Old Tweeters From Smarty #2

  • Let’s do some math, equate a x 2 where a is equal to me poking your eye out. The answer is you are blind.
  • Ladies, if you’re having sex with me, there is no need to point out how small my organ is. I already know, I see it every day 🙁
  • Oh Taco Bell, it’s been so long. I hope you stay inside me until I get home. I hate dumping in a public toilet.
  • Don’t know what’s in Gold Bond, and I don’t care. Anything that can give such a sweet,soothing burn to my septic, rancid crotch is ok by me.
  • I think I’ve lost my ability to cry during sad movies. This is good because it will prevent people from rubbing my vagina in the theatre.
  • Sometimes I think I’d like to break into mainstream porn, then I remember Ron Jeremy cornered the fat, hairy guy market, and I have no dick.
  • If I ever end up going to prison, I’m going to watch tons of gay porn. When you’re as small as me, you need to be a specialist in something
  • If I ever have to survive in the wild, I hope there are pigs there. If I have to eat bits of my own shit, I’d like them bacon wrapped.
  • When I die, I hope it’s protecting a case of cheese cakes from a band of rowdy vagabonds.
  • When all is said and done, I will still be lubing up and enjoying my own company, mostly because women find me repulsive.
  • I really would fuck a rock pile if I thought there was a snake in it.
  • I would also fuck a snake if you would hold it for me.
  • Can a leper slip’n’slide on dry linoleum? If so, I don’t feel bad for them anymore. #lepersarecool
  • I was once forced to kiss the pope’s ring. By pope, I mean priest, and by ring I mean scrotum.
  • If I have a choice between shitting, and getting off the pot, I will choose shitting almost every time.
  • Sometimes, when I’m feeling blue, I like to pick myself up by piercing kittens ears and putting big gold hoops in. Very pretty
  • I think, out of all of the birds of prey that I’ve eaten, the condor was the most tender.
  • If I get my legs chopped off in an accident, I want to get one of those skateboard things that the homeless vets have. They’re fucking cool.
  • I think it should be law that Taco Bell have at least 2 ply toilet paper in their washrooms, and they should throw some in with each meal.
  • 7 days is too long to have a festering sore on ones rectum. I hope Uncle Ron gets in to see about that.
  • If I had to kill one of the 7 dwarves to make an example, I’d kill Happy. Now who’s gonna lift your spirits? Stupid dwarves.
  • If you had to have sex with someone from Barney Miller, who would it be? I’d pick Fish because it’s Sal Tessio for fuck sake, and he’s hot.
  • I’ve often wondered how much you need to drink to be cum drunk, and does it matter what kind of semen you drink?
  • It’s amazing how seamlessly you can introduce a goat into your morning sex, when you put your mind to it
  • As tasty as a wholegrain blueberry muffin is, they aren’t always a good choice when you have to drive all day. #notenoughtoilets
  • Always check for anal fissures before inserting segmented citrus fruits in your rectum
  • The good thing about dating the elderly is the accessibility of fibre and getting the proper amount of sleep.
  • I will gladly blow you Tuesday, for a cheeseburger today.
  • I hope someday, that my skin tags will fight each other in a turf war for the good parts of my body. Right now it’s just for the armpits.
  • I once leg wrestled Tatum O’Neal for a bag of weed and 3 condoms.
  • I think to truly appreciate your life, you need to live for a week with a rummy. Not me, some other rummy, I’m busy collecting cans.
  • You know it was a good fart when you drop an inch in your waist size.
  • To the man using the washroom after me at the Port Hope Tim Horton’s; I’m so fucking sorry dude. I ate chocolate for breakfast.
  • A fun game to play is – Guess what meat is in the coffee truck sandwich. My guess on the Italian meatball? Italian male 50-70 years old.
  • I think I’m bunged up. The turd that’s been rolling around in my shorts since Friday hasn’t broke down at all.
  • Sometimes I get bored. Now I have to try and figure out how to remove a sideways pencil eraser from my nostril.
  • Sometimes, when I’m lonely, I like to draw a face on my goiter and pretend it’s my friend. Her name is Mary and she’s a prostitute.
  • #neveragain will I fall for the holy piccolo trick again. I hate you Father O’Leary
  • #neveragain will I snort Borax and mouse shit
  • When it comes to sexual intercourse, I’d like to think I’m a porn star. Unfortunately, I’m more like a grade 10 band nerd.
  • #neveragain will I put a forked metal rod in my urethra and attach a car battery to it. That smarts
  • If I won the lottery, I’d travel the 3rd world countries reversing the work of missionaries. Stupid missionaries.
  • I’m getting @DavidHasselhoff drunk at some point this weekend.
  • I’m bored, I think I need to bang a hippie or something.
  • Well, I got my nuts and ass all washed up. Which lucky escort service will be the recipient of my phone call at midnight?

There’s another lazy post. I sure hope you all enjoy it over the weekend. You know, because you have nothing better to do.

Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your booty, shake your booty,

Birdman

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5 thoughts on “Old Tweeters From Smarty #2

  1. I understand that these are tweets from Smarty. But, I really want to know how many of these are REALLY from you. And to answer your question about being cum drunk. You’ve got to drink 2 cups and the best semen is from an elk. So, I’ve heard.

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