Oct 25

Shit my lady knows…

Hey you guys, I skipped work today, drove to the city, had a wonderful lunch with a couple of assholes at Lahore Tikka on Gerrard St. and got some shit done. We then picked up the wee ones and hit up Value Village in Belleville for our Halloween costumes and had some Taco Bell for supper. Indian and synthesized Mexican in one day does a job on a fellow’s digestive tract, so I’ve forced my baby to jot down a few words while I drove and searched for a washroom. When I read this, I realized that she’s almost as much of a lady as I am. I then realized I was crying, and regained my title of “Biggest vagina in a house full of women”. Yayyyyyyyy, I’m probably going to hold that title for life, and as long as they love me for it, I’m going to keep it that way. Also, it keeps me occupied on long trips, and that’s just trying to find the little man in the canoe. I know that elusive bastard is in there somewhere.

 

 

 

I think you don’t walk around on this earth for 40 years without learning a thing or two.  I’m not saying I am an expert at all things life-related, but what I am saying, is that this amount of time gives you a certain amount of perspective.

Over the past 4 decades I have worn many hats:  daughter, sister, niece, student, friend, lover, wife, mother.  The list goes on and on.  There are some titles I am proud to bear, and some I’d rather forget I ever did.  Regardless, every step I have taken along the way has brought me to this moment, just as your steps have delivered you as well.

These are some of the things I would like my own daughters to learn long before I did.  I would like them to know what they really want in this life, and what kinds of things are important enough to fight for.  So here goes…an open letter to my kids, and a wish that they get it right early in life.

Love your parents.  Good or bad, they probably did the best they could with what they had.  Put away as much of the anger as you are able.  You are going to fuck your kids up too, just by doing the best YOU can.  Full Circle, baby.  Someday they will be gone, so love them as much as you can while you have the chance.

Have principles and stick to them.  You know what’s right and wrong, and your beliefs are going to keep you company for a very long time.  Surround yourself with people who are honest, and who are true to their word.  One person doing the right thing can make a difference, however small it might be.  Be the strongest person you can, and never turn your back on your beliefs.

Love yourself.  If you don’t, or won’t, no one else will either.  Love every bit of you: your body, your mind, and your heart.  You will be showing others how to treat you, so love and respect who you are, and never accept less than you deserve.

You can and should control yourself. Understand that you cannot control anyone else.  I have wanted to control others, and I have tried in many ways to subtly, and not-so-subtly exert my influence on other people.  It’s not very affective.  You control you.  That’s it.  This is one of those things I wish I had learned much earlier in life.  Live and learn, I guess. You. Control. You.

Love with all your heart, but don’t waste your love on people who can’t, or won’t, love you with all of their heart.  There is truly no greater happiness than experiencing unconditional love from your partner.  It’s beautiful to see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you more than you love yourself.   You deserve to be loved like this.

I wish for you, the kind of happiness that everyone dreams of.  I want you to take pride in your accomplishments, and to learn from your mistakes.  I want you to be loved deeply and forever, by someone who loves and respects you.  I want you to become a mother someday, and to learn what it feels like to have your heart swell far beyond your imagination.

I will do my best with you girls, because you deserve everything I’ve got.  If I kiss you too much, or hug you too often, then I will be doing my job well.   I hope that when you are grown women, with busy lives and children that are embarrassed by you, that you smile when you think of me, and that you are thankful for the happiness you have known, and the love in which you have been securely wrapped.

Come give momma a little sugar,

Mrs. Birdman

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Oct 24

Know what I hate?

I hate seeing people that can’t afford to support themselves having kids. Yeah, and I mean it too. Why is this shit allowed to happen here? Two people that don’t have jobs start breeding and get rewarded for it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for social assistance if someone can’t work, or temporarily got set back a bit, but if you are capable of working, and are just plain lazy, you should not be allowed to have children. They should be taken away from you at birth, and given to a family that can support them without government assistance. It’s simple economics, and I believe psychology probably comes into effect, but I’m no expert, I’m just a dude with an opinion.

Now I have stated that I’m not an expert, so I don’t know how much you get from welfare, but everyone is constantly saying that it isn’t enough to live on. I’m not disputing that, I’m just saying to use a fucking condom, or better yet, don’t have sex. If you can’t afford to live with two people, what makes you think three or four will make it easier. I’ve never had a kid, but I know lots who have, and they are having a hard time with two incomes. They don’t even want to imagine that they’d have to do it with half the money coming in.

Another thing I hate is injustice. It makes me mad to see good things happening to bad people, and I go through the visions of meting out justice to the offenders, with a swift harshness seen only in Turkish prisons and mob movies. You drive like a prick, a huge guy pulls you over and shoves your face through the side window. You do it again, and you lose a hand. This is to be televised on roadside cameras, so that everyone can see what happens when you are an asshole. I bet you’d have a bunch of courteous motherfuckers letting you in every day, and you can be damn sure no one will be illegally parked during rush hour anymore.

Speaking of injustice, I’ve figured out a way to recoup losses in the penal system. Let’s take Paul Bernardo for instance. We know without a doubt that the sick bastard is guilty as hell. You know, with the video evidence and all that. Are you ready for this? Auction off beatings on the dirty scumbag. I know I’d kick in a hundred or so to the French and Mahaffy families to beat that douche to within an inch of his life. You’d need a doctor there to make sure he didn’t die, and to get him healed up for next months lambasting by the highest bidder. I know you’d make a bit off of the auctions, but can you imagine the television rights? Oh yeah, people would need to see that, but mostly just to scare the shit out of them. We all know that God isn’t scaring people anymore, so someone has to, and we might as well pay for the prisons somehow other than our taxes. I know this all sounds brutal, and it is, but I think it would work, and even if it didn’t, I’d like to see that perverted fuck get a little payback for the torture and grief that him and his twisted deviant wife have caused so many people. I hope that she gets it the same way she gave it, except twice as hard and twice as often.

Jesus, have you had enough yet? I don’t know where this anger came from all of a sudden, but there it is, and I don’t want to take it back. I am a firm believer in corporal punishment, if it is proven without a shadow of a doubt. Do you wish I had said that people on welfare should be beaten if they have kids? That would be funny to say, but only because of the absurdity of it. Instead, I think that chemical castration and tube tying after the first one, or after a year of being a lazy leech. I again want to stress that this does not apply to all people on social assistance, but we all know that there are some that abuse the system, and they know who they are. I guess they are probably not reading this blog, so if you know such a fiend, print this post and stick it to their door with a Rambo knife, like in roadhouse when he stuck it to the gas pedal. Try to avoid ripping their throat out though. There’s no need to get all crazy and shit like Patrick Swayze before he died from smoking. Apparently he was really bad ass as a fighter, so it’s a good thing that not too many people put Baby in a corner.

Give your body to science,

Birdman

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Oct 23

Cream of puffball soup! Are you kidding me?

Well friends, everything works out for a reason I guess, and last night was no different. We stopped in at my sister Shelley’s yesterday around lunchtime, because that’s how we roll. I must have looked hungrier than my darling, because I was eventually offered a hot dog, and by then, it was quite welcome. While there, we were asked when we were available to go out for dinner, because my sisters wanted to see me before I left. (Pretty sweet, huh?) We figured that it had to be last night, so we hemmed and hawed until we had come up with a plan that included no children, and maybe a pint or two.

We decided on Capers in Campbellford, ON, because it is our favourite date restaurant, and my sisters have heard us rave about it so much that they wanted to try it for themselves. So, Mrs. Birdman made the reservations, Kelley arranged a babysitter at her place, and we all dropped our children off there. We then embarked on our kidless journey to have a nice meal without any complaining, fighting or unwelcome noise. It was just six adults on a four hour gastronomic vacation. The world was our oyster, and we were going to experience life firsthand.

I know what you’re thinking: Why would anyone want to go hang out with their family, on purpose? Well, I maybe haven’t mentioned it before, but I’m pretty lucky when it comes to life. You know how you just love your family, no matter what? There is a rule there that demands a deep, unspoken bond, a rule that states you must stand by someone, even though you can’t stand speaking to them. My family is no different, except for the fact that I truly like them as well. Mrs. B likes them too, and we also like their husbands, so that’s a huge plus. I can’t say how they feel about us, but they treat us really well, and make us feel welcome all the time, so what more can you ask for?

I surely couldn’t have ended up with better brothers-in-law, (or is it brother-in-laws?) than I have been given. They are good providers and they are both devoted to my sisters and their children. That’s really all you could hope for, isn’t it, that the people you love the most are well cared for and loved themselves? Well, amazingly, they are also stand up guys, very funny, and extremely kind-hearted. We really couldn’t be luckier. I have to admit that I was skeptical, as I always was, because you don’t want your sisters to wind up marrying a couple of douchebags. You know the ones, they sit around drinking, not holding down a job, maybe fucking around on them, if they can find some chick that will agree to it. I’ve met my share of them, and so have you. There’s a good chance that a few of that type of douchebag is reading this right now, and if that’s true then SMARTEN UP, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. Get a grip on life, and man up. There are people that rely on you, and you are letting them down, but most of all, you are letting yourself down.

Sorry, I got sidetracked.

To my sisters, I want you to know how proud I am to be your brother. I have watched you both grow into fantastic women, wives and mothers. I also want you to know that I am sorry if I was a bitter asshole before I met my true love. I’m still an opinionated blowhard, but I hope I’ve softened enough that I’m not unpleasant to be around. You need to know that you are both on my mind daily, and if I don’t call you often enough, it’s because I know that you each have someone that I wholeheartedly trust with your well being. I know that your husbands put your needs and wants before their own, and they would never let anything happen to you or those kids, while they still have life. They love you like Mom loves you. Like I love you. Except the whole sex part, that’s a bit different, but the love part, that’s the same. I’m going to go wipe my vagina now.

Holy shit, that dinner was good last night, wasn’t it? I can’t figure out why we don’t do that more often? Puffball soup, my mind is still blown.

No sign off line today,

Birdman

P.S. Did you notice how I messed with your mind there? No sign off line is the sign off line. I’m so damn clever.

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Oct 22

An Entertaining Sideshow

(Birdman’s note: I read this entry on a friends Facebook status and asked if I could put it up as a guest blog post. It hit home with me, and  I found it to be very well written, as I find all of her posts, and I hope she will grace our pages again)

With regards to the peaceful protests, demonstrations, rallies and occupations taking place globally, the misinformed continue to be ignorant, just as they have sat back and not questioned the conduct of leadership, the large banks and the media.

Many of these people DO have jobs or are going to school, or a have a so called “LIFE”. Many people around the globe are stopping their “LIFE” to be out here and bring attention to the deeply rooted corruption in the economic and political realms of our world. Many don’t hate big business or banks. They want our “Leaders” and the Media to stop helping and protecting the 1% who are allowed to steal. Democracy demands that the will of the majority is served.

The simple principles embodied in Democracy shouldn’t be difficult to follow. If elected representatives back pedal on promises, fail to carry out the wishes of the majority then it is WE that must accept the responsibility for the failure of democracy. There is no use trying to avoid responsibility for failure. In instances where a government continues to oppose the will of the majority, thinking they can easily betray the people, then the failure of democracy is the result of us failing. WE are responsible for any breakdown in democracy. It is always our responsibility to make sure that our will is being served at all times. If a population only exercises democratic rights at election time, this enables self-serving “Leadership” to actively pursue their own will or that of a corrupt minority. If we are not willing to speak up, we deserve everything we get.

That’s exactly why these protesters are in our own Spirit Square and other locations globally.

We all hope to benefit from a revolution leading to a new model of society that doesn’t involve a few ‘takers’ sucking up all the resources they can while the 99% are left to suffer and clean up the global, and environmental messes the unchecked and untaxed 1% have made.

So called “jobs” being created are not real jobs. They are “make-busy” activities that rely on moving worthless paper and diluting the value of others’ honest and constructive labor. Since when has it become necessary to sustain a class of parasitical overpaid royalty in order to exchange goods and services amongst us? They are not essential to such transactions and they certainly aren’t entitled to suck the life out of the economy as they do. Many politicians, bankers and media staff would be of more utility filling a pothole in the road or fixing a dilapidated home than trying to manipulate the 99%.

Jody Tippett

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Oct 21

Last night was tough

When I got home last night, it was around 7:30 and I was hungry and tired. My sweet baby made me some damn fine soup that she learned about from a friend, and she spit fired a chicken in the backyard, so that I could have a nice, hot chicken on a kaiser with it. I was thinking about how lucky I was, when the phone rang and Mrs. Birdman had to speak with a client. The girls bedroom door then opened, with two bored little girls holding a handful of tattoo markers. So, seeing as their mom was on the phone, I allowed them to give me some new ink. They actually did a pretty good job for little kids. Awww, who am I kidding? They did a better job than I could have done, I totally suck at art.

Look out, Kat Von D...she's gunning for your job

We decided that it was time to tell them that I was going away for a while. Not because we were just waiting for the right time, but I guess it just never came up before. It is two weeks away now, so I guess it might have been a little late, but what do you do? There was a lot of asking “Why?” and  tears welling up in the eyes, but that was just from me. T didn’t think it was fair that I was going to be gone for Christmas, and when I told her that I was coming back for the holidays, her eyes dried and brightened up and she said, “Are you going to bring us something?” That brought me back from the edge, and we all had a laugh and some hugs. After that we went out in the rain and lit a bonfire, and we roasted wieners and s’mores, while telling ghost stories and reliving the past ten months together. Ten months. It seems like we’ve been together far longer than that. I have a hard time remembering when I wasn’t looking out for them, or fixing something up, like the luge track down the snowplow pile, which had been dug out into a fort.

I explained to them that I don’t like leaving for work before they wake up, and coming home when they are in bed, or getting ready for bed. I told them that I want to eat breakfast and supper with them, and that if I go out for the winter, it will afford us the option for me to look for a better job with better hours. A job that I can be happy at. Can you imagine? I know some of you can, I’m living with one. I actually feel pretty selfish about wanting that for myself, partly because I don’t think that I deserve it more than anyone else, but mostly because it’s me that wants to be here with them. I didn’t once ask if they would like me to be here more. Maybe they are quite happy with me showing up for an hour or two each day, and every other weekend we’ll maybe do something fun. I guess it is selfish, but I don’t even care. I hate when they are already in bed when I get home, and I know I won’t get to see them until the next night, if I get done early enough.

I always think about when I was a little kid, and my dad would go out for a few beer after work, and he’d come into our rooms and wake us up to say he loved us. I never cared that he woke me up, I liked seeing him, but he was my father, and that kind of thing is acceptable when you’re a dad. It seems a bit creepy if a step-dad is doing that, no matter how innocent. It’s too bad that the world has come to that really, but I totally understand. I’ve taken the girls out on several occasions, and I’m scared shitless. I am constantly watching everyone that goes near them, looks their way or breathes upwind of them. It totally freaks me out, because you never know who is lurking, or where. I know the odds are slim, but every other parent that has had a child snatched has probably said the same thing. I think it’s worse if they aren’t your children, because then there are two or more people that can’t live with themselves.

What a fucked up world we live in. I remember being a kid, and the whole community looked out for the kids there. We were told what houses to stay away from, and who we weren’t to talk to. If we did what we were told, nothing bad would happen. I rarely did what I was told, and when I would get home, my parents knew where I had been, who I was with and what I did. I was usually sneaking a smoke that we stole from Bugsy’s parents or maybe shooting bottle rockets at the ducks with Joe. It didn’t matter, I would get spotted, and promptly ratted out. I’m glad I got caught, because that meant there were people all over the place that cared about me, and I have no doubt that if any harm was befalling me, those same people that were telling on me, would be right there helping me.

So thank you Wally Young, Shorty Sandercock, Clara Drope, Nancy Houston, and the countless other people who gave a shit about what happened to me. Even though most of you are gone, you are not forgotten. I don’t know if there is a saying about community shaping the children, but there should be. Someone make it up, so I don’t have to. Ah, what the hell, I’ll try a few. “A person is only as good as the community that they grew up in.” or, “A person with no community, is not a person, they are a fucking savage.” Maybe I’ll leave the quote making up to the professionals. Anyhow, I loved where I grew up, I loved how I was raised, and I love who I’ve become. I guess it doesn’t get any better than that, does it? Oh, maybe a good job to come back to, but whatever, I’ll make out okay, I always do.

Give a kid shit tomorrow,

Birdman

P.S. The cooking the chicken in the backyard, and the bonfire thing might be bullshit.

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