Suicide is NO solution

I received this email from a friend, shortly after I posted the slightly depressive post yesterday. I was hesitant to put it up, thinking it was too easy to write a fairly decent response to, but realizing that it may help someone, somewhere. My counsel advised me that I should put it up, so here it is.

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First off i am fine, really. I have help, and dealt with a lot of this, but it did strike a nerve with me. In sending this to you i know it could be used in your blog and im fine with that, but i just ask if you do use it i dont want anyone to place it back to me, which is why i am sending it email. If it only makes it to you thats ok too. Thanks buddy for getting me writing something again. Hope all is well your way.

 

the cowards way out?? Well that struck a nerve. I am so very glad to hear you say that, one it means you really dont understand what suicide is and that is a good thing. The second thing is that it fired me up to actually write something, which i havent done in a long time. The best definition i have read for suicide said ” the inability to deal with something(s) in your life”  To wake up and simply hate yourself completely or to not see one single reason for living is very tough. The war that rages in your head, tearing you apart. When you have a good day and are scared to sleep because the nightmares pick you apart as well. To wake up at 4am in a tense little ball crying because you cant handle your own thoughts while you sleep. To force yourself to eat day after day, i mean actually forcing food into you. Its as easy of a choice as just saying oh this is a silly thought and not listening. I did call bullshit on myself, but the feelings are still there, and the “voices” in my head constantly cutting me down, never being good enough,your a failure, you fucked everything in your life up, why are you even trying, just wouldnt quit. It seems like the only way to get a break is to simply stop everything. Its not that i want to hurt others, but i can only shoulder so much. Everyone has that breaking point. I dont know how many actually knew how close i was, but losing 10 pounds in two days and 20 in a week on my frame is a lot, it had to be noticeable, as well as only sleeping maybe an hour or two a day for weeks on end leaves obvious signs. The effort it takes to put on my mask before going out, to pretend all is normal wears a person out too. You feel so alone like that, no one will ever understand whats going on so you push everyone away. Help is such a hard thing to ask for, or even admit you actually do need it. I dont think being a coward has anything to do with it. You dont know how long that person fought with their own demons, you dont know what happened to that person. I wouldnt wish it on anyone, ever! but it does happen to lots of people. Calling them a coward even joking about it really doesnt help. They/we know its wrong, but the thoughts exist anyway. We are already alone, alienating us just makes it worse. I know you and know you were just joking around, but to some this is a very serious battle with long living consequences on so many. It affects a lot more than most would think.

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Buddy, I was joking about a lot of the suicide crap on there, but not on it being the coward’s way out. That’s why I added the mentally and terminally ill clause in there. Maybe coward wasn’t the right word, that was harsh, and I apologize for making light of the struggles of others.  I guess “weaker” would be the proper term, or at least a more correct one. I understand that when you aren’t well, mentally, you aren’t thinking straight, and maybe some wires get crossed that make it seem like death is the answer. I get that, and I sympathize. I also think that if you are going to die from some horrible, painful disease, it might be better for everyone if you just get it over with. I don’t know for sure, because I’m not there.


When I made my “coward” remark, I was talking about the people who don’t try. Who don’t seek help, and just leave a trail of misery behind. A bunch of people who will never know if they are the reason for this tragedy.

I hope I, or anyone I know, never has to deal with that again, but if they did, I would hope that they would fight, as you have done, to not put their family and friends through the constant grief that follows a suicide. You are right that I don’t know about it, but I have had people in my past kill themselves, and I do know what it feels like to grieve. Mostly I know what it feels like to wonder.
I wonder why they did this to everyone that loved them, and why they didn’t fight to get help, or even just survive? Why didn’t they come to me for help, don’t they know I would do it in a heartbeat? Do I seem that unapproachable, or that I would let a friend down? I also wonder if I could ever get to that point? I don’t think I could, but the thing with mental illness is that it doesn’t discriminate. I guess you know that, maybe better than anyone.
I am sure that when people get to that point, it’s a constant battle, like you say, to keep on living, but that’s what you have to do. You need to fight, until you can’t fight any more. You have people who love you, for you. You are a great person, and you are very helpful and kind. You can’t fake that shit. You are extremely gifted when it comes to figuring things out, and I have always thought of you as hard working, intelligent, and resourceful. I don’t know where all of your thoughts of inadequacy come from, but I can say that they are totally unfounded and untrue.
 I guess that when there are no more loved ones, no more good times left, no more hope, then there won’t be a need to fight anymore. You can then throw in the towel, and no one will give two shits about you, but for now, you are needed here, and I’ll be very angry if you decide that it’s time to leave. I am glad that you are getting help, and I’m sorry that you have to deal with this, but I hope you know that I’m never too busy to help, even if it’s just to talk.
Or you could write, and share. Then you are helping others as well, and you never know, you just might find a little bit of peace.
I see friends shaking hands, saying how do you do, they’re really saying I love you,
Birdman

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10 thoughts on “Suicide is NO solution

  1. I was involved at an arm’s length aftermath after a friend decided to take his life. I would hasten a guess that we all think about suicide and that is as far as it goes. That aftermath experience left me wondering the actual state of mind one must be in to carry out the act. Quite simply, it has to be unimaginable or we would all be dead. Hence, the varried opinions abound for and against. Birdman, I felt the same as you in regards to suicide. Cowardly. Then that changed and it changed because I can not imagine at all the state of mind one has to be in to take their own life. There must be nothing left to live for. There is no hope at all left in their life. The absolute hatred that must fill the mind has to be off the charts. The one thing that has stuck with me the most from that experience is the perceived, not real, absence of any love in their life. To me that is the saddest thing of all. This guy had everything to live for, but he’s gone. On the outside looking in, he had it all. From the inside looking out it must have been very dark, cold, baren place devoid of anything at all. My time in the emergency services has allowed me to see both successful and unsuccessful attempts at suicide. There are no bounds to what the mind can do. To someone that takes their own life, no matter how they do it, to them it makes sense. I find that sad. We have the benefit of hindsight and can usually see the signs and symptoms after the fact, but those very same signs and symptoms were so very hard to see while the life is lived. So, my point to all this drivel is to not judge someone’s situation that we cannot understand completely and slap a coward moniker on them. It is my belief that we should all show one another love any chance we get. We are our brother’s keeper. Let it be known you are there to help, listen, hug, hold and provide comfort to someone in need. Just try to imagine life with the absence of any love at all. I wouldn’t want to live there either.

    From me to you, with all my love,

    Scotty P

    • Hi Scotty, thanks for putting in your thoughts on the matter. I knew that this topic and my views were going to cause a bit of a stir, but that’s probably what we need here. I never said that my way of thinking is always right, but it’s mine nonetheless. I totally agree with you that there is something desperately wrong for someone to take their own life, but I know of a few people(one of them personally) that did it to either get back at someone, or out of spite. That being said, I think that right there is a sign of illness in a huge level. Like you said, it’s one thing to think about it, but to feel that there is nothing left to live for, and actually pull the trigger. Unfortunately with most, we will never really know what goes through their minds, unless they tell us. Maybe we can help, maybe we can’t, but we can sure try. I appreciate you discussing this with me, and I hope others will as well. Even if we just raise a bit of awareness, and let people know that we care, it’s gotta be worth something, right?

  2. Like you and Scotty P, my opinion on suicide has flip-flopped a bit. My initial thoughts were on par with what you had stated in your previous post about this – it’s the cowardly way out, with the exception of someone who is terminally ill. But after reading your friend’s email… I do see that no one else can know what is inside someone else’s mind. I still feel that suicide is selfish. While I do know folks who have taken their own lives, I wasn’t close to any of them. I have lost someone close to me (my dad) due to a health issue and I know how painful it was to lose him… I don’t know how much worse that would’ve been had he committed suicide, feeling (even if it’s not true) that he didn’t care enough about the family to be there for us. Maybe me thinking that someone who took their own life is selfish actually shows that I am the selfish one.

    Either way – this post is a great post because it does get one thinking.

    • Yeah, it’s hard to tell whether it would be worse, but I would totally understand if someone, like my stepdad, knew there was no way they were going to survive and took their own life. I think I would do it. Not so much for me, but for the people that have to watch for months, or even years, as you slowly wither away and die. Of course, I can’t say for sure, because that hasn’t happened, but I feel fairly certain. Thanks for the input, Missy.

  3. I do not know anyone who has committed suicide. But I can relate to thier thoughts.

    Because I had the same ones. I have been haunted for years with the doubts ad insecurities. The alone feeling that lives in the pit of your stomach. And feeling that you are screaming and no one can hear you. They walk right by like they don’t see you. Or they tell you to “cheer up”. Trust me. That doesn’t work. After years of trying to battle on my own, I finally took a chance and reached out to my best friend. And she kicjed my ass and dragged me kicking and screaming to the doctor. Where I was diagnosed with serious depression and a severe anxiety disorder. And thanks to medication and therapy, I can get up everyday and not cringe at the thought of leaving my apartment. The thoughts are still there though. The beast never really goes away. It just sits quietly in the background.

    It is all well and good to tell us that you love us, and support us and will be there for us. All we have to do is reach out. Do you realize that sometimes we can’t reach out? We are so trapped within ourselves that we can’t see those around us who love us. Sometimes we need you to reach out to us.

    Depression is not something we suffer from once in a while. It is a disease we fight everyday. Whether we are on medication or not. Depression never goes away. We just learn to live with it.

  4. A friend of mine asked me to share this with everyone. So here it is.

    I am sorry for my spelling. I guess I was a little excited to post something. Hugs to you too!!!

    Hey you! I just read your blog and that suicide thing really hit me too. I don’t know how to post this on your blog but I’ll tell you here. The first time I tried to commit suicide I was 7 years old. The next time I seriously considered it I was 30 years old. Thank fully I’m alive cuz I sure love myself and my life today. My reasons were about pain and fear and the effects of sexual abuse, rape and a life time of physical abuse.My depression was finally diagnosed and i got the right meds and my life was saved. You are right, it takes a lot of work, you have to really work at it and fake it till you make it and keep moving forward no matter what. You can post this on yer blog if you want….I am in love with my life and love you too : ) Always stand strong Dustin…Pretty pretty please
    If you ever ever feel like you’re nothing you are perfect to me … Pink!

  5. I’m damn glad you shared this Birdman. Look at those responses you got, sheesh.

    I think that the person who e-mailed you is right. There is no way to really understand the seemingly never-ending inner turmoil and it is tough for us to judge. At the same time, it is a kind of helpless feeling for someone on the outside looking in who wants to help, as the help has to be not just needed, but wanted.

    All I know is that I would hope that anyone would come to me for help or just to talk, whether it is someone I know in real life or someone I barely know via an online setting.

    And bravo to everyone who shared. Please accept my virtual high-five.

    • All you were giving is a virtual high five? I was giving out virtual hugs and gift bags full of glitter. Thanks though, and you are right, the helpless feeling is horrible. My old boss used a shotgun while one of the girls I worked with was trying to get into the house to see what he was doing. She will probably never be right again, because she couldn’t help. Years of booze and prescription drug abuse contributed to that, I’m sure.

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