I was looking at the Twitter today, and noticed that the old Smarty account had been hacked. Then I realized that I don’t even remember what email or password I used back then. I guess huffing all of that WD-40 wasn’t as good of an idea as I had thought.
You can say what you want about huffing, but it led to the invention of these tweets, so take that with a grain of salt, you can also take a shot of tequila with a grain of salt, but I recommend that you don’t snort it.
Now, here we go with the first batch of twits, tweeters, or tweets (whatever you call them)
- I like the term “disturbing sex assault”. What’s a non disturbing sex assault like? Does it involve kissing and foreplay?
- I wonder if Tim Hortons formulates their breakfast sandwiches to produce explosive farts, or if they just lucked out on it.
- Sometimes when I’m tired, I seem very angry. It’s because I am.
- Some days, I wish Chad Kroeger would soothe his raspy throat with a load of semen. Then choke on it. Soulless bastard.
- Is Patio Lanterns a slow song, or a fast song? Damn you Kim Mitchell, for adding to my teen angst.
- How many people have had sex with a bag lady in a fridge box? Really? Just me? Wow, I would have thought Ferg had for sure.
- They’re coming home as you are waking up, easier for them to make you breakfast and chop you up a line
- They are always working at night, giving you the bed to yourself.
- Sometimes truckers pay with duty free smokes and liquor. That’s a win-win situation right there.
- Sometimes she gets busted, and spends a few days in the can, perfect time to get her sister over.
- After a long, hard night she’s pretty sore, and will probably want unconventional sex from you.
- Three words- ten dollar blowjobs
- One of her colleagues might stop by, and out of habit ask you if you need a little company.
- The meth has probably taken care of any pesky teeth, so dental bills are nonexistent.
- Sometimes the waitress feels pity and sends her home with a couple hot turkey sandwiches. Mmmmm turkey
- I really hope my night involves quail eggs, vaseline and a gibbon.
- I have cat like reflexes and the strength of a team of oxen. You would think I’d be better in bed than I am.
- I have more estrogen in my little finger than most women in their whole body, and the song “Sometimes When We Touch” makes me gag
- I got me a big load of semen, and I’m heading home. Some lucky filly is getting herself bred tonight.
- And for my next trick I’ll need an open minded, elderly woman, a silk shirt and six links of pork breakfast sausage.
- The next time I have drug testing, I’m eating a pound of beets and a pound of asparagus. Take that you fascist bastards.
- You know you’re having a good poop when your back cracks like a chiropractic adjustment
- I’m always amazed at the speed in which my body can get rid of delicious food and drink.
- Only in Canada would a G20 security threat include a hatchet, a crossbow and a chainsaw. Oh yeah, there were several cans of gas.
- Has anyone ever been fooled by mock chicken loaf? I want to meet the initial test group that named it.
- I would eat a child to survive. Whoa, relax, I didn’t say it would be your child.
- Way to go Flying J, you have figured out another way to kill truckers. Cheap energy drinks and BBQ meatball and bacon kabobs.
- If I ever get forced into man sex at knife point, I want you to stop believing in god.Because, what the hell did I do, to deserve that shit?
- Raise your hand if you’ve ever blown a carnie for free rides on the Gravitron. Come on Ferg, you’re not fooling anyone.
- Anyone else find Mokey Fraggle extremely doable?
- The beer in Quebec is super cheap, but gas is 15 cents/litre more. Seems like a good way to fight drinking and driving to me.
- I don’t think I’d like auto erotic asphyxiation. I have a fear of ejaculation.
- If I ever go to prison, I hope I’m tougher than I am now.
- I’d probably be a much harder worker, if I was Amish.
- What to dream of tonight? I hope it involves the cast of the Golden Girls, an inflatable pool and a gallon of extra-virgin olive oil.
- I spilled semen on the ground about a week ago and now there is an apple tree growing there. Might explain why chicks don’t stick around.
- I’m sweating worse than Mel Gibson at an NAACP rally.
- I think I’ll search out an opium den tonight. That should help beat the heat, maybe the diarrhoea as well.
- As I look around this room, I wonder how many of these people want to rape & murder me. I hope it’s not the big guy, he looks pretty crazy.
When my eyes can focus better, I’ll put some more up. The doc says that once the bleach gets out of my system, I should be right as rain. I hope he didn’t mean acid rain, but if he did… hey, free acid.