Okay, I’ll Bite. (Into A Juicy Chick-fil-A Sandwich)

There, I said it. I would eat a Chick-fil-A sandwich, just on principle.Wait, let me state my case before you get all crazy on me, you buncha homo lovers.

From the info I’ve pulled off of Wikipedia, Chick-fil-A started a charity in 1984 called the WinShape Foundation, which has a sister foundation called Lifeshape. Now the WinShape Foundation, from what I can tell, gives money to Eagle Forum, Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Marriage and Family Legacy Fund, Family Research Council, Exodus International, and Focus On The Family. They also have some sort of affiliation with the Pennsylvania Family Institute.

Now most of you know my feelings about religion and the folks who spout it, so you would think that I would be all over these people, but how is that any different than them trying to silence me? The thing is that my stance on freedom of speech overrules that. Just like I’m free to say what I want about religion, sex, and whatever other bullshit that I’m spewing, they are free to believe what they want and say it as loud as they want. Well, as long as there’s not a curfew where they are. No one is allowed to just be screaming their head off all night. Lights out at eleven, peeps.

Yes, even for them.

I’m not saying it’s right, but it is their right, as it is yours to not eat any of their delicious chicken sandwiches. I’m also not saying that these groups that are funded by Chick-fil-A’s charitable organization aren’t hate groups. I don’t know if they are. I don’t know anybody who is a member of them, knows a member of them, or wants to be a member of them. At least nobody has told me about their dreams of joining, or their secret gay-bashing meetings.

What I do know is that I can’t see any hateful message by any of these groups, and the worst thing I’ve seen by Chick-fil-A is this:

“We are very much supportive of the family – the biblical definition of the family unit. We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that. … We want to do anything we possibly can to strengthen families. We are very much committed to that,” Cathy emphasized. “We intend to stay the course,” he said. “We know that it might not be popular with everyone, but thank the Lord, we live in a country where we can share our values and operate on biblical principles.”

Closed minded? I think so. Bigoted? Maybe, but if you ask whether it’s hateful, I think you’ll find that the answer is “no”. I’m not saying the hateful statements don’t exist somewhere, and I’m also not saying that they don’t hate gays in the privacy of their own joyless homes. I’m sure that they probably do. I mean really, are you going to start, or support a group to save the biblical definition of marriage, if you aren’t worried about the world being overtaken by gays? Probably not.

I’ll bet that they all sit around the TV watching porn, and screaming things like “THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT, BOY! RIGHT INSIDE OF THAT WOMAN’S VAGINA! YEAH, NOW EJACULATE YOUR SEMEN INSIDE OF HER TO MAKE A LITTLE TINY BABY, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THE LORD WANTS. ARGHHHHH, DON’T PULL IT OUT, IT’S GOING ON THE GROUND. OH GREAT, NOW YOU’RE GOING TO HELL.”, or something like that. It is their right to feel how they want about what they want, just as much as it’s my right, or your right.

Now that I’ve explained my case, let’s look at some of the fucked up ways that these people waste their money.

First there’s Exodus International. These folks think that being gay is curable. Well they did, anyhow. They’re called something else now. Kind of odd that they would change their organization’s name after the founders of it fell in love with each other, left Exodus, and their wives, and then ran off together.

Next up is Focus On The Family. Here’s their headquarters.

That’s just the front part.
Focus on the Family headquarters in Colorado Springs, Colorado (David Shankbone – Colorado Independent)

They basically think that same-sex attraction is wrong, and against God’s design for us. Whatever. The very first thing you see is a pop-up wanting a donation, because there are so many families that need help, and people aren’t giving enough. There are other donation buttons littered throughout the site. Well, we all know that you can’t build a massive headquarters with buttons, or pennies from heaven. (My mother used to say that.)

Now for Eagle Forum. Wow. These motherfuckers are fucking insane. I don’t think I could use the word “fuck” enough to emphasize how utterly fucking fucked up they(she) are(is). Here’s their “Our Mission” page. This Phyllis Schlafly is a real piece of work. I’m fairly convinced that she has never had an orgasm, and the best thing she could do is to head down to the nearest dyke bar, and get some mind blowing oral. Seriously, Phyllis, I’ll hook you up with my friend Dustin, but you’ll want to bring something to bite down on. We wouldn’t want you biting your tongue off.

I totally agree with her…about the sex tapes.

I can’t seem to find anything about the Marriage and Family Legacy Fund, except that it’s part of Marriage CoMission. Their site is all wonky, but from what I could see, they just want people to get married and have babies, and then maybe give them the babies to use as workers in the mines when they are old enough. I am not totally clear on the last part.

The Family Research Council is next on my list, but they seem fairly mild in their beliefs. The regular shit about the bible defining marriage, and how God didn’t mean for homosexuality to happen. He/She must have had a bit of a hangover that day, or maybe it was Sunday, because we all know that the gays are heathens, and would totally sneak one by when God was napping.

I’m generalizing

Last but not least is the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. They are just a bunch of God-fearing, Jesus loving athletes. You can’t fault them for that. They don’t seem to have any agenda, but to spread the word to each and every athlete in the world. Have at it then. Make sure you’re wearing your cup though. Some people don’t like that word being spread.

So there you have it folks. Go get yourself a chicken burger, and a portion of the proceeds can go to slowing the speed of progress, or you could buy a burger at my new restaurant called “Athearchy Freedom Grill” and I will make sure none of the proceeds go to any religious group. Either way, you are going to get fat, and your arteries will start to clog.

I’m going to grab a salad.

And I’m sure I would have liked him more, if he were a little more like me,

Birdman

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18 thoughts on “Okay, I’ll Bite. (Into A Juicy Chick-fil-A Sandwich)

  1. My favorite post in a while! Thanks for doing all the research I was too lazy to do when “discussing” this with Seth.

    You are right – social freedoms are for everyone, even douchebags. Chick-Fil-A has every right to give vast sums of money to whomever they want, and the rest of us have every right to boycott Chick-Fil-A because of their policies. It’s not actually freedom if you only give it to some people, sometimes.

    • Thanks, Kari. I hate that it’s that way, because people should just do what I say, but you are so very right. (As you always are.) Did you hear what Whataburger said about crippled vets? Mo will never eat there again.

      • I’m pretty sure that not even death will stop Mo from eating at Whataburger. 50 years from now (after her cholesterol-related heart attack) zombie/ghost Mo will be haunting Whataburgers all over Texas.

          • I don’t want her to die either. I luff her. But she’s gonna someday (much like I am). I draw comfort from the fact that her spirit will live on eternally at Whataburger. 😉

          • Let’s fight to keep her alive then. First of all, she’ll be safer in the north, so let’s move her closer to you. Then we can worry about rehab for Whataburger.

  2. I really don’t get the big deal about the whole Chick-fil-A fiasco. What they said sounded innocent enough to me. What the governor of Boston did to block Chick-fil-A from establishing a restaurant in the city was a publicity stunt. The real reason he didn’t want the restaurant in Boston was due to zoning issues, but now this once hated governor is praised by every media recipient. Somehow all his other failures are swept under the rug due to a letter his secretary probably wrote.

    However, the media hounding this issue is the real problem. Now we have a fucking Chick-fil-A day? It’s a fast-food restaurant! Leave the issue alone. It’s a family owned business and if they want to believe in the old tradition of marriage then let them carry that delusion. There wasn’t this much coverage when the owner of Dominoes said he was pro-life.

    Anyway, enlightening post! Sorry I went on a bit of a rant there. And ohhh don’t get me started on Phyllis.

    • Please get started on Phyllis. Oh, and please don’t swear on my blog. Wait, Dominoes is pro-life? I’m going to smash those pricks.

  3. Free speech is not right when your speech is oppressive or hateful towards any particular group or individual.

    As far as I know (I’m not too familiar with it) the bible says your body is a temple and you have to take care of it because it’s not really owned by you but by God. Having said that, Chick-fil-A is going against the bible by serving food that is bad for your body. Their Spicy Chicken Sandwich Deluxe has almost 1800mg of sodium, which is 70% of your daily sodium intake.Their Milkshakes have over 700 calories! 700!! Chick-fil-A owners are poisoning their customers’ bodies and this makes them bad Christians. Shame on you Chick-fil-A! Shame on you! *maniacal laugh*

    • I just read this on twitter: “Before I eat ChickFilA I’d like to ensure staff doesn’t wear cotton-rayon blend, or get ingredients from farms that rotate crops (Lev 19:19)”

      LMAO!

    • Haha, fuck me you are one spicy tamale. Thanks for the diet tips, and for making me laugh. Now get back to making the anti-Westboro Church signs.

  4. FUCK YA!! I’ll do her! Make her scream my name like the little bitch she is! That’s right baby! SCREAM IT!!!

    Sorry. Got a little carried away. 🙂

    • I just googled what that Phyllis Schlafly looks like. No wonder she has never had an orgasm. I am not sure I could do her Birdman. I DO have some limits. Not many but the bitch maybe the it. I don’t think there is enough lube in the world to get past her dried up, well, you know. Sorry.

    • Thanks, Jaybers. Is it because you’re unsure of how you feel about Chick-fil-A, or because you saw me in my bikini?

  5. While I hate their stand against sex same marriage, I do love some Chick-fil-a food. The way I look at it is – it’s just a restaurant, a place to get food. I don’t give a shit if the founder/managers/janitors agree with my opinions on the world. Just give me my goddamn sandwich and fries.

    • Sure, you can give your money to hate groups if you like. It’s YOUR money. While you’re at it, you should find out what hamburger businesses are owned by the KKK, and grab some lunch from them too.

      I’m just fucking with you, KKK burgers are too greasy. 🙂

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