- Let’s do some math, equate a x 2 where a is equal to me poking your eye out. The answer is you are blind.
- Ladies, if you’re having sex with me, there is no need to point out how small my organ is. I already know, I see it every day 🙁
- Oh Taco Bell, it’s been so long. I hope you stay inside me until I get home. I hate dumping in a public toilet.
- Don’t know what’s in Gold Bond, and I don’t care. Anything that can give such a sweet,soothing burn to my septic, rancid crotch is ok by me.
- I think I’ve lost my ability to cry during sad movies. This is good because it will prevent people from rubbing my vagina in the theatre.
- Sometimes I think I’d like to break into mainstream porn, then I remember Ron Jeremy cornered the fat, hairy guy market, and I have no dick.
- If I ever end up going to prison, I’m going to watch tons of gay porn. When you’re as small as me, you need to be a specialist in something
- If I ever have to survive in the wild, I hope there are pigs there. If I have to eat bits of my own shit, I’d like them bacon wrapped.
- When I die, I hope it’s protecting a case of cheese cakes from a band of rowdy vagabonds.
- When all is said and done, I will still be lubing up and enjoying my own company, mostly because women find me repulsive.
- I really would fuck a rock pile if I thought there was a snake in it.
- I would also fuck a snake if you would hold it for me.
- Can a leper slip’n’slide on dry linoleum? If so, I don’t feel bad for them anymore.
- I was once forced to kiss the pope’s ring. By pope, I mean priest, and by ring I mean scrotum.
- If I have a choice between shitting, and getting off the pot, I will choose shitting almost every time.
- Sometimes, when I’m feeling blue, I like to pick myself up by piercing kittens ears and putting big gold hoops in. Very pretty
- I think, out of all of the birds of prey that I’ve eaten, the condor was the most tender.
- If I get my legs chopped off in an accident, I want to get one of those skateboard things that the homeless vets have. They’re fucking cool.
- I think it should be law that Taco Bell have at least 2 ply toilet paper in their washrooms, and they should throw some in with each meal.
- 7 days is too long to have a festering sore on ones rectum. I hope Uncle Ron gets in to see about that.
- If I had to kill one of the 7 dwarves to make an example, I’d kill Happy. Now who’s gonna lift your spirits? Stupid dwarves.
- If you had to have sex with someone from Barney Miller, who would it be? I’d pick Fish because it’s Sal Tessio for fuck sake, and he’s hot.
- I’ve often wondered how much you need to drink to be cum drunk, and does it matter what kind of semen you drink?
- It’s amazing how seamlessly you can introduce a goat into your morning sex, when you put your mind to it
- As tasty as a wholegrain blueberry muffin is, they aren’t always a good choice when you have to drive all day.
- Always check for anal fissures before inserting segmented citrus fruits in your rectum
- The good thing about dating the elderly is the accessibility of fibre and getting the proper amount of sleep.
- I will gladly blow you Tuesday, for a cheeseburger today.
- I hope someday, that my skin tags will fight each other in a turf war for the good parts of my body. Right now it’s just for the armpits.
- I once leg wrestled Tatum O’Neal for a bag of weed and 3 condoms.
- I think to truly appreciate your life, you need to live for a week with a rummy. Not me, some other rummy, I’m busy collecting cans.
- You know it was a good fart when you drop an inch in your waist size.
- To the man using the washroom after me at the Port Hope Tim Horton’s; I’m so fucking sorry dude. I ate chocolate for breakfast.
- A fun game to play is – Guess what meat is in the coffee truck sandwich. My guess on the Italian meatball? Italian male 50-70 years old.
- I think I’m bunged up. The turd that’s been rolling around in my shorts since Friday hasn’t broke down at all.
- Sometimes I get bored. Now I have to try and figure out how to remove a sideways pencil eraser from my nostril.
- Sometimes, when I’m lonely, I like to draw a face on my goiter and pretend it’s my friend. Her name is Mary and she’s a prostitute.
#neveragain will I fall for the holy piccolo trick again. I hate you Father O’Leary #neveragain will I snort Borax and mouse shit
- When it comes to sexual intercourse, I’d like to think I’m a porn star. Unfortunately, I’m more like a grade 10 band nerd.
#neveragain will I put a forked metal rod in my urethra and attach a car battery to it. That smarts
- If I won the lottery, I’d travel the 3rd world countries reversing the work of missionaries. Stupid missionaries.
- I’m getting
@DavidHasselhoff drunk at some point this weekend.
- I’m bored, I think I need to bang a hippie or something.
- Well, I got my nuts and ass all washed up. Which lucky escort service will be the recipient of my phone call at midnight?
There’s another lazy post. I sure hope you all enjoy it over the weekend. You know, because you have nothing better to do.
Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your booty, shake your booty,