Koala Kid Review – It Ain’t Pretty

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Last week I did a giveaway for a couple of copies of this movie. I hadn’t received my review copy, so I was just giving them away blindly. I have since gotten a hold of a copy and watched it.

I’m sorry.

I really hope your kids are quite young. If they are, then you will probably be okay. Kids that are younger than around 5 or 6 might not understand second-rate animation, how badly the voice actors were cast, and they may just be able to enjoy it for the funny looking animals and the very basic plot.

As a somewhat intelligent person, I was embarrassed for Rob Schneider and Norm MacDonald. Those were some of the worst accents that I’ve ever heard, and I can’t believe that they not only accepted the job, but took money for it. The rest of the voices were pretty bad too, but those two seemed like the worst. I started to look it up, but couldn’t seem to find it on IMDB. It turns out that it was released last year under the title The Outback and for whatever reason it was changed and released exclusively to Wal-Mart, in Canada at least.

From IMDB I found out that it was written by Americans, animated and directed by Koreans, and features only one Australian actor. What the fuck? No wonder the movie isn’t quite up to snuff. It was like the writers just Wikipedia’d Australia and wrote a story for some rich Koreans and then got them to hire a bunch of their friends to do the voices. The estimated budget was 5.3 million dollars! Where the fuck did that money go? It sure wasn’t spent on flying everyone to Australia so they could see how people talk and pronounce things.

Here’s the trailer. Keep in mind that this is the trailer, so they have picked the best parts to show you.

I’m assuming that they paid the big bucks to the voice talent, but they would have been better off to hire a bunch of unknown Aussie voice people to do the film for less than a million. Seriously, at least it would have sounded like they were in Australia, and not some studio in Seattle, or wherever they did it.

Another viable option would be to change the characters to American, British, or Canadian animals and write about something you know. Then you could keep your highly paid actors and they wouldn’t have to try to be Australian. The Brits and Alan Cumming could be moles living out in the fens, and a bunch of introduced species from North America could start invading their wetlands. Norm MacDonald could be a beaver, and Rob Schneider could be something else with a not very recognisable voice.

Write about what you know, folks. The only thing that this movie did for me was to make me think I had better start pitching shit to the Koreans. Those fuckers will buy anything.

I should mention the actual story. It is a great moral sandwich, but lacks anything intelligent that could be construed as meat. Johnny is bullied, and poorly, in the opening sequence, and within three minutes has made two friends who want to exploit him in the carnival freakshow. He becomes a carnival sensation instantly and then goes through the motions of finding himself and realises that he’s not the useless piece of shit that he had originally thought.

Yes you are, Johnny. You are a fucking failure and you should quit trying. Miranda is never going to bang you, because you are always going to disappoint her immediately after impressing her. It’s the story of your poorly written life.

Anyhow, if you don’t believe me, or just like shitty movies, get to Wal-Mart and give them your $13.97. This also goes for if you have a kid under 5, that doesn’t need a lot of mental stimulation. Fourteen bucks is a pretty cheap babysitter, and you’ll get to see a crappy, condensed version of A Land Down Under.

Am I fired yet?

Traveling in a fried-out combie, on a hippie trail head full of zombie,

Birdman

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11 thoughts on “Koala Kid Review – It Ain’t Pretty

  1. I am laughing my ass off! I can’t believe I won this! Ah, well, I have no kids,
    and you’re right, judging from the trailer…. Um… It really looks bad. I can’t wait
    to get my copy and watch it!! That way, I can bitch about it non-stop!

    Thank you Birdman! :o)

  2. Is it your professional recommendation that I smoke a huge spliff before watching this. Cause I remember watching some pretty shitty movies when I used to indulge and thought they were the best, funniest movie EVAH.

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