Jun 16

This Is F*ck*ng Exciting! For Me – Comedy Open Mic Round 18

For Change The Topic followers:

So as most of you know I have switched over to writing on https://www.steemit.com.

It’s a blogging platform on the Steem blockchain, and while I can’t get into the whole cryptocurrency discussion of it all, I can speak to the blogging aspect.

The main thing I like about it is that it has me creating again. Both Mrs. Birdman and I. We’re back to doing Therapy Thursdays again as well, and we are going to be doing them via video if anyone ever sends us their problems again.

Now, I know that not really writing anything for years has led to a complete lack of engagement on here, so I don’t expect that many are still following, but I do enjoy having things I write on here and have really enjoyed going back through old posts and reliving my not so distant youth.

There are some things I don’t even remember writing.

There are a lot of other great things about it, but getting rich is not one of them. I was under the impression that money flowed like wine from a soccer mom’s juice bottle, but I was misinformed.

It’s actually a cryptocurrency called Steem, and it flows more like me trying to poop after eating the whole cheese ball at Nana’s. Fuck off, it was full of Old Nippy and it was delicious.

Like I said, I don’t know anything about crypto. (That’s what we call cryptocurrency on Steemit. We’re all hip to the terms and shit.) I know that the price of crypto has been going down, so the value of my account has been going down as well. It was worth about $300 and it’s now worth about $150. I have also given a lot of my SBD away for contest prizes and stuff like that because I’m in this more for the long haul and I feel that positively impacting the platform where most of the creators are struggling to be seen, will help with longevity.

I’m not doing this to make a quick buck. I could throw a few handies out behind a gym if I was looking for that.

Hold on a sec. Did you catch that I implied that there were gays hanging out at gyms? That was just me throwing shade because I’m fat and pretending that I’m above going to a gym because of the gay guys that may or may not be there.

I’m not. It’s actually laziness that keeps me away from the gym. If we could guarantee to run into some decent gay guys, I’m sure Mrs. Birdman and I would both be there trying to lure them into our web. I mostly just want someone to explain some of the jokes on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

I get a kick out of that show, but there are some jokes where everyone is laughing, but I’m just sitting there, smiling, and waiting for the punchline.

Anyhow, the reason I’m so excited now is that there is a new plugin for my WordPress blog that will publish the post to Steemit without having @cheetahbot and @steemcleaners coming at you for plagiarising your own content. This is awesome because the interface in WordPress is way easier to use than writing code into Steemit.

It’s called SteemPress

This means I can publish on Change The Topic and simultaneously to my Steemit account. Apparently without a hitch. This post is a test, plus I figured I could use it as an entry for Comedy Open Mic as well.

So here are my nominations and a banner that was made by @matytan

I am nominating @kayyam09 and @cryptkeeper17 to join in the fun.

You can find out what you need to know about the contest here

They are a great bunch of fucking degenerates, and I know that they partly feel the same about me. (If you didn’t pick up on my subtlety, I was saying they think I’m a fucking degenerate.)

Anyhow, hope to see more of you around and check things out. You might just find a reason to get out of bed in the afternoon.

Jun 02

Calling All Canadians

Do you know what I love?

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Yep, that’s right. I fucking love @comedyopenmic, (from here on in called COM) and I am proud to say it. It’s a fantastic community full of funny, helpful people, that really love to laugh and to make others laugh.

Do you know what I hate?

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(image source)

When my forehead tattoo becomes obsolete, and every kid that pulls up to the drive-thru when I’m on shift asks me what it means.

It means get some fucking culture. You’ve really never heard of Larry The Cable Guy?

Another thing I love is the COM Discord channel. When you’re in there you can shoot the shit, lounge around Carl’s cock room, or get some comedic troubleshooting done.

Speaking of comedic lessons, you can check out one of Amir’s Comedy School posts to get some tips on how to tickle the funny bone of a potential mate, or in @belemo‘s case, how to tickle your own funny bone. (I think he calls it that because of its unnatural downward curve when erect.)
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(possibly a touch of jaundice as well.)(image source)

Something I don’t love is that I seem to be the only Canadian that is active in the COM Discord channel, so when I’m at the computer, all of the others are asleep. When I get up at 5 AM, I am just in time to say goodnight to everyone and then scroll through to see all the fun they had without me there.

I sense a lot of people thinking, ‘We always have more fun when you aren’t around.’ and to them, I say…

…nothing because it’s hard to talk through a veil of tears and dashed hopes of friendship.

So I’m calling on all Canucks to rally with me to defend this great injustice against our people. Everyone knows that we produce some of the finest comedy faces known to man.
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(Only a few, if any, will understand this.)(image source)

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(I fucking hope these aren’t in order of importance, or someone’s got some splainin’ to do.)(image source)

Do any of you know the feeling of sending a bunch of inane messages into all the channels, only to be awakened by a series of dings at 9:30 PM?

What? I go to bed at 9. Fuck off, I’m old and have to get up at 5. I also forget to turn my ringer off most nights.

It’s not like the old days when I could party until 4 AM because I just got fired and my girlfriend wasn’t home. I really didn’t have to get up for anything. Also, I think I invented the girlfriend because I lived in a 1987 Dodge Caravan and liked to snort oven cleaner. Even if she was real, you know you couldn’t trust her.

Anyhow, I’m calling on all of you Canadians to rise to the occasion and submit an original entry to #comedyopenmic and show these fucking Aussies, Brits, Nigerians, Indonesians, Phlips, and Indians that we hosers know how to gut punch. I can feel their taunts.

Mostly because they actually type them out.
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(I thought they were giving me my own room, but it turns out they just really like Game Of Thrones.)

I know it’s mostly in jest, but it still hurts that I don’t have anyone here to mourn the loss of The Rick Mercer Report and Gord Downie with. There’s nobody here to lament about the constant rise of maple syrup prices or the collateral damage of beavers damming up the roadsides.

It’s a harsh reality and it’s mine.

Laugh if you will, because that is the ultimate goal of COM, but know this: winter is coming and we are going to be prepared for that motherfucker. We’ve got our cold weather gear at the ready and the kids(in the hall) are out there stacking firewood as we speak.

All we need now are your funnies to join the fight. If you don’t have a Steemit account, they’re free, so go get one HERE and while you’re waiting to get approved, start writing, singing or videoing??? your best comedy jabs. I don’t know about next week, but the grand prize this week is 55 SBD, which is close to $100 USD and I’m not good with math but that must be about $3700 CDN, right? You can buy a fleet of canoes, a large poutine, and a two-four with that.

You can find out more about it in this post right here

Comedy Open Mic Comedy Contest – Round 16

It’s a lot of fun and it makes Jerry fucking Banfield easier to take when you have comedy (and flaming red lips) to soften the blowjob.If you are on Steemit, what the hell are you waiting for? Get in here and rock out with your proverbial cock out. Also, get your ass in to vote @comedyopenmic as witness. It will make you feel good about yourself. Probably even negate that thing you did that’s been keeping you up at night.

Alright, I see @idikuci coming with the hook, so I guess that’s my time. Please help me, before they start throwing darts at pictures of Anne Murray and Gordon Lightfoot again. I can’t take any more of that blaspheme.

Keep rockin’, Gordie

 

Feb 11

So I Was Going Through A Year Of Blog Emails

Yeah, I forgot to add the blog webmail app to my last two phones, so it’s been a while.

There were hundreds of unchecked emails, but only about twenty that I actually cared about. Those were the companies wanting me to write about their shit, or them wanting me to post something they wrote about their shit.

I responded to all of them except the eight that were absolutely a no go.

Of the twelve, one has responded back with affirmation of pure joy, but they were very good at not showing any emotion at all.

Coincidentally, they were the ones that I was most intrigued by. Mostly because of their offer. They were willing to give me a credit on their client’s website if I wrote about the product.

It is a site called Paperless Post.

They do e-cards and that sort of thing.

You can get simple.

Hey, if you’re going to drop a bomb on someone, make it a good one.

But why not go all out? They also have fancy shit.

As I looked around the site, I realised that I had absolutely no use for any of the products at the moment, but didn’t feel right about getting their hopes up and then saying I wasn’t interested.

You also can’t tell someone that you will write something for them and then take months, or most likely years, to actually get around to it. Especially when you command the attention of more than dozens of people.

So I have decided that I will let you all spend my credit frivolously.

That’s right.

Frivolously and with wanton abandon.

  1. Go to Paperless Post and pick out anything from their site, or I can pick something for you. (take a screenshot or get the name)
  2. Compose an email to birdman@changethetopic.com
  3. Send me the info and the email address you want the card sent to.
  4. Wait.
  5. Let me know what you thought of the lavish gift in a reply to the original email. Scale of 1-10 should be fine.
  6. At the end, we will tally up the site and collectively do a review.

They said the credit will be there within the next three days, so when it goes in, I will start the shitshowfestivities.

Birdman

P.S. Bonus points for creativity.

Feb 03

Back On Day Shift

And it’s about fucking time.

I know I’m getting old, because having to work the afternoon shift totally fucks with my internal clock, and it never used to be this way. For two months every winter I have to go on nights, which isn’t bad, but when you are used to getting up at 4:45 every morning, it’s hard to stay up until after midnight.

Well, for the first few weeks it was. Then you get used to it.

You learn how to take naps, befriend the sleep app, and block out the getting ready for school noises that start at 6:45. You also learn how to wind down after work for a few hours by playing every type of solitaire and jigsaw puzzle app.

Then you switch back to getting up at 4:45, but it lasts for the next ten months, so everything is right again with the world.

That’s another sign that you are getting old.

When I was younger, a good party didn’t end until 5 AM and I had to listen to the old people tell me about how the early morning is the best time of the day. Now I consider 6 AM “sleeping in”.

What the hell happened to my youth?

I’m 46 and whenever I hear there’s a dance at the Community Centre, I hope that Travous doesn’t turn the music up too loud, because we’re only a block away and it might annoy me if I feel the slightest thump of bass.

When did I become a hermit/curmudgeon?

When did I get to the point that a gallon of (actually tasty) moonshine would still be in the house after two years, and a dozen beer could last months?

If Bugsy were out here he’d kick me square in the nuts. Then he’d drink the moonshine, go to the dance, and likely go home with at least one elderly lady.

What happened to this guy?

I suppose it’s inevitable that we all grow up sooner or later, and I guess that to a lot of people I took longer than expected, but I eventually got here. Now my fun is trying to get things to grow, snuggling in for an early bedtime and watching Youtube videos about homesteading. My priorities have changed, and while I don’t miss the old me, I do enjoy going back and reading old posts and looking at old photos. They remind me that I took a journey. It was extremely fun and contained a lot of characters that will always remain in my heart and in my fondest memories, but like all journeys must come to and end.

My new journey is proving to be fun, just with a lot more stability and planning. I’m excited for the future now, where as I used to be excited just for the present.

The way I see it is, as long as there’s still excitement, you might as well keep on living your life.

Birdman

Jan 16

Well, Another Year With Nothing To Say

I suppose that’s not entirely true. It should probably read:

Well, Another Year With Not Much Said

I have had a lot to say, if the truth be known, I just didn’t get a chance to say it on here.

Or I just didn’t. It’s not like I couldn’t access the internet.

Since simplifying our lives a great deal, we have changed the way we do a lot of things. I have quit working in the oilfield, and after a year or so, have lucked into a year round job with our local, provincial highway maintenance contractor.

It’s a pretty sweet gig.

It’s been many years since I had a steady schedule and actual benefits, let alone a pension plan, plus I get more home time than I’ve had since being unemployed and writing this blog in my underwear after six cups of coffee.

I just haven’t been spending it as online as I used to.

I still have G+ and Twitter, and have enjoyed quite a lot of Reddit, but I mostly just look at things. You know, funny GIFs and cat pics/videos.

Oh yeah, did I mention that we got some cats last winter?

A really caring family had an unexpected litter and set about to finding them homes.

It didn’t start out like most ads to get rid of unwanted kittens. This one was offering to pay for the shots/spays/neuters, give free food and litter/boxes, and if you took the last two, they would come with a free cat condo. They were supposedly very attached, and it was preferable for them to go as a pair.

We don’t have a huge house, and the two dogs were pretty established, so we told the nice folks that we just wanted one kitten. I told them that if they didn’t find a home for both, we would take one of them off their hands.

Later, we got a call saying to stop by and choose the kitten we wanted.

Who’s a good boy?

We got over there and Mrs. Birdman picked up the first tiny, ginger baby and fell in love. It was so little and sweet. I picked up his brother (pronounced “bruvver”), and started my own little cuddlefest.

I then was asked how to know which one to pick. I said to hold on to each of them and pick the one she liked the most. We switched and I started to cuddle the other one, but just for a minute. She then wanted to see both of them at the same time. I turned to look at the mother cat and a different kitten, when I heard Mrs. Birdman say to the man, “Would it be crazy to take them both?”

As I turned, he was saying that it wouldn’t be crazy at all, and that they really loved each other. Then she was looking at me with the happiest tears I have ever seen.

It took a few hours of dogs ramming their heads into the carrier and tiny kittens hissing, but eventually they all got comfy.

So we now have a couple of the coolest cats I have ever met.

When I saw her face, and how the kittens were getting wet from her tears, I couldn’t/wouldn’t dare put my foot down.

We felt wrong taking all of the free veterinary care, so we traded off eggs and soap for the shots and just paid for the neuters. The chickens were producing quite well, and they mentioned going through 3-4 dozen eggs a week, so we figured it was a pretty good compromise.

Pretty close, wouldn’t you say?

When we got them they were almost identical, except one was a touch darker than the other. You couldn’t tell unless they were juxtaposed, so it was mostly a guessing game.

They went through a few name changes:

Darky and Lighty; Willie Nelson and Kenny Rogers II and Harry and Voldy were a few of them, but as they got older we changed our minds on how to differentiate them.

They are now known as:

Tubs McGubs and Skins McGinns

Can you guess which one this is?

We kind of attribute Tubs’ name to when he chewed through the light cord as a kitten and then shot down the hall screaming with two weakness-sensing hounds hot on his tail.

Since that day he has never been as active as his brother, or as good at cat things such as leaping or playing red dot. We can’t say for certain it was the cause, but it’s a pretty solid theory.

Now Skins, on the other hand, is a formidable, long specimen.

The little guy found a fanny pack somewhere.

He is a lot more agile than Tubs, but not as strong. I picture them sort of like The Mountain and The Hound from Game of Thrones, especially when Skins came home with a claw stuck in his back that turned into a big abscess. A few poultices, shaving, and some peroxide, and we were back in action, but it was pretty leaky and gross for a few days.

Here is a video of Tubs showing his great strength, and lack of prowess. I mean really, what is he going to catch like that?

We just love these cats, and the fact that they hang out with the dogs, chickens, and the deer that freely roam the neighbourhood. Seriously, they walk around between the deer’s legs and rub up on those docile bitches and the only times I’ve seen them be aggressive towards non-prey is when you try to Bogart the catnip.

Don’t ever Bogart the nip, bro.

Birdman

P.S. If you didn’t click the red dot link, this is what I’m talking about. Ours is a Frolicat Bolt that we got at the local pet store for $29.99, but this is the same thing if you can’t find one, or just want to help out. The cats love this one, and it has a 15 minute timer so you don’t have to sit there all the time. It’s better if you do, but your arm gets tired after a while. Mrs. Birdman figured out to aim it down the hall for more up the wall action.