Nov 07

One complete week of Movember

First off, I’d like to thank Kim Kazda of Fort St. John, BC, my sister Shelley of no fixed address and my sweet baby for their generous donations. I really do appreciate every last donation, because I know you don’t have to do it. There are a shitload of things that you could spend that money on, and you chose to donate it to Movember; for that I thank you. Now, for all of you that haven’t donated, you must get up, go to a mirror, and slap yourself repeatedly. Now go

HERE

and donate to a very good cause. No, not my moustache, silly goose, to help the smart people fight men’s cancer. It’s not that I only want men to survive, but why should women get to hog all of the cancer fundraising? I understand that women have some extra parts that can be affected, but we want to feel like we’re doing something as well. The problem is that balls are ugly, and boobs are beautiful, but we need the balls to make more children, and boobs would be useless if balls couldn’t do their job. Well, I guess boobs will never be useless, but you know what I mean. Here’s my lip today, please don’t tease me.

God, that's a handsome lip

These folks know how your money needs to be spent, so let’s all band together and gently stroke kick ass cancer’s ass.

These boots were made for walking,

Birdman

 

Nov 07

Trying a new thing here, if Mrs. Birdman complies

I want to have an argument with the old lady on the blog, but I’m not sure if she will go for it. I think that calling her the old lady will probably fire her up enough to do it right.

My thing is this, I like to have adventures, and she thinks that adventures mean brushes with death. I say that an adventure can just be going for a walk in a park that you’ve never been to.

Mrs. B:  Well that would be true if you were like an average fellow, who walked through the park at high noon, perhaps with a lovely non-shedding dog along with you.  However, you are more the ‘adventure seeking’ type, who sneaks into the park, ninja-style, at 11pm all dressed in black, and seems surprised when you get jumped by a gang of pimply-faced teens looking for their next bottle of Sailor Jerry.  I’m just saying that trouble follows you because you call it up and invite it out for the ‘adventure’.

Birdman: That is mostly untrue. Anytime I put on my ninja gear, there is a job to do, and I do my job well. The gang of teens deserved what they got. The point I was making was that I hoped for some adventures this winter, and you jumped to the conclusion that I might harm myself. I will be completely safe while working this winter, they have rules to ensure this.

May I remind you of the stories you have told me, of going through the ice in minus three hundred degree weather?  (Maybe I am exaggerating on the exact temperature, but it was cold).  Or how about the time when you laid on the ice under the truck trying to fix some stupid thing while your core temperature dropped lower and lower?  Because apparently you were not clever enough to realize that laying on ice is a bad idea when it’s colder than a witches tit out?  Also, you have regaled me with stories of your near death experiences.  I say ‘experiences’ rather than experience because there are SO MANY.  You are not a man who pays attention to detail.  You forget shit.  Is it so hard to believe that I might not trust you when you say: “Trust me, Baby…it’s totally safe!”  *angry face*

Holy shit, you really remember a lot of things. When I was laying on the ice, it wasn’t an adventure, I needed to get the truck moving again. It was1:30 AM, -40C and the airlines had broke. I wasn’t out there thinking it was a fun time and all the cool things happen to me. I’m sure glad I didn’t tell you about the time… never mind. Anyhow, those are just things that happened, and we don’t work alone in the bush anymore. There is a buddy system, and we have to check in every hour. Totally safe, trust me. By the way, you looked really pretty today in your ponytail.

Thank you for mentioning the pony tail.  🙂  I know you are only trying to soften my VERY LEGITIMATE CONCERNS with your cunning flattery.  Did you like the vest I wore too?  I wasn’t sure.  Maybe it was a bit too puffy…?

That wasn’t flattery, baby. You know I love your hair back, and you looked really urban chic in your puffy vest. I was worried that your torso was going to overheat as your arms froze, but you seem to be okay now. I’ll never understand vests, because they don’t make any sense to me. Is it okay if I go on some safe adventures that don’t seem life threatening? I promise that if I think something is going to kill me, I’ll stop immediately.

Okay Baby.  I love you.  *big stupid smile* But please do exercise all caution and come back to me as soon as you can.  I will miss you more than you can imagine.  xo 🙂

Oh, I can imagine it. I think you know that. Is this the end of the debate? Shit, I need a little over 300 more words. Okay, I guess I can tell you that I’m growing my hair into a ponytail and calling myself Dack when I get back in the spring. I will probably end up addicted to coke as well.

We will talk.  Do not in anyway consider the preceding 3 words as an endorsement of the above. 

I am agreeing that the debate is done.  I was victorious in asserting that you have a terrible habit of almost dying, and you are victorious in getting me to concede that you probably won’t kick it this winter.  I love you baby, and although I wish you weren’t going, I am fully prepared to spend all of the money you are bringing home.   Now give Mama some sugar…it’s cocoon time.  *wink*

Okay, I guess I am going to fuck these fine people out of 150 words or so, but they were probably going to be jibberish anyhow, and cocooning trumps all.

Hey hey mama said the way you move, gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove,

Birdman

Nov 06

I almost forgot that it’s Movember 6th

I love Movember, but I sure don’t love how hard this ‘stashe is to keep up. You may have noticed that it’s a bit smaller than yesterday. That would be because I keep thinking one side is slightly longer than the other. Well, now it is. I gave up, I need to use a straight razor or a Bowie knife to shave with. Anyway, here’s what we’re looking at now. Still pretty poor, if you ask me.

I picked the scab on my nose, because I thought it was ready. It wasn't, and quit shaking your head at me. It's not like you have never done that.

 

 

Oh yeah, thanks to Jackie-Anne for being the 100th person to like our Facebook page. I still think we should be at 1000, because we are just that cool, but whatever. I’m going back to the cocoon to cry tears of self-doubt.

I’ve got two tickets to paradise,

Birdman

 

Nov 06

Wheels is on board

Looks like we’ll be heading out on Friday, and with both of us driving, we’ll get there probably by Sunday night. Hopefully we’ll be in camp by Monday, because no one likes spending their own cash on hotel rooms and food, although Mr. Mikes is beckoning to me. This should be an adventure, because I haven’t spent any amount of time with my old pal since the 90’s, so he probably doesn’t know about my IBS and lactose intolerance. It wouldn’t be bad with the lactose intolerance, except for the fact that we are going right past the Thornloe Cheese Factory, and they have the best curd in all the land.

I also get to stop in and see my friend Jenny and her dogs in Haileybury. I never get to visit my northern friends anymore, because they are about six hours away, and I never have enough time. That kind of bites ass, because I made a lot of friends while I was there, and I wouldn’t mind stopping in for a beer with them every so often. Unfortunately, we won’t have a lot of time for visiting on our way through, but hopefully on the way home I’ll get a chance. I really miss Northern Ontario sometimes, with their cheap farmland, beautiful landscapes, and some of the finest people on the planet. I would like to spend a vacation up there one summer, or maybe fall because we all know how I hate the Jesus blackflies.

We’ve been cocooning since we came back from my sister’s last night. We love impromptu dinner invitations as we’re shopping for what to eat, it completely makes our day, on account of we don’t have to make anything. I maybe ate too much, but there was slow cooked roast beef, pork chops, taters, veggies, rolls and delicious cheesecake. It was all so good, and I made a glutton of myself, as I’ve been doing a lot as of late. I’ve really been packing the weight on over the last month, and I’m not sure why. I guess it could be a mini depression or something, but whatever it is, it had better smarten the fuck up by spring. I need to have my bikini body by then for whatever trip we go on.

I need to get out of this funk, and realize that I don’t want to spend another day driving into the city in a truck.(thanks, baby) The only way to change that, is to just change it. No more taking the first job that comes along, I need to knuckle down and focus on what I want, not what I can do relatively well. I am quite confident that I’ll be good at whatever I put my mind to, as long as I enjoy it, and it interests me, and I’ll also be a lot better off by doing something that stimulates my noodle and gets me thinking. I don’t know anymore, I just know that the way I’ve been doing it hasn’t been working out so far. My problem has always been that I have always been afraid of not getting a job, so as soon as one is offered I jump all over it. Then I don’t look for a better job, because I have one, and either don’t have the time or the energy. I imagine that there are a lot of folks in the same boat, and I really feel for them.

What happened to the old days where people took up a trade or career, not because that was all that was available, but because that was what interested them? I guess that the globalization of the economy had something to do with it. I don’t understand the appeal of having global trade, when everything we buy is coming from countries that are working so cheap that shipping is less expensive than having something produced here. We have people here, that can make sweatshirts, phones, tables etc…, why do we need to ship our resources abroad to have the finished product sent back at a hugely inflated price. I keep thinking about how we’ve been trained to accept this as the norm, when, even thirty years ago, there were all kinds of jobs for anyone who wanted to work. It scares the shit out of me, that a few people can have that much power, and we gave it to them. We have people camped out in parks, protesting, stinking and dying for a cause that we’ve allowed to get so far out of control, that they feel that it’s the only viable option. They are out there in their Bangladeshi made ponchos, Taiwanese shoes and sleeping in their Chinese tents and sleeping bags, while fighting the people that they bought the shit from.

I don’t agree with the Occupy wherever you are movement, because we live in a capitalist society, but I do agree that something has to be done, and these people are only doing what they feel is right, or they are jumping on a bandwagon with no direction. Either way, it isn’t going to help. The people that they are protesting own everything. If you want to fight against them, everyone needs to chip in and buy some cheap land in the boonies, and start a commune. That way you can actually do something productive, while living in your tents. Grow your own food, harvest your own wool, make your own way, without giving these people the money that you seem to want to keep so desperately. You can do it, as long as you sell enough of your hippy arts and crafts to pay your taxes that is. Hopefully you don’t need to go to the hospital though, that’s a long way to ride horseback or walk when you’re sick, and if you are denouncing the commercialist society, you surely won’t have a car.

Fact of the matter is, you need their products right now, but you can wean yourself off of the shit that they produce, and when their bottom line starts to get smaller, maybe they will start to change the way they do business. I doubt it, but you never know. Maybe when the government refuses to bail them out once again, and makes them responsible for their own actions, maybe then something will happen. Until then, I’ll head west to help them rape the land, by getting their rigs into their leases with a big, diesel water truck and a dream of something better.

Have a great depression,

Birdman

P.S. The reason this post is so late, is because we stayed in bed until after 2 PM. Don’t hate us because we’re slovenly.

Nov 05

Saturday, Movember 5th, whatever shall I write about today

You may have figured out that I get lazy on the weekends, yes even lazier than usual, so I don’t really care about having something written, or even thought about the day before. I guess I can write about Tim Minchin and David Allan Coe for a little bit. Tim Minchin is a comedian, pianist and songwriter that we found out about while cocooning last night. One of Mrs. Birdman’s FB friends had posted a video of his, and then we just needed more. I guess we watched half a dozen of them and five of them were hilarious. His songwriting style is very unique and clever, which makes the comedy aspect even wittier. I am constantly amazed at the talent some people possess. It’s one thing to be very funny, smart and clever, which often go hand in hand, but to add in the ability to turn that into a song, and play the piano so well just boggles my mind. He has impeccable timing and delivery and makes it a joy to watch. If any of you like funny shit, I recommend you check him out on Youtube. For those of you who are apathetic, and can’t be bothered to go to all that trouble, here is a link to a couple videos you can watch.

Or this one

 

As you can see, he’s a very talented dude, and I hope North America will be all over his shit soon. Maybe they already are, but I haven’t seen anyone posting on Facebook until last night, so quit keeping this shit to yourselves if you already know about it. On the other hand, if there is someone you think is very funny, but hasn’t hit the mainstream, let us know about it. We like to laugh, and we can let another 25-30 people know about it. Now onto our next paragraph and subject.

David Allan Coe is a despicable piece of dogshit, and I know this. He is also one of the most talented singer/songwriters I know of. I really wish he wasn’t, and I know he had a hard life when he was young, and has fought society every step of the way, but I still can’t get by the complete lack of couth this guy has. That being said, I’m not trying to glorify or condone his antics, beliefs or way of life, I find them all disgusting and ignorant. I’m just in awe of the way talent is distributed. It doesn’t matter if you are born rich or poor, liberal or conservative, black or white, it just happens to some people. I am going to put up a couple of my favourite DAC songs for you to enjoy. After they are done, if you don’t already know about him, do some research on the internet and find out about his upbringing, deviations, and general absence of respect for anyone. I wonder why this guy is still alive, let alone sitting on a multitude of hit songs that have been covered by so many different artists over the years. I should mention that there is some use of the “N” word in these songs, and I don’t approve of that, but the song was written in a different time and place, and I don’t think it takes away from the quality of the songwriting.

and

As you can see, whether you like country or not, he has been given, or cultivated a great talent, especially for the upbringing that he had. I’d like to think that the shit he pulls, and his attitude is a show to get publicity, but I’m pretty sure he’s just a redneck, and is quite happy in that role.

Oh right, Movember 5th

Nice 'stache. NOT. (This comment is courtesy of Mrs. B)

and a closer look:

Someone needs to google 'Barbershop Tutorials'

 
If you didn’t already guess it, Mrs. Birdman was in charge of the Movember part of today’s post. She also thought you all should know about Tim Minchin, so thank her heartily the next time you see her.

I almost forgot, CLICK HERE

I have loved you like a baby,

Birdman