Praise Jesus

Quite a bit of cursing in this one. Just saying. Or is it jus’ sayin’? Oh fuck, who really cares, anyhow?

So, for those of you that don’t follow comic books, let me fill you in on something…

I don’t follow comic books either.

I do follow stupid shit though, so when I saw this on a friend’s Facebook wall, I had to investigate.

Tabar-fucking-nak

Yes, I was informed that the white dude in the left-hand picture is an openly gay, Quebecois superhero from the X-Men comic books. What in the fuck is this world coming to? Do you seriously think that children need to be exposed to this sort of abomination? It’s bad enough that they have to see these freaks on television, in our hockey games, or in our makeshift military, but now we have to see them in our comic books as well. They have even taken over Las Vegas, mincing about in their colourful costumes, and their tight leotards. I remember when Vegas was reserved for real men, like Old Blue Eyes, Sammy Davis Jr. and Deano. Jesus Christ, they’d be rolling in their graves right now if they could see the shit that’s going on in the world.

That’s right, I’m talking about Quebecers and the way they are trying to infiltrate our god-fearing society with their delicious poutine, cheap beer, and their pea soup. I have let it slide up until now, when I hear that they are allowing one of them to get married in a comic book. A fucking comic book for the love of God. No wonder One Million Moms is freaking out about this. They’re an American organization, and the last thing that they need is the French taking over their sacred country. For crissakes, they are having enough trouble with the Spaniards on that front.

Here is a paragraph that I’ve copied off of their website:

Part 2: And to make matters more shocking, Marvel, now owned by Disney, followed DC Comics’ announcement with a surprise of their own. Northstar, Marvel’s first openly gay hero, is going to tie the knot with his boyfriend in the current issue of “Astonishing X-Men.” This is the first same-sex wedding in a superhero comic book.

Do you see?

“This is the first same-sex wedd…”

Huh? Same-sex? I thought that this whole kerfuffle was because of a dirty Frenchy getting married to an Anglophone. I guess I’ll have to find some other fundamentalist group to try and keep those French speaking bastards from taking over our young people’s minds. I mean really, those comic book characters are huge influences on young boys, and we don’t need them saying to themselves, “That’s cool, I think I’ll marry a French person from Canada.” or “Kyle married a French-Canadian, why shouldn’t I?”

Just look at his shifty French eyes. You know that stinking prick is just itching to separate… Kyle’s cheeks, that is.

All right, let’s get serious for a minute. Shall we?

Who the hell are One Million Moms? I thought those bitches were classified as a hate group, but maybe that was their parent organization, the AFA. That link is for the Wikipedia page, to avoid sending any unnecessary traffic over to their site. They also started One Million Dads, but you never hear about them boycotting shit. I guess we all know how lazy those fucking dads can be. They were probably forced to join by the constant nagging of their mouthy, God-fearing wives, who have nothing better to do than listen to that son of a whore, Jimmy Falwell, or whoever the motherless cocksucker that runs the AFA is. That’s right, I said it, Tim Wildmon. You are a dirty cocksucker, just like your daddy was. I say was, because he could very well be dead by the time you read this, and even if he is still alive, he is no longer relevant, so “was” is the proper word for me to use.

I want to know who made you the judges of morality, and why you think that the world should give two shits about what you think is right or wrong? I want to bring up all of the “literally translating the bible” bullshit, but that’s like whipping a dead horse. We all know that there is no one without sin, so why do you get to choose which sins are okay, and which ones can slide? Well, you don’t get to, so put that in your pipe and smoke it.

You fucking fuckers don’t want your kids to see gay comic book characters? Don’t let them buy the comic books! It doesn’t matter one way or the other, because they are either going to be gay, or they aren’t. A two dollar colourfully illustrated piece of fiction isn’t going to change that, just like making them go hunting isn’t going to. They will either play for one team or the other. End of story.

If your kid does turn out to be gay, wouldn’t you rather they didn’t feel alienated by the world? A good parent would want their child to be accepted by all, no matter what sexual orientation they are. Wouldn’t you want that for yourself?

No, seriously. Wouldn’t you rather I saw you as a rational, compassionate human being, rather than the judgey, condescending piece of rat shit that I think you really are?

Of course you do, but I don’t, so things need to change.

Everyone wants to be accepted for who they are, but it’s hard to accept people who aren’t willing to accept anyone that is different from them. I have gay friends. I’m not gay, but I accept them as they are, because I’m better than you they are my friends. Hell, I even have French friends, and I am allowing them to come to my wedding next month, as long as they promise not to shit on the lawn. (I imagine that that was just an invitation for Sebastard to do that very thing.)

Why are you so afraid that your kids will be gay? Would you rather they grew up to be murderers or rapists? I guess as long as they were raping people of the opposite sex. There ain’t no rule in the bible about that, is there?

Anyhow, I could go on for several hundred more words on this, but I’ve been called long winded, so I’ll cut it short. Let people fuck who they want to fuck. As long as they are all consenting adults, there should be no problems.

I was taking a trip out to LA, touring along in my Chevrolet,

Birdman

P.S. Have you ever been hit in the crotch so hard that you were afraid you would never have kids?

P.S.S. I’m getting married in TWELVE DAYS!!! Now watch this beautiful video that I shared on the FB page, but then realized that not many people look at the FB page, so I’m sharing it here as well, because I feel that everyone needs to see this beautiful video that makes me so God damn happy.

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13 thoughts on “Praise Jesus

  1. Awesome entry dude!
    about the “hit in the crotch” thing!
    Why don’t you tell the story of my wifey’s first deck building catastrophe! it “taint” a pretty story, and it might get her some oohs and aahs and some fingers pointed at her at the wedding, but i think more people should hear it! not that it would make a good story, just that it didn’t happen to me, so its fine to be all over the internet!
    Gadget

    • Like I need a furiously angered Penny gunning for me. As if I’d tell about the actual story behind “Rectum? Damn near killed ‘im”

  2. This is such a {radio edit} entry.
    By the way I have a couple of cans of beans ready for the night before the wedding, and a few laxatives for the day of. Have you ever heard of the term “explosive diarrhea”?

  3. I don’t even want to get on my soapbox. I just get so infuriated with some of the things that come out of “Good Christian Folks'” mouths. I’ve told people that my thoughts on the gay marriage is this: I have a beautiful, wonderful, [insert other awesome adjective here] relationship with my husband. He’s my best friend and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I want EVERYONE to be able to experience this feeling. If that means sharing your life with a member of the same sex, then who am I to say that’s wrong? And, c’mon, there are way more things to be concerned about…

    The video was awesome. I love watching awesome engagement videos like that (what can I say? I’m a girl!).

    And, no on the crotch question… 🙂

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