Sep 30

That Crazy McNugget Bitch

birdmandesk

Remember that whack job? I wrote about her over at Aiming Low.

I also wrote about how a certain toilet paper manufacturer didn’t want me to help them sell their stuff. (In case you didn’t read it already.)

As for me, I can’t keep my eyes open. The nights turn into morning way too fast around here, so I think I’ll just leave you with this tiny piece of shit that is basically just a link to a not very well written post. One day I will get some time to write, but it is not this day.

Birdman

Aug 20

Remember When We Raced Down The River?

birdmandesk

Well, I did a photo recount for Aiming Low and they published it! Yayyyyy for me.

What are you waiting for? Go click the link. Hurry. Make them glad to have hired me.

(Please don’t make me beg, because I will.)

On that note, we should have a splendid post for you later this week, because we received some Therapy Thursday questions/problems. I love it when our readers are fucked in the head. :P.

What I need from you guys is a direction to take. Who do you want to answer it? You can choose from Mrs. Birdman, with all of her common sense; Me, with a little bit of common sense; or Smarty, with almost zero common sense, and probably more vices than Nick Nolte. You can choose two, because, come on, we need some sort of balance here.

Leave a comment somewhere that I’ll find it, and I’ll see you bastards on Thursday.

Maybe. If I get chosen that is.

I want you (I want you), I need you (I need you), but there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you,

Birdman

Jun 06

I Worked At A Car Wash

mindofbirdmanSome of you might remember that. I know Aaron does, because he reminded me of this little mishap that got me famous… around the local car wash circuit. There were a lot of shenanigans that went on there, and I should really tell about the oral sex that I witnessed by the tire rack, but I won’t. Mostly because it was way more exciting as an eighteen year old, but partly because it was between me, that twenty year old girl, and her much older lover.

Mostly between those two though. Other than a quick pants rubbing, I didn’t have much to do with it.

You can find it over at Aiming Low if you

CLICK HERE

Did you click there? It would have taken you to the story. Not the blow job story, but the other one. Let me know if it didn’t work. It did? Cool, hope you liked it.

Let me tell you it’s always cool, and the boss don’t mind sometimes if you act a fool,

Birdman

May 22

The Time I Was A Lazy Blogger

mindofbirdman

I have all kinds of posts to write, but no energy or drive to write them. A lot of things have happened in the last few weeks, but I’ve been working a ton of hours and by the time I get home and unwind by reading Facebook, looking at Pinterest, and annoying a stupid fucker on my G+ pirate game (a whole nother post), I just don’t have the gumption to write. I wish I could  just tell you about them over the phone or the Youtube, but I’m too lazy to set that shit up, and I have fertilizer all through my hair and face most days, so I would look unkempt. I suppose I could wash up, but I figure that it will help me grow good thick roots for a luxurious mane and ‘stache in this year’s Movember race. Even if it doesn’t, it’s nice to be able to burn the fucking corneas out of my eyes by sweating it into them. Every day.

It feels like the time I sprayed dog repellent, that I had found in my bosses garage, on my fingers to see what it smelled like. The label showed a dog and cat and some bags of garbage, so I assumed it was like the stuff my grandma put in her flower beds to keep animals out (It turns out that that was wolf piss, so sniffing it off of my fingers would have been a bad idea as well.). After spraying it, I couldn’t see how that smell would keep a dog out of your garbage, but whatever. At thirteen, I didn’t care enough to look into it more, so shortly after it dried, I wiped the sweat out of my eyes with those same fingers.

HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS!

stuttgart-blind_2654716

It was this bad. In my head. I was quite dramatic as a lad.

(photo credit)

Turns out that it wasn’t the smell that got them out of your garbage. The instructions, which I read after the pain subsided and I could open my peepers without the feeling of pins being slowly inserted in them, stated to spray into the animal’s eyes from six feet away. The ingredients were:

  1. cayenne pepper extract
  2. propellant

Could have used that info fifteen minutes ago.

One good thing was that it taught me to read labels a little more carefully, and to not rub my flaming eyes with contaminated fingers, so it wasn’t a total waste.

Where was I?

Oh yeah.

I’m too lazy to write.

It’s not writer’s block, because I have all kinds of ideas, it’s just that I want to shut my brain off at the end of the day. I guess it’s just that the desire isn’t great enough yet. They tell me that work will get slow in a month or so, so I hope to get a great boost then. Maybe I’ll even expand on all of my newfound creativity. Who knows?

Until then, there is this post that was published at Aiming Low yesterday. It’s about growing up and making mistakes, despite your parents trying to prevent that very thing. I’m sure that many of you had similar experiences as well, so maybe it will be something that you can relate to. If so, maybe leave a comment with a memory about lessons someone tried to teach you, but you went ahead with your plans despite their advice.

While you’re there, check out some of the other writers that have graced the pages of that fine site. There are some really funny ones.

Well, I make the pussy purr with the stroke of my hand, they know they gettin’ it from me,

Birdman

 

May 06

I Hate Pop Culture, Unless It’s Awesome

mindofbirdman

I wrote this post over at Aiming Low and I guess they published it last week. It’s about fucking Slenderman. He’s bigger than Jesus among the young folk. I’ll never understand some of the things that make the kid’s lists, but I guess I’m not supposed to.

I’m old. I’m irrelevant to marketers and children.

I don’t like trends.

I never wore Converse track suits with the huge “CONVERSE★” down the leg, and I never had Tommy Hilfiger clothes. Partly because I wouldn’t spend that kind of money on it, but also because everyone else was already wearing it. I didn’t want to blend in then, and I still don’t.

I do love the nerd pop culture though.

Harry Potter, Star Wars, and anything Tolkien. That shit is awesome.

Anyhow, go read my post if you’d like to, and leave a comment if you feel inclined. I’m going to bed, because I have to get up for my awesome job in the morning.

Love you,

Birdman