I’ve Made The Switch

birdmandesk

I just watched the movie God’s Not Dead. It’s a Christian drama that has made me rethink my agnostic views. I know, I didn’t think it was possible for me to change my mind either, especially seeing how stubborn and strong minded I am, but it happened.

The performances of Dean Cain, Kevin Sorbo, and whoever that little puke is that portrayed Josh, along with the writing have completely swung my vote. Congratulations to all of you.

I am now a full blown, born again atheist.

That’s right, this movie was so bad that it made me sure that not only is there no God, but no omnipotent entity that is watching over us at all.

If there was, everyone involved in the making and distribution of this film would be dead1)At least maimed. right now. I question whether the Nazi propaganda was this poorly written and unbelievable during the war. I don’t think that it could be.

But Birdman, you didn’t believe in God before, why do you say “born again”?

Well, I was an atheist for probably twenty years, and then when I was about 29 I was having a discussion about religion with a very well read and well spoken fellow that posed the question, “Are you that arrogant that you can say with certainty that God doesn’t exist?”

I thought about it for a bit and decided that it was pretty shitty for me to shoot down their beliefs due to lack of proof, when I really had no proof that their god didn’t exist. I thought that being agnostic made me more tolerant to other people’s insane religions, and therefore making me a better person than the religious zealots.

Well, I am that shitty and arrogant now. Thanks, Kevin Sorbo. You fucking hack.

After watching his over the top performance as the atheist professor with the monumental slip-up, I went to the local pawn shop and bought a $4 DVD set of those low budget Hercules shows that he was in and burnt them on the front steps of the church.

Herc_Title_card

The aroma was pleasing to the lord.

The Dean Cain atheist character was probably worse, but didn’t get as much air time as fucking Herc, so I hated him a little bit less. I think that when his atheist girlfriend got cancer and he scolded, belittled, and then dumped her, that we were supposed to seethe and spit fire at how callous those atheists are.

I was too busy laughing at how preposterous the whole scene was. Luckily there was a Christian pop band there to pray for her cancer to go away, so I’m sure she’s fine now.

I guess my favourite part of the movie is at 1:392)Yes, it is that long, and yes, it feels more like seven hours. when Hercules got hit by a car in front of a couple of pastors at the end. The driver sped off and the African holy man immediately touches Herc on the stomach with four fingertips and proclaimed that his ribs were crushed and his lungs were filling with blood.

Wow. This dude is wasting his talents as a triage medic. You couldn’t even hear a gurgle when he spoke to the minister guy about not knowing Jesus, but sure enough, he died right after that guy said he didn’t have long.

Thankfully he accepted Jesus as his saviour in his final throes. Vaya con dios, young Sorbo. You died blood free and with a heart full of light. Not that it is going to help you.

You know, because he is dead. Drowned on his own blood. It silently filled his lungs, but due to Jesus or something, none of it came out his windpipe as he gasped and talked while lying on his back.  I think what made it funnier for me was when I read this on IMDB:

When commenting on the final scene with Kevin Sorbo’s character, producers of the film stated “we felt like we did a good thing. There was a sense of completion and warmth as the principle actors and extras looked over his dead, atheist body. In full Christian spirit, He did away with evil. Really a very beautiful thing. He’s not dead.”

Wow. That’s fucked up. What’s more fucked up is that the movie has a critic approval rating of about 16 at Metacritic and 17% at Rotten Tomatoes, and it still managed to gross more than 67 million. I think I’m going to write a movie about how awesome atheism is, and we’ll see what actors I can get. They will have to be better than the tripe I saw in this movie.

Now, can anyone front us a couple mill to get this show on the road?

Birdman

P.S. That douchebag from Duck Dynasty has some cameos in this too. That should keep you guessing.

Google+ Comments

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. At least maimed.
2. Yes, it is that long, and yes, it feels more like seven hours.

5 thoughts on “I’ve Made The Switch

  1. I just snickered my way through my coffee. Thanks a lot Birdman.

    PS I can give you ten bucks toward your movie. I’d give more, but God says I’m broke.

    • You’re very welcome. I hope a little came out your nose. I will accept your ten bucks as long as you can get 200000 of your friends to give ten as well. Thanks, I knew I could count on you. 😉

  2. What on earth possessed you to watch that piece of shit? TWO HOURS that you cannot get back?!? Two hours that you could have spent cocooning? Or, if Geri was unavailable, two hours that you could have spent doing, say, macrame… I weep for the possibilities.. 😉

    And, on the topic of whether atheism and agnosticism are mutually exclusive – by definition, they ARE.
    I am an atheist = I believe, unequivocally, that there IS NO GOD. I am an agnostic = I don’t believe that there is a god, nor do I believe that there isn’t one. I accept that both options are possible.
    I am a monotheist = I believe, unequivocally, that there is ONE (and only one) god.
    I am Kari = I believe that there is a supreme power. I don’t pretend to have the ability to know what form he/she/it takes. I don’t believe that he/she/it cares what we believe, so long as we live our lives to be good people, and do what we can (within the limits of our natural human failings), to be kind, be helpful, be loving, and hurt no one. I believe that the consciousness that created this world, with its abundant and beautiful variety, would not constrain its inhabitants to one system of belief. I believe that there are as many ways toward spirituality as there are people on this earth, and that no way is better than any other, so long as you do no harm.

    • I have a problem. It’s the same problem that has me looking up illegal cam versions of Do You Believe, because when I was looking up movies for Family Date Night, that showed up at our local theatre, it was playing. The same theatre that we love to go to for a good night out with the kids. ($6 for 18 and under, $8 for adults and the snacks and drinks are a lot less, too.) As soon as I saw that it was made by the same pro-Christian anti-everyone else, douchebags that made God’s Not Dead, I had to see how bad it was.

      As for any views, I am an atheist. I firmly do not believe in any higher force/power/entity. If I see some sort of credible evidence to the contrary, I will regroup and rethink my stance.

      P.S. I watched it when I was alone and bored. Right now, I’m getting sidetracked by the other piece of shit, so I will get back on track and into the cocoon. Thanks for the kick in the pants.

      P.S.S. I like your view a lot more than all others. Except for mine. If there is something more, I hope it’s your “it” and not Stephen King’s It. Fucking Pennywise. “and when you’re down here with me… you’ll float too.”

      • I hope it’s my “it,” too. If not, I’ll happily go to hell, because I don’t want to hang around with a god that’s an asshole, anyway. And I read that book when I was 12. “IT” gave me nightmares for YEARS until I watched the mini-series, which was much less scary than what was in my head… *shudder*

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *