Oct 14

Eighteen more days :(

I’m really not looking forward to this. I know it’s the best thing for us right now, and I know it’s not the end of the world, but I dread the fact that I’m not going to be tucking anyone in , getting spontaneous hugs or being there to answer geography questions. Well, unless I end up in camp with Doug, but what are the chances of that? I am really going to miss these girls that are now such a huge part of my life. I am going to miss their smiles when I finally get home from work, the groans of displeasure when they don’t get what they want and the way they fight tooth and nail, and then make up immediately after and say “I love you” to each other. It makes me realize what I was missing all of those years, and I wonder where I’d be now if I had had children when I was younger. Divorced to be sure, and probably working lots of overtime at some factory job to give my kids as good an upbringing as possible, while trying to be as big a part of their life as I can.

I always figured I’d be a good dad, because I had two fathers to learn from. I’m not saying they were perfect by any means, but they did try, and they grew up in a different time, so they were just doing what they had learned. You have to give people credit for trying, right? I mean, times are constantly changing, and what was right yesterday, may not be right today and surely won’t be right tomorrow. Some of the hard-ass things that were taught by their fathers, were certainly softened by the time it was their turn to carry the torch.

When I say that I learned from them, I mean what to do, and also what not to do. I learned that speaking to children like they are idiots, will only create feelings of inadequacy and resentment, but if you allow a child to help with something important, while telling them that you couldn’t have done it without them, it will make them feel like a million bucks, and there isn’t much that they can’t accomplish if they try. Another thing that I picked up as a child is that there isn’t much that a hug and an explanation can’t fix when you’ve just gotten a blast of shit for something. There are few feelings worse than being told you’ve done something very bad and sent away, while never being told why it was wrong and what you could have done instead. That just creates anxiety by making them wonder what they did that was wrong.

One thing that always made me feel as though I was really special, was getting to do something fun, without any of the other kids. That was something that we had, it was something that we bonded over. It didn’t even matter what it was. A walk in the woods, throw a ball back and forth, or fix up an old Ski-Doo.

Oh right, we were talking about going to camp. Like I said, I’m not looking forward to it. I’ll be gone about six weeks for the first stint, and they might forget who I am. I’m hoping they remember me, and that nothing will change when I get back for Christmas, but there is always that feeling in the back of my mind, that I won’t be as important to them as they are to me, because I wasn’t there every night to say sweet dreams, or to help them with a project. That thought really scares me, even though I know it’s only six weeks, and I’ll be able to send and receive videos on the phone and if I’m lucky, the camps will have better wi-fi than last year, and I’ll be able to Skype every night.

Shit, that would be so sweet to be able to see those faces before I crawl under my thin wool blanket, with the sounds of loud TVs, and the asshole that always seems to be having a fight with his girlfriend every night at ten o’clock. When I was gone last year, I hadn’t been more than their mother’s friend, and they didn’t understand that I was going to be such a big part of their life, and neither did I.

I guess we never know how much we are going to love someone, until it happens, and even then it seems that there is no limit to how far it can go. When I met Mrs. Birdman, I knew I liked her, and I thought I could fall in love with her, because I admired, respected and adored her, but I honestly never thought it could be like this, and every day that we are together, she shows me new depths to her personality, and in so doing, she’s shown me new heights within myself that I hit, and others that I aspire to.

I do dread going to camp, but I know that what we have is strong and deep enough, that a month and a half will fly by, and then comes the reunion cocooning. I happen to know from experience, that it’s the best type of cocooning, and other than a bit of dehydration and some friction sores, it will make you forget that you were ever apart.

 

You look extremely sexy in spandex,

Birdman

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Oct 13

Therapy Thursday

Dear Birdman,

I am a little stuck on what to do. There is a girl I have a crush on. I really want to ask for her phone number or ask her for a date but I’m shy. I’m not sure how to get over it and ask her.  Can you help me? I figured since you got yourself a hot woman, you would know.

Shy in the North

 

Dear Shy,

 

I’d like to thank you for making up a good name, and then tell you that you have good taste in women. You are correct about me bagging a good one.

As for your query, you need to make an amateur porn video to showcase your skills and mail it to her. I’m guessing that you’re too shy to find someone that will star in your short film, so here are a few hints. Call an escort service and give the girl an extra hundred bucks, but don’t tell her about the freaky shit or she’ll bolt. You need to surprise her with that stuff and make sure she’s facing the camera when you spring it on her, so you capture the look of surprise on her face. There’s nothing that chicks find more sexy than being surprised in the sack.

You should also follow her home and go through her trash to find out what she likes to eat, drink etc… You should bug her home as well, and then call her while disguising your voice, and ask what she thinks of you, then when you hang up, you can see what she says about you out loud.

If it’s not very nice, I would throw a frozen brick of shit through her window, if it’s nice though, send her the video.

 

Free your mind, and the rest will follow,

Birdman

 

 

OMG…really?  I feel I must step in.  If you take the advice of this severely disturbed individual (aka my Fiance), you will be finding yourself spending many lonely nights without your crush, and in the warm embrace of a restraining order.  I think you should also know that Birdman is no authority on winning over the ladies.  His track record speaks for itself, with a 1/10 success rate.  I won him in a hand of poker, if you must know.

 

Listen Shy…I have some real advice for you.

 

Be yourself.  Start with simple conversation.  Say what you mean, and mean what you say.  Make eye contact.  Smile.  Then smile a bit more. 🙂

 

There is nothing wrong with being forward: “I think you are really fun to talk to and I’d love to take you out for a coffee/beer/dinner”…whatever.   Watch for her body language.  Is she leaned into your conversation?  Does she maintain and return eye contact?  When talk turns to the more personal, does she change the subject or try to navigate into ‘safer’ waters?  If you pay attention to your crush, she’ll be giving you plenty of signals to let you know if she is or isn’t into you.

 

Remember, you are selling YOU.  So be positive and engaging, and if she doesn’t take the bait, then send me her address and I will have my people pay her ‘a visit’.  I think you know what I mean.  *wink*

 

Your partner in crime,

 

Mrs. Birdman

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Oct 12

The Circus Was In Town

mindofbirdman

First of all, I want to let you know that I’m probably embellishing this story, so if you know the story, don’t get all pissy because the details are off. I heard it in camp about 8-9 years ago, and we all know that sometimes guys lie. That being said, I’ll tell you about Mumbles, his son-in-law (we’ll call him Cletus) and the fucking circus, because Dennis reminded me of it today, and it’s pretty funny.

Mumbles was an operator with us a long time ago, and I don’t know if he’s still around or not. I didn’t know him very well, maybe rode to work with him a few times, or saw him at dinner here and there, but you wouldn’t say we were buddies. I think the only reason I remember him is because of this story and the fact that his nickname was Mumbles. I am not going to explain how Mumbles got his name, and if you need me to, I want you to walk out your front door, find the first person you see, and ask them to kick your ass until you cry.

Doot doot doody doo do, doot doot doody doo do....

Doot doot doody doo do, doot doot doody doo do….

Anyhow, Mumbles’ daughter was with a real asshat, who wanted to borrow some money for a vehicle or a house payment or something like that. I don’t even remember the exact amount, but $2000 seems to stick in my mind. So Mumbles got out of camp and lent this dude the money, thinking it was going to help his daughter out of a jam, even though he was less than excited about her choice of men.

When he heads back to work, Mumbles finds out that his idiot son-in-law took his daughter to the circus while it was in the area. A LOT. It seems that they spent all of the money that he lent them, minus $200, going to the bloody circus.

How the fuck do you do that? It’s a goddam circus for Christ’s sake. (Sorry for the taking of the names in vain.(not really)) I find it hard to believe that two people could spend $180 at six circuses, let alone $1800 for however many they went to. (I’m guessing three). Are they twelve year old kids in the 1920’s?  Two crazy kids, falling in love with the romantic, nomad life of the circus, losing their money in a con game played by a one-eyed roustabout who promised he would let them run away with the rest of the filthy transients. Perhaps they paid a lion tamer’s assistant to have a three-way while he dressed up as a clown, or maybe the handler got the elephant to give him some sort of trunk job. How else could you blow a large wad of dough at a circus? The possibilities are truly endless if you ask me.

How the hell could you be sad at a time like this, Mr. GreenFingers?

I can’t say whether or not Mumbles really knocked Cletus out to get the two hundred bucks back from him, but I want to believe he did.  I like to think he was whistling that old, familiar circus tune while he did it.

“Doot doot dootle ootle, doot doot dootle, doot dootleootle, doot dootleootle…”

Kick that dumb bastard once for all of us Mumbles.

 

Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys,

Birdman

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Oct 11

Do you know what I really enjoy?

Seeing Indian couples holding hands in the street. It makes me proud to live in a country that allows them to do that. A lot of people are down on immigration, and go on about the government letting all of these people in, while we don’t have enough jobs for the people that are here. I know our system needs a lot of work, and I’m not here to argue for or agin, but I always feel happy to see people enjoying freedoms that they wouldn’t have in their homeland.

I couldn’t imagine all of the horrible things that go on in some of those places. I know I wouldn’t want to live in a place where women aren’t allowed to drive. How the hell would I get home from the bar when it’s my turn to drink? Jesus, I’d have to drive Mrs. Birdman’s drunk ass around every time we went out. No thank you, not in my lifetime. I like the fact that we can take turns realizing how annoying we are to each other, it makes things seem more fair somehow.

That’s why I don’t begrudge anyone the chance to move to a place that allows them to live with the same liberties that we take for granted on a daily basis. Most of us don’t live in fear, we aren’t dying in the streets or in sweat shops. Sure there are exceptions to every rule, but on the whole, we are a relatively lucky society. Well, except for Christianity and global free trade, that’s still a fucking pile of horseshit. I dare all of you to find some locally made products to give out this Christmas. The people who are making the stuff will thank you, and maybe they will be able to put a nice dinner on their table this year.

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Oct 11

So, Breaking Bad huh?

We just started watching the fourth season, because it sucks having to watch something every week. Now we can just watch them whenever we feel like it, and there’s no waiting. It’s pretty frigging intense, and I don’t know how they keep coming up with new scenarios that keep building and building. I guess it’s just great writing, which I find has been lacking in a lot of television programming these days. I don’t watch a lot of TV, but I got hooked on a few different series years ago, and now I feel like I need to see them through to the end. I guess the reason we don’t watch TV is because we try to spend most of our free time in the cocoon, or getting ready for the cocoon. We use the computer a lot more than the television, for some reason I think it makes me smarter when I have to actually think and do things with my fingers (well two of them). Right now I’m spending most of my time trying to figure out this WordPress site, and getting it to where it is working properly and looking alright.

I should apologize for all of the screwing around with the subscription stuff, the contact page and all of the other tweaking that I’m trying. I am just realizing how tricky this is when you have no experience at it. I should probably just stick to watching porn and looking for parts for my teleporter on Ebay. Oh right, I guess I didn’t tell you about my teleporter. It’s pretty cool, I made it out of some old VCR machines, some PC circuit boards and a bunch of Sega Genesis consoles. I haven’t really got it working yet, because I kind of don’t know much about science or whatever makes a teleporter work, but I think I will have a better chance than when I tried to build the time machine. It seems that transporting matter through space is going to be a bit easier than moving people through time, right?

Anyhow, I’m sorry that I didn’t have much for you this morning, but I’ll try to get some time during the day while I’m working. Now that there are so many windows in the trucks, it’s hard to masturbate while I’m waiting, so I might as well write something down. Right?

Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy,

Birdman

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