Sep 16

Wing Night Is Not For The Weak Of Heart, Or Stomach

I think my body tried to explain something to me last night, as I was cramming the second pound of wings along with the second pint into my maw.

I, of course, paid it no heed. I mean what the hell does it know? I’m the brains of this here operation, and I’m not taking orders from some bloated, dough-like bag of guts that thinks one pound is enough. I’m a man, and no one is going to tell me what to do. Right? Who’s with me fellas?

Just to show it who’s wearing the pants, I figured I’d DQ something different, and tried to stuff a chocolate dipped cone in for dessert, which is probably what started the fight. Needless to say, I overdosed on Zantac and was apologizing profusely to my rotund, but extremely wise body in between meat dreams.

I’m sure this weekend will result in me getting some pictures on this here internet thingy. Any requests? I’m not too frightened of copyright infringement, so pick something good. Like really, what can they possibly do to me?1)famous last words

It’s also my stepdad day with the girls tomorrow. I’m giving them the choice of either the movies, the fall fair or Chapters. I hope they pick the fair, but I’m sure they will go for the fucking bookstore. Why did I have to fall in love with a girl that has smart kids that want to read and shit? I guess it’ll pay off in the end, but I’m really looking forward to some taffy and making fun of the dirty carnies. Oh how I hate the carnies, with their brown teeth, mullets and carefree, gypsy lifestyle.

Make sure you whip your hair,

Birdman

P.S. Did you notice I put a picture up?

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Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. famous last words
Sep 15

Scarlett Johansson nude???

Birdman

Sign me up for that mailing list. I’m not saying that I’d ever stray, but if the future Mrs. Birdman was ever wanting to give me a threesome to soften the blow of turning forty, this would make for a pretty sweet birthday present.

Have you ever noticed that you don’t see your boss all day, but the minute you take a dump on the hood of his car, he walks around the corner and busts your ass?

What ever happened to Frankie on his trip to Hollywood? I hope he made it okay.

Remember fluorescent clothing? When’s that shit coming back into fashion?

 

Birdman

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Sep 15

I Love Date Night

wpid-mindofbirdman.jpg

I just don’t love how tired I am the next morning. I keep trying to knock it out of park like I’m twenty, but in reality I’m rounding forty, can rarely make it through a night without getting up to pee and I have an arthritic shoulder. I also don’t like that women peak so late in life, when men are starting to feel the abuse that their bodies have taken over the years. Had I known, I wouldn’t have done things like, but not limited to:

  • Jumping out of speeding watercraft
  • Seeing how many headbutts I could take before concussing (7)
  • Seeing how many girls I could kiss, without getting herpes (18)
  • Jumping off of assorted bridges, because Scooter did it.
  • Punching bouncers
  • Other various feats of strength

Of course, my male ego likes to make me think I’m worn out because I last so long and go at it with such adolescent enthusiasm that any mortal man would faint at the task, but I think if we ask Mrs. Birdman, we would learn differently. (Excuse me as I weep silently, while clutching at the last shreds of my manliness.)

 

Oh well, now that the kids are back to school, we can get back on schedule, which is date night every Wednesday, and on every other Thursday is the best day of all. (drumroll please) Wing/date night. Jesus, can life get any better than a carnivorous, beer fueled feeding frenzy, followed by seven minutes of blissful passion?

I don’t think so.
Thanks for being here for me,
Birdman

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Sep 14

Susan Boyle NUDE!!!

Nah, I’m just kidding, I am a bit curious myself though. I bet she’s sporting a bush that could house a nest of fox squirrels or pack rats or something. Sounds like she’s got quite a set of lungs on her too, and we all know that that means. 😉

I’m kind of enjoying this blogging thing so far, it gives me something to do while I’m waiting around. Before this, I had to sit around pretending not to look at the receptionist’s ass and playing mindless games on the phone. I guess facebook took up a bit of time as well, but that was mostly boredom. I would just flip through, hoping to find some old girlfriend who dumped me for some hot guy that didn’t make her pay for everything or bang her sister. Then I creep her profile, hoping to find even a hint of misery. Then I’d pinch my nipples really hard as punishment for being such a spiteful douchebag.

 

I love you,
Birdman

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Sep 14

Learning To Blog

I’m sorry about the way I write, but this is how I think. I’ve been told all through school that I’m all over the place and need to focus, but it’s not that easy for me. I want to self diagnose ADD, or something, but that’s mainly so I could score some Ritalin. The problem with self diagnosing, is the prescription. The lady at the pharmacy here is pretty savvy and constantly thwarts my efforts.

Next I’m going to figure out what the category and tag features do on here, but that will have to wait until I get home from work tonight. The WordPress app for Android can only do so much, and I’ve found that no matter how much I yell and throw it, it just won’t read my mind.

As for my job, I’ve (we’ve) made the decision to quit and head back to the oilpatch for the winter. This will afford me the time I’ll need to see if I want to pursue a career in radio, which is something that really interests me. It’s going to be pretty tough, being away from my family for so long, but I’ve done it before, and we can clear up a lot of debt. It’s pretty nice to have that option these days, with the economy the way it is. I’m hoping to go out for a month or so, come home for the holidays and then back out for another month or so.

It’s a camp job, so all my lodging and meals are covered. The other nice thing about camp is that the ether bunny stops by every few nights for a little sumpin sumpin. I think I’ll put a sign on my door this year, to only use half the amount of ether as last year, so I can be at least partially awake. It might help with that cottonmouth feeling as well. I feel a bit picky asking, because although it’s nice to know you are getting laid on a regular basis, I’m not even sure that I like receiving anal.

I was going to wait to tell you this, but sometimes I say inappropriate things. I’ll let you decide what’s real and what’s fiction.

Hope to see you tomorrow,

Birdman

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