Kirk Fucking Cameron

It’s true, I’m a bit of an asshole

Jesus H Christ, where the hell did he come from all of a sudden. My friend Emmy posted a video on Facebook that I just couldn’t watch all at once. I made it to the part where he said that marriage was defined by God as “One man, one woman for life till death do you part.” He went on to finish with “So do I support the idea of gay marriage? No, I don’t.”

Holy fuck. Where do I even begin with that?

I’m not even talking about what he does or doesn’t support. I don’t give two shits what Kirk Cameron supports. I didn’t even know he was “a thing” anymore. What pissed me off the most was when he said that marriage was defined by God as one man and one woman.

So what’s the deal then, God gets to just change the rules, but no one else can? All of the chosen people had several wives, and they were fully endorsed by God. So what is it Kirk? Are we going to literally translate the bible now? If we are, then you need to explain a few things to everyone. First of all, how did we all get here from one man(Adam) and his wife(Eve)? We know that they had a couple of kids, and one killed the other, so that leaves two dudes and a chick. Hey, that’s a good way to start out a porno, but that’s her son. Gross. So where did all of the people come from? It says that Cain all of a sudden acquired himself a wife, but from where? I have read the old testament, but don’t remember that being explained to me.

Fucking hillbillies. This isn’t Kentucky you know?

There are a few other things that I’m wondering about, that I hope you can help me with.

19: And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even.
20: And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean.
21: And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.
22: And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.
23: And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even.
24: And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean.

I want to make sure you haven’t came in contact with your wife while she was menstruating, because if you have, you had better get to repenting, you unclean prick.

27:Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

I noticed that you are clean shaven. I’m going to overlook it this time, but if I find out you’ve shaved again, I will smite you down with my rod.

The list goes on and on, and while I want to go toe to toe with you on this bullshit, I am afraid it will turn me more like you. You know, closed minded, obtuse, assholish. I have been trying for years to improve myself, and when people like you speak, it sets me back months. All I feel is rage and anger towards people who feel so self righteous that they will tell others that they aren’t living their lives properly or justly.

So fuck you, you judgy cunt. Go back under your rock, and see if you can pick up some more prehistoric views on the world. You should also try to diminish some more people for their views and actions, especially seeing as they aren’t hurting anyone with all of their love and peace.

Where’s all of your love? In your big church? I prefer for real people to see mine, not some fictitious character from a fable written before Christ was a cowboy. I want to know why you would have a problem with two people who love each other getting married, and who gave you an opinion on who is right and who is wrong anyhow? I thought that was for your God to decide. If he does exist, and he has a problem with it, then he and his cronies can dole out the punishment on their own time. You can use your time on earth to relax and enjoy some of the money that your ministry is making. With all of the different cash generators that you have under your umbrella, you and Ray must have it made in the shade.

Oh right, I forgot that you spent a shitload of money republishing The Origin Of Species in an abridged format, and distributed them to schools. Real classy. Go after the children and mouldable teenagers. Nice that you left out four chapters and added an introduction slamming Darwin’s life and work as well. Hey, why argue with fact, when you can just erase it and not have to deal with all of those “questions” that keep coming up.

To my Christian friends, this is not a slight towards you, because you have never gotten publicly cunty about how awesome Jesus and the bible are. Not in front of me anyhow. I just get angry sometimes, and then I rant. I’m sorry if I offended you by mocking your beliefs openly, and not showing you the respect you deserve.

Who am I kidding? Why would any of my Christian friends be reading this?

Michael row the boat ashore, Hallelujah,

Birdman

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30 thoughts on “Kirk Fucking Cameron

  1. If I had any intent on living my life according to the direction of an 80’s sitcom star I would look to Alf before wasting a minute of time looking to Kirk Cameron!

    • I’ve been trying to find the guy who played ALF. He is a hero of mine, but has kind of disappeared since the show finished. Remember Willie? He’s got some pics of him and his buddy with a homeless dude smoking crack and getting jiggy with it.

  2. How do we like this blog more than once?

    Loved it Bird. Can’t wait to get to work to read what you have to say each day. Thanks for the morning smiles.

    • Aw, that’s very sweet Kim. Thank you. Must be nice to have a job that allows you to browse filth on the internet all day. Who am I kidding, it would just be nice to have a job.

  3. I love you so much, Birdie!
    Will you marry me?
    Shit, that ship has sailed, hasn’t it?
    (No offense, Mrs. Birdman!)
    How about being my brother from another mother then?

  4. I never reply to these amazingly entertaining blogs but in this case how can I not?

    Birdo, your passion drips from the electronic page and your honesty is poetry … Way to put yourself out there, keep them coming!

    BTW, we should invite Mr. Cameron up to the Dyno Road area and send him into the hinterland with a moose antler ball cap during the rut. Perhaps mother nature would teach him a lesson in biology.

    • I’m glad that you did reply old friend. I was reminiscing about the time that we were on the top bunk of the hunt camp, and got front row seats to an unnamed friend with a dozen empty beer cans in bed with him. That was one of the funniest things that I remember about that camp, and every time I tell it, it gets better and better. I think that’s how stories about the camp are supposed to go, aren’t they? As for the antler cap, I think wiping his ass with some doe scent, might be the better way to go. Gives a whole new meaning to getting your deer meat. Miss you buddy

  5. Awesome and I think the apology is very sweet I also have christian friends that I am very fond of and I hate to be nasty. I got in a little trouble recently ranting about how people can be in awe of a man (Abraham) for blinding obeying and being about to kill his own son. How is that awesome it is fucking wrong.

    • Thank you Vivian. I can’t even begin to discuss how wrong most of the bible is. I think it’s fine to believe something is true, as long as you realize it’s a belief. It’s not called a truth for a reason. I’ve just started checking out your blog, and it seems very good. I’ve read three posts so far, and will check out more when I get a chance. Thanks for reading, and even more, thanks for commenting.

  6. Go and tell a Christian that more people have been killed in the name of God than anything else in the history of the world and they’ll lose their mind.
    I know, I’ve done it.

    Kirk Cameron is the new Hitler. This time it’s the gays as the Jews have gone through enough.
    Unless you are a gay Jew…

    Keep keeping it real Birdman.

    I think I hear your train coming in…..

    • God loves war. It’s proven because it’s in the bible. Kirk is a tool for sure, but he’s got a ways to go for Hitler status. He’s maybe more like Himmler. I love George Carlin, so insightful. When my train gets here, am I allowed to ride it for free? Thanks Brad

  7. George Carlin: The longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear the phrase “sanctity of life,” “sanctity of life.” You believe in it? Personally, I think it’s a bunch of shit. I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.

    George Carlin: [about Catholics] They’re against abortion and they’re against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these fuckin’ people alone for christ sakes. Here is a entire group of people gaurenteed never to have an abortion.

  8. Your train ride will be free if you continue to follow your heart.

    Stray away from that, start doing what you think others want from you, then you start to pay for the ride….

  9. Hello..It’s me.one of those Christians…I read your rant, and..believe it or not, I am right beside you most of the way.I was raised the condensed Christian way. Basic 10 commandments, and that pretty much covers everything. I have spent some time reading the bible..but…I also understand, that book was written by men, and it has human spins all about.
    I tend to sift through..and again..follow the basics. Love one another appears quite often, heal the sick, feed the hungry..I don’t think any Christian who truly believes gives a fart about who others love..just as long as they are capable of love and compassion for fellow men..and, again..I believe God wants people to love women too. Like anything written over 2000 years ago, common sense tells us, things have changed. Pork doesn’t rot and kill people if they eat it..(believe a ton of Jewish folks are missing out on bacon because, we now have fridges, and food management has come a long way). Personal hygiene has certainly improved for most, also. Kurt Cameron appears to think he has all the answers and knows all the rules..People like him claim Jesus doesn’t love some because they love.others…just doesn’t make Christian sense to me!

    • Well, because I know you personally, I believe that you are coming from a good place, but the “truly believes” part is where I don’t get your drift. You mean truly believes in your interpretation of the Bible, right? There are a lot of people, like yourself, that cherry pick what they want from it and then that is the true meaning of Christianity.

      To that person.

      To a great many Christians, you are not a true believer, and would be stoned in the old country. We all would be. Not the good kind of stoned, either.

      I have no doubt that you have a good heart, and you are definitely not someone that this post was aimed at, as you probably know, but we really would have been put to death.

      Oh, and thanks for commenting. 🙂

      • I have always, and will probably always, admit, I am not a poster child. I was raised in a home that required me to go to church..Over time, I have come to the point that, yes, I believe in life after death,(and this is not through stories this is through life experience) I believe there is a greater being than myself. Would I have survived the Lion’s Den, extremely doubtful. I believe the bible, the Koran, etc were written by man, so therefore open to interpretation, and therein, lies the whole problem with religion.. So, I am Not a Kurt Cameron, or Billy Graham, holier than thou.
        I am simply a person who has found a place that offers me comfort, and, although I am sharing this with you, spiritual belief is something that is extremely personal, and does not require explanation to anyone else, because this is the place I arrived at. There is nothing you, or heaven forbid, Kurt Cameron, could say, that would change my belief, because..this belongs to me. I have spent almost 60 years finding my way here, and because I feel pretty darn good in this place, that is where I am staying.
        I truly believe…what I feel in my heart, and that is all that matters.
        BTW..I just might hide around the corner an throw a few stones at Kurt, don’t think he would have survived in the old country, either.

        • Haha, no he wouldn’t. That was the point of the whole post. I’m glad you have found comfort and solace in it, and if all Christians were like you, there would be a lot less grief in the world. Muslims too. A lot of them could use a chill pill.

  10. I believe in Mother Earth. Unlike other religions, everything I worship is visible-right in front of our faces. Kirk Cameron (and people like him) are idiots.

    • I believe in her too. Not only is she real, she’s beautiful as well.

      Oh, and she doesn’t care who I sleep with. She would probably wish for more gay people, to slow down all of these fucking people that are poisoning her.

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