Old Tweeters From Smarty

You realize that this means there will be some offensive shit in here, right? Just making sure you know.

I was looking at the Twitter today, and noticed that the old Smarty account had been hacked. Then I realized that I don’t even remember what email or password I used back then. I guess huffing all of that WD-40 wasn’t as good of an idea as I had thought.
You can say what you want about huffing, but it led to the invention of these tweets, so take that with a grain of salt, you can also take a shot of tequila with a grain of salt, but I recommend that you don’t snort it.
Now, here we go with the first batch of twits, tweeters, or tweets (whatever you call them)
  • I like the term “disturbing sex assault”. What’s a non disturbing sex assault like? Does it involve kissing and foreplay?
  • I wonder if Tim Hortons formulates their breakfast sandwiches to produce explosive farts, or if they just lucked out on it.
  • Sometimes when I’m tired, I seem very angry. It’s because I am.
  • Some days, I wish Chad Kroeger would soothe his raspy throat with a load of semen. Then choke on it. Soulless bastard.
  • Is [easyazon_link identifier=”B006MOPOFO” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]Patio Lanterns[/easyazon_link] a slow song, or a fast song? Damn you [easyazon_link identifier=”B000065IE5″ locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]Kim Mitchell[/easyazon_link], for adding to my teen angst.
  • How many people have had sex with a bag lady in a fridge box? Really? Just me? Wow, I would have thought Ferg had for sure.
  • They’re coming home as you are waking up, easier for them to make you breakfast and chop you up a line#reasonslotlizardsmakegoodgirlfriends

Just why the fuck not? How else are you going to get a $20 blow job in a truckstop?

 

Hi, I’m Hep C, and this is my friend Chlamydia. You looking for some company? We gots a needle.

 

  • Sometimes the waitress feels pity and sends her home with a couple [easyazon_link identifier=”B007M5PITO” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]hot turkey sandwiches[/easyazon_link]. Mmmmm turkey#reasonslotlizardsmakegoodgirlfriends
  • I really hope my night involves [easyazon_link identifier=”B001MRL9SW” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]quail eggs[/easyazon_link], [easyazon_link identifier=”B007E62538″ locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]vaseline[/easyazon_link] and a gibbon.
  • I have cat like reflexes and the strength of a team of oxen. You would think I’d be better in bed than I am.
  • I have more estrogen in my little finger than most women in their whole body, and the song “[easyazon_link identifier=”B000002RB0″ locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]Sometimes When We Touch[/easyazon_link]” makes me gag
  • I got me a big load of semen, and I’m heading home. Some lucky filly is getting herself bred tonight.
  • And for my next trick I’ll need an open minded, elderly woman, a [easyazon_link identifier=”B00LF3P0HO” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]silk shirt[/easyazon_link] and [easyazon_link identifier=”B00B04AKTQ” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]six links of pork breakfast sausage[/easyazon_link].
  • The next time I have drug testing, I’m eating a [easyazon_link identifier=”B00C2VBP6S” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]pound of beets[/easyazon_link] and a [easyazon_link identifier=”B00E5OO63E” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]pound of asparagus[/easyazon_link]. Take that you fascist bastards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • You know you’re having a good poop when your back cracks like a chiropractic adjustment
  • I’m always amazed at the speed in which my body can get rid of delicious food and drink.
  • Only in Canada would a G20 security threat include a [easyazon_link identifier=”B004D9IZBU” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]hatchet[/easyazon_link], a [easyazon_link identifier=”B00NZ8O1AY” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]crossbow[/easyazon_link] and a [easyazon_link identifier=”B0052EL9YU” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]chainsaw[/easyazon_link]. Oh yeah, there were several cans of gas.
  • Has anyone ever been fooled by [easyazon_link identifier=”B00K7VFROG” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]mock chicken loaf[/easyazon_link]? I want to meet the initial test group that named it.
  • I would eat a child to survive. Whoa, relax, I didn’t say it would be your child.
  • Way to go Flying J, you have figured out another way to kill truckers. [easyazon_link identifier=”B006IMBHVU” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]Cheap energy drinks[/easyazon_link] and BBQ meatball and bacon kabobs.
  • If I ever get forced into man sex at knife point, I want you to stop believing in god.Because, what the hell did I do, to deserve that shit?
  • Raise your hand if you’ve ever blown a carnie for free rides on the [easyazon_link identifier=”B00GN7IR68″ locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]Gravitron[/easyazon_link]. Come on Ferg, you’re not fooling anyone.
  • Anyone else find [easyazon_link identifier=”B003VIQGMY” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]Mokey Fraggle[/easyazon_link] extremely doable?
  • The beer in Quebec is super cheap, but gas is 15 cents/litre more. Seems like a good way to fight drinking and driving to me.
  • I don’t think I’d like auto erotic asphyxiation. I have a fear of ejaculation.
  • If I ever go to prison, I hope I’m tougher than I am now.
  • I’d probably be a much harder worker, if I was Amish.
  • What to dream of tonight? I hope it involves the cast of the [easyazon_link identifier=”B002N8WLYK” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]Golden Girls[/easyazon_link], an [easyazon_link identifier=”B000L8EEPS” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]inflatable pool[/easyazon_link] and a [easyazon_link identifier=”B005M9VYZY” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]gallon of extra-virgin olive oil[/easyazon_link].
  • I spilled semen on the ground about a week ago and now there is an [easyazon_link identifier=”B01DPSFL84″ locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]apple tree[/easyazon_link] growing there. Might explain why chicks don’t stick around.
  • I’m sweating worse than [easyazon_link identifier=”B001EBV0L2″ locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]Mel Gibson[/easyazon_link] at an NAACP rally.
  • I think I’ll search out an [easyazon_link identifier=”B014X25GE0″ locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]opium den[/easyazon_link] tonight. That should help beat the heat, maybe the [easyazon_link identifier=”B0110ZIMRQ” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]diarrhoea[/easyazon_link] as well.
  • As I look around this room, I wonder how many of these people want to rape & murder me. I hope it’s not the big guy, he looks pretty crazy.

When my eyes can focus better, I’ll put some more up. The doc says that once the bleach gets out of my system, I should be right as rain. I hope he didn’t mean acid rain, but if he did… hey, free acid.

[easyazon_link identifier=”B00O42LYR8″ locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]I’m the Gypsy – the acid queen, pay before we start[/easyazon_link],

Smarty

Google+ Comments

4 thoughts on “Old Tweeters From Smarty

    • Yeah, it was hacked, so I’m just copying them all onto here to preserve them. It’s tweeting spam shit from somewhere.

    • Thanks, man. I have hundreds more, but since I have been blogging, I don’t have the tweetness in me. I just want to save these ones, and then I’ll have them until I accidentally wipe out my blog files.

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