Jul 06

The Many Lives And Deaths Of Dovey-Doo – Chapter One

I don’t know if it’s normal to immediately start thinking of how you will write things, so soon after losing your dog. Maybe that’s how you know you have a writer’s mind.

For me, I think it’s a way of coping with things. @amirtheawesome1 wrote about how he uses dark humour to deal with life and for me, it isn’t totally different. I deal with my thoughts via scenarios.

I linked to that post because I don’t feel like explaining the scenarios when I already have a post written that spells them out.

What I am planning to do here is to string a bunch of my scenarios together as best I can, and publish them in a series of chapters that I might turn into a 99¢ ebook on Amazon one day.

I can’t say for sure that I will, but I do have big dreams of earning $7-$9 a month and this looks like a good way to get the ball rolling.

As I write this, we are still not sure what has happened to our dog, Dover. We went camping out by the dam and both boys, Blue and Dover, took off at 4:30 AM when we let them out for a pee. At least that is what I assumed they wanted. They were dancing around on us and whining, so I opened the door.

When I opened it to let them back in, they wouldn’t even come near, so we left them out there to do dog things. It was still a couple of hours until their breakfast and they don’t often get the chance to run around in the wild and explore.

Before I go further and get the “better pet owner than you” people telling me I shouldn’t have let them out on their own or giving me flak about not having them on about leashes, let me say that I don’t think it’s fair to coop animals up if there is a chance for them to be free. Even if it’s just for a day.

In my mind, a dog is no different than we are. They have a purpose in life, and their government(us), won’t let them realize their destiny because society gets angry when the garbage is torn up all over the porch and the brand new haskap bush that they just bought for $50 at the nursery is dying from concentrated urine streams.

So we have to fence them in.

Or they get put down by the dog catcher. There is no in between.

Well, I guess we could keep paying the $50 fine every day, but then they would probably get hit by a car as we live in town and the dogs aren’t street savvy.

We, as people, are fenced in as well but unless you are imprisoned it’s usually figurative, like jobs, lack of funds, etc… I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel all that free. I feel freer than a lot of people, but I still have to appease The Man for my food and shelter.

I even have to do tricks and entertain for a few extra scraps.

Just like a dog.

So we find places where there are no dog catchers, asshole neighbours, or traffic and we let them run around. They chase things, bark, and see what new smells are out there. Oftentimes they will com-pee-te. That’s when they keep pissing on stuff the other dog has already pissed on. Sometimes it’s at the same time and someone comes out with the stain of shame. It was usually Dover because he was closer to the ground.

In short, they get to be dogs.

So after they didn’t come back for breakfast we started to worry a bit. I reasoned that they were just having too much fun to be bothered with food, but it was not like Dover to ever miss a meal. We went for a drive and honked the horn a lot.

By around 10 AM we were walking along the beach with a whistle, a can of bear spray, and yelling for the dogs at the top of our lungs. It was pouring rain by now. We did that for an hour and then went to buy a cell phone charger as we were both out of battery. We figured we would be home by now and wouldn’t have service anyhow, so we didn’t even think to bring a charger.

We got back after noon and Blue was crying in the bushes and could barely walk. He was drenched and shaking really bad, but there didn’t seem to be any broken bones or lacerations so I gave him a handful of food and put him in the warm truck. Then we went looking for Dover. Gerri waited at camp in case he came back.

We stayed an extra night there, hoping he was just waiting out the rain somewhere, but he didn’t come back and didn’t answer our calls the next day either. The rain was knocking the shit out of everything and I could feel a buildup starting in my lungs, so we packed everything up and went home.

That was three days ago. We still haven’t heard anything.

This is the general area. Probably about 50 km²

The road across the dam is closed, so it’s about 70 km of mostly logging roads to get there now. Usually, you could be there in about 25 minutes going across the dam, but now it’s about an hour and a half.

This is a closer view of the immediate area.

Just in case you wanted more details. The water level is way down, so you can walk further up the beach.

It doesn’t look good, but we are hoping a logger, construction worker, boater or random person finds him and contacts us. We have put up signs, contacted the dam security, and did the online thing in hopes of locating him.

There are so many things that could have happened and I created an amazing number of scenarios in my head while I was looking for him.

That’s what this is all about.

 

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Jul 02

Blue And The Wolf

Every couple of days I take Blue out to the woods so he can run and hunt. I take him for little walks to the field/woods across the street, but he has to stay on a leash when we’re in town. He can’t be trusted with certain liberties, like freedom or short garbage cans.

He also can’t be trusted when we go on our hunting runs, but there isn’t as much traffic on the road there, and he usually runs in the same direction I walk.

I left him on his leash one day last week, because I was trying to get him further from the road before freeing him. As we crested the first knoll, I squinted at something down the field a little way. I had left my glasses in the car for some reason, but I could tell it was an animal and a pretty big one. I went a little bit closer because I thought it might be a farmers dog. There are many within a mile of there, so it’s quite possible that they might be roaming around these fields. As I approached, it looked up at us and I could see that it was eating something, but I didn’t know what. I could also see that it was a wolf.

Blue wouldn't stand a chance.(photo from http://wolfevolution.webs.com)

Blue wouldn’t stand a chance.
(photo from http://wolfevolution.webs.com)

Luckily for me, Blue was snuffling around at the edge of the woods and didn’t notice it, so I slowly turned around and started back up the field towards the car. I kept looking back, making sure it wasn’t chasing us down. It wasn’t, but it hadn’t gone back to eating yet either. It just watched us walk away.

We got back to the car with me getting my adrenaline under control, and Blue seeming to sense something was wrong. There had been all kinds of sign throughout the summer and fall, but I always just figured they were coyotes and wouldn’t bother with us. Oh well, it was time to go home anyway.

If you were to say that Blue and I have a bond, you would be grossly understating our relationship.

Gerri says that she’s never seen a dog love someone as much as he loves me. I don’t know if it’s true, because I think that all true dog people have these connections with their pooches, but who can really gauge puppy love?

I tell you this to ramp up to our next run at the same place.

It had rained, so I parked the car on the side of the road, instead of in the field like I normally would. We started into the bush, because the field is slippery if it’s wet, and I didn’t want to be sliding down the hills. I let Blue off the leash and he skittered away in search of excitement and adventure. I saw some drier looking spots out in the clearing, so I trudged through the wet grass until I got into the open. I whistled a couple of times for Blue, but he didn’t come. Big surprise there. He actually got pretty good at coming when we were in obedience class, but there weren’t things to hunt there, so we didn’t get to work on that distraction.

We must have been going to, or coming back from camping.

We must have been going to, or coming back, from camping.

I started to play Dope Wars to kill time while I waited for Blue to get tired, but then I heard him start barking. It wasn’t his usual bark, like when he thinks he’s hot on the trail of a squirrel or a coon. It was more of a distressed, but aggressive bark. I started walking that way when the barks turned to yelps and I could hear him fighting something. Now I was running as fast as my legs could take me. I came through a bunch of sumacs and pine trees to see the wolf shaking Blue by the back of his neck. He had to be at least twice as big as my poor little hound.

I don’t even remember thinking anything, I just remember running and kicking his chest and feeling ribs crack. He was up faster than I could believe was possible and then leapt on top of me, knocking me back into the branches of a pine tree.I was scared shitless in an instant but didn’t have time to think about it. He was snarling and snapping at my face on the way down, but luckily never connected. Foamy, pink spit was spraying all over, and I couldn’t get my one arm out from under his heavy thrashing legs.

The smell was disgusting. It was like rotting meat mixed with burning hair. I heard a growl and he turned back to where Blue was viciously attacking him from behind and that gave me the time and space I needed to get my right arm free. As he turned back I shoved my thumb right inside his eye socket and he let out this awful shrieking howl with his jaws wide open. I tried to get him over so I could get on top, but the thrashing was too violent and then he got free and bolted into the woods.

Car rides are his second favourite.

Car rides are his second favourite.

I don’t know how he didn’t die instantly, because my thumb is probably two inches long to where I had buried it, but he didn’t, and I wasn’t about to go chasing him. I spun around to see Blue back on the ground with his neck bleeding really bad and his stomach torn open. I took my coat off and put him in it, trying to slow the flow of blood from his belly, because it seemed worse than his neck. I ran to the car with him in my arms, and I assume we would have made it to the vet clinic in time, had we needed to go.

We didn’t, because the last part never really happened. It’s one of the many visions I have on any given day. I call them scenarios, and I assumed that everyone had them. I thought that’s what a daydream was. I wouldn’t have even mentioned it, but Gerri has recently made me aware of the fact that she doesn’t know of anyone that has them, and that she thinks it’s kind of rare. I highly doubt that it is, but I thought I would explain it, and see if anyone else gets these same type of visions. Just to see if I’m crazy or not.

Hey, there might be some happy pills in my future. You never know.

I find it amazing that the mind can watch a “head movie” that is minutes, or sometimes hours long and vivid, but in reality, it’s over in seconds. That’s just how I’ve always seen things. Memories, dreams, and these scenarios. I find it odd that not everyone does. I guess it’s just not something that comes up in conversation.

Anyhow, I’m going to try and make notes when they happen and maybe write them down to one day make a book or something out of them. I probably won’t remember, because it’s just the way it’s always been, but I’ll try. Maybe I can figure out how to control them, and it will help me to focus on things, instead of always being off in left field all the time.

So… what about you? Do you have scenarios playing in your head all the time? Ever? When you have a memory, is it video, photos, or is it just a feeling?

I’m posting this because it’s relevant to a project I’m planning to do on Steemit and I think I will be doing it through Change The Topic and the SteemPress plugin. I’m just trying to figure things out right now, so please bear with me.

Photos are my own unless otherwise credited.

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Jun 17

Dicks (They Come In Different Shapes And Sizes) – Comedy Open Mic Round 18

Well, if no one else is going to do it, then I will. I’ve had enough of people telling me how big their dick is. Yeah, yeah, I know your dick is bigger than mine, but I don’t need to keep hearing about it.

It’s even harder(no pun intended) now that I have joined the COM Discord server. It’s an international pissing contest over there, and photos are freely shared, especially in @carlgnash’s special room. I get to hear about @amirtheawesome1’s big Iraqi dick, which is oddly a lot paler than I expected, seeing as he’s Iraqi and I generally stereotype everything. @holybranches and @belemo are always going off about how Nigerians have huge black dicks, which I believe because as I’ve previously stated, stereotypes.

Everyone is always playing the dick card in there and I started feeling bad about myself. My dick just doesn’t measure up to the others. While not as short and powerful as Amir’s or as stretched and sinewy as Holy and Belemo’s, the upside is aesthetics. My wife says that mine’s attractive and tells me that size doesn’t matter as much as being non-threatening and safe. (She also says that same-sex friendly is important, but she has this thing where she figures that everyone has a gay streak in them.) Anyhow, that isn’t helpful when I’m already sullen and worried that my dick doesn’t measure up. I do love her for trying though.

So I was kind of getting over the initial shock of seeing their dicks when I see a photo of @doomsdaychassis’s dick. He honestly has the biggest prick I’ve ever seen. The thing is a fucking monster that looks like it eats a pound of bacon every morning and farts out the grease.

That’s flaccid.

I’d hate to see that sucker after a few months of actually getting some exercise.

He says that after however many years of marriage you just give up on sex, so that kind of explains the muscular atrophy and the pastiness, but still, the sheer mass is impressive.

Anyhow, like I said, there is photographic evidence. I should just post it and let you judge for yourself who has the better dick. Not the bigger dick, because I have no shot at that. I know what battles to pick.

 

Here is my dick

Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau looking like a dapper temp in the office. (image source)

and Amir’s dick

Iraq President Fuad Masim
Tasnim News Agency [CC BY 4.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

And here is Holy and Belemo’s dick juxtaposed with Doomsday’s

President Donald Trump and Nigerian President Muhammadu during a news conference in the Rose Garden of the White House in Washington, Monday, April 30, 2018. (image source)

I am posting this as my second entry for Comedy Open Mic Round 18, because I’m a bandwagon jumper from way back and I saw an opening in the sexy body part post trend that has jumped from @beeyou to @abh12345 to @davemccoy.

Why shouldn’t I cash in on this lucrative series as well?

Anyhow, I am going to nominate @deliberator and @bashadow to write some funny for the contest. You can check out this round here and the rules are in that post as well.

Now check out this flashy banner that I hired @kayyam09 to create for me.

He’s working pretty cheap to start out so he can get his name out there, but I imagine it’ll go up pretty quick as the orders pile up. Check out his free stuff too. Recently he made a bunch of dividers like the ones I used in this post.

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Jun 16

This Is F*ck*ng Exciting! For Me – Comedy Open Mic Round 18

For Change The Topic followers:

So as most of you know I have switched over to writing on https://www.steemit.com.

It’s a blogging platform on the Steem blockchain, and while I can’t get into the whole cryptocurrency discussion of it all, I can speak to the blogging aspect.

The main thing I like about it is that it has me creating again. Both Mrs. Birdman and I. We’re back to doing Therapy Thursdays again as well, and we are going to be doing them via video if anyone ever sends us their problems again.

Now, I know that not really writing anything for years has led to a complete lack of engagement on here, so I don’t expect that many are still following, but I do enjoy having things I write on here and have really enjoyed going back through old posts and reliving my not so distant youth.

There are some things I don’t even remember writing.

There are a lot of other great things about it, but getting rich is not one of them. I was under the impression that money flowed like wine from a soccer mom’s juice bottle, but I was misinformed.

It’s actually a cryptocurrency called Steem, and it flows more like me trying to poop after eating the whole cheese ball at Nana’s. Fuck off, it was full of Old Nippy and it was delicious.

Like I said, I don’t know anything about crypto. (That’s what we call cryptocurrency on Steemit. We’re all hip to the terms and shit.) I know that the price of crypto has been going down, so the value of my account has been going down as well. It was worth about $300 and it’s now worth about $150. I have also given a lot of my SBD away for contest prizes and stuff like that because I’m in this more for the long haul and I feel that positively impacting the platform where most of the creators are struggling to be seen, will help with longevity.

I’m not doing this to make a quick buck. I could throw a few handies out behind a gym if I was looking for that.

Hold on a sec. Did you catch that I implied that there were gays hanging out at gyms? That was just me throwing shade because I’m fat and pretending that I’m above going to a gym because of the gay guys that may or may not be there.

I’m not. It’s actually laziness that keeps me away from the gym. If we could guarantee to run into some decent gay guys, I’m sure Mrs. Birdman and I would both be there trying to lure them into our web. I mostly just want someone to explain some of the jokes on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

I get a kick out of that show, but there are some jokes where everyone is laughing, but I’m just sitting there, smiling, and waiting for the punchline.

Anyhow, the reason I’m so excited now is that there is a new plugin for my WordPress blog that will publish the post to Steemit without having @cheetahbot and @steemcleaners coming at you for plagiarising your own content. This is awesome because the interface in WordPress is way easier to use than writing code into Steemit.

It’s called SteemPress

This means I can publish on Change The Topic and simultaneously to my Steemit account. Apparently without a hitch. This post is a test, plus I figured I could use it as an entry for Comedy Open Mic as well.

So here are my nominations and a banner that was made by @matytan

I am nominating @kayyam09 and @cryptkeeper17 to join in the fun.

You can find out what you need to know about the contest here

They are a great bunch of fucking degenerates, and I know that they partly feel the same about me. (If you didn’t pick up on my subtlety, I was saying they think I’m a fucking degenerate.)

Anyhow, hope to see more of you around and check things out. You might just find a reason to get out of bed in the afternoon.

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Jun 02

Calling All Canadians

Do you know what I love?

DQmWHJgPDRVLxFz3cUxFCvWUdYPwJm1XhxTLGqLfYeg3wqg_1680x8400.jpg

Yep, that’s right. I fucking love @comedyopenmic, (from here on in called COM) and I am proud to say it. It’s a fantastic community full of funny, helpful people, that really love to laugh and to make others laugh.

Do you know what I hate?

floydbeebesforehead1.jpg
(image source)

When my forehead tattoo becomes obsolete, and every kid that pulls up to the drive-thru when I’m on shift asks me what it means.

It means get some fucking culture. You’ve really never heard of Larry The Cable Guy?

Another thing I love is the COM Discord channel. When you’re in there you can shoot the shit, lounge around Carl’s cock room, or get some comedic troubleshooting done.

Speaking of comedic lessons, you can check out one of Amir’s Comedy School posts to get some tips on how to tickle the funny bone of a potential mate, or in @belemo‘s case, how to tickle your own funny bone. (I think he calls it that because of its unnatural downward curve when erect.)
banana-1504956_960_720.png
(possibly a touch of jaundice as well.)(image source)

Something I don’t love is that I seem to be the only Canadian that is active in the COM Discord channel, so when I’m at the computer, all of the others are asleep. When I get up at 5 AM, I am just in time to say goodnight to everyone and then scroll through to see all the fun they had without me there.

I sense a lot of people thinking, ‘We always have more fun when you aren’t around.’ and to them, I say…

…nothing because it’s hard to talk through a veil of tears and dashed hopes of friendship.

So I’m calling on all Canucks to rally with me to defend this great injustice against our people. Everyone knows that we produce some of the finest comedy faces known to man.
Relic06.jpg
(Only a few, if any, will understand this.)(image source)

Screen-Shot-2017-06-28-at-1.55.05-PM-768x762.png
(I fucking hope these aren’t in order of importance, or someone’s got some splainin’ to do.)(image source)

Do any of you know the feeling of sending a bunch of inane messages into all the channels, only to be awakened by a series of dings at 9:30 PM?

What? I go to bed at 9. Fuck off, I’m old and have to get up at 5. I also forget to turn my ringer off most nights.

It’s not like the old days when I could party until 4 AM because I just got fired and my girlfriend wasn’t home. I really didn’t have to get up for anything. Also, I think I invented the girlfriend because I lived in a 1987 Dodge Caravan and liked to snort oven cleaner. Even if she was real, you know you couldn’t trust her.

Anyhow, I’m calling on all of you Canadians to rise to the occasion and submit an original entry to #comedyopenmic and show these fucking Aussies, Brits, Nigerians, Indonesians, Phlips, and Indians that we hosers know how to gut punch. I can feel their taunts.

Mostly because they actually type them out.
roast.JPG
(I thought they were giving me my own room, but it turns out they just really like Game Of Thrones.)

I know it’s mostly in jest, but it still hurts that I don’t have anyone here to mourn the loss of The Rick Mercer Report and Gord Downie with. There’s nobody here to lament about the constant rise of maple syrup prices or the collateral damage of beavers damming up the roadsides.

It’s a harsh reality and it’s mine.

Laugh if you will, because that is the ultimate goal of COM, but know this: winter is coming and we are going to be prepared for that motherfucker. We’ve got our cold weather gear at the ready and the kids(in the hall) are out there stacking firewood as we speak.

All we need now are your funnies to join the fight. If you don’t have a Steemit account, they’re free, so go get one HERE and while you’re waiting to get approved, start writing, singing or videoing??? your best comedy jabs. I don’t know about next week, but the grand prize this week is 55 SBD, which is close to $100 USD and I’m not good with math but that must be about $3700 CDN, right? You can buy a fleet of canoes, a large poutine, and a two-four with that.

You can find out more about it in this post right here

Comedy Open Mic Comedy Contest – Round 16

It’s a lot of fun and it makes Jerry fucking Banfield easier to take when you have comedy (and flaming red lips) to soften the blowjob.If you are on Steemit, what the hell are you waiting for? Get in here and rock out with your proverbial cock out. Also, get your ass in to vote @comedyopenmic as witness. It will make you feel good about yourself. Probably even negate that thing you did that’s been keeping you up at night.

Alright, I see @idikuci coming with the hook, so I guess that’s my time. Please help me, before they start throwing darts at pictures of Anne Murray and Gordon Lightfoot again. I can’t take any more of that blaspheme.

Keep rockin’, Gordie

 

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