Nov 21

Frick

This is one of those stories that I was reminded of tonight by a friend. It takes place in various spots in Northern BC and it involves one of the nicest, most naive men I’ve ever known. His name is Frick, because the motherfricker said it so often. Seriously. The only time he would actually swear, was when he was quoting what someone else had said. The funny thing was that working in the oilfield gave him lots of opportunity to cuss his face off, while never having to actually swear. The first time I was ever in a vehicle with him was really weird. He drove extremely fast on really bad roads, all the while telling me stories with lots of swearing in quotations. I’ll try to demonstrate with Frick in quotation marks and the original quote in italics. Keep in mind that there are quotes inside of quotes, and the entire thing is a quote from Frick Continue reading

Aug 01

Okay, I’ll Bite. (Into A Juicy Chick-fil-A Sandwich)

There, I said it. I would eat a Chick-fil-A sandwich, just on principle.Wait, let me state my case before you get all crazy on me, you buncha homo lovers.

From the info I’ve pulled off of Wikipedia, Chick-fil-A started a charity in 1984 called the WinShape Foundation, which has a sister foundation called Lifeshape. Now the WinShape Foundation, from what I can tell, gives money to Eagle Forum, Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Marriage and Family Legacy Fund, Family Research Council, Exodus International, and Focus On The Family. They also have some sort of affiliation with the Pennsylvania Family Institute.

Now most of you know my feelings about religion and the folks who spout it, so you would think that I would be all over these people, but how is that any different than them trying to silence me?┬áThe thing is that my stance on freedom of speech overrules that. Just like I’m free to say what I want about religion, sex, and whatever other bullshit that I’m spewing, they are free to believe what they want and say it as loud as they want. Well, as long as there’s not a curfew where they are. No one is allowed to just be screaming their head off all night. Lights out at eleven, peeps.

Yes, even for them.

Continue reading

May 28

Praise Jesus

Quite a bit of cursing in this one. Just saying. Or is it jus’ sayin’? Oh fuck, who really cares, anyhow?

So, for those of you that don’t follow comic books, let me fill you in on something…

I don’t follow comic books either.

I do follow stupid shit though, so when I saw this on a friend’s Facebook wall, I had to investigate.

Tabar-fucking-nak

Yes, I was informed that the white dude in the left-hand picture is an openly gay, Quebecois superhero from the X-Men comic books. What in the fuck is this world coming to? Do you seriously think that children need to be exposed to this sort of abomination? It’s bad enough that they have to see these freaks on television, in our hockey games, or in our makeshift military, but now we have to see them in our comic books as well. They have even taken over Las Vegas, mincing about in their colourful costumes, and their tight leotards. I remember when Vegas was reserved for real men, like Old Blue Eyes, Sammy Davis Jr. and Deano. Jesus Christ, they’d be rolling in their graves right now if they could see the shit that’s going on in the world. Continue reading

Apr 10

Easter Is Over, Thank Christ

It’s true, I have eaten my last bit of ham and scalloped potato for a while. It was a good little spell, and the kids got spoiled by everyone, but what can you do? You sure can’t control anyone else, or what they buy for the girls. I guess it’s kind of like Christmas in a way, but this year we are going to do things differently. All of the kids are putting their name in a hat, and there will be one present bought per child. It’s too much anymore. By the time Santa gets here, there will be ten grandkids. That’s eight or nine gifts per family, and that’s too much. Way too much really, because there are six of us kids, and that means that every grandkid would get five gifts, not including what their parents, or grandparents get them.

132.5/litre here today. Fucking gross

Continue reading

Mar 07

Kirk Fucking Cameron

It’s true, I’m a bit of an asshole

Jesus H Christ, where the hell did he come from all of a sudden. My friend Emmy posted a video on Facebook that I just couldn’t watch all at once. I made it to the part where he said that marriage was defined by God as “One man, one woman for life till death do you part.” He went on to finish with “So do I support the idea of gay marriage? No, I don’t.”

Holy fuck. Where do I even begin with that?

I’m not even talking about what he does or doesn’t support. I don’t give two shits what Kirk Cameron supports. I didn’t even know he was “a thing” anymore. What pissed me off the most was when he said that marriage was defined by God as one man and one woman.

So what’s the deal then, God gets to just change the rules, but no one else can? All of the chosen people had several wives, and they were fully endorsed by God. So what is it Kirk? Are we going to literally translate the bible now? If we are, then you need to explain a few things to everyone. First of all, how did we all get here from one man(Adam) and his wife(Eve)? We know that they had a couple of kids, and one killed the other, so that leaves two dudes and a chick. Hey, that’s a good way to start out a porno, but that’s her son. Gross. So where did all of the people come from? It says that Cain all of a sudden acquired himself a wife, but from where? I have read the old testament, but don’t remember that being explained to me.

Fucking hillbillies. This isn’t Kentucky you know?

There are a few other things that I’m wondering about, that I hope you can help me with.

19: And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even.
20: And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean.
21: And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.
22: And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.
23: And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even.
24: And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean.

I want to make sure you haven’t came in contact with your wife while she was menstruating, because if you have, you had better get to repenting, you unclean prick.

27:Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

I noticed that you are clean shaven. I’m going to overlook it this time, but if I find out you’ve shaved again, I will smite you down with my rod.

The list goes on and on, and while I want to go toe to toe with you on this bullshit, I am afraid it will turn me more like you. You know, closed minded, obtuse, assholish. I have been trying for years to improve myself, and when people like you speak, it sets me back months. All I feel is rage and anger towards people who feel so self righteous that they will tell others that they aren’t living their lives properly or justly.

So fuck you, you judgy cunt. Go back under your rock, and see if you can pick up some more prehistoric views on the world. You should also try to diminish some more people for their views and actions, especially seeing as they aren’t hurting anyone with all of their love and peace.

Where’s all of your love? In your big church? I prefer for real people to see mine, not some fictitious character from a fable written before Christ was a cowboy. I want to know why you would have a problem with two people who love each other getting married, and who gave you an opinion on who is right and who is wrong anyhow? I thought that was for your God to decide. If he does exist, and he has a problem with it, then he and his cronies can dole out the punishment on their own time. You can use your time on earth to relax and enjoy some of the money that your ministry is making. With all of the different cash generators that you have under your umbrella, you and Ray must have it made in the shade.

Oh right, I forgot that you spent a shitload of money republishing The Origin Of Species in an abridged format, and distributed them to schools. Real classy. Go after the children and mouldable teenagers. Nice that you left out four chapters and added an introduction slamming Darwin’s life and work as well. Hey, why argue with fact, when you can just erase it and not have to deal with all of those “questions” that keep coming up.

To my Christian friends, this is not a slight towards you, because you have never gotten publicly cunty about how awesome Jesus and the bible are. Not in front of me anyhow. I just get angry sometimes, and then I rant. I’m sorry if I offended you by mocking your beliefs openly, and not showing you the respect you deserve.

Who am I kidding? Why would any of my Christian friends be reading this?

Michael row the boat ashore, Hallelujah,

Birdman