stop for lunch and the trackers go on up ahead, you affix your silencer and begin your prone position crawl through the underbrush to where you can take the *fingers crossed* lethal shot and still have time to get the professional hunter and the trophies of your kill.

Oh yeah, there’s trophies.

Of course you need to mummify it. They will stink if you don't.

Of course you need to mummify it. They will stink if you don’t.

Once you get them mummified, you can add them to your collection.

If you drill out the core and add a stick of graphite, you will have a pretty unique pencil.

If you drill out the core and add a stick of graphite, you will have a pretty unique pencil.

I think that it will work out pretty good if we can get the animal rights people going on it. I’d give 90% of the yearly profits could go to VETPAW and Cruelty Free International, with the other 10% going to development of new games. What do you think about Backyard Breeder Beat Down for a title? It has a nice ring to it. Maybe the third could be called Matador Mayhem, where you get to hide outside of the bullfight ring and jump the bullfighters when they try to leave.

They sound awesome, right? I thought so too.1)Does anyone know any game developers? I have the ideas, but that’s about it.

While we’re on the subject of justice, did you hear about Ian Gibson, the professional hunter that was trampled by a bull elephant that he was tracking?

It’s true. I almost gave a shit about him when I read that it was a gruesome scene, but then I went back to eating licorice and wrestling with the dog. I think that it’s quite a fitting end. I hope that if I can’t get myself shot while jumping in front some innocent people at a drive by, that I will get gored by a moose as I’m lining up a shot on his father.

Circle of life, yo.

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. Does anyone know any game developers? I have the ideas, but that’s about it.
May 05

I’m Going Back To The Land

mindofbirdman

But not in a good way.

Yet.

I’m heading back out west in the morning, and I’m not looking forward to it. I know that I never am, but this time it seems harder. Like having to cut off your own leg kind of harder.

I guess everything is harder when I think about it. Life just seems to get tougher as you get older. Better, but tougher nonetheless. Take the internet for example. It’s here to make our lives better, and in some ways it does. I couldn’t imagine not being able to look up anything that I wondered about at the drop of a hat. The knowledge that I gain from having that privilege is immense.

Then there is the part of the internet that isn’t quite as helpful, but helps to pass the time. You know, for when you are bored, sitting on the toilet, or maybe don’t feel like going out on a Friday night.

Social Media.

Sure it lets you keep up to date with who and what your friends are doing, what coffee and supper looks like, and how cute cats are, but it doesn’t take much to get addicted to it. I know. It happened to me.

As most of you probably know, I quit Facebook recently. Strangely enough, I don’t miss it. I miss a lot of the people, but some of the important ones have joined G+, and the ones who didn’t probably don’t need to get a hold of me anyhow.

No_twitter

I watched this yesterday. Two days after telling Mrs. Birdman that Twitter was getting the axe next. They have been ticking me off lately, what with them sending me notifications about who all of my followers are following. Like I care that they’ve all decided to follow Visa back, or whatever the case may be. Oh, and I have just figured out that there is no value in it for me. Anyhow, this really hit home.

It got me thinking about a lot of things, and one was that I need to stop wasting time online. There’s life out there, and procrastinating with my face tanned from the glow of my phone screen isn’t helping anything. I like information, and I need to start using the internet for what it was made for, which I’m certain isn’t trading cat photos and masturbation.

I need to start using the few years that I have left to do things.

Big things.

Important things.

Things like growing food, creating, and enjoying my time with friends and loved ones, which I suppose are one in the same. I love my family, and shouldn’t be spending my time socking away as many hours as I can work, so that I can come home and be depressed about either having no money, or having to leave the love of my life to go back to work in an industry that I only partially agree with.

For twenty some odd years, I have been thinking, wishing, and dreaming about buying a piece of property for cash and building an earthship home on it. Granted, that would take a lot more money than we have, so I guess we’ll have to just keep on working and dreaming. Dreaming of the day where I can get up in the morning, collect the eggs, move the chicken house over to some fresh grass, and empty the compost toilet.

A lot of people don’t understand the appeal of it, but I know that there are a lot that do, so I know I’m not alone. As I was researching I came across this guy.

His videos were interesting, especially this one. I can relate to his feelings, but not to his past. I find it interesting that so many people from such different walks of life are interested in the shift to more simple living. There are doctors, lawyers, truckers, and probably any other occupation that you can think of that just want to get the hell out of the rat race and slow down to a snail’s pace. I think it’s got to be that people are stopping to think about what they’re doing and realizing that everything that they have been taught all of their life is a big load of BS.

If you get a chance, check out The Story of Stuff Project

If you get a chance, check out The Story of Stuff Project

Whatever the individual reasons are, I am very happy to see people figuring things out, even if it is such a tiny percentage. People can see that things need to change and they are effecting the change themselves. That makes my heart smile.

Anyhow, I should go crawl into bed with the most beautiful soul that a person could know, and see if I can get my feet warmed up. I’ve got a long day of travelling and feeding the corporate machines.

For now.

Birdman

Mar 19

So You Want To Be Popular?

Birdman Living with a couple of pre-teen girls makes me privy to a lot of topics that I had completely forgotten about.

One of these things is the desire of young people to be popular.

Now, we all know that this isn’t a new thing*, but it does seem to be happening at a much younger age now. I would estimate a full two grades younger around here; maybe more in an urban setting.

* Remember these two?
Listen, I've got this whole high school thing psyched out.

Listen, I’ve got this whole high school thing psyched out.

 Needless to say, I have watched the whole series. Add that to my experience of wanting to be popular myself, and you get a chance to learn from my, and other’s, mistakes.
School is a tough racket, but I think I have a few tidbits of advice to help you kids make it to adulthood with your sense of self intact.

1. Be nice to people.

That’s it. Just be nice to people. Whether they can help you in any way or not, treat them with kindness and respect, until a time comes that they don’t deserve it. Don’t assume that because someone doesn’t “fit in” with the people that you consider cool, that those people aren’t worth your friendship. They usually are.

I say “usually”, because some people are mean, and it doesn’t matter what you do. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be kind to them too, I’m just saying that I don’t expect you to go out of your way. That doesn’t mean you can treat them poorly though. There is a reason that they are angry, and it’s probably because their life isn’t as charmed as yours is.

While you think you have it tough when you don’t get all of the things that your friends have, some kids only get to look forward to abuse and cruelty when they get home. Consider that before you take any actions toward them. They probably have enough crap to deal with after school.

2. Always stand up for what you think is right.

Throughout your life you will see injustice firsthand. Don’t be party to it, and don’t ignore it, just because it “isn’t your problem”. Remember: a fat lip or a bloody nose only hurts for a short while, but your memories can haunt you for a lifetime. If you see something that needs to be stopped; stop it. You will feel proud of yourself, and you might even get a cool scar to show your kids when they ask about the time you saved Suzanne’s* mom from a bunch of bullies.

* It will probably be something like Trinzy’s mom, but I keep dreaming of names staying quasi-normal for a few years.

3. Conduct yourself with honour and integrity.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”

― Mark Twain

I bet Mark Twain would have been a great friend to have.

I bet Mark Twain would have been a great friend to have.

Take it from me, lying and being sneaky will bring you nothing but grief and poor sleep. When I was young, I used to lie all the time. I thought it worked out well for me.

It didn’t.

Sure, you might get away with it for a while, but in the end you’ll be in a confession booth or therapist’s chair, and you’ll probably melt someone’s mind with the fury in which you unleash your guilt. This isn’t healthy for anyone, so if you feel like being dishonest about something; choose your words wisely. They can come back to bite you twice as hard if they aren’t true.

4. Listen to others, but think for yourself.

Some of this stuff I practiced from an early age, but most of it I have adopted after seeing that it was much better than the way I was doing it. I really wish I had listened to my folks and my heart instead of people who weren’t going to matter in the end. Always consider the source when getting advice on anything. Your heart will tell you what to do, and as long as you aren’t evil, it is probably pretty close to correct.

I guess that’s about it for now. If you follow these, and a whole bunch of other rules, you will find that as you get older, you will never be without friends that are as true to as you are to them.

No matter where you go.

Someone I’ll always laugh with, even at my worst I’m best with you,

Birdman