May 12

Old Draft #1

I am going through the hundreds of drafts that were started many years ago, and posting them when I don’t have time to write. Some are incomplete, but if they are close, I will finish them up or something. Here’s the first one. I think it was about two or three years ago.

Four Days

That’s how long I have to wait for my sweet baby’s embrace. I’m practically vibrating, and that’s after doubling up on Robaxacet and Gravol, so I should be comatose.

Oh yeah, I sort of fucked up my shoulder at work, but I’ll get it looked at when I get home. The last time I got hurt out here, Worker’s Compensation wouldn’t let me move home, because my employer was offering light duty work. The problem was that light duty is 40 hours a week at a reduced wage. It wasn’t enough to pay the bills and live at the same time, and there is no way they are telling me I’m not going home on Thursday.

Not happening.

I really miss those girls of mine, and the rest of my family and friends too, but this trip wasn’t a waste, even though we were shut down a lot. I spent the first week I was there, with John and Leona, and their family and it was great as always. John mentioned to me, as we were talking about homes and that feeling you get when you’re at home, that they never feel at home in their house. That seems odd to me, because when I’m there, it feels a lot like their home. Leona is always cooking up a good supper, Johnny is half snoring on the couch, and Cooper is knocking over a tray of chocolates or other goodies,

I got to spend a few days with Aaron, Lannie, and the boys over the holidays, and Lannie’s folks invited me over for one of the best meals I’ve had in a long time. It really made it easier for me to be away from home, and as much as I would have liked the overtime, that money wouldn’t buy a night of darts and rum in the garage, or the look on Lannie’s face when I told her about the shit lunches we were fed at the old Lennox camp. I also would have missed the boys, who are growing up too fast, calling me by my first and last name. All the time.

“Chris Bird, do you know which Ninja Turtle this is?” or, “Hey Chris Bird, do you want to come for a Ski-Doo ride with us?”

I can’t help but smile every time. They are really good kids, and I miss them when I’m not there. As much as I like most of the work I do out here, it’s my friends that are the deciding factor for me. Yes, the money’s good, but it’s just money, and we can get by without me coming out here to work. It’s just that I miss it. I miss so many things about this area, and the weird thing is that even the worst of it holds a place in my heart. Maybe it’s because it is the first place that I just said “Fuck it. I’m going to Fort St. John to find some work.”, and that’s exactly what I did. I worked, made some great friends, and I learned a lot about myself here.

I learned how independent I can be, and also how far into depression I can sink. It’s pretty far, but I’m sure I would be a lot deeper if Aaron hadn’t of told me to move the fuck home. I’m pretty sure those were his words, but there might have been a “…you miserable fuck.” added on for good measure. He could see it, even though I couldn’t. I knew I was fucked up, with the anxiety attacks and shit, but I didn’t realize I was depressed too. Well maybe I did, but I sure wasn’t admitting it to myself. So I took his advice and packed my shit up and went home.

Then I re-met Mrs. Birdman. We went on some dates, and after a while, we fell in love. I fell a lot sooner than she did, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that she makes my heart bust open like a can of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls and no matter how much I love spending time with my friends, I like spending time with her more. I really miss you baby, and I can’t wait for you to blow into my mouth as I give you a big, tooth kiss.

Am I the only one who gets the ducklip memos?

Am I the only one who gets the ducklip memos?


May 11

Conversations With Blue


This morning Blue came up to bed as everyone else was getting ready for their day. I was trying to avoid getting up before ten, so I turned his whining into a conversation to drag out my lounging. Hey, it’s not my fault that he didn’t feel like eating when I let him out at 6:30.


Blue: (high pitched hunger whine)

Me: What’s the matter, boy? Are you okay? Come up here in the bed for a minute.

Blue jumps up on the bed and mashes my face and balls with his jaggedy pins and does another whine.

“What is it? Oh, you’re sad because I’m leaving tomorrow, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I hate it when you go away. Every time you go, it’s for years.”

“No, it’s never been more than a few months. I think that you’re exaggerating.”

“No, I am not exaggerating. I can tell by all of the new gray hairs that you have when you come home. Why do you have to keep leaving? I love our mornings laying in bed. Rub my belly. With both hands. You know you have two.”

“Okay, I’ll rub it for a minute, but then I’m going back to sleep. The reason I have to go back out, is to get things ready for when we move. You know that we are moving, right?”

“I heard you guys talking about it. Are we all going? Usually it’s just me that moves. I’ve had a bunch of different families. I like it here with you guys though. I even like the lady now. She is really nice to me. The kids always hug me too. I hope I get to move with you.”

“Oh buddy, that makes me sad. I love you so much. Yeah we are all going. You and I will be on the bus, and your mom and sisters will be flying out. It’s going to be a long trip, but I don’t think that you would like to be stuck in an airplane hold for hours at a time.”

“No, I would rather stay on the ground, because flying seems unnatural. I will protect you on the bus, so you can sleep. I won’t let any crazy guys cut your head off and eat it.1)That insane prick got out the other day, so be on the lookout.

“Thanks, boy, but we are driving our own bus out. Your nana might come too. You’ll like it where we are going. You can go to visit Woody and chase deer off of his yard. He would like to have a hunting buddy. There are all kinds of mountains and forests out there, so you will have all kinds of places to run.”

“Oh Daddy, that sounds so fun. I’m your good, running boy. I like to run fast. Can we take the squirrel with the white tail with us? He’s my friend and I like to chase him up the tree. Can you please scratch where my nuts used to be?”

“You bet I can. How’s that? I know you like to chase him, but we can’t take him. There are no walnut trees out there for him to get his food. You can probably fight a bear or a cougar though. Do you think you’d like that?”

“Oh, that’s really good. I know it’s been three years, but the scar still itches. I don’t know what bears and cougars are, but I probably would like to fight one.”

“Here, I’ll show you some photos.”

Grizzly Bear Standing And Roaring Rocky Mountains

Grizzly Bear Standing And Roaring Rocky Mountains

And here’s a cougar.



“Daddy, I would fight the bear if was hurting you, but I think we should stay away from them if we can. As for the cougar, I’d hump her leg, if I still had my man juice.”

“Haha, I know you would, buddy. Me too. This is what a real cougar looks like.”

“Jesus, no. You know I get scared of the cat at our pet store. I never want to fight a cougar.”

“Yeah, me neither. I guess we had better get you fed. It will probably be the last time I get to before I come back. I’m really going to miss you, my good boy. You are the best dog I’ve ever had.”

“Can we please not talk about it? Just keep rubbing.”

Never stop rubbing

Never stop rubbing


Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. That insane prick got out the other day, so be on the lookout.
Apr 24

I’ll Email You


No, not the Two Girls, One Cup video. That was done to me once and I’m still afraid to yawn in public.

My blogmeister friend, Jack has recently started using a plug in called Postmatic to change the way interactions work on his blog. Check him out over at The Jack B and see what you think of his set up. While you’re there, read some of his posts, he has a lot to choose from and he knows what he’s doing.

It’s no secret that I enjoy interacting with most of you, and that I would lov e to get more than an occasional thumbs up or +1 after you have read a post. This new system would send the post to your email if you subscribe to the blog, and then allow you to reply to the email instead of having to click the link and go to the blog to leave a comment.

Do you think that it would be something you would find hip and cool? As cool as Crazy Horses by The Osmonds?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Nothing is that cool

I try to ignore the fact that they are probably the reason that boy bands became a thing. Well, them and The fucking Monkees.

So last night I went over to Beatbox’s place and he set up my Android TV for me. It is the most beautiful and complex piece of machinery I have ever used and it brings out the nerd in me faster than seeing Han Solo in the new Star Wars trailer. I look forward to a long life of constant upgrades with this baby, and if wasn’t so late, I would have stuck around and rubbed beard oil into his luscious batch of chin whiskers for all the help he gave me.

You can find this shit HERE

You can find this shit HERE

They have some pretty cool stuff for dudes there, and a few fancy things for the ladies. It’s all handmade goodness, too.

Yes, I’m still anti-Walmart and pro small business. Call it a sickness, if you want, but I don’t think that I will ever change my ways. I just can’t see how a global economy helps us as a country. If you can explain it to me, I will try to listen.

Anyhow, my feet are getting cold. I think I’ll go and warm them up on Mrs. Birdman’s legs. She’s like a furnace.


Apr 08

I Love That Boy


Relax, I’m talking about my dog Blue.

Something I’ve been thinking about for a while now, is how he occasionally gets this worried look on his adorable face when I approach him. It’s not a frightened look, per se, but more like a “I hope the beating doesn’t hurt too bad.” kind of look. Oh, and he just stands there, not looking at me.

Sometimes he thinks he's a real boy.

Sometimes he thinks he’s a real boy. This isn’t the look.

When the hugging, playing, or whatever we’re doing starts, he takes a moment to compose himself, and I wonder what happened to him in his earlier years to make him like that.

Does it have something to do with why he doesn’t like beer bottles, fireworks, or handguns? I would imagine it does.

He is from North Carolina, after all.

I know he trusts me, because he shows me that every day, but that look always makes me feel bad for him. It’s just one of those pity feelings, like the feeling you get when someone you know gets hurt and never fully recovers.

Yeah, you’re happy that they are alive, but you can’t help wishing that you could go back in time and stop something from happening.

Mrs. Birdman assures me that he has a great life now, and that he appreciates and loves how well he has it. I think it’s true. I do know that it’s better than the gas chamber he was headed for, but I still get those pangs of sadness for him. I still feel like even though he’s gained a life; somewhere, sometime, he’s lost one. I hope he gets it back.

Don't worry boy. I won't tell your mom that your stinky, slimy toy touched her pillow.

Don’t worry boy. I won’t tell your mom that your stinky, slimy toy touched her pillow.

So yeah, at some point he was mistreated, but he’s resilient, as dogs usually are, and he keeps on living his life of protecting his yard from vermin, or occasionally climbing the stepstool to lick the butter.

Only a couple of licks. He doesn’t want to get the squirts.

I can’t stress enough for people to rescue an animal instead of buying a from a puppy mill pet store, or backyard breeder. If you’re not sure how to tell, please do your research. Every time that you support one of these despicable markets, another abused animal is forced to breed and birth a handful of puppies. I’m not going to show the pictures, but believe me, they’re out there.

I can honestly say that I don’t know what I’d do without our boy, because he has helped me through a lot of my darkness. It’s like he can feel it when it’s time to stop playing and just get hugged. I don’t know how many times that I’ve been sitting at the computer and just had the urge to go in and lay down with him on the bed, but every single time, he snuggles right in and makes me smile.

Did I mention that he was a shedder?

Did I mention that he was a shedder?

Smiling is always good.

Anyhow, I guess it’s fight time, so I had better get what’s left of the squeaky toy and get in there. The fights can’t start without me.

Properly, I mean.

Inside the fire’s burnin me, in my mind you just keep turnin me, every which but loose,


P.S. I was going to put the lyrics for that song in the horrible Sarah MacLachlan commercial, but decided that it wasn’t going to help me win the fight with the boy, so I went with something a little more scrappy.

The movie, not the song. Right turn, Clyde.

P.S.S. There are a lot of great pet rescues out there, so look one up in your area. Maybe you can’t take a dog right now, but most of them would probably love some help walking, feeding, and generally being there for the animals that are already in the shelter. Donations are always welcome as well, because these places aren’t cheap to run.

We got Blue from a lady named Miranda near Norwood, ON. You can find her at Save My Tail or on their Facebook page.

Apr 04

Eeeek, I Shopped At Walmart

And you’ll never guess what I got there.

I know, I know. I’m never going to live it down, but hear me out. I lifted my boycott a couple of years ago when I found out that they were carrying more products that were made in Canada, so I decided to lighten up on them a bit. From what I understand, Walmart Canada is run differently than the US, but all of the profits still end up there, so it doesn’t get me all giddy or anything.

What does get me giddy is seeing my friend Steph. Actually, seeing anything is good, which is how I ended up at Walmart in Trenton, Ontario.

I forgot my glasses out west in the dump truck, and was left with these.

They're a 10 year old prescription on safety lenses.

They’re a 10 year old prescription on safety lenses.

I was thinking about getting someone to ship my glasses to me, when I thought about it. They are a couple of years old, I hate them, and the prescription was taken off of these decade old safety lenses by a drunk chick. It really isn’t worth the few bucks to get them shipped.

So I got an eye exam and then went to see Steph, who is an optician at the Walmart in Trenton, Ontario. When I looked at the situation, it didn’t really matter where I got my glasses. I checked all of the stores around, and online, but they are all made overseas. So I figured I would keep my friend working for at least another hour or two.

She helped me try on glasses like these.

Nerdy, but dead sexy professor.

Nerdy, but dead sexy professor.

And these,

I think that these came in second.

I think that these came in second.

And a whole bunch of other ones as well, but these were the ones we settled on.

Apparently they are nice. They're comfortable, so I like that.

Apparently they are nice. They’re comfortable, so I like that.

Steph picked these ones, but I wasn’t sold, so I put it to a vote on G+. Everyone must understand that the voting is just so I get to try things on, while the final decision is made by Mrs. Birdman, and she picked them too. Actually, almost everyone chose them, so I guess my sense of style sucks.

There was a two pair deal (shocker), so I took it, because I needed some decent sunglasses as well. This was also put to a vote, and these were the winners by Steph, Mrs. B, and almost all of the five voters.

These totally distract you from noticing my wattle.

These totally distract you from noticing my wattle. Doh!

In case you are now saying to yourself, “Birdman is whipped. Why would he blindly let his wife pick out his glasses? Be a man.”, think about this.

I rarely look in the mirror, as most people can tell by my hair, so I will rarely see the glasses.


I like to cocoon, and nobody wants to cocoon with someone wearing these.

Not as creepy as Jon LaJoie, but that's just because of my grin.

Not as creepy as Jon LaJoie, but that’s just because of my grin.

All in, I got two pairs of good quality glasses; one with polarized tint, and both with all the coatings and such, for $340. That seems like a pretty good deal to me. I wear my glasses all day, every day when I’m working, and I want to know that my lenses are matched up with my eyes, because I know what it’s like to have a pair of specs that are a bit off. It can make for some pretty bad headaches, and can probably result in your eyes getting tired or something. (I’m looking for scientific confirmation here.)

Anyhow, if you find that you need glasses, and you aren’t sure who to see, I highly recommend that you head down to Trenton and look for this beautiful face in the Wallymart Vision Centre.

The one on the right. You'll have a hard time finding me there before my next pair.

The one on the right. You’ll have a hard time finding me there before my next pair.

If you don’t see her, just ask for Stephanie. I’ve been wearing glasses since I was six years old, and have been fitted for a lot of pairs. She knows what she’s doing, and takes her career very seriously.

There, now that’s probably the last time you will ever see me recommend Walmart for anything.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,


(I was in no way compensated for this post. I just like to pass on tales of great service. – CB)