Gadget would like to know how two well rounded gents, like Chin and I treat our ladies to keep them happy. I’m going to let Chin answer first, and I’ll throw my two cents in after. I am sure that most of this goes for same sex relationships as well, based on the few that I’ve seen up close, but I could be wrong. I am using “her” because I’m speaking to a straight male, from me, a straight male. Okay, take it away, you dirty little freak.
This morning as I’m standing in the front window wearing nothing but my Wonder Woman Underoos and gazing out at the glistening white frozen hell that is northeastern B.C., the Bird tells me that he’s received a cry for help from one of his 9 interested blog followers. Time to spring into action…”To the laptop” I yell with underwhelming enthusiasm. With the speed and precision of a cornered rattlesnake, Birdman jumps into action and plunks his rather disgusting rear end right on top of me! “Not that laptop, fatty” I screamed frantically!
Apparently, someone is asking for us to give some relationship advice on how to keep that special lady in their life happy and wanting to stay a part of your life. Otherwise known as Man’s Eternal Challenge.
In my experience, there are only a few key things to keep in mind, which is good news for men because we tend to be a bit simple minded.
First, men and women are different. I know you figured that out when you first stole one of your uncle’s Playboy’s and hid under the basement stairs, but I’m talking about something different. Men think analytically and women think emotionally. For example; You and your much better half are going to a function one evening, she appears and asks you..”How do I look?” We’ve all been faced with this one before. You look at her and say..”You look good”…and you mean it. To you, it was a simple question and you gave a simple answer. To her, your simple answer means that you didn’t really look or you don’t really care.
Second, and this is an easy one, if your much better half thinks it’s important, IT’S IMPORTANT!!! No matter how small, non-life threatening or insignificant it may seem to you, it’s important to her. Treat the matter with the attention she believes it needs, and you just might make it through the day, intact.
Third, once in a while you’re going to have to put your testosterone in jar and place it on a shelf. By this I mean that sometimes the tv will have to be taken over by a romantic comedy, or a tear jerker love story. Contrary to man’s beliefs, these types of entertainment will not cause the 52 plasma with 5.1 Dolby surround sound to melt into a smoldering puddle of Hazmat. On the upside, if you turn the furnace down, so snuggling under a blanket is necessary to keep warm, you can probably avoid watching Bette Midler and play chesterfield checkers instead (she moves…you jump her).
Finally, treat her with the same amount of respect that you hope to receive. To me, there is nothing more offensive than a guy who treats his wife/girlfriend like a second class citizen. It is a small person who has to treat others poorly to make themselves feel more important. If you don’t treat her with the respect she deserves, sooner or later she will find a guy that will. I hope its sooner.
Women are wonderful creatures and the quicker we realize that, the more time we will have to enjoy their company.
Think about it…you can’t dig yourself out of a hole!
P.S. I’ve been single for most of the past 12 years so use this advice at your own risk!
May contain intimacy
I totally agree with what the Chinster had to say there, especially with the checkers comment. I do however, have a few things to add to that. One thing would be to talk, and often. Mrs. Birdman and I have maybe watched five movies together in a year and a half, and one or t’other of us usually falls asleep before it ends. That’s because we’d rather crawl into the cocoon, and talk to each other than sit and watch a movie. Don’t get me wrong, I love movies, but they seem so much less important to me now. I suppose that we just entertain the shit out of ourselves, and don’t need outside influence. You need to find out what makes each other tick and massage the hell out of it, but be honest with each other. The last thing you need to find out months or years down the road is that you are really separated on key issues. Maybe you want to have kids, but she doesn’t. How’s that going to go over in a year, when you bring up that you should start trying to get pregnant, and she admits that she really didn’t want kids, but was just going along with it because she loves you? Trust just fucked off to Mexico right there, and there’s a slim chance it’s coming back. I really can’t stress enough that you get rid of all head games and passive aggression, because that shit will bring down a relationship quicker than if you banged her sister (totally not recommended). I could go on and on about this, but we have a deadline to hit, so onward and upward.
Cocoon her properly. Climb into bed with a glass of wine if you can stomach that shit, or a bit of herbal happiness if you can’t. Until you are seasoned cocooners, this will relax you, and open your mind a little. Plan on spending four hours there, at least once a week, and do whatever you have to, to get that four hours. Once you are in there get naked, get facing each other and make eye contact. You need to make her eyes light up, and you have to be sincere while you do it. If you have to fake this part, then you really have more problems than I can help you with, and you should not be with her. I’m assuming that something brought you two together, and that’s what you need to expose and nurture. Now, while you are communicating on an emotional level, you also need to be touching, and I mean touching everything from her hair to the backs of her knees. While you are marveling at how beautiful your lady is, you should pause every so often to kiss her exposed parts. If she’s shy, and has the blankets up past her neck, start by pulling the covers down an inch, and softly kissing the part that you’ve exposed. Keep doing that until you have a patch of skin to work with, and then softly kiss all of it. It’s okay if she’s shy, because there’s a reason for that. Maybe she’s been told by someone that she needs to lose weight, or that her scars are gross. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter. You love her, and that means all of her, so you need to make her feel comfortable in her own skin; this won’t work if both of you aren’t comfy.
Laugh, and have fun. Tickle each other. Wrestle. Eat candy or fruit. Thoroughly enjoy each others minds and bodies. This can be the greatest feeling on earth, if you are both into it. I know there are guys that are reading this, and thinking they’d rather be hunting, or watching sports. To these guys, I say that you don’t deserve a good woman. Give her to someone who will make her heart soar, and treat her like she’s the most important thing in his life, because that’s what she deserves. You have probably guessed that I have given you the condensed version, because people can’t always handle the full cocoon sensation. If you seriously want to know more about it, contact me. By phone, when I’m home, or if you don’t know me, then through the blog. I will help anyone that cares enough about their true love, to ask, but I suspect that the ones who care, already know this.
She believes in me, I’ll never know just what she sees in me,