Porntivirus Web Condom

Sounds awesome, right?

Well it would be, if it existed.

Think about it. Who gets the most viruses? NASA employees? Nope, they are protected. Mac users? Nope, those uppity snobs are lucky that way. PC porn freaks? Hmmmmmmm.

My money’s on the porn. The reason why is because I’ve seen it in action. You are just Googling away, looking for links, photos, whatever you can find to make your blog appealing to the masses, and you see it.

Click the image to see more. You can even hear them going at it. It's titillating.

It’s not porn, but exciting nonetheless, and it leads you to this.

Hmmmmm, that's kind of sexy.

That’s where it starts. A mild, sexy photo of something that you find interesting. Then you get thinking about it and remember that you have that video of your old neighbour and the tattooed stranger, so you go dig that up.

Then you're all like... Wow, has this guy not heard of foreplay? She needs to be romanced, buddy.

Oh wow, this is good. Sweet baby Jesus, this is so wonderful. Then you think. ‘Hey, I wonder if it could get any better than this?’ So you type it in, and behold… There it is. Le pièce de resistance.

I'm going to need a towel

You may not know this, but I kind ofsome people have a thing for Chewbacca. I’ll just leave it at that.

CLICK

That doesn't seem so bad. I'm sure my outdated antivirus will catch it

CLICK

That one's bigger, but it's maybe just a hoax, I'll just go back and try again

CLICK

You always need protection. No matter how clean she/he/it seems.

Okay, now you’re screwed. What do you do?

Porntivirus Web Condoms are coming soon

We’ve surveyed three people that have been infected with viruses from freaky porn sites, and what do you think the biggest reason for not installing an antivirus on their computer was?

Not being able to look at porn for around half an hour.

2/3 of all people surveyed said that they don’t have time to install current antivirus software, because it will be at least thirty minutes of having to sit and watch the software install and scan. Who has time for that, when you are missing Toronto girl Lauren Phoenix getting a DP and a facial? No one but the nerds, that’s who.

Click the photo for the American Apparel ad photos. Don't worry, it's legit

Enter a revolutionary antivirus system that allows you to watch your favourite, virus-free, porn as you install, and as you scan your computer.

That’s right, with Porntivirus, you not only receive top-notch antivirus software that is updated thrice daily, but there is an inline viewer for you to peruse the freakiest, already disinfected, panda/amputee/tropical fruit porn (Hey, we’re not here to judge) that you have on your computer.

Porntivirus also scans all of the emails that come in, and cleans out those videos that your “Uncle Lester” (We know he’s not your uncle, but whatever) sends you. I mean really, it’s in our best interest to keep you happy, because we know that you have seventy three other freaksfolks in your “urinal love” group, and twice that in the “truck stop glory hole” circle of friends. If we take care of you, the ripple business we get when your friends find out, is what we’re looking for. So give us a try for free, and if you don’t love us in a month, simply uninstall, kick back, and watch the trojans come knocking at your back door.(Yes, we know about that fetish too.)

So call now, and take advantage of our trial offer.

 

Bumping and grinding on the TV screen, with the biggest smile that I’ve ever seen,

Birdman

 

Google+ Comments

10 thoughts on “Porntivirus Web Condom

  1. You have a sick mind, which is probably why I’m here commenting on your blog. And I was all nice, calm, and showered watching a little baseball on TV when you have to go and get me all worked up by mentioning Lauren Phoenix.

    I need a Porntivirus now.

  2. How did you know about my Chewbecca fascination???? (on a true note – the license plate on my husband’s car says “Wookiee”… Oh and don’t forget we are the owners of 2 Malamutes. Malamutes were the inspiration for Chewy’s noises).

    Now, where can I purchase Porntivirus?

    • Oddly enough, I have a Chewbacca story, but due to the threat of being murdered, I can’t share it. (Pssst, it’s about sex.) Oddly enough again, it seems to just be bloggers that want to use Porntivirus.

      • Ooooo, now I’m all curious about this sex/Chewbecca story. But, alas, I don’t want you to be murdered over sharing this story, so I won’t push…. Sigh.

    • Yes it is. I think I need to make the red spot a little bigger now though. Thanks for reading, and for the comment.

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