Hey kids, it’s time to disrupt the love-in to give you some real dirt. The Birdman and I nearly came to blows today discussing our favorite topic – The upcoming nuptials. We have very few arguments in our day-to-day life, but bring up the subject of the dreaded Guest List and just watch the feathers fly. (Get it? Feathers? Birds? I knew y’all were right there with me.)
I am not sure why it always turns into a tense stand-off when the topic comes up, but I think I am starting to figure it out. As it turns out, the guest list is capped at a certain number, and common sense (and occupancy restrictions) state that we are not to exceed said number, regardless of whether or not we would *like* to.
I find this whole situation rather stress-free, considering that my entire family will tally up to a grand total of 17, and that includes my children, and my neices and nephews, leaving me oodles of space to invite my dearest friends. Unfortunately, Birdman comes from a long line of procreators, (possibly Mennonites) and his family total is somewhere in the hundreds. I know you see the dilemma. I am dancing all the way down the aisle in front of every relative I care to see again, and he’s biting what’s left of his fingernails waiting to see if some slighted uncle is going to show up with a shotgun to share his anguish at not making the cut.
Birdman simply does not understand that we can’t invite everyone. We can’t. Even if we grew up next door to them, or they delivered our mail every day for 40 years, it’s not going to be enough of a reason to allow the list to balloon out beyond our means. Yes, I realize that more people means more wedding swag, but honestly, we have all we ever needed, and I would like to be able to recognize most of the people who are watching me get hitched.
My beloved is afraid that anyone who doesn’t get the golden ticket will think it’s because we don’t love them, or even like them, and that we wish they would crawl into a hole and die. This is simply NOT THE CASE. When I do the wedding math with him, it goes something like this:
BIRDMAN: “But I HAVE to invite Jedediah. We rode the bus together every day since kindergarten and he didn’t beat me up when I accidentally threw up on him after drinking a whole liter of eggnog one time.”
ME: “What is dear old Jedediah doing these days?”
B: “Not sure…I lost track of him somewhere after 11th grade”
ME: “Did he invite you to HIS wedding?”
B: “Well…no. But I did get a second-hand invitation to his bachelor party…”
ME: “Exactly.” (said in a snarky and final tone)
While we have many, many people that we come into contact with on a semi-regular basis, I believe most of them understand that they may not be invited, and will not feel overly slighted at this fact. We are in our 40’s for Christs sake, and we have DOUBLE the amount of friends, relatives, exes, and other assorted life-baggage than we had in our 20’s, and yet the wedding venues STILL refuse to hold any more people than they did in our 20’s.
The other thing that I am counting on, is that people may not want to come. I mean, let’s face it, weddings are not everyone’s cup of tea. I myself love them, and attend 30-40 every year in my job. However, I get that my excitement and anticipation will not be as contagious to everyone I know. I fully support the ‘I love you, but I don’t want to attend your wedding’ policy. I am giving everyone a free pass to bail on the wedding if it’s just not their bag. No harm, no foul. I would so much rather people be sitting in their own cozy living room, relaxed and doing their thing, than being dragged to a wedding when they would really rather just wait to catch the highlights on Facebook.
So if you prefer to take the buy-out, we love gift cards at The Moonlight Bunny Ranch, bottles of Patrón, and anything from Jimmy’s Tackle and Cutbait. (PS. I’m kidding about a buy-out…we don’t need your stinkin’ gifts, if you are too good to attend our wedding! Assholes. )
Another thing that isn’t going to make us very dear to people is our policy on children and plus-one’s. There won’t be any. I know, it’s not a popular decision, but the only children there will be mine, or nieces and nephews of ours, and any that happen to sneak in in-utero. Also, guests without common-law or married partners will be coming alone. I realize attending a social function without a random buddy to join you may suck ass, but like I mentioned above, we are on a tight guest-list, and there are actual relatives who won’t be able to attend, people who are single, will have to attend single. (Cue the heckling and rotten vegetable tossing)
The good news is that we are about 70% through the first round of cuts, and it looks like we might be able to pull this whole shindig in on budget and without killing each other in the process. To be honest, the entire wedding is really just a confirmation of what we already know, that we are meant to be together forever. We are really just trying to inject a little green into the local economy while we treat our friends and family to an incredible, rockin’ party. We will be celebrating with family and friends who are our chosen family. There will be so much love in the room, perhaps no one will notice social faux-pas and thumbing of noses to etiquette. One could hope… 😉
I wanna make you smile,
Whenever you’re sad.
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad.
All I wanna do,
Is grow old with you…