So I got a request from Gadget

Gadget would like to know how two well rounded gents, like Chin and I treat our ladies to keep them happy. I’m going to let Chin answer first, and I’ll throw my two cents in after. I am sure that most of this goes for same sex relationships as well, based on the few that I’ve seen up close, but I could be wrong. I am using “her” because I’m speaking to a straight male, from me, a straight male. Okay, take it away, you dirty little freak.

This morning as I’m standing in the front window wearing nothing but my Wonder Woman Underoos and gazing out at the glistening white frozen hell that is northeastern B.C., the Bird tells me that he’s received a cry for help from one of his 9 interested blog followers. Time to spring into action…”To the laptop” I yell with underwhelming enthusiasm. With the speed and precision of a cornered rattlesnake, Birdman jumps into action and plunks his rather disgusting rear end right on top of me! “Not that laptop, fatty” I screamed frantically!

They were a little snug in the "balls hanging out the sides" area. Not pretty.

Apparently, someone is asking for us to give some relationship advice on how to keep that special lady in their life happy and wanting to stay a part of your life. Otherwise known as Man’s Eternal Challenge.

In my experience, there are only a few key things to keep in mind, which is good news for men because we tend to be a bit simple minded.

First, men and women are different. I know you figured that out when you first stole one of your uncle’s Playboy’s and hid under the basement stairs, but I’m talking about something different. Men think analytically and women think emotionally. For example; You and your much better half are going to a function one evening, she appears and asks you..”How do I look?” We’ve all been faced with this one before. You look at her and say..”You look good”…and you mean it. To you, it was a simple question and you gave a simple answer. To her, your simple answer means that you didn’t really look or you don’t really care.

Second, and this is an easy one, if your much better half thinks it’s important, IT’S IMPORTANT!!! No matter how small, non-life threatening or insignificant it may seem to you, it’s important to her. Treat the matter with the attention she believes it needs, and you just might make it through the day, intact.

Third, once in a while you’re going to have to put your testosterone in jar and place it on a shelf. By this I mean that sometimes the tv will have to be taken over by a romantic comedy, or a tear jerker love story. Contrary to man’s beliefs, these types of entertainment will not cause the 52 plasma with 5.1 Dolby surround sound to melt into a smoldering puddle of Hazmat. On the upside, if you turn the furnace down, so snuggling under a blanket is necessary to keep warm, you can probably avoid watching Bette Midler and play chesterfield checkers instead (she moves…you jump her).

Finally, treat her with the same amount of respect that you hope to receive. To me, there is nothing more offensive than a guy who treats his wife/girlfriend like a second class citizen. It is a small person who has to treat others poorly to make themselves feel more important. If you don’t treat her with the respect she deserves, sooner or later she will find a guy that will. I hope its sooner.

Women are wonderful creatures and the quicker we realize that, the more time we will have to enjoy their company.

Think about it…you can’t dig yourself out of a hole!

Chin

P.S.  I’ve been single for most of the past 12 years so use this advice at your own risk!

WARNING

May contain intimacy

I totally agree with what the Chinster had to say there, especially with the checkers comment. I do however, have a few things to add to that. One thing would be to talk, and often. Mrs. Birdman and I have maybe watched five movies together in a year and a half, and one or t’other of us usually falls asleep before it ends. That’s because we’d rather crawl into the cocoon, and talk to each other than sit and watch a movie. Don’t get me wrong, I love movies, but they seem so much less important to me now. I suppose that we just entertain the shit out of ourselves, and don’t need outside influence. You need to find out what makes each other tick and massage the hell out of it, but be honest with each other. The last thing you need to find out months or years down the road is that you are really separated on key issues. Maybe you want to have kids, but she doesn’t. How’s that going to go over in a year, when you bring up that you should start trying to get pregnant, and she admits that she really didn’t want kids, but was just going along with it because she loves you? Trust just fucked off to Mexico right there, and there’s a slim chance it’s coming back. I really can’t stress enough that you get rid of all head games and passive aggression, because that shit will bring down a relationship quicker than if you banged her sister (totally not recommended). I could go on and on about this, but we have a deadline to hit, so onward and upward.

Cocoon her properly. Climb into bed with a glass of wine if you can stomach that shit, or a bit of herbal happiness if you can’t. Until you are seasoned cocooners, this will relax you, and open your mind a little. Plan on spending four hours there, at least once a week, and do whatever you have to, to get that four hours. Once you are in there get naked, get facing each other and make eye contact. You need to make her eyes light up, and you have to be sincere while you do it. If you have to fake this part, then you really have more problems than I can help you with, and you should not be with her. I’m assuming that something brought you two together, and that’s what you need to expose and nurture. Now, while you are communicating on an emotional level, you also need to be touching, and I mean touching everything from her hair to the backs of her knees. While you are marveling at how beautiful your lady is, you should pause every so often to kiss her exposed parts. If she’s shy, and has the blankets up past her neck, start by pulling the covers down an inch, and softly kissing the part that you’ve exposed. Keep doing that until you have a patch of skin to work with, and then softly kiss all of it. It’s okay if she’s shy, because there’s a reason for that. Maybe she’s been told by someone that she needs to lose weight, or that her scars are gross. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter. You love her, and that means all of her, so you need to make her feel comfortable in her own skin; this won’t work if both of you aren’t comfy.

Laugh, and have fun. Tickle each other. Wrestle. Eat candy or fruit. Thoroughly enjoy each others minds and bodies. This can be the greatest feeling on earth, if you are both into it. I know there are guys that are reading this, and thinking they’d rather be hunting, or watching sports. To these guys, I say that you don’t deserve a good woman. Give her to someone who will make her heart soar, and treat her like she’s the most important thing in his life, because that’s what she deserves. You have probably guessed that I have given you the condensed version, because people can’t always handle the full cocoon sensation. If you seriously want to know more about it, contact me. By phone, when I’m home, or if you don’t know me, then through the blog. I will help anyone that cares enough about their true love, to ask, but I suspect that the ones who care, already know this.

She believes in me, I’ll never know just what she sees in me,

Birdman

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12 thoughts on “So I got a request from Gadget

  1. Thanks fellas, really appreciate this one! Now…. run with this a bit more, towards the lovely ladies in our lives…. how to let go of the self esteem issues, above mentioned overweight issues, above mentioned scars! We love them for who they are, for the hard-ons they give us when we sneak a bit of skin! Crazy girl don’t you know that i love you, i’m not goin no where. Gadget out!

    • You’ve got that right, Gadget. I’ll see if Mrs. B can elaborate on the girl side of this situation. She’s fairly brainy when it comes to knowing shit.

  2. Awesome fellas! Totally love it. And wow Birdman! great advice for a change! No one was getting arrested for stalking in this blog!.

    Chin, you are getting better and better so keep it up! Would love to sit and have a coffee with you one day soon.

    Birdman, you are in my heart as always. Thank you for being a friend. Travel down the road and back again.(Where did the theme for The Golden Girls come from???)

  3. Thanks Vette, if it can be put together I would love to have a coffee with you as well. We should should all be thinking of the Bird today, first aid training is boring as hell!
    A perspective from the ladies would be extremely interesting. We men think we are smarties, but everyone knows we will never understand the lovely minds of the women we cherish.

  4. Nice. Real nice. Sincerely, I mean that 100%. I would like to add several comments for the ladys. You are who you are and you come in all shapes, sizes, colours and plenty of various configurations. It would be pretty damn boring if the ladies were all the same. I would challenge and empower each and every lady to be comfortable with who they are; unless you have murderous tendencies. The Birdman is completely right. Talk. Explore. Talk. The brain really is the most important sexual organ and we all have that in common. Why not share? Want proof? Have a look at the Birdman’s cranial diagram. Kinda self explanitory. The guy brain really only has two areas. The first and largest almost all comsuming area is “sex”. Secondly, there is a very small, teensy tiny little area we can call “everything else”. Simple really. No, really, it is that simple. The reason I mention this is that in order to break through to the teensy tiny area of the guy brain, guess what works everytime? YA BABY!!! Then you’ve at least three hours and fifty-five minutes (or more) of the above mentioned coccoon time. Then you will have access to the deeply buried thoughts of your guy. Best of all, we aren’t even aware. Be forewarned, this area can become closed at any given time and without notice. However, oh ya, ROUND TWO!!! Bring it on!!! Round two is always nicer for the ladies than round one because we are (usually) somewhat sensitized now and less pent up and ready to explode. OK, lets call a spade a spade here. Us guys are quick draw artists, plain and simple. Bada-bing, bada-boom. Sorry for your luck if you thought it was different. But, round two is more like Bada-bing-bada-boom-bingo-bango-bongo-shazam! It’s amost magical… Another thing for the ladies, please don’t hide in the dark. Add a little light on the coccoon. Sex is all about the senses. Hence the word “sensual”. The guy brain is visual. The guy brain likes to see what we’re doing. Vision adds to the senses. Scented candles anyone? On the topic of props, if your guy has big burly hardworking man hands that are a little rough, get him to rub you all over with baby oil. Beneficial for all involved in more ways than one. Finally ladies, and I can’t stress this enough, tell us what you like. Better yet, show us!!! This is probably the only time we will ever follow directions. Why you ask? Us guys really, really want our ladies to “succeed and enjoy” our efforts. So, if your guy isn’t quite on target, tell him “it’s better like this” and we will be under your spell ready to do your bidding. Crap, Mrs. P has gone out. Now I gotta go find that porn site…….

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